we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* JEREMY KYLE - vs. Cassetteboy
* ED BALLS - Everywhere, on everything
* THATCHER - Your loving photoshop tributes

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Hoping to score a line
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  of Thatcher's ashes 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   at the aftershow"

B3ta email 576  - 12 April 2013

Read this issue through the tears of your grief:

   Funeral :  [email protected]
   Fun-eral : [email protected]

: AMAZON TAT - sponsored link
  The most expensive book on Amazon

  Costing a positively cheap
  £8,294,257,332,857.25, "Beyond dieting" features
  some fab reviews including, "Having spent my
  entire countries GDP to purchase it I have no
  money left for government. The infrastructure of
  my nation is in pieces and my people are
  starving in the streets. I feel shame and guilt
  at what I have wrought and I have created
  deprivation everywhere. All because of this
  cursed book."

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Jeremy Kyle, Jokes, Jim, Britney and Swears

  >> Cassetteboy reviews Jeremy Kyle <<
  "It's Friday again, so there's a new Review,"
  writes Cassetteboy. "People sometimes ask us
  about the process of making these videos, so
  here's some stats for you:

  "We watched 8 episodes, which is about 6 and a
  half hours worth. From that, we collected about
  40 minutes of samples that seemed like they
  might be useful.

  "After that, we endlessly watched the 40
  minutes, keeping the best bits, rearranging
  them, until we ended up with the funniest 2 and
  a half minutes.

  "And after that, we really, really hated Jeremy
  Kyle. What a monster."

  Last week's Masterchef one has a lovely payoff:

  >> Top Ten Bad Jokes <<
  "Here are bad jokes," intones Eddache. "Ten of
  them." Number 6 is our favourite, inasmuch as,
  you know, any of them are jokes.

  >> Jim'll Paint It: Wolf/Nokia <<
  Mr. Eraserhead, "Jim" himself, writes, "For
  yesterday's Microsoft Paint drawing request I
  decided to take a bunch of screen grabs of the
  work in progress. This one's of a horrific Wolf
  from Gladiators / Nokia 3210 mutant hybrid." A
  privilege to see great man at work.

  >> Vomanizer <<
  "I met this dude in the middle of nowhere who
  claimed to be Britney Spears' biggest fan,"
  mutters smearballs. "I made some backing music
  for his hot karaoke-style tribute." Imagine
  David Lynch directed Slumdog Millionaire.

  >> Swearing in the playroom <<
  "I have kids. I love swearing," admits hwak. 
  "I started a Tumblr to combine the two." Submit
  your own puerile misuse of building blocks and
  magnetic letters. As an extra perk, sneakily
  show off your posh, new fridge. As adults, we
  have to get our kicks where we can.


  Remember her this way

  You lot were photoshopping the Princess of Our
  Hearts anyway, so we thought we'd round them up
  for a quick challenge. *dabs tears and sings
  Candle in the Wind*


  Last week we wanted stories of surprises both
  good and bad. We mostly got bad. No surprise

  * PREGNANT - "I was out with my girlfriend at a
  very nice Thai restaurant. We're sitting there,
  ploughing through the wine, everything's going
  fine, apart from I just can NOT stop hiccupping.
  It's really distracting, and starting to wear
  very thin indeed. We're trying to make light of
  the fact I've sounded like a broken record for
  20 minutes when the waitress comes over, 'Sir.
  Your wife's outside. She told me to tell you
  that she's pregnant.' I looked at the waitress.
  I looked at my girlfriend. I looked again at the
  waitress, growing ever more mortified. I looked
  at my girlfriend, with a 'I SERIOUSLY have no
  idea what's going on here' look on my face. I'm
  just about to say something when the waitress
  gets in before me: 'There you go. No more
  hiccups!', smiles and walks off."
  * SHIT - "When my youngest was a baby, I thought
  I would play a trick on his brother. One clean
  nappy with some Nutella smeared on it in hand, I
  walked into the front room asking my wife what
  the baby had had for lunch. She pretended not to
  remember. So, sticking a finger in and having a
  taste, I was _about_ to declare the result when
  my older son retched and puked so violently it
  now reminds me of the WI woman on Little
  Britain... it was loud and continuous. We were
  expecting an 'Ew dad, that's gross,' not
  something resembling the Exorcist." (the_icks)
  * DOG - "My last shared house, one of the girls
  was a bit of a party chick and one Saturday
  night, she's all dolled up to go to a posh 21st
  party. Some bloke called Andrew. As she told us
  many times while troweling on makeup, it was a
  select affair, rich family, invite-only, only
  old private school chums allowed. She catches a
  taxi, all excited at the prospect of rubbing
  shoulders, and other bits, with some of
  Brisbane's most eligible bachelors. Within a
  couple of hours though, she's returned home in
  a rather subdued mood. We were a little
  surprised to see her home so soon, and Jeremy
  asked her 'So, was it a good party, Fi? You're
  home early... alone... and sober. Everything
  alright?' Fi looked a bit distant,
  shell-shocked. 'Not really. Everyone pretty
  much left straight after Andrew got completely
  blind and thought it would be a hilarious party
  trick to jerk off the family dog.'" (Ken Oath)

  >> This Week - FUNERALS II <<
  Did you know it's over 7 years since we last
  asked about funerals? Can't quite put our
  collective fingers on why the topic came up.
  Tell us your funeral stories:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Ed Balls <<
  On the 28th of April 2011, Ed Balls mistakenly
  tweeted his own name. This has now been
  retweeted over 10,000 times. We hear him saying
  it like the sausage ad dog growls "Walls".
  Latest tribute? A bookmarklet that makes
  everything on the internet into Ed Balls.

