NEWSLETTER: "JOLLY GREEN GIANT WINS NOBEL PEAS PRIZE"
This week:
* ANIM - dog in a parked car
* BOIK - willy-beakers
* ART - with sausages
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Classic
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Digital
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Fraud"
B3ta email 602 - 11 Oct 2013
Look - this newsletter is internet famous"
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue602
Yes : [email protected]
Maybe : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Pink Ouija Board
Seasonal, but subtly gendered. As ever, worth
a look for the reviews.
http://amzn.to/1afGy4j
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Dogs, Pixels and Unicorns
>> Carpark dog-teasing goes wrong <<
"A shopping trip goes very wrong," writes
animator Smartie123, "When a man finds that
he parked his car next to a very teasable dog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Pixelly superpowers <<
"Meet the kids of Planet Nine," greets
andymartin. "And their pixellated superpowers."
http://www.vimeo.com/75844254
>> Unicorn flu remedy <<
Psychedelic cautionary tale about always
following the instructions on packaging.
Thanks for the nightmares, nicenight4evening.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Manicorn
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: USVSTH3M
Some of the best stuff from our other site
>> Super Tory Boy <<
Imagine Mario was born into a life of privilege
and joined Britain's ruling classes. Grab the
cash, slash wasteful public service and bash
the scrounging poor.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/super-tory-boy/
>> Owen Paterson's Badger Penalty Shootout <<
Poor Owen can't get anything done, because
badgers keep moving his goalposts - he needs
your help!
http://bit.ly/1hC814j
>> 16 horrible pub customers <<
People who the bar staff should legally be
allowed to stab in the kidneys.
http://www.usvsth3m.com/post/63087392700/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Love/hate Britain
We wanted to know what you felt about this
newsletter's homeland. Go read Ladyfingers
explaining why they are a "Salty Cock":
http://b3ta.com/questions/lovehatebritain/
* RACISM - "My old boss had political views that
would have got him kicked out of UKIP. To
him, the idea that the Foreigns should be sent
back to Bongo Bongo Land wasn't extreme
enough. After they'd been repatriated,
Bongo Bongo Land should then be nuked to
prevent them getting out again.
"One day he was getting drunk at the bat and
started to hold court. He lived in a sleepy,
Sussex village and recently a family had moved
into the area who were of teh dark-skinned
persuasion. this was not on. There were places
for blacks to live, and they were cities. It
was a fucking disgrace, why should he have to
put up with living within a mile of these
people. 'My grandad didn't fight in the war so
I'd have to live next door to a load of
blacks. He fought for white, Anglo Saxon
Protestants and he'd be spinning in his grave
right now.'
"Suddenly, an old man at the bar piped up,
'My dad fought in the war and he would have
punched you straight in the face. He was a
Scottish Catholic and fought to stop fascists
like you!' He necked his drink and walked past
the now-spluttering racist without glancing in
his direction, with the immortal words, 'You
cock!'"
(monkeyboyalpha)
* RIOTING - "Now, I'm not one much given to jingoism,
but there have been rare occasions when I feel
proud to be British. Mostly these reasons are
tea-related, but one national event sticks out
in my mind. Obviously I'm not talking about
the Olympics here but the rioting that
happened just prior. Watching the news, I saw
gangs of yoof hurling bricks, bottles and the
odd Molotov at police. The police
themselves were fighting back with baton
charges and tear-gas.
"I was awestruck. I was watching London, our
nation's capital burn, and yet, in the midst
of all this carnage and anarchy the rioters
had managed to break open the shutters of an
electronics store and, as the missiles flew
and the fires raged around, these rioters
formed an orderly queue to loot it. I honestly
felt like standing up and saluting the telly."
(willenium)
* JINGLING - "I love the fact that being from a
country that spent lots of time wandering around
the globe nicking things and fighting everyone
that our national dance involves waving hankies
and jingling bells.
