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NEWSLETTER: "SAUSAGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT"

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This Week:
* EXORCISM - Katie Hopkins
* GAME - Jaws, the text adventure
* VID - Airline safety lols

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving up our     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   pennies to buy a 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    rain machine"

B3ta email 599 - 20th Sept 2013

Read this issue in a different window:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue599

   Lovers :  [email protected]
 Shovers : [email protected]
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> National Airlines safety video <<
  "If you have to fly with any airline, make sure
  it's National Airlines," advises ratbanjos. A
  cheesy inflight safety video with new
  voiceover, this is wonderfully wrong.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/National_Airlines


  >> 'Over the cliffs' <<
  "I made this video here in Shetland, with a
  waterproof camera and a big stick," boasts
  RompaStompa. All we can say is that it must
  have been a particularly big stick, as the
  camera soars contemplatively high above the
  rugged Scottish landscape.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Over_the_cliffs


  >> Sherlock Holmes: Pipe Battle <<
  "Hope you like it," opines feelwelcome of this
  peculiar Sherlock Holmes pipe-smoking remix.
  Just odd.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1069630


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: USVSTH3M
  B3ta-affiliated project that sucks our time

  * 19 WAYS TO MAKE AN ILLUSTRATOR GRIND THEIR
  TEETH TO BLOODY STUMPS - think being an
  illustrator is all drawing awesome unicorns and
  people telling you you're great? Think again,
  for it is a job that destroys teeth. TEETH WE
  TELL YOU.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/61672228017/19-ways


  * JAWS: THE TEXT ADVENTURE - how bitey are you?
  C'mon! You get to play the SHARK! Who doesn't
  want to be a shark?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/jaws/


  * CAN YOU SPOT THE NORTHAMPTON CLOWN? -
  Northampton is currently being haunted by a
  sinister clown. Dare you play our latest game
  and track him down?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/northampton-clown/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Break-up Stories

  We wanted the gory details of your relationship
  failures. And you gave them to us. Go read
  pineapplecharm's story of love, loss and DIY:
http://b3ta.com/questions/breakingup/


  * MATCHED - "In the smoldering ashes of a
  marriage breakup I decided to get back out there
  and meet someone new. So, like many, I gave
  online dating a try. There wasn't a great deal
  of choice back then and match dot com was by far
  the biggest, so I dutifully filled their profile
  pages, uploaded pictures and submitted payment.
  I almost held my breath with excitement as I
  clicked the button to find my matches... The
  first match back was 100%: could there really be
  my perfect partner out there living in the same
  small town as me!? No, that genius website had
  decided my perfect match was my ex-wife. Looking
  further I decided I probably wasn't ready to get
  back on the dating scene after all. And they
  don't do refunds." (golddust)


  * ARSED - "You get into a relationship, you're
  well matched, you share interests and the sex is
  *fantastic*. So much so, that you move in and
  talk about making it all permanent. She asks me
  to fix her computer, as it was running like it
  was submerged in treacle. Halfway through I
  accidentally dropped a file into the recycling
  bin. Clicked through and I found loads of
  pictures of my beloved getting royally porked at
  various angles by some bloke. I then found that
  a) the pictures were only dated the previous
  week and b) all my stuff could clearly be seen
  on the bedside cabinet. Well fuck that shit. I
  could live with being cheated on. What really
  got me that there was clearly a third person
  holding the camera, and the arse pummeling up
  and down sometimes had a tattoo, sometimes it
  didn't. I closed the lid on her laptop, moved
  out that day, haven't spoken since." (Freddie
  Woo)


  * DYED - "Not me, but my friend. She had been
  dating this guy for about a year and was utterly
  smitten. One night he took her out for dinner as
  he had something to talk about. Was he going to
  ask her to move in with him? No. Said it wasn't
  her, it was him. He just needed to try something
  new. Something different. "Like what?" she
  sobbed, "Are you gay? Are you going travelling?"
  No, he just thought it was time he was with
  someone more... BLONDE. And as she stared at him
  in disbelief, he went on, "Please don't mis-
  understand me. The very last thing I'm saying is
  that you should go off and dye your hair."
  (rachelswipe)
 

  >> This Week - TWAT FRIENDS <<
  You know the one, the mate who is guaranteed to
  ruin every social situation by being an
  embarrassment/sexist/racist/bellend etc. Tell us
  all about them, and remember if you don't have
  one, it's you:
http://b3ta.com/questions/twatfriends/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Android Kit-kat comic <<
  Kids are scared of the silliest stu… Oh, wait,
  that is terrifying.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nestle_free_week


