NEWSLETTER: "NO LONGER AVAILABLE ON CEEFAX"
This Week:
* RAP - Hip-hop BBC News
* ROMNOBAMA - Cassetteboy + presidential candidates
* MARIO LOW SCORE - a new way to play
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Happy 53rd Birthday
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to the M1 Motorway!"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 553 - 2nd Nov 2012
Read this issue with Superior Software's "Speech!"
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue553
Superglue : [email protected]
Acetone : [email protected]
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: THE PERFECT XMAS PRESENT IDEA
Loose tea subscription (Sponsored link)
Imaginative gifts are tricky, but we have the
solution: Rare Tea Company will send your loved
one beautiful, tasty loose leaf teas three times
over six months. This means, in the words of Roy
Wood, Christmas every day for half a year. 10%
off to B3tans if you quote the code
"ILOVECRUDELYDRAWCOCKS".
http://bit.ly/SAFDXM
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Making waves that's what. In culture.
>> Rap the BBC News <<
"I built a thing to rap the BBC News,
automatically," writes Shardcore. Blimey, this
is extremely funny, but also the future of
all news, as it simultaneously delivers the
information and yet makes it utterly
incomprehensible. A massive win for news as
disorientating wallpaper - we think Shardcore
should be the next director-general of the BBC.
http://bit.ly/RrLlZx
>> NSFW Imgur fun <<
Davidbrophy writes, "Ever wondered what filth
people have uploaded to imgur? I know you can
click the 'random' button, but that's SLOW. I
made this to speed up my gutter-mining."
Blimey. We've spent a good 10 mins watching
this and it's mostly jokes, porn, cars,
technology, sport, nerdy fiction and computer
games. Basically, the whole world is like Zoo
or Nuts magazine - bit depressing, really.
http://3z.bz/
>> Cassetteboy vs Obama vs Romney <<
"Here's a new video what we done for a new
YouTube comedy channel," writes cassetteboy.
"Watch it now while it's still topical."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_Obama_vs_...
>> Turkish Downton Abbey <<
Few among you probably know that ITV's popular
period drama is simply a shoddy remake of 1970s
Middle-Eastern soap favourite 'Donton Abbey'.
"Another year, another Turkish TV knockoff,"
laments Christopher Poole.
http://youtu.be/_iOzM3PTszg
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: PLAY THE FULL ENGLISH GAME
(Sponsored link)
Oldskool adventure web game, brought bang up to
date by Channel 4 Comedy, featuring the voices
of Richard Ayoade and Kayvan Novak. Play it now
before it's removed and we all go to jail for
making obscene jokes. It's for a new animated
sitcom, you know. You can also win artwork
signed by the cast. Get playing, you sods.
http://www.channel4.com/fullenglish
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Dressing Up
We asked you for your dressing up stories,
secretly hoping for pictures. We got pictures:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dressingup/
* TOO FAR? - "Bored in telesales office on a
Friday afternoon, I challenged my colleagues to
think of a really good, really scary costume
idea for the Halloween party that night. Jill
from Accounts suggested I dress as a
frightening clown, maybe with specks of blood
on my face. "Oooh, scary,"said Diane in Sales,
"I hate clowns." Pete from Marketing suggested
I dress entirely in black and attach flat panel
speakers to my front and a head-mounted
microphone, meaning my every word would be
disconcertingly amplified. Interesting, freaky,
everyone liked the idea. Then Chris from
Purchasing, a quiet lad, loudly filled with
middle-aged women, quiet accountants and
unassuming receptionists: "A baby. A baby
covered in spunk." The room went quiet.
Everyone pretended to be busy. A sob escaped
from Janine in HR. So that was my costume."
(burningdog)
* WERTHERS - "A couple of years back, our RAF
base bar, Castaways, had a "School Disco"
night. Cue lots of burly RAF types and one or
two actual females squeezed into schoolgirl
uniforms. I'd had to go straight from my day
shift in my normal clothes. So I got our admin
bloke to nip across to the NAAFI for some
Werthers whilst I made a quick trip to our tech
workshop and got me a brown, dirty-mac,
storesman coat. I then got a beer and stood
outside the doorway. Yup, I went to the school
disco as a nonce." (stuj)
* MONOLITH - "At an End of the World-themed
Hogmanay party, here's me dressed as the
monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey"
(sarahahaha)
http://i.imgur.com/pSl4P.jpg
>> This Week - WATER AND BOATS <<
Are you a wizened, old sea-crone who hates land
lubbers? A sexually ambiguous pirate who gets
all the ladies? Or just been on a pedalo once?