  >> Racist 'Human Zoos' of colonial past <<
  In the past colonies were run in such an openly
  racist style that a few of the natives were
  always shipped over to Europe, to live in zoos
  and be poked at by the public. Extraordinary
  and maybe would still exist now, if mass
  spectacle hadn't been transformed into mass
  media. Cameras save the effort of actually
  having to transport people.

  >> 15 popular movie poster cliches <<
  You know movies are the all same: 1. Setup,
  2. It goes wrong, 3. It resolves. Well, all
  movie posters are the same too. Apparently
  someone had a new idea in 1979, but they were
  fired for threatening the status quo.

  >> Crying boy tumblr <<
  This guy takes a picture of his son every time
  he cries - the captions are of whatever upset
  him. Funny but also, you know, comfort your
  child rather than turning them into content for
  your viral web dreams.

  >> Recycled movie costumes <<
  Amazingly, clothes get reused from movie to movie
  and it makes us realise the connection between
  costume drama and sci-fi - they're the same
  bloody things but marketed to slightly different

   >> Javascript dubstep <<
  If you ever wanted to code your own dubstep then
  view source and see how. Although we haven't
  actually checked the code and they could be
  shitting us by just including an MP3 and
  pretending, like we'd probably do.


  Delay your inevitable suicide with weak web lols

  >> How to do gymnastics <<
  Get "Gymnasty" with helpful hints from this
  magnificent specimen. The guy is an amazing
  physical comedian. Or a horribly incompetent
  one - we suppose that's hard to tell without
  access to medical records.

  >> Guile Theme acapella <<
  Street Fighter II's most iconic theme (and we
  regret being big enough nerds to know *that*
  tidbit) is tackled by the beautifully
  mellifluous video-game-singing phenomenon we
  refer to as the Friendly Rasputin Male Voice

  >> How animals eat their food <<
  Ridiculous. Funny. Informative. The whole
  internet should be like this. Just like this and
  nothing else. It's the ridiculous commitment to
  the comic idea that makes this so joyous.

  >> Nah, you're all right <<
  Disturbing parody of the current, horribly
  manipulative McDonalds ad. We haven't seen the
  ad but it still works on its own merit.

  >> StreetView hyperlapses <<
  Rather than a medical condition where you, say,
  shit out your vocal chords, a "hyperlapse" is
  stop-motion animation made from still photos.
  These clever monkeys have written software that
  stitches such wonders together from Google
  StreetView pics. We tried to get the 'make your
  own' bit to create a wondrous vista of
  Finchfield to Wolverhampton. Sadly, all we got
  was static wasteland.

  >> Computer masters NES <<
  Software that learns how to play old Nintendo
  games and will then play them in an
  aesthetically-pleasing way. What will we do with
  the extra time, now that we've been freed from
  this drudgery?



  Cjwaugh writes, "More lyrics: that's me in the
  corner, That's me in the spotlight, Moving like
  a pigeon."

  Thanks chap.


  Results from the Pop Letters Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to change a letter in a
  band name to produce something new. Turned out
  well, actually.

  Your favourites included - and we're not going
  to write them up to pre-empt the joke.

  * ROLLING STONES - Mick Jagger actually once
  made a horrible Thatcherite single in the 80s
  called Let's Work, which basically attributed
  poverty to laziness. (Dr.Dunno)
  * LIONEL RICHIE - Dancing on the Ceiling wasn't
  about taking cocaine as often suggested but
  Lionel's conviction that he was a spider.

  * THE WHO - they hoped they'd die before they
  got old and two of them did. Result. BTW: The
  opening line of My Generation "people try to put
  us down" is much better if a cat sings it.

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Pets with Superpowers <<
  From cats with x-ray vision to bunnies
  manipulating time, via echolocating guinea pigs,
  this week's challenge is to portray pets. Pets
  with powers. Challenge suggested by mictoboy.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * BLAIR'S FUNERAL - the fallout from the
    Thatcher one has provided our best-ever week of
    entertainment on this planet ever. Please can we
    have Tony next? 
  * SOME FRIDGE MAGNETS - er.. we just need some.
    misunderstand us, it's not the gloating,
    but the genuine Establishment wobbles in
    trying to control public opinion are
    amazing to watch.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


    Friends:  [email protected]
    Bastards:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by fucksocks,
  @SamCarelse,&#8207;@celesteasaurus5h, Matt Round,
  robneymcplum, pixel_fucker, Herb Alpert's Taxi
  Driver, @Foo_Cough, @YPLAC. Image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Amazon
  shite via Iain Brassington / &#8207;@Dr_Enzyme.
  Subjlols via A Vagabond 
  @ http://www.b3ta.com/board/10951753

  Why is Thatcher a Marmite politician? Coz they
  both smell worse when you take the lid off. BOOM


  Save time having to clean your toilet regularly.
  Piss in the sink and leave the tap on.

next issue »
« previous issue