NEWSLETTER: "MAGGIE THATCHER WORM HATCHER"
This Week:
* JEREMY KYLE - vs. Cassetteboy
* ED BALLS - Everywhere, on everything
* THATCHER - Your loving photoshop tributes
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Hoping to score a line
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | of Thatcher's ashes
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| at the aftershow"
B3ta email 576 - 12 April 2013
Read this issue through the tears of your grief:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue576
Funeral : [email protected]
Fun-eral : [email protected]
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: AMAZON TAT - sponsored link
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http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/096375510...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Jeremy Kyle, Jokes, Jim, Britney and Swears
>> Cassetteboy reviews Jeremy Kyle <<
"It's Friday again, so there's a new Review,"
writes Cassetteboy. "People sometimes ask us
about the process of making these videos, so
here's some stats for you:
"We watched 8 episodes, which is about 6 and a
half hours worth. From that, we collected about
40 minutes of samples that seemed like they
might be useful.
"After that, we endlessly watched the 40
minutes, keeping the best bits, rearranging
them, until we ended up with the funniest 2 and
a half minutes.
"And after that, we really, really hated Jeremy
Kyle. What a monster."
http://b3ta.com/links/980527
Last week's Masterchef one has a lovely payoff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Top Ten Bad Jokes <<
"Here are bad jokes," intones Eddache. "Ten of
them." Number 6 is our favourite, inasmuch as,
you know, any of them are jokes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Top_Ten_Bad_Jokes
>> Jim'll Paint It: Wolf/Nokia <<
Mr. Eraserhead, "Jim" himself, writes, "For
yesterday's Microsoft Paint drawing request I
decided to take a bunch of screen grabs of the
work in progress. This one's of a horrific Wolf
from Gladiators / Nokia 3210 mutant hybrid." A
privilege to see great man at work.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/975831
>> Vomanizer <<
"I met this dude in the middle of nowhere who
claimed to be Britney Spears' biggest fan,"
mutters smearballs. "I made some backing music
for his hot karaoke-style tribute." Imagine
David Lynch directed Slumdog Millionaire.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Womanizer:3
>> Swearing in the playroom <<
"I have kids. I love swearing," admits hwak.
"I started a Tumblr to combine the two." Submit
your own puerile misuse of building blocks and
magnetic letters. As an extra perk, sneakily
show off your posh, new fridge. As adults, we
have to get our kicks where we can.
http://swearingintheplayroom.tumblr.com/
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: BONUS IMAGE CHALLENGE: THATCHER
Remember her this way
You lot were photoshopping the Princess of Our
Hearts anyway, so we thought we'd round them up
for a quick challenge. *dabs tears and sings
Candle in the Wind*
http://b3ta.com/challenge/thatcherrip/popular/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Surprise!
Last week we wanted stories of surprises both
good and bad. We mostly got bad. No surprise
there:
http://b3ta.com/questions/surprise/
* PREGNANT - "I was out with my girlfriend at a
very nice Thai restaurant. We're sitting there,
ploughing through the wine, everything's going
fine, apart from I just can NOT stop hiccupping.
It's really distracting, and starting to wear
very thin indeed. We're trying to make light of
the fact I've sounded like a broken record for
20 minutes when the waitress comes over, 'Sir.
Your wife's outside. She told me to tell you
that she's pregnant.' I looked at the waitress.
I looked at my girlfriend. I looked again at the
waitress, growing ever more mortified. I looked
at my girlfriend, with a 'I SERIOUSLY have no
idea what's going on here' look on my face. I'm
just about to say something when the waitress
gets in before me: 'There you go. No more
hiccups!', smiles and walks off."
(SigourneysBeaver)
* SHIT - "When my youngest was a baby, I thought
I would play a trick on his brother. One clean
nappy with some Nutella smeared on it in hand, I
walked into the front room asking my wife what
the baby had had for lunch. She pretended not to
remember. So, sticking a finger in and having a
taste, I was _about_ to declare the result when
my older son retched and puked so violently it
now reminds me of the WI woman on Little
Britain... it was loud and continuous. We were
expecting an 'Ew dad, that's gross,' not
something resembling the Exorcist." (the_icks)
* DOG - "My last shared house, one of the girls
was a bit of a party chick and one Saturday
night, she's all dolled up to go to a posh 21st
party. Some bloke called Andrew. As she told us
many times while troweling on makeup, it was a
select affair, rich family, invite-only, only
old private school chums allowed. She catches a
taxi, all excited at the prospect of rubbing
shoulders, and other bits, with some of
Brisbane's most eligible bachelors. Within a
couple of hours though, she's returned home in
a rather subdued mood. We were a little
surprised to see her home so soon, and Jeremy
asked her 'So, was it a good party, Fi? You're
home early... alone... and sober. Everything
alright?' Fi looked a bit distant,
shell-shocked. 'Not really. Everyone pretty
much left straight after Andrew got completely
blind and thought it would be a hilarious party
trick to jerk off the family dog.'" (Ken Oath)
>> This Week - FUNERALS II <<
Did you know it's over 7 years since we last
asked about funerals? Can't quite put our
collective fingers on why the topic came up.
Tell us your funeral stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/funerals2/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ed Balls <<
On the 28th of April 2011, Ed Balls mistakenly
tweeted his own name. This has now been
retweeted over 10,000 times. We hear him saying
it like the sausage ad dog growls "Walls".
