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This Week:
* MYSTERIES - of the Deep
* KIDS - are you down with them?
* HITLER Vs Taylor Swift

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |     "Why, lover     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |         why? Why do
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|           flowers die?"

B3ta email 598  - 13 Sep 2013

Escape the Hounds of Tindalos at: 

  Format :  [email protected]
   One-off : [email protected]

  The Banana Bunker

  "Those ridges are trouble. I left my wife alone
  in a room with my banana and Banana Bunker, and
  apparently came back in just in time to save
  her from choking." It's a stupid,
  phallic-looking banana-holder. It will have
  good reviews. 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


Death, Deeps, Martin, Fairies and Fiddy

  >> Don't Fear Death (with Rik Mayall) <<
  There's no need to be afraid of death. "Don't
  Fear Death, our follow-up to Man in a Cat, is
  now online in full," writes ravonski. "It's 3
  minutes long, it's animated and it's voiced by
  Rik Mayall."

  >> Mysteries of The Deep 2 <<
  "Where there is water, there is mystery,"
  begins Pig Face Turnip. "My attempt to solve a
  mystery in the basement of a B & Q."

  >> George R. R. Martin's Vivid Imagination <<
  "George RR Martin reveals how he comes up with
  ideas for his favourite character," alleges

  >> Starbucks stirrers = steampunk fairies <<
  "Here's a little something I do to pass the
  time," writes Hepathon.

  >> 50 cent 50 cent <<
  Here's a portrait of 50 Cent. "Using 50 cent
  coins and a tube of no more nails," boasts


You know, another b3ta-affiliated website  

  * Are You Down With the Kids? - Know your swag
  from your YOLO? Play our quiz and we ll rate
  you against everyone else your age.

  * Scot or Not? - Scotland is a beautiful place,
  but can you tell if these StreetView locations
  are  Scot or not?

  * The One Word Wordsearch - Can you find a
  single word, hidden in a mass of nonsense? Then
  our One Word Wordsearch is for you!


  Lurid Work Stories

  Last week we wanted the horror stories that new
  employees get told to make them feel really
  welcome to the team. A lot of them involve
  unflushable turds:

  * NAN - "When my Dad was a young copper he was
  based in a fairly rural police station. On one
  of his first mornings there he took a call from
  a local man whose elderly mother had died in
  the night. He found the farmhouse and the door
  was answered by a grieving lady, eyes red with
  sadness. 'Oh officer, thank you for coming.
  I'll make you a cup of tea. Everyone's just
  through there.' My dad stepped into a room full
  of mourning family members. He removed his hat
  and said sorry for your loss and all that,
  taking an empty seat on the sofa. He started
  making gentle enquiries of the family   was it
  expected, are you all ok, that kind of thing.
  They were being a bit cagey and awkward, and my
  dad was beginning to get a little confused at
  how the situation wasn't progressing. Finally
  he just came out and said, 'So, could you let
  me know where the body is?' Everyone blinked
  nervously. 'But officer,' said a young woman,
  pointing. 'She's right there.' The 'devastated
  relative' my dad had squeezed in next to on the
  sofa was actually the stiffening corpse of
  Grandma." (Wet-chinned bag shanker)

  * BANG - "I worked at British Steel Stainless
  in the 80's (yes I'm that old!) and our melting
  shop was called SMACC (stainless melting and
  continuous casting). The basic melt is made in
  a mahoosive cupola that held in the region of
  80 tonnes of scrap metal,  melted by an equally
  mahoosive electric arc and it gets very hot,
  very quickly. It was winter and the scrap was
  kept outside. Part of said scrap was a fridge
  with the door open that had filled up with
  snow. It was soon discovered that if you place
  a fridge (with the door now shut), filled with
  snow, and heat it with a fucking great spark of
  electricity, it will fly sideways through the
  wall of the cupola and straight through the
  Shift Manager's office. Poor bugger was sitting
  there having a cup of tea when it came through
  one wall and out the other. I think he lost the
  gift of speech for a while." (Blackdogmanguitar)

  * THUD - "My first real job after school was as
  an apprentice in a steel factory in South
  Africa. The story I was told was about a worker
  who committed suicide by jumping, from a
  significant height, into an open pot of molten
  steel. One counter-intuitive point to note is
  that molten steel is still steel, nearly 7x as
  dense as water: the result being that (even at
  high impact velocity) packages of meat and
  water don't go 'splash', or even 'splot', they
  just go 'thud' and float on top. I don't
  believe anyone stopped to check whether he
  survived the actual fall given that he was soon
  melting / burning / disintegrating at
  temperatures exceeding 1500C. The worst part?
  That whole vat of steel was contaminated and
  had to be recycled, costing thousands of Rand."

