NEWSLETTER: "ATHLETE'S LEGS FOUND IN LASAGNE"
This Week:
* BLACK METAL - Interior design
* LIFE ADVICE - From machines
* GOATS - Yelling like humans
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We are saving, we
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | are saving with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Slipstream... together"
B3ta email 569 - 22 Feb 2013
Read this issue into bin to make it sound flat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue569
Flirty fishing : [email protected]
Deprogramming : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Smoking, salami, shakes, offcuts & fighting
>> Marco Doobio <<
Smearballs goes from strength to strength with
these little satire spots for Conan. Here,
Republican senator Marco Rubio gives his
response to Obama's State of the Union address.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Marco_Doobio
>> Petsalami <<
"I saw this cute dog doing something funny or
whatever, I don't remember..." begins
MattiasKallio. "Anyway, it was on Petsami. I
read it wrong and got Petsalami instead, I
thought that was funny so." Please forward to
as many gullible people as possible.
http://www.petsalami.com/
>> Rolling Harlem Shake <<
"Inspired by that vine peek thing we were all
looking at last week," confesses Tom Devart,
"here's a real time (ish) feed of Harlem Shake
videos." Formulaic yet endlessly inventive.
http://www.harlempeek.com/
>> Animated offcuts <<
"Any danger of squeezing my dodgy-looking
selection of Offcuts in your newsletter?"
inquires Chipping Sodbury. Sorry, buddy, we
don't like quick-fire gags and Gilliamesque
animation.
http://vimeo.com/59293888
>> YouTube interactive fighting <<
"I made this interactive fighting video that
turns YouTube into a real life XBOX 360! or
close enough anyhow," brags Faceburger. Clever,
but would be improved if you could actually
punch YouTube commenters, in their actual,
real-life faces.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Utterly Drunk
Last week we wanted your stupid 'I got drunk
and pooed on a car' stories. Yay! Now go read
buffet_the_appetite_slayer's story of alcoholic
misery and redemption:
http://b3ta.com/questions/utterlydrunk/
* PEACH - "On a stag weekend in Budapest we
decided we had to try the national tipples.
One was the hilariously-monikered Unicum,
the other is Palinka, which is drunk in a
stemmed glass and comes in various flavours
ranging from "really quite nice" to "somebody
shoot me please." One evening saw us in a
cool cellar bar getting a couple more beers
before our taxi arrived. Suspended above our
heads was a giant green glass ball with a
tap on the bottom. Truly it was a beauteous
thing to see. "What's that?" "Palinka" replied
the barmaid "Honeyed peach flavour!" We looked
at each other. Honeyed peach! That sounded
delicious! Two were ordered, and downed at
the bar. Ho. Lee. Fuck. O_o. Honeyed peach?
Undead peaches in diesel, more like. We gasped,
spluttered, swore, clung to the bar as our
consciousness wavered, then staggered back to
where the rest of the group was sitting. Not
only did beer completely fail to mask the taste,
but everyone made us sit at the far end of the
table as the smell was making them all feel sick."
(Professor Kenny Martin)
* TRAIN - "Getting the last train from London
to Exeter can turn a lovely drunken sleepy
commute into a half dazed nightmare should
you wake up in Plymouth or Penzance (I've done
both.) But this train terminated at Exeter
so I was happy to knock back a few tins of gin,
showed my ticket and pass out into my Chuck
Palahnuik safe in the knowledge I'd not
overshoot into another country. When I awoke
the train had indeed stopped in Exeter, only
quite a few hours before. Everyone had alighted,
the inspector checked the carriages, the driver
pulled into the sidings, switched off all the
lights, locked up and gone home. Half dazed
nightmare doesn't cover it. At least the swishy
doors between carriages don't switch off so as
you stumble back and forth in panic it's a bit
like a shit episode of Star Trek. Calling 999
('Ummm, I'm locked on a train') the police told
me to wait for the controller, who finally located
me and helped me off. 'I bet this happens all
the time', I said rather sheepishly to my saviour.
He looked at me witheringly. 'No'."
(garetha)
* POO - "I got stuck in the sunroof of a car.
I was trying to have a poo on the windscreen
and the glass gave way."
(Wooflington Pig)
>> This Week - LOL BIGOTS! <<
Tell us stories of bigots, racists, sexists,
homophobes and loud-mouths so that we may point
and laugh:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lolbigots/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Gangster Bankers: Too Big to Jail <<
Got to love Matt Tiabbi, the Rolling Stone
journalist who once described Goldman Sachs as a
"great vampire squid wrapped around the face of
humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel
into anything that smells like money." His
latest is on a round of banking scandals, where
the authorities admit it's too dangerous to jail
the culprits, despite them being caught red
handed laundering drug and terrorist money.
http://rol.st/UiVY5b
>> You had one job... <<
In what could be a sequel to the minor internet
meme "there, I fixed it" comes a collection of
photos of inept work. Keep pressing the right
key and occasionally smirk. It's like wanking
for your smile muscles.