Latest tribute? A bookmarklet that makes
everything on the internet into Ed Balls.
http://casiotone.org/edballs/
>> Racist 'Human Zoos' of colonial past <<
In the past colonies were run in such an openly
racist style that a few of the natives were
always shipped over to Europe, to live in zoos
and be poked at by the public. Extraordinary
and maybe would still exist now, if mass
spectacle hadn't been transformed into mass
media. Cameras save the effort of actually
having to transport people.
http://bit.ly/J8ML4v
>> 15 popular movie poster cliches <<
You know movies are the all same: 1. Setup,
2. It goes wrong, 3. It resolves. Well, all
movie posters are the same too. Apparently
someone had a new idea in 1979, but they were
fired for threatening the status quo.
http://bit.ly/12QvEQO
>> Crying boy tumblr <<
This guy takes a picture of his son every time
he cries - the captions are of whatever upset
him. Funny but also, you know, comfort your
child rather than turning them into content for
your viral web dreams.
http://reasonsmysoniscrying.tumblr.com/
>> Recycled movie costumes <<
Amazingly, clothes get reused from movie to movie
and it makes us realise the connection between
costume drama and sci-fi - they're the same
bloody things but marketed to slightly different
demographics.
http://recycledmoviecostumes.tumblr.com/
>> Javascript dubstep <<
If you ever wanted to code your own dubstep then
view source and see how. Although we haven't
actually checked the code and they could be
shitting us by just including an MP3 and
pretending, like we'd probably do.
http://t.co/i7khklklpM
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Delay your inevitable suicide with weak web lols
>> How to do gymnastics <<
Get "Gymnasty" with helpful hints from this
magnificent specimen. The guy is an amazing
physical comedian. Or a horribly incompetent
one - we suppose that's hard to tell without
access to medical records.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_do_gymnastics
>> Guile Theme acapella <<
Street Fighter II's most iconic theme (and we
regret being big enough nerds to know *that*
tidbit) is tackled by the beautifully
mellifluous video-game-singing phenomenon we
refer to as the Friendly Rasputin Male Voice
Choir.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/979386
>> How animals eat their food <<
Ridiculous. Funny. Informative. The whole
internet should be like this. Just like this and
nothing else. It's the ridiculous commitment to
the comic idea that makes this so joyous.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_animals_eat_their_fo...
>> Nah, you're all right <<
Disturbing parody of the current, horribly
manipulative McDonalds ad. We haven't seen the
ad but it still works on its own merit.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nah_youre_all_right
>> StreetView hyperlapses <<
Rather than a medical condition where you, say,
shit out your vocal chords, a "hyperlapse" is
stop-motion animation made from still photos.
These clever monkeys have written software that
stitches such wonders together from Google
StreetView pics. We tried to get the 'make your
own' bit to create a wondrous vista of
Finchfield to Wolverhampton. Sadly, all we got
was static wasteland.
http://vimeo.com/63653873
>> Computer masters NES <<
Software that learns how to play old Nintendo
games and will then play them in an
aesthetically-pleasing way. What will we do with
the extra time, now that we've been freed from
this drudgery?
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~tom7/mario/
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: BAFFLING EMAILS
Cjwaugh writes, "More lyrics: that's me in the
corner, That's me in the spotlight, Moving like
a pigeon."
Thanks chap.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Pop Letters Challenge
Last week we wanted you to change a letter in a
band name to produce something new. Turned out
well, actually.
Your favourites included - and we're not going
to write them up to pre-empt the joke.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/pop-letters/
* ROLLING STONES - Mick Jagger actually once
made a horrible Thatcherite single in the 80s
called Let's Work, which basically attributed
poverty to laziness. (Dr.Dunno)
http://b3ta.com/board/10947613
* LIONEL RICHIE - Dancing on the Ceiling wasn't
about taking cocaine as often suggested but
Lionel's conviction that he was a spider.
http://b3ta.com/board/10948239
* THE WHO - they hoped they'd die before they
got old and two of them did. Result. BTW: The
opening line of My Generation "people try to put
us down" is much better if a cat sings it.
http://b3ta.com/board/10947555
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/pop-letters/
>> New challenge: Pets with Superpowers <<
From cats with x-ray vision to bunnies
manipulating time, via echolocating guinea pigs,
this week's challenge is to portray pets. Pets
with powers. Challenge suggested by mictoboy.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/super-powered-pets/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* BLAIR'S FUNERAL - the fallout from the
Thatcher one has provided our best-ever week of
entertainment on this planet ever. Please can we
have Tony next?
* SOME FRIDGE MAGNETS - er.. we just need some.
* THATCHER'S FUNERAL TO NEVER STOP - don't
misunderstand us, it's not the gloating,
but the genuine Establishment wobbles in
trying to control public opinion are
amazing to watch.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Friends: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by fucksocks,
@SamCarelse,‏@celesteasaurus5h, Matt Round,
robneymcplum, pixel_fucker, Herb Alpert's Taxi
Driver, @Foo_Cough, @YPLAC. Image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Amazon
shite via Iain Brassington / ‏@Dr_Enzyme.
Subjlols via A Vagabond
@ http://www.b3ta.com/board/10951753
Why is Thatcher a Marmite politician? Coz they
both smell worse when you take the lid off. BOOM
BOOM JUST MADE IT UP HATE US DAILYMAIL.
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TOP TIP:
Save time having to clean your toilet regularly.
Piss in the sink and leave the tap on.
