NEWSLETTER: "HANDED TO DAVID CAMERON ON A PIECE OF CARD"
This Week:
* OBAMA - cellphone footage leaked
* HORDAK - what's he up to?
* FUCK YOU - Daily Mail, says podcaster
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're recording MP3s
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on C90s and sending
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| them via pigeon..."
B3ta email 554 - 9 Nov 2012
Read this issue out to Siri to confuse it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue554
Wanks : [email protected]
No wanks : [email protected]
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: PLAY THE FULL ENGLISH GAME
(Sponsored link)
Oldskool adventure web game, brought bang up to
date by Channel 4 Comedy, featuring the voices
of Richard Ayoade and Kayvan Novak. Play it now
before it's removed and we all go to jail for
making obscene jokes. It's for a new animated
sitcom, you know. You can also win artwork
signed by the cast. Get playing, you sods.
http://www.channel4.com/fullenglish
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Where are my fucking keys?? <<
"Can't find your fucking keys?" chirps Golden
Age b3tan reverend_dan. "Well, I made this with
a co-worker, after a distressing key-related
incident that could have been prevented. It's a
public fucking service."
http://wherethefuckdidileavemykeys.com/
>> Surprising retro toy review <<
"This might be for a bit of a niche audience,"
worries shoepie. "But I hope you enjoy it." For
anybody who's missing Hordak...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Surprising_Retro_Toy_Rev...
>> Light-plotter = 4D printer <<
Such is the outlandish claim of Ben RethinkFX.
"This animation is shot entirely in-camera, the
figure having been animated in 3DS Max and then
plotted by my custom-built 3D light painting
system." Clever stuff.
http://www.rethinkfx.com/projects/lightplot
>> Old-school phone-porn <<
"For no reason whatsoever," begins Mr
Eraserhead, "I started collecting vintage smut
featuring telephones with curly wires and now I
can't stop." Curly, curly 70s smut, about as NSFW
as you like. Those phones *are* weirdly sexual
- wonder what the fetish will be in
contemporary stuff.
http://telefonosexy.tumblr.com/
>> Leaked White House tape <<
Obama's cameraphone footage leaked - sadly just
too late to save America from four more years.
Ah well. "We made this the other weekend to be
all hard-hitting and political and that,"
explain a sheepish Cope&Dalton.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Leaked_White_House_Tape
>> The Human Condition <<
"Been away for a while being a responsible dad
and stuff," writes swedemason. "Back on it
now." If you ever wondered why people with no
jobs feel like crap, look no further than this
hypochondriac mashup. Jesus Christ, our bodies
are crumbling to dust and Jeremy Kyle still
exists.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Human_Condition
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: SMALL SYNTH, BIG SOUNDS
Novation MiniNova synthesizer (sponsored link)
MiniNova is a mini-synth with a monster of a
sound-engine. It also has a super-powerful
Vocoder and VocalTune effect. You can plug other
instruments into MiniNova and run them through
the effects and Vocoder (and Rob Manuel wants
one ;-) WATCH VIDEO
http://bit.ly/TyNkeF
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Water, Boats and all that Floats
Last week we asked for your maritime stories.
Worth it for the photo of Branson:
http://b3ta.com/questions/waterboatsfloats
* SHARK - "My first-ever night dive, already
apprehensive. After an ill-advised beer, me and
my two friends jump off the back of the boat,
grab the anchor rope, and begin a slow 30m
decent. If you've ever been off-shore at night,
you'll know it's completely black. Turn your
torch off and you're not even sure if your eyes
are open. Eerie as fuck. I reached the anchor
first, and glanced over my shoulder to check on
the two spots of light approaching, when the
rear light shot up rapidly. The front light
spun round. Both shot forwards, backwards, up,
down, round and fucking round; weird jerky
movements like they were being attacked. With
no frame of reference, my head shut down.
Everything spatial disintegrated. I panicked,
squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think about
anything else other than where the fuck I was.
The nausea passed, but after spinning around
and screaming bubbles, I was just suspended in
blackness. I very slowly began sweeping my
outstretched torch hand in a circle. About
halfway through I spotted some rocks – thank
fuck, the sea bed. I managed to find the anchor
and surfaced, "I lost me mates! I think a
fucking shark got them! A FUCKING SHARK!"
"Alright, calm down," said... my mates. Behind
them a Japanese woman, an instructor with a
group of novices, explained she'd thought us
part of her group who'd gone in unprepared.
She'd wrestled them back to the surface. Now,
if someone's late, these same friends always
ask, "You don't think a FUCKING SHARK'S got
them?" Twats.
