NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE UNDERPAID SAY 99% OF THE PUBLIC"
This Week:
* TEDDYBEARS - Zombified and dead scary
* PICS - Cats that look like pinup girls
* DUMPED- Your answers to out cheerful QOTW
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Keeping Piers Morgan
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in the US.. together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 562 - 11 Jan 2013
Read this issue whilst using MSPaint to draw Kate:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue562
Yay : [email protected]
Nay : [email protected]
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: KILN (sponsored link)
New Arcade game for iOS & Android
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Listed in Indie Game Magazine's top mobile
arcade games of 2012.
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/kiln/id569011001
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> YouTube improvements <<
"Those scamps at YouTube are tweaking the site
again," observes somegreybloke. Under the guise
of 'making features more convenient' this vid
handily skewers YouTube's terrible community.
http://bit.ly/Uax8lk
>> Alex Jones' Gun frenzy <<
"Whipped this one together yesterday. Hopefully
the New World Order isn't after me now," writes
paid Illuminati shill smearballs, of this Piers
Morgan/gun nut spot for the Conan O'Brien Show.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Alex_Jones_Gun_frenzy
>> Drop dead Ted <<
"Any chance of getting my UndeadTeds into the
Newsletter?" inquires NobbyNobody, dripping with
blood and fake fur. "Pretty please? Kiss kiss?"
Genuinely horrible, but maybe in a cool way.
http://undeadteds.tumblr.com/
>> Police update the sound of their sirens <<
"This is not fake news," claims becomingbatman,
before losing his nerve and admitting "it is."
As ideas go, we'd actually like to see London
become this mellow.
http://bit.ly/XV7YvH
>> Jack Sparrow's Chanel No.5 advert <<
"Noticed the speech was more fitting for the
Captain," writes Newcott, of Brad Pitt's
current, nonsensical perfume campaign.
Surprisingly good Captain Jack impression - it's
a lucky man who can pass himself off as Brad
Pitt.
http://bit.ly/WxlwXQ
>> Freudian Twitterbot <<
"Over Christmas, I realised what the world
really needed," writes Bananaman. "So I made a
twitter bot that lets people know what their
unconscious was really thinking about." Send it
a message and it swaps one of the words for a
similar-sounding swear. Basically, it's like
they've automated a conversation with a
nine-year-old schoolboy.
http://www.twitter.com/freudianbot
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: BRIAN BLESSED ALARM CLOCK FOR ANDROID
Never accidentally sleep in again (sponsored link)
The developer Rich Gardner writes, "Here it is,
finally, the Brian Blessed Alarm Clock for
Android, lovingly hand crafted in Brian's shed.
Sorry it took so long but Android development is
a pain in the backside. We can't test it on
everything but we have on the best selling
devices (about the top 25% of the market). We'd
recommend a half decent phone - Gingerbread
(Android 2.3) and a 480x800 screen size or
higher. It won't work reliably on the Kindle
Fire yet unless you've hacked it with the real
Android operating system, but we're working on
it."
http://bit.ly/TZ1KGj
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: AMAZON TAT
Gammy products, dumb reviews and such bollocks
* DIGITAL SCALES - worth looking at the
"Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought"
bit. Obviously a lot of people who grow and dry
their own basil - Amazon is the SFW Silk Road.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0012LOQU...
* FLORIDA FIDDLER - Life and Times of Richard
Seaman. Always good when a book gets an innuendo
into both the title and author.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/081731553...
* GOATSE BRACELET - troncmaster writes,
"Travelling back on a flight recently I saw this
item for sale in the duty free magazine. Your
very own goatse bracelet. Wear it with pride :)"
Shame they've sold out - we'd quite like one of
these.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001TH8GI...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Dumped
When the love has gone, the opportunity to be
an utter shit remains. We wanted your dumping
stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dumped/
* PILLION - "Way back when I was a spotty teen
at college, there was a very attractive Iranian
girl who I liked. I wasn't much use at chatting
up, and to be frank I reckoned she was waaaaay
out of my league, but amazingly I seemed to be
making some progress. She was interested in the
fact that I rode a motorcycle, so I plucked up
the courage and asked her if she'd like to go for
a ride. I couldn't believe it when she said yes!
