NEWSLETTER: "100% HORSEMEAT. NO BULL."
This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Stop motions
* OKCUPID - Meets Horse_ebooks
* CHARLIE BROOKER - vs shopping channel
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We are the world.com
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | we are the children.net"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 567 - 8 Feb 2013
Read this issue whilst gargling marbles:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue567
Vote : [email protected]
Spoil : [email protected]
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: AMAZON TAT
(sponsored link sort of)
* TEH CLASSICS - we were recently reminded of
the product that kicked off the whole stupid
Amazon review thing in 2006: a Katie Price &
Peter Andre album, and the mental reviews are
still going strong "I haven't pooed for three
days since first listening to this record". It's
no longer trolling, but mass collaborative art.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000JU8FX...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Dog vs. Paddling Pool - The Translation <<
"First one I've put up in about a year," admits
Slurpy J, modern-day Johnny Morris of the
internet. "I've been working on something else,
but missed you guys."
http://bit.ly/11usgyr
>> Beast-roaster <<
"Morning sirs," greets Goddam. "Got a thing.
It's a roast beast calculator. For working out
how long you need to roast your beef, pork,
lamb, goose, chicken or duck." Sadly for
topicality, no horse.
http://justroast.it
>> Kill The Noise - animated slaughter <<
Splatterpunk claymation pioneer leehardcastle is
back with more bloody plasticine mayhem that he
presents here without comment. He's probably
on call, in case Morph needs an autopsy.
http://bit.ly/XsDyuK
>> Harry Clayton-Wright Video CV <<
"My friend Harry's looking for a job since
recently moving to London," reveals woahbot. "I
helped him spruce up his CV by making it into a
video. Hopefully jobs will magic themselves out
of the corporate blue-sky and synergise face
first into his groin!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Harry_Clayton_Wright_Vid...
>> You May Not Mean To Hurt Me (But You Do) <<
"I've done a video for a chap called Sam
Sallon," writes HappyToast. Melancholy little
tune about unrequited love - nice twiddly
guitars.
http://bit.ly/11usllH
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
(More) Pet Stories
Last week we asked for stories of excellent (and
rubbish) pets in honour of Scaryduck's recently
deceased dog.
http://b3ta.com/questions/morepetstories/
* POOL - "I used to live at a pub which my dad
ran. We got a black cat - black as the dead of
night. One day she got inside the pool table. A
few minutes later one of the regulars came in,
put his money in and released the balls. As he
reached in to pick them up, a black furry paw
shot out, swatted him on the back of the hand
and disappeared back inside the table. He
screamed and nearly shat himself in fright; the
rest of the pub nearly shat themselves
laughing." (Professor Kenny Martin)
* HAIR - "I've a pet snake. Not the brightest
spark: she'll like tie herself into knots and
then panic, or 'hide' by burying her head and
thinking she's safe, not realising that the
other two feet of her is sticking out in the
open... Anyway, a few weeks ago I was holding
her while reading and she crawled under my hair.
This isn't too unusual: I have very long hair,
so it's warm and dark and pretty much snake
heaven. This time, however, I sneezed. Sudden
noises make snakes panic and she instinctively
curled up into a ball, weaving herself into my
hair, knotting herself in. I tried pulling her
out gently, but she was pretty freaked and just
clung tighter. So I tried leaving her to crawl
out on her own, but happy in her safe place, she
dozed off. By now I'm panicking: there's a snake
stuck in my hair, and she's been known to sleep
for days. A friend rang to ask if I was going to
the pub. I whispered franticly, 'I might be late!
I have a snake stuck in my hair!' In the end,
after 40 minutes, I managed to coax her out with
a defrosted mouse." (Sivvus)
* TURD - "When I was 15 I was at my friend's
house for dinner. In full view through the
window, the family dog did a shit in the garden
and subsequently ate it. The dog ran quickly
back into the house and vomited up its own shit
next to us onto the carpet whilst we were still
eating. The resulting vomity/shit stench was
unlike anything I've had the misfortune of
experiencing before or since. I couldn't finish
my dinner." (l0bst3r)
>> This Week - THE NAUGHTY STEP <<
When was the last time you were properly told
off? Tell us about memorable punishments you've
experienced, or damn good ones you've dished out:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thenaughtystep/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Alternative lady Doctor Who <<
Wonderfully thought-out alternative history of a
non-sexist Doctor Who. Now do James Bond please.
http://www.scifind.com/features/the-other-11-docto...