(Wet-chinned bag shanker)
* ROPE - "So there I am, on a nice, little run
down to the final marker at the end of a race
when I capsized. Bugger, arse, shit. So have a
quick glance at the ropes before righting, just
to make sure nothing is tangled. "Red and
white, main; fine. Yellow, vang; fine. Black
and yellow... black and yellow? Which one is
black and... Holy bejeebus-sweet-mother
-of-fuck" I do a rather good impression of a
submarine-launched ballistic missile as I exit
the water vertically and cling for dear life to
the top of the boat, as far aware from that
bastard as possible. Outside of breeding season
they're fairly docile; but finding a sea snake
next to you is never much fun."
(SpangleDangle)
* ANCHOR - "I used to work as a flotilla
skipper in the Greek Islands. You get to guide
a bunch of novices around the islands, briefing
them in the morning and dealing with the chaos
in the evening mooring of 12 yachts in a small
harbour. In the last yacht: drop anchor,
reverse in, tie up, cold G&T. Well, in this
case not quite. It was a tricky mooring and I
had to lay out a 2nd anchor using the
inflatable tender. I've done this so many
times: you sit the anchor on top of the tender
and give it large in reverse, to pull the
anchor and chain away from the yacht and drop
it in the deeper water. Except when the chain
ran out, the sharp part of the anchor punctured
the tender, causing one side to deflate rapidly
with a large bang. Now I had the attention of
everybody in the harbour. The anchor stayed
stuck the RIB, slowly pulling it and the still
running engine under water. I jumped in to free
it, only to get it caught in my shorts - the
only way to avoid being dragged down to the
seabed was to release the belt on my shorts and
say goodbye to my radio and wallet. Climbing
into my friend's wee boat, she and the harbour
got to see I'd also said goodbye to my
underpants."
(Muntered Tinny)
>> This Week - DESTRUCTION & DEMOLITION <<
What's the biggest thing you've taken down?
Please don't say you did it carefully.
http://b3ta.com/questions/deconstruction/
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: CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR UNDER A TENNER
via Brainbox Candy (sponsored link)
Secret Santa has the ability to turn people into
dribbling wrecks. Make it easy this year and
head over to Brainbox Candy, where the choice of
hilarious gifts for under a tenner, plus next
day delivery, means you'll actually get
something decent for a change. Also check out
their outrageous Xmas cards.
http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com/page28.htm
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Saccharine facebook sentiment <<
If your social media feed isn't overflowing
with revolting, syrupy bullshit, here's a
gallery of inspiration to snark at.
http://vomitinducing.tumblr.com/
>> 27b/6 hostile work environment <<
Curmudgeonly graphic designer David Thorne
scans in the many complaints made against him
by hapless workmate Simon.
http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html
>> Creepy surveillance cameraman <<
Bloke wanders round Seattle, filming people
without their permission. His point being to
contrast how how angry we get when a person
sticks a camera in our face, with how passive
we are about surveillance recordings.
http://bit.ly/RvPsln
>> A slower speed of light <<
Clever computer game from MIT uses the laws of
special relativity. Your aim? Match the speed
of light by collecting objects, while the
behaviour of the universe around you changes
from your increased speed.
http://bit.ly/RJk5Yh
>> People playing chess on rollercoasters <<
Inspired by an xkcd comic, some excellent,
cerebral posing at amusement parks.
http://xkcd.com/chesscoaster/
>> 90s music magazine archive <<
Specifically, this is b3tan Monkeon's
meticulous archive of top 90s music mag Select.
A treat for the nostalgic, or actual young
people researching some sort of ironic revival.
http://selectmagazinescans.monkeon.co.uk/
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: AMAZON TAT
Useful guff and the occasional funny review
* SOAK YOUR NUTS - possibly the best book title
ever and the woman on the cover looks so
pleased to offer you a nut-soaking, how could
you say no?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/157067264...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV with a 15 sec ad break every two mins
>> Banthapug <<
Cute. Nerd-fluffy. Watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Cockney Romney <<
If Mitt Romney had won the election, we'd be
demanding to see his passport about now
because, well, listen to this. Comment win by
BertnotErnie: "Romney, you plonker."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cockney_Romney
>> Morphing paper fish <<
It is a vase? Is it a fish? Is it a hat? Or
some unspeakable combination of all three??
Aï aï cthulhu ftagn.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Morphing_paper_fish
>> Fuck you Daily Mail <<
Softly-spoken, but telling attack on the
cynical fucks who run the UK's most popular
news website. Uh, we just need to check if
we're running one of their ads this week. Okay,
well this is worth 20 minutes of anybody's time.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fuck_you_Daily_Mail
>> Monkey pool <<
Tiny, mischievous primates break every rule of
poolside conduct. But, dawww, they so cute.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_pool_needs_some_rul...