I had visions of a gentle ride through the
countryside, perhaps stopping at a pub for lunch.
I also had other kinds of visions, which were
threatening to poke holes in the fuel tank. This
could be the start of something, I thought, as she
swung her long legs over the seat and her arms
snaked around my chest - she actually seems keen
on me. She wasn't so keen when I hit a patch of
gravel leaving the college car-park and dumped the
bike, simultaneously cutting her leg and burning
it on the exhaust... Shortest date I ever had."
(moon monkey)
* COLIN - "Aged 13, I was dumped by a boy
called Colin. It was very public. He stormed
up to me in the playground and shouted, 'That's
it! I can't put up with you any more! You
treat me like dirt and I'm sick of your games,
we're through!' After treating him like that,
you might think I deserved to be dumped. Thing
was, as Colin was usually very shy, he'd never
spoken more than two words to me before. He'd
certainly never asked me out. It's quite bizarre
to get dumped by someone you didn't know you
were going out with."
(Smash Monkey)
* COLON - "If I ever dump The Lovely Mrs Ring of
Fire, I'll feed the dog a length of plastic tape
with the message written on it, so it'll emerge
from the animal's arse like an old fashioned news
ticker."
(Ring Of Fire)
>> This Week - UNSAYABLE <<
Ever had to tell someone they had BO? Had to
break dreadful news to somebody? Tell us how you
broke through the cringe barrier:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sayingtheunsayable/
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: JOIN A WEB COMEDY EVENT THING
All your internet are belong to us
Sanderson Jones writes, "I am starting a new
digital comedy night called ALL YOUR INTERNET
ARE BELONG TO US. It is a night of web and tech
enabled jokery.
"I'd love not just to have comics but also just
people who do funny stuff online, and give them
a chance to talk about it on stage. Or would it
be interesting enough to go in the newsletter?"
http://bit.ly/XVy69Y
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Anatomy of a 4chan Hoax <<
Buzzfeed watches a "4chan chatroom", as users
seed news services with fake history for a hoax
teen suicide. It's a relatively slick operation;
committed trolls at work.
http://bit.ly/10c0tC1
>> Cats that look like pinup girls <<
Glamour & kittens - surely the reason the
internet was invented.
http://catsthatlooklikepinupgirls.tumblr.com/
>> Doom 3 Gangnam Style <<
In this year of our Lord 2013, if you haven't
yet seen a retro videogame rendition of Gangnam
Style, start here. Press ASDW keys to move the
camera. The Hell Knight dances particularly
coquettishly.
http://apps.playcanvas.com/will/doom3/gangnamstyle
>> Free Photoshop From Adobe <<
Extraordinarily, Adobe is giving away free
copies of its CS2 apps. That's the 2005 version
of Photoshop, Illustrator, Premier... all that
good stuff (that, if we're honest, is exactly as
good as the current version). You'll need to
create an Adobe account, which probably means
they own your soul, but otherwise it's totally
gratis.
http://adobe.ly/13dllXk
>> DJ interviews Doug Stanhope by mistake <<
Mix-up at the radio station leads to clueless DJ
interviewing stand-up Doug Stanhope, under the
impression that he's actually interviewing Sex
Pistol John Lydon. Stanhope strings him along
magnificently.
http://bit.ly/PuUROu
>> The absolute worst book cover designs <<
Why bother shelling out cash for a proper book
cover designer, when you can rustle up something
like this? The answer seems obvious to you or I.
http://lousybookcovers.tumblr.com/
>> Crouching child, hidden mum <<
Strangely evocative Victorian child photography.