"I'd very much like to see the England Rugby
team Morris as a response to the Haka next time
we play NZ. It'll shit 'em right up."
(Draconacticus)
>> This week - IRRATIONAL PEOPLE <<
Who drives you up the wall through their utterly
irrational and illogical behaviour? Rant here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/irrationalpeople/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Do you dunk your penis? <<
You've probably already seen this, unless
you've been living under an internet rock this
week. Or don't spend 24/7 glued to your
computer, we guess. Mumsnet discussion about
whether it's normal to keep a special beaker by
the bedside, penises for the cleaning of.
http://bit.ly/1bW15AT
>> How to do silly fonts on Twitter <<
This probably doesn't work on all platforms but
still fun. Why not RT everything the Daily Mail
puts out, but in a faux-Nazi-style font?
http://bit.ly/GP5OHp
>> IKEA product or death metal band? <<
It's not as easy as you might think, to tell
apart Scandinavia's most popular exports.
http://ikeaordeath.com/
>> Human shaming <<
First, there was dog-shaming, then cat-shaming,
now it's human's turn to join the shaming fun.
http://www.sadanduseless.com/2013/10/human-shaming...
>> Higgs Boson explained <<
What with all the Nobel Prize talk this week,
it's good that the New York Times has taken
time out to explain the Higgs Boson to simple
folks like us.
http://nyti.ms/17dfpOE
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Best-viewed at 640x480 on a 13" CRT
>> Russell Brand interviews Westboro Baptist Church <<
A masterclass in how to deal with awful people
without sneering. The awful people in this case
being the terrifyingly homophobic Westboro
church, of course.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Horse slowly tries to eat cameraman <<
This guy is a consummate professional -
maintains his composure, even while an
overly-affectionate equine nibbles on his ear.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Islamic militia shoot down a... ? <<
Short banksy clip that, you know, subverts your
expectations, innit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Slow-motion paint on a speaker <<
Hypnotic, beautiful, a proper pain in the arse
to clean up afterwards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The Liebenfrost effect <<
Extraordinary video, of water hurling itself
around a heated maze, driven only by the
strange physical effect known as Liebenfrost.
http://bit.ly/1hHEQN1
>> Cookie Monster on Newsnight <<
What more is there to say?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sausage Art Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create porky banger
masterpieces - and you did.
Your favourites included:
* LICHTENSTEIN: pop-art icon designs opening
credits for school-day soap (mutated monty)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11016649
* MATISSE: modern art pioneer dresses canvas
with gambolling pork, sage and onion (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11017551
* TARANTINO: in-car sausage explosion filmed by
B-movie maestro (taebgorF)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11016868
All of these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/challenge/sausage-art/
>> New Challenge: Reverse Everything <<
This week's challenge is like all the b3ta
challenges at once: Make the World Backwards.
Like, the audience on stage with the band
watching. Like socialist Tories and Tory
socialists. Like Princess Di papping the
photographers and the Queen begging for loose
change. Like orange lemons and... you get the
idea. Challenge suggested by Memaxx.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/reverse/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
* BUY YOUR PENIS-BEAKERS HERE - "It would be
awesome if you would plug this," writes
enterprising b3tan Gonzo, who has leapt aboard
the penis bandwagon and grabbed it with both
hands. If you want a penis-decorated beaker,
why not buy it here?
http://www.penisbeaker.com
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things that we'd really like to see include:
* A MIRROR THAT REFLECTS YOUR YOUNGER SELF -
unless you used to look shit. Which probably
does cover most people.
* A CASTLE IN THE CLOUDS - it doesn't hurt to
ask, does it?
* A DECENT, CHEAP B&W LASR PRINTER - ours is
on the fritz and this seems like a more
realistic expectation than the castle thingy.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Cuadrilla: [email protected]
Mozilla: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel and
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
@natt and the bad-arse b3ta bears.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Mushroom.
Tip via @peachesanscream.
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: AUSTERITY TOP TIP: Aldi lobster is better than
Waitrose lobster.