>> 'Terminator' arm <<
The world's most advanced prosthetic limb gives
us new hope that the day is nigh when we can
lop off our natural extremities and become
cyborg overlords. As an aside, there is
something quite odd about designing an advanced
robot that can operate a computer mouse. That's
not the way we saw the future going.
http://bit.ly/XprBuQ
>> Unicorn Wizard <<
Brain-meltingly awesome is the aesthetic
they're going for. Successfully? We'll let you
know when our brains re-coalesce.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Stewart Lee - Observational Comedy <<
Stewart Lee tries his hand at observational
comedy. Or is he satirising observational
comedy. Anyway, it's very clever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stewart_Lee_Observationa...
This is obviously all in aid of promoting Lee's
new DVD and we urge you to check it out, and
give him your money and support, so he's not
compelled to wander the streets of Kentish
Town, begging for succour.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B007RD9OLE/b3ta-21
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
3 lies: often not funny, seldom about names and
never in the shape of a corner.
* UNFORTUNATE URL - @sandersonjones recommends,
"Song Room, an Oz charity that helps poor
kids play music."
http://www.songroom.com
* BIG PENIS BUILDING - m477hew writes,
"Cock-shaped architecture. The symbol of the
future." Yep, and this is, of course, on
purpose - literally, the rich waving their
willies at us.
http://bit.ly/Ssdsqw
* RUDE AUTHOR NAME - stevenawright writes,
"Just reading about Lance Armstrong and
stumbled upon the former director of the
WADA. He's even got a book." Blimey, what a
brilliant name, and the cover also looks exactly
like someone pounding their dick.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/047083870...
* GOATSE CORNER - Jimski writes, "After a long,
*long* time lurking I finally got round to
emailing you something half usable. Nestle Milo
Chocolate Malt." Blimey. It's the phrase "made
with malted barley" that really makes us go
ewww.
http://bit.ly/YXvaHR
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: BLOCK FRIDAY
Twitter accounts to block because they're
funnier than us and it makes us jealous
* PIPPA TIPS - a spoof on the Middleton
sister's books that state the bleeding obvious,
e.g, "a haircut is a great way to deal with
over-grown or untidy hair. Hair salons & barbers
can do this for you in exchange for money."
https://twitter.com/Pippatips
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: GAME
Text-based multiplayer FPS
We've always enjoyed the gag of making text
adventure versions of arcade games. The
legendary comp.sys.sinclair Crap Games
Competition once had a version of
Tetris that began, "You're in a deep dark cave. You
see an L-shape fall towards you. You can move it
left, right or rotate." And on a similar tip but
better, because it's fucking multi-player, comes
this.
http://eigen.pri.ee/shooter/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the spiders challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate spiders.
Your favourites included:
* SPIDERS FROM MARS - David Meowie is one cool
cat who wins this competition by a whisker.
(Doctor When)
http://b3ta.com/board/10875363
* CHARLOTTE'S WEB - the famous kid's story
pointing out exactly what's so great about "some
pig". (moistness)
http://b3ta.com/board/10876049
* CERN SUPER SPIDER COLLIDER - try saying
"spider collider" out loud - it's delicious to
say. ( The Twisted Omentum )
http://b3ta.com/board/10875219
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/science/
>> New challenge: Solve stuff with Science <<
It's a scientific fact that everything is better
with science. So this week's Challenge is to use
science to solve everyday problems.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/science/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ERRATUM - Noely Noel writes, "Hey, I
suggested a link for the newsletter,
unfortunately you gave me credit for producing
the fireworks labels when it was another user
altogether. I gazzed him and apologised, might
you put a rectification in the next
newsletter?" We are sorry. We'll walk from
village to village thrashing ourselves with old
newsletters.
* ERRATUM II (ERRATA) - Mekon74 follows up,
"Your lovely news newsletter (552) prominently
features my rude fireworks. Thanks for that.
It's nice to know they're appreciated, but
you've credited them to Noely Noel. Who's that
then? My B3ta name is Mekon74. It's a small and
relatively unimportant issue, since it's not my
real name, but it's still a bit annoying." We
are sorry, so sorry. There's no-one to blame
but our useless selves.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* FREE STUFF - nobody has sent us anything
interesting in the post for ages. Go on. Make
our postie sweat.
* TIPS ON HOW TO BE AN ADULT - we run a comedic
internet newsletter, we clearly struggle with
such stuff.
* A MAGIC SOLUTION TO BLACKHEADS - surely we
should have grown out of them by now?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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High Achievers : [email protected]
Bye-bye leavers: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by R. Jimlad, c@bbage,
Dawn Of The Bread, TheTrampSurveyor, davescfc,
Pew Pew Pew! Lasers! tim, ‏@alergy, @lost_78,
@MatofKilburnia, @LeeRedders & shkspr.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
We love Matt Round.
Subjlols via prince-igor.
Top tips via A Vagabond.
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TOP TIP:
Make people think you're clever by having a degree.