Cameras were so slow and children so squirmy
that their mothers had to hold them still. But,
for some reason, it was deemed best to hide Mum
by disguising her as drapery or a chair. Odd
people.
http://bit.ly/R0AsNd
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine the Gameboy Camera with colour & sound
>> The Chicken Goat <<
It looks like a goat, but makes a noise like a
chicken. This kind of unsettling shit is why the
goat has become the default symbol of evil,
along with Rory Bremner.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Trombone cam <<
Musician mucks about with a camera on the slide
of his trombone. The result is pleasingly silly.
Also worth watching the 'stabilised' version,
where someone has adjusted the image to keep the
guy's eyebrows the same size throughout.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> RIP Alistair The Optimist <<
Alistair passed away yesterday. In his words, "I
was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease 18
months ago. Me and a group of friends decided to
write and record a collection of songs under the
banner 'Alistair The Optimist', and in the
summer of 2011 recorded an album in 3 days. "The
album captures a moment in time when my
weakening muscles still allowed me to play
drums, something I am no longer able to do, and
as such, the band will never play live." Lovely
song, very sad news.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/RIP_Alistair_The_Optimis...
>> Brian Butterfield's Sports Warehouse <<
Peter Serafinowicz pops up on CBBC's new
sports-based sketch show. In other news, kids'
TV comedy remains both funnier and cleverer than
the majority of stuff aimed at grown-ups.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brian_Butterfields_Sport...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now incorporating Cock & Ball weekly
seanmcguire writes, "The 30th anniversary of
MIDI logo looks like a cock and balls. That is
all." No sir, that isn't call, also we spy a
cancerous growth on the ballsack.
http://www.midi.org/midi30/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Online/Office Challenge
Last week we wanted you to imagine a world in
which people behave offline like they do online.
Our favourites posters included:
* Prodigy69 ponders the rage people show when
they've seen an image before.
http://b3ta.com/board/10903457
* Champagnerocker is concerned about the privacy
implications of oversharing.
http://b3ta.com/board/10904290
* Whereas Robneymcplum is all about the paedo
lies.
http://b3ta.com/board/10903436
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/online-offline/
>> This week: British Empire Strikes Back <<
Once upon a time, Britain had an empire the
spanned the globe, from Asia to Africa and all
points elsewhere so what would the world be like
under a UK based hegemony rather than American?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/empire/popular/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BILLY 2.0 ENDS UP ON THE BBC - helmsdeep
writes, "The BBC somehow found their way to my
blog about my bionic ear and asked me to do an
interview for their Ouch podcast as well as
write a guest blog."
http://bbc.in/XVyfdh
* JIMMY SAVILE REMIX - Smearballs writes,
"Here's the music for an upcoming Savile video
remix w free download." We've seen a preview of
the video and gosh, you're in for quite
something here.
https://soundcloud.com/smearballs/jimmy-savile-rem...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If you
are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ICEY FILM EDITS - kevincopy asks, "thing I'd
love to see: Film of people slipping and sliding
and gingerly walking on icy pavements, but with
all the ice removed in post-production."
* MORE TOILETS AVAILABLE - there used to be
loads of public toilets, and one by one they're
all being shut forcing the public to nip into a
pub / McDonalds's for a piss.
* ONE VOLUME CONTROL - our laptop has a volume
control on iTunes, a separate master one and
finally another on our bluetooth speakers. One
volume knob to control them all please.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Cats : [email protected]
Twats: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by floyd (the Barbie),
Pesky Young Scamp, dirtyscarab, Matt Round,
Stashie, feckler, ‏@LondonYank, Sheep!,
@Firehorse_on_SL, @TomDavenport,
paultheglasgowvamp, sohcomjohn
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Top tip via 2 Can Chunder.
"We're saving the web" by @hnldesign.
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TOP TIP:
Pretend that you are using bitcoins by making
computer noises every time you pay for something
with regular coins.
