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This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Stop motions
* OKCUPID - Meets Horse_ebooks
* CHARLIE BROOKER - vs shopping channel

________  ____ __  ___
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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   we are the children.net"
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B3ta email 567  - 8 Feb 2013

Read this issue whilst gargling marbles:

  Vote  :  [email protected]
  Spoil : [email protected]

  (sponsored link sort of)
  * TEH CLASSICS - we were recently reminded of
  the product that kicked off the whole stupid
  Amazon review thing in 2006: a Katie Price &
  Peter Andre album, and the mental reviews are
  still going strong "I haven't pooed for three
  days since first listening to this record". It's
  no longer trolling, but mass collaborative art.

 >> Sponsor B3ta <<
 Want this space? Then talk to us.



  >> Dog vs. Paddling Pool - The Translation <<
  "First one I've put up in about a year," admits
  Slurpy J, modern-day Johnny Morris of the
  internet. "I've been working on something else,
  but missed you guys."

  >> Beast-roaster <<
  "Morning sirs," greets Goddam. "Got a thing.
  It's a roast beast calculator. For working out
  how long you need to roast your beef, pork,
  lamb, goose, chicken or duck." Sadly for
  topicality, no horse.

  >> Kill The Noise - animated slaughter <<
  Splatterpunk claymation pioneer leehardcastle is
  back with more bloody plasticine mayhem that he
  presents here without comment. He's probably
  on call, in case Morph needs an autopsy.

  >> Harry Clayton-Wright Video CV <<
  "My friend Harry's looking for a job since
  recently moving to London," reveals woahbot. "I
  helped him spruce up his CV by making it into a
  video. Hopefully jobs will magic themselves out
  of the corporate blue-sky and synergise face
  first into his groin!"

  >> You May Not Mean To Hurt Me (But You Do) <<
  "I've done a video for a chap called Sam
  Sallon," writes HappyToast. Melancholy little
  tune about unrequited love - nice twiddly


  (More) Pet Stories
  Last week we asked for stories of excellent (and
  rubbish) pets in honour of Scaryduck's recently
  deceased dog. 

  * POOL - "I used to live at a pub which my dad
  ran. We got a black cat - black as the dead of
  night. One day she got inside the pool table. A
  few minutes later one of the regulars came in,
  put his money in and released the balls. As he
  reached in to pick them up, a black furry paw
  shot out, swatted him on the back of the hand
  and disappeared back inside the table. He
  screamed and nearly shat himself in fright; the
  rest of the pub nearly shat themselves
  laughing." (Professor Kenny Martin)
  * HAIR - "I've a pet snake. Not the brightest
  spark: she'll like tie herself into knots and
  then panic, or 'hide' by burying her head and
  thinking she's safe, not realising that the
  other two feet of her is sticking out in the
  open... Anyway, a few weeks ago I was holding
  her while reading and she crawled under my hair.
  This isn't too unusual: I have very long hair,
  so it's warm and dark and pretty much snake
  heaven. This time, however, I sneezed. Sudden
  noises make snakes panic and she instinctively
  curled up into a ball, weaving herself into my
  hair, knotting herself in. I tried pulling her
  out gently, but she was pretty freaked and just
  clung tighter. So I tried leaving her to crawl
  out on her own, but happy in her safe place, she
  dozed off. By now I'm panicking: there's a snake
  stuck in my hair, and she's been known to sleep
  for days. A friend rang to ask if I was going to
  the pub. I whispered franticly, 'I might be late!
  I have a snake stuck in my hair!' In the end,
  after 40 minutes, I managed to coax her out with
  a defrosted mouse." (Sivvus)
  * TURD - "When I was 15 I was at my friend's
  house for dinner. In full view through the
  window, the family dog did a shit in the garden
  and subsequently ate it. The dog ran quickly
  back into the house and vomited up its own shit
  next to us onto the carpet whilst we were still
  eating. The resulting vomity/shit stench was
  unlike anything I've had the misfortune of
  experiencing before or since. I couldn't finish
  my dinner." (l0bst3r)

  >> This Week - THE NAUGHTY STEP <<
  When was the last time you were properly told
  off? Tell us about memorable punishments you've
  experienced, or damn good ones you've dished out:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Alternative lady Doctor Who <<
  Wonderfully thought-out alternative history of a
  non-sexist Doctor Who. Now do James Bond please.