Tell us all your sea-faring boat stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/waterboatsfloats/
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: AMAZON TAT
Get your Savile outfit here
Although only an utter cunt would think it's
funny to pretend to be the most prolific child
molester of all time, it's worth having a quick
look for the reviews. As per usual.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0096PVYO...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Child abuse and light entertainment <<
Got 30 mins? Some wonderful background on a
paedophile-friendly Establishment. If the
government falls over this stuff, let's hope the
entire state isn't replaced with a few vouchers
run by corporations eh?
http://bit.ly/VQkBr8
>> Halloween or Williamsburg? <<
For the uninitiated, Williamsburg is the US
version of London's vibrant Shoreditch scene.
That is to say, it's over-full of vile,
cavorting hipsters. This tumblr points out it's
difficult to tell the difference between that
any Halloween.
http://halloweenorwilliamsburg.com
>> Apple products poster <<
Seeing them all together it reminds us of kids
going through football cards, "got, got, got,
got, want." Remember: Every time you have the
urge to buy Apple products, buy shares in them
instead. Well, that used to be true, until the
iPhone 5 made the stock market do a big
collective meh. Personally we think you're
better off investing in Foxxconn, then you win
no matter if Android of Apple win the phone
race. And the thought of all those tiny,
Chinese hands working for pennies is
stimulating wank bank material.
http://bit.ly/ts59tH
>> Latest game ever? <<
The Fool's Errand was an 80s era Mac puzzle
game by Cliff Johnson, once rated as "Best
Retro Game Ever" by GamesTM magazine. The
follow-up has been over 10 years coming - and
why are we telling you? Well, the list of
excuses on the Wikipedia page is both tragic
and hilarious.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fool_and_His_Mone...
>> Radio fail <<
BBC Radio Uslter reads out Jimmy Savile joke
live on air by mistake. Joyous. Please, b3tans,
dedicate you lives to getting radio DJs to read
out rude things unawares.
http://bit.ly/THOngp
>> David Icke review <<
James Ward (best known for running the 'Boring'
event) attended the recent, horrendously long
David Icke rally at Wembley and has written up
his mildly pisstakey, but ultimately fair,
experiences here. BTW: We once attempted to
interview Icke for B3ta. He initially agreed
but, after we sent him about 50 crowd-sourced
questions about lizards, he went strangely
silent. Oh well.
http://bit.ly/Sd4sFY
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: HELP ORG (OPEN RIGHTS GROUP) FUND LEGAL OFFICER
Join now
We're members of ORG - but who they? They
campaigned for change to copyright that would
create a new right to parody, built the
coalition against the Snoopers' Charter, broke
the story of Mobile Internet censorship, and
their hard work against ACTA came into fruition
as we watched MEPs shoot down a law that would
have led to damaging copyright policy.
ORG wish to finance a new member of staff to
fight for your digital rights online. If they
can get 300 new members this will cover enough
wages to get a legal officer to "co-ordinate our
crack-team of volunteer lawyers, perform
thorough legal research, and create new case law
to actively prevent potential threats to civil
liberties."
Please join now.
http://bit.ly/Uo5nmy
Or read about ORG before you join here:
http://www.openrightsgroup.org/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Net version of the Harry Hill clip show could be
called 'You've Been Flamed'
>> Lowest score to complete Mario? <<
This chap does an astounding 600 points. Love
the idea of competing to score badly - an
entirely new way of getting enjoyment from
games you've already played to death.
http://bit.ly/TJ0Dxk
>> Worst ad ever? <<
Low production values bring us joy - it shows
the (inept) human in the machine - and sets up
narratives in our head: was this produced by
the boss's friend's mate for $150?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Joss Whedon endorses Mitt Romney <<
And has Joss lost weight? Less hoarding cans
Joss - more eating them. Nah. Joss, your new
look suits you, you should do more front of
camera stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The Specials vs. The Wu-Tang Clan <<
Always had a soft spot for The Specials' A
Message To You Rudy; the great brass and the
wonderful lyric - Rudy being short for "rude
boy" - basically saying "young men, sort
yourself out, acting all gangster and shit will
lead you only to a life of hell." To cut that
with a similar rap from the Wu-Tang? Wonderful.
http://bit.ly/U3em2a
>> Helicopter helps remote-controlled plane <<
Helping some folks get their little plane back.