  >> OmNomNomify the web <<
  It's hard to convey just how much joy you can
  get from replacing every picture on the web
  with animated GIFs of the Cookie Monster
  dancing. War, disaster, fashion, celebrity -
  all infinitely improved. 
http://omnomnomify.com/


  >> The difficult life of the BBC newsreader <<
  Newsreader pronounces a 35-letter Hawaiian
  surname not once, but TWICE, in a 29-second
  broadcast. We kind of want this to be video to
  see him punch the air when gets through.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01h0lgf


  >> Has Johnny Cash really "been everywhere"? <<
  Johnny Cash makes a bold claim in "I've Been
  Everywhere" - this guy puts it to the test, by
  mapping the song's locations.
http://johnnycashhasbeeneverywhere.com/


  >> Pixar's 22 Rules of Storytelling <<
  Ex-Pixar artist lays out the company's 22 rules
  of compelling storytelling. A great way to
  indulge your occasional fantasies about writing
  that great novel or screenplay.
http://imgur.com/a/fPLnM


  >> World's worst estate agent photography <<
  Collection of absolutely brain-molesting house
  detail photography - some from people who tried
  too hard, but most who just couldn't give a
  fuck. 
http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.tumblr.com/


  >> Pinterest board of all Steve Ballmer's jumpers <<
  Why does this exist? We can only guess.
  Guess... and shudder in dread.
http://bit.ly/181Bvox


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: HELP WANTED
  The Sunday Assembly

  Long-time B3tan Sanderson Jones writes: 

  "The Sunday Assembly is the atheist church that
  is going global. We're making a crowdfunding
  video, and looking for an animator to do a
  little bit. Anyone want to help email or
  Twitter us? Thanks!
https://twitter.com/SundayAssembly


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a lol but smaller

  >> Updated version of 'Right Said Fred' <<
  Cockney classic updated for these modern times.
  This guy's delivery is absolutely spot on.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1067085/


  >> Ginger cat vs Paper Army <<
  Little paper guys mob up to tackle their
  nemesis - a ginger cat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ginger_cat


  >> The Exorcism Of Katie Hopkins <<
  Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby attempt
  to drive the evil from professional "social
  commentator" Hopkins. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1068178/


  >> Why stock video footage doesn't have sound <<
  Getty vids, dubbed with alarming, new
  soundtracks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Getty_Dubs


  >> How to ride a wrecking ball like Miley Cyrus <<
  For "Miley" read "fleshy, uncooked chicken".
  Sort of funny, veering towards actually
  upsetting. Yeesh. What an emotional
  rollercoaster.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1067779


  >> Pub-style bets you will always win <<
  10 Bets You'll Always Win is a video series
  explaining clever wagers you can make with your
  chums, in the almost surefire knowledge that
  they'll fail.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sph7VkZsryc


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Alien Invasion Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to picture life
  after the forthcoming alien invasion

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BREAKFAST: homely gathering spoilt by
  bursting life-form facial (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11010067
 
  * TALENT: X-Factor panel invaded to ensure 
  other-worldly winner (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11011081
  
  * REALITY: further X-Factor frights, as
  personal journey climaxes (Joe Scaramanga) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11009444
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alien-invasion/


  >> New challenge: Misheard Lyrics II <<
  Mishearing lyrics for the LOLs is one of 
  the cornerstones upon which B3ta was 
  built, yet we haven't done it as a 
  challenge since 2004. Time to put that 
  right. Suggested by PedroHin and Shallowz.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misheard-lyrics/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TAN IN THE DAILY MAIL - For eating cat
  food. "I've made the femail section of the
  DailyMail!" exclaims colmcq2. "I don't know
  whether to laugh or cry!"
http://dailym.ai/19WRMfO

  * NEW LITTLE KUNT ALBUM - There's a new Kunt &
  the Gang album, recorded by his high pitched
  alterego - and this is the download URL. We
  originally linked to his web page, but got
  weirded out by the pictures of Pat Butcher's
  vagina.
http://bit.ly/17OMfYB

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * STICKERS with "No, your a dick" on them. To
   annoy dicks. And pedants.
  
  * MAKEUP in one flexible sheet, so you can just
  lay it on your face and save loads of time
  before going out.

  * AN EXTRA DAY per week, just to spend in
  hibernation.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Hey you:  [email protected]
    Wankers:  [email protected]

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MaxineBasset,
  Enzyme, mictoboy, The Scrunt, Fluffster, Herb
  Alpert's Taxi Driver and robneymcplum.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
  Subjlols via 
  Top tips via robneymcplum.

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  TOP TIP:
  A cocktail stick, the end sanded-down and
  coated with phosphorus sesquisulfide & gelatine
  as the binder, makes an ideal emergency match
  if you don't fancy walking to the shop.

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