  >> This Week - BREAK-UP STORIES <<
  How has your BFF screwed you? Tell us through
  the tears:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> A collection of Stasi photos <<
  Fascinating compilation of photos from the
  archives of the East German Secret Police. The
  disguise ones are particularly OL-worthy.

  >> The NSA <<
  The NSA is doggedly determined to hound you for
  your secret information. They barely paws in
  their efforts to collar terrorists. Etc etc.

  >> Amazing, nostalgic pixel art <<
  French artist Noirlac scours old arcade games
  for beautiful examples of pixel art. We link to
  the 'sourced' version rather than original
  because, well, that's more interesting. 

  >> The Japanese street where the Pigeon-people dwell <<
  Street in Japan where people lay in wait to
  creep out the Google StreetView car.

  >> Taylor Swift Vs Hitler <<
  It started with people sticking Hitler quotes
  on pictures of Ms Swift and attributing them to
  her. But we're possibly slightly fonder of the
  counterpart that has the Fuhrer musing about
  cowboy boots and songwriting.



  >> Drunken louts go around town repairing things <<
  CCTV shows public-spirited revellers fixing a
  bike rack, after a night on the town.

  >> What does the fox say? <<
  Furry-themed music video that attempts to
  describe the awful noise that foxes make.

  >> It's not Porn <<
  Young actors describe to their shocked friends
  and family the exciting new gig they landed.
  But don't worry, it's not in porn...

  >> Serious Monty Python Holy Grail Trailer <<
  The Python classic gets a modern makeover as a
  serious fantasy film. Includes the Inception
  BWAAAARK that's blighted every trailer for the
  last eight years.

  >> Miley Cyrus video, but with Nic Cage <<
  Somehow inevitable - Miley Cyrus's Wrecking
  Ball, but with the singing starlet seamlessly
  replaced with Nicolas Cage.

  >> Captain Kirk watches Miley Cyrus <<
  The Enterprise crew is forced to relive her
  strange, twerky VMA performance. This is
  probably our favourite of these reaction vids,
  as we know the Trek crew well enough to be
  entertained by their reactions. Sniff - it's
  like watching with your family.


  German gym ad in Berlin <<
  We don't know what's going on here, but it
  looks like more sexy fun than should be allowed
  in a gym.


  Results from the Three Picture Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create bandwagons so
  others could climb aboard.

  Your favourites included:
  * RACE: doddery consort proffers fruit to
  dark-skinned company (Fresh Water Mole)
  * FALL: famed bar-fail film transplant for Touch
  of Frost thespian (monkeon)
  * RAVE: pill-popping moves suggested by budget
  weatherman lavatory (bigwasteofspace)
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: After the Alien Invasion <<
  This week's challenge is to show us how life has
  changed 20 years after the hostile takeover by
  Big Bad Aliens Plc. Because it's going to
  happen. Challenge suggested by Colonel Boris.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A SATNAV with the voice of Brian Sewell.
  * A SATNAV that gives you positive feedback.
  It's a bit much, spending three hours having
  orders barked at you by a little, plastic box.
  * BRIAN SEWELL to sit in our car and be our
  friend on long journeys.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


    Oui:  [email protected]
    Wee:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tusk,
  My Front Fell Off, Mudface, disconnected,
  Testricals, Jorvic, sinisterduck.  
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via cowcat.

  Convince your workmates you have a massive
  cocaine habit, by going to the toilet every 15
  minutes to place some 'coffeemate' on your
  nose, going back to your desk and smashing your
  keyboard, calling everyone in your office "a
  bunch of fucking cunts" before punching a
  partition wall and storming out of the building.

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