  >> GIF search engine <<
  Although they resisted the urge to call it

  >> Litterplugs <<
  Obeying the letter, if not the spirit, of not
  strewing rubbish everywhere - the strange
  phenomenon of 'litterplugs', where people stow
  garbage in unexpectedly creative places.
  Anything goes, as long as it doesn't touch the

  >> The slow paparazzo <<
  Celebrity photos, without the celebrity.
  Spookily empty scenes, where the subject has
  just stepped out of the frame.

  >> Clever dental floss ad <<
  Capitalising on your tendency to home in on the
  most obvious defect...

  >> Where the fuck should I go for drinks? <<
  Rude, fulfills a social need, entertainingly
  random: it suggested we go drink at our local
  kebab shop.

  >> Isolated family unaware of WWII <<
  Fearing religious persecution, this Russian
  family cut themselves off from all human contact
  for over 40 years in the most inhospitable
  conditions imaginable. Rediscovered in 1978,
  because someone happened to fly over their house
  in a helicopter...

  >> OK Cupid meets Horse-ebooks <<
  Notoriously gnomic Twitterbot has its
  capabilities extended to baiting lonely men
  through online dating chat. Like SkyNet gaining
  sentience, but less atomic war, more sexual

  >> Things fitting perfectly into things <<
  Soothe your OCD tendencies, with this gallery of
  unrelated objects that nonetheless tessellate
  perfectly. And if they can do it, why can't we,
  eh? Why can't we?


  Like a load of shitty vids on the internet

  >> Charlie Brooker shopping channel <<
  Delightful moment where a C4 broadcast
  interrupts a shopping channel sales pitch.
  Almost too good to be true.

  >> Cat vs dominoes <<
  We almost couldn't be bothered to watch this,
  imagining that a cat knocking over some dominoes
  would be extremely tedious - yet we raised our
  apathetic clicking finger and were mightily

  >> 12 y/o sends Hello Kitty 17 Miles into Space. <<
  Amazing what can be done on a relatively low
  budget these days. Might be a bit cruel to stick
  a hamster into something like this but if we've
  thought of it then so has someone else.


  Choose your own adventure flash game

  10 years in the making, the game is set in the
  early 1980s, during a period of Cold War
  tension, and you play a kid in a first-world
  democracy on lunch break. Amusing.


  Results from the Don't Visit Britain 

  Last week we wanted you to show how rubbish the
  UK is.

  Your favourites included:
  * DEPARTURE: in which the Irish Sea decides,
  quite frankly, that it's had enough (Ham o'
  * GANDALF: the UK Border Agency's newest recruit
  sets a high barrier for entry (xandmi)

  * LIST: extensive catalogue of anti-entry
  propaganda in handy poster form (Mighty Nibus)
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Stop Motion Animation <<
  "Have we ever had a stop motion challenge?",
  asked Monkeon. "Stop motion animation is
  lovely". No we haven't. So break out the wobbly
  tripods and get creating. For that is this
  week's task



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If you
  are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TEA WITH FRIENDS - after the horrors of
  Facebook app "Bang with Friends" what about a
  soft, nicer idea? Click on people you'd secretly
  like to have a cup of tea with. 

  * YOUTUBA - Simon asks, "How about Youtuba.com -
  a site full of interesting Tuba based videos? Or
  Youtuna.com, full of Tuna based videos? Or
  Youtudor.com, full of Tudor based videos? Or...."

  * AN APP FOR BUSTING GHOSTS - carrying around
  all the kit is getting to be a drag. 
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look at
  everything you send us.


   Users :  [email protected]
   Losers:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by &#8207;@alexhern,
  @flashboy, Dawn Of The Bread, &#8207;&#8207;@Manboet,
  @party_shaun, Matt Round, robneymcplum,
  TheTrampSurveyor, Sharcore, &#8207;@lauriepink,
  &#8207;@webade Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Captain Howdy.

  If you happen to get ejaculate on your carpet,
  for whatever reason, don't confuse the cleaning
  instructions with that of candle wax. Ironing a
  piece of kitchen roll over the stain does not
  remove it, it just makes it worse and your front
  room smells of warm jizz... (robneymcplum)

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