http://hadonejob.com/
>> A New Hope Via DNS <<
Oh old B3tans, remember telnetting into
towel.blinkenlights.nl to get an ascii version
of Star Wars? Your wait for a slight
(unofficial) sequel is finally over. Simply
traceroute to 216.81.59.173
http://bit.ly/VXHWlV
>> Life advice from machines <<
Error messages as self-help? Oh god we're
getting nostalgic about error messages now - how
a Read Error B was always worse than a Read
Error A.
http://lifeadvicefrommachines.tumblr.com/
>> Place map of rude names <<
Here's a list of places to visit, then ask the
locals, "is this Cocking Fuckberry?" whilst they
look at you with the contempt you deserve.
http://maps.geotastic.org/rude/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if a Casio Camera Watch was colour!!!
>> Black Metal interior design <<
Your new favourite death metal band takes
interior design rather seriously. Gigglesome.
Reminds us Adam Curtis's comedy advice: take
silly stuff seriously. eg. a deadpan news
report about a skateboarding dog.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Black_Metal_Interior_Des...
>> Goats yelling like humans compilation <<
Unsure if this is dubbed or not - it certainly
doesn't sound like the goats in Kentish Town
City Farm. (You should visit; one is named
flopsy because he's been castrated.)
http://bit.ly/12RvN9A
>> Kittens vs. Sock Ninjas <<
Inspired bit of video compositing - green screen
some ninja blokes and make them fight cats.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kittens_vs_Sock_Ninjas
>> Vic 'n' Bob pop music show pilot <<
A largely-forgotten 30-minute pilot from the
early 90s, featuring some truly shit bands - Cud
& a girl group with Martine McCutcheon in it.
Strangely fascinating. TV from a decade
that we almost remember, but not quite like this.
http://bit.ly/15xNZ7y
>> Darwin Deez - You Can't Be My Girl <<
Genius use of stock footage to make creepy
singer even more creepy. Wish we'd thought of it.
http://bit.ly/XryrMb
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
The most adorable frog you will ever see!
When disturbed the Namaqua rainfrog has the
ability to inflate to twice its size and squeek
like a child's toy. Cute - he thinks he's being
scary. Pixar will probably base their next
cutefest on this little cunt and earn enough
money to shit on the Moon.
http://bit.ly/XryszC
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Actually names for once
* FLUSH THE PATRIARCHY DOWN THE BOG - Ashley
Kennerley writes to us to say, "The name of this
company is a stroke of genius." Indeed, although
it sounds like there isn't much stroking allowed.
http://www.stopcocks.co.uk/
* OH MY COCK, MY ACHEY BREAKY COCK - Fray
Brentos writes, "Just been sent to me by a
colleague. Think he can get some cream for that."
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/akin-koc/b/257/b40
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Panda Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
panda's rare splendour
Your favourites included:
* TOPICAL: that's the last time this cute
fella buys any of that cheap Findus
bamboo (Frogbeat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10927373
* STOVE: turn your hob into a living,
breathing panda face, or something
(monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10928832
* MYSTERIOUS: Peter the Panda is a
secret agent from Seattle, but his life
is unexciting (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10929553
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pandas/
>> New challenge: Sex-Up Literature <<
Sales are plummeting, apart from 50
Shades of Grey, which has been the
saviour of bookshops everywhere. The
answer is obvious: literature needs to be
sexier for it to survive. Your job this
week is to make it so. Challenge
suggested by Paul_P.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sexybooks/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SHED OF THE YEAR 2013 - "It's that time of
the year when I leave my shed and post here,"
writes wilco. Because, once again, entry is
open to the prestigious Shed of the Year
competition. There's already a strong field,
but you have until May 3rd to get your own
entry in:
http://bit.ly/13madWv
* HOW TO DRAW REALLY GOOD: SONIC -
Superpowerless continues his series of art
tutorials that show you how to get that
classic, in-the-head look. "If in doubt," he
writes, "add more fingers."
http://bit.ly/VOtaU6
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MONEY TREES - we've looked all over the
gardening centre for these but the staff first
pretended to laugh then finally asked us to leave.
* 3D PRINTED FOOD - surely it's only a matter of
time before we pour in sugar, protein and fat
then print out our own horse-burgers?
* NANOBOTS THAT KEEP OUR TOENAILS TRIMMED - and
don't write any naughty viruses that make them
snip off our cocks.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Let's have kids: [email protected]
Trial separation: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
TheTrampSurveyor, Legless, Mert, dr_mx,
gavindixon, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver,
Fray Brentos, ThunderThrust, Captain Howdy,
Jabberwoc & Faceburger.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Gruffi.
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TOP TIP:
Website owners: Need money to fund your
extravagant lifestyle full of hookers and
cocaine? Disable the search function on your
website and then ask people to donate money to
'fix' it. (2 Can Chunder)