What lovely chap.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wot_nice_guys
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still not funny, you punishing shits
* BMW DEALER - if this guy gets any business off
this link we demand our 10%. Oh, it doesn't work
like that? Piss.
http://bit.ly/PqRp6m
* COME TOGETHER FOR JESUS - we always thought
that 13 blokes, no women disciple thing was a
bit suspicious.
http://www.cum.co.za
* SAVILE'S FAVORITE SCHOOL?
http://www.sexeys.somerset.sch.uk/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Typing Karaoke
Love web projects that manage to pitch the
entire concept in the title - where you can
guess how the whole thing will play out in the
time it takes to load.
http://www.typingkaraoke.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Challenge results: Unlikely Brand Crossovers
Last week we wanted stuff like Wilkinson Sword
Crisps, Harpic Liqueur & Persil Flat Screen TVs.
Your favourites included:
* WKD TOILET DUCK - we have a personal product
idea of making 'Toilet Swan' for people with
posh bogs. (Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/10871056
* INSTAGRAM WATER FILTER - did you see the
Instagram US hurricane pics on Twitter? Most odd
- death and destruction made slightly twee.
Oddly distancing. (Monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10873606
* OXO RUBIK'S CUBE - this would sell, a nice
little bit of design to have lurking in your
man pit. (chumpers's cat)
http://b3ta.com/board/10871534
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/brands/
>> New challenge: spiders <<
Spiders. Whenever someone on the news says of
a policy that "the markets won't like it",
replace the word "market" with "spiders".
Alternatively, photoshop some spiders here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/spiders/popular/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* 'FOR THE WIN' SKETCH SHOW PILOT - Big Face
writes, "It may not show much luck in this game,
but here's another whole ill-fated sketch show
pilot I wroted and directed and do a bit in. It
got repeated on BBC Three, so it's online for a
while. I'm really proud of it and hate the fact
they rejected it." Boo BBC, you really should
give Big Face a show - we've met him and he'd be
very good on chat shows. You are missing a star.
http://bbc.in/LURU7W
* B3TA ANCIENT HISTORY FROM 2002/3 - Mike
Trinder writes, "Digging around my desk I found
a CD titled 'B3ta Slideshow 5' - this is the
slideshow that accompanied the B3ta party in a
tiny upstairs bar in central London in 2003.
Much nostalgia and shoddy Photoshop work within."
http://www.chthonicionic.net/b3ta/2003/index.htm
* KICKSTARTER IAIN BANKS MOVIE - B3tan Rob Lees
Jones last week asked you to help fund his film
- you've donated nearly $5k which means we're
about a quarter of the way there. You can do it!
Give Jones a hand and he promises to give a
cameo to your Ginger Fuhrer, so at least you'll
be financing an opportunity for him to make an
utter fool of himself.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/119205258/piec...
* HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - lumpytuna writes, "My
lovely lecturer, Beagles, from back when I was a
grubby art student, used to make blood puddings
with his platonic art-partner Ramsay's and his
blood. He told me that a number of audience
members would hang back at the end of the
performances and ask to try a bite of their body
sausages and it left him feeling ever so
slightly violated that they'd want to. Blarg."
http://bit.ly/SgBNiX
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MANAGING YOUR AGEING WITHOUT ANXIETY -
Photo-management software that automatically
makes old pictures fatter and greyer - so we
don't feel sad looking through old photos.
* SPECIAL ROBOTS THAT DEAL WITH SHIT - the
shitbot will change nappies, clean the bog and
also remove dog muck from the streets.
* DISCUSSIONS - "Despite the fact that the
internet keeps getting faster, we don't seem to
be using it less," writes B3tan williamgoddard.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Marriage : [email protected]
Divorce : [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by *redacted* with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by JamTallons, fyafly,
Mike Trinder, robneymcplum, Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!
Eukanuba & m477hew.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tips via cumquat may.
Subjlols via prince-igor.
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TOP TIP:
Become a millionaire by thinking of a great,
practical idea for a new product that no-one
else has thought of yet, then organising the
financing, manufacturing, distribution and
marketing while successfully defending your
patent.