>> GIF search engine <<
Although they resisted the urge to call it
gifoogle.com
http://giphy.com/
>> Litterplugs <<
Obeying the letter, if not the spirit, of not
strewing rubbish everywhere - the strange
phenomenon of 'litterplugs', where people stow
garbage in unexpectedly creative places.
Anything goes, as long as it doesn't touch the
ground.
http://cabel.me/2013/02/04/litterplugs/
>> The slow paparazzo <<
Celebrity photos, without the celebrity.
Spookily empty scenes, where the subject has
just stepped out of the frame.
http://theywerejusthere.tumblr.com/
>> Clever dental floss ad <<
Capitalising on your tendency to home in on the
most obvious defect...
http://bit.ly/11usnKl
>> Where the fuck should I go for drinks? <<
Rude, fulfills a social need, entertainingly
random: it suggested we go drink at our local
kebab shop.
http://www.wherethefuckshouldigofordrinks.com/
>> Isolated family unaware of WWII <<
Fearing religious persecution, this Russian
family cut themselves off from all human contact
for over 40 years in the most inhospitable
conditions imaginable. Rediscovered in 1978,
because someone happened to fly over their house
in a helicopter...
http://bit.ly/11usrK0
>> OK Cupid meets Horse-ebooks <<
Notoriously gnomic Twitterbot has its
capabilities extended to baiting lonely men
through online dating chat. Like SkyNet gaining
sentience, but less atomic war, more sexual
frustration.
http://okcebooks.tumblr.com
>> Things fitting perfectly into things <<
Soothe your OCD tendencies, with this gallery of
unrelated objects that nonetheless tessellate
perfectly. And if they can do it, why can't we,
eh? Why can't we?
http://thingsfittingperfectlyintothings.tumblr.com...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a load of shitty vids on the internet
>> Charlie Brooker shopping channel <<
Delightful moment where a C4 broadcast
interrupts a shopping channel sales pitch.
Almost too good to be true.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Charlie_Brooker_Shopping...
>> Cat vs dominoes <<
We almost couldn't be bothered to watch this,
imagining that a cat knocking over some dominoes
would be extremely tedious - yet we raised our
apathetic clicking finger and were mightily
entertained.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/cat_and_dominos
>> 12 y/o sends Hello Kitty 17 Miles into Space. <<
Amazing what can be done on a relatively low
budget these days. Might be a bit cruel to stick
a hamster into something like this but if we've
thought of it then so has someone else.
http://bit.ly/11usvt7
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: FRIDAY GAME
Choose your own adventure flash game
10 years in the making, the game is set in the
early 1980s, during a period of Cold War
tension, and you play a kid in a first-world
democracy on lunch break. Amusing.
http://www.atrianglemorning.com/games/flash.php
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Don't Visit Britain
Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show how rubbish the
UK is.
Your favourites included:
* DEPARTURE: in which the Irish Sea decides,
quite frankly, that it's had enough (Ham o'
Shatner)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10921620
* GANDALF: the UK Border Agency's newest recruit
sets a high barrier for entry (xandmi)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10919828
* LIST: extensive catalogue of anti-entry
propaganda in handy poster form (Mighty Nibus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10919360
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britain-is-rubbish/
>> New challenge: Stop Motion Animation <<
"Have we ever had a stop motion challenge?",
asked Monkeon. "Stop motion animation is
lovely". No we haven't. So break out the wobbly
tripods and get creating. For that is this
week's task
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stop-motion/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If you
are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TEA WITH FRIENDS - after the horrors of
Facebook app "Bang with Friends" what about a
soft, nicer idea? Click on people you'd secretly
like to have a cup of tea with.
* YOUTUBA - Simon asks, "How about Youtuba.com -
a site full of interesting Tuba based videos? Or
Youtuna.com, full of Tuna based videos? Or
Youtudor.com, full of Tudor based videos? Or...."
* AN APP FOR BUSTING GHOSTS - carrying around
all the kit is getting to be a drag.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look at
everything you send us.
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Users : [email protected]
Losers: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ‏@alexhern,
@flashboy, Dawn Of The Bread, ‏‏@Manboet,
@party_shaun, Matt Round, robneymcplum,
TheTrampSurveyor, Sharcore, ‏@lauriepink,
‏@webade Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Captain Howdy.
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: TOP TIP:
If you happen to get ejaculate on your carpet,
for whatever reason, don't confuse the cleaning
instructions with that of candle wax. Ironing a
piece of kitchen roll over the stain does not
remove it, it just makes it worse and your front
room smells of warm jizz... (robneymcplum)
