NEWSLETTER: CHLAMYDIA IS A TERRIBLE NAME FOR A BABY
This Week:
* WEDDING - in a box!
* LEGO - your stories
* STAR WARS - blooper reel
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B3ta email 605 - 1 Nov 2013
Read this issue whilst stuffing face with web cake:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue605
Friends : [email protected]
Fuckers : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Pointless banana slicer on Amazon provides
an opportunity for comedy reviews SHOCK.
It's a thing. It cuts bananas up, surely that's
all there is to say?
BEST: "This was great until I came in drunk one
night and got an idea. Do NOT use this on
anything other than a banana. Trust me."
WORST: "This has got to be the most pointless
kitchen gadget EVER! Your banana has to be the
perfect size to fit, with the perfect curve. I
can't believe you actually stock this!!!"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003CLFC9...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Analogue phonecall <<
"This is what I do when I'm not on b3ta,"
writes LP. "This is a phone call through two of
my 1950s electromechanical phone exchanges and
through two asterisk voip servers that are 30
miles apart, linked by the internets."
Basically retro nerd-porn.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/what_I_do_when_Im_not_on...
>> Superboy - Tyler's new pyjamas <<
"My little boy is very proud of his new PJs,"
beams Black Moon. "Has to be watched to see his
cute little jump at the end. Bless."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Superboy_Tylers_new_pyja...
>> Wedding in a box <<
"Inspired by my girlfriend's mum's constant
marriage nagging," explains Touched by an Angle
Grinder.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1088783/
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: USVSTH3M
Stuff made by us from our other website
>> Daily Mail or Stormfront?
Upvoted Mail Online comments, mixed with
comments from a neo-Nazi forum. Spot the
difference...
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/daily-mail-or-stormfront/
>> Lou Reed's Metal Machine Listening Party <<
How long can you maintain your respectful vigil
at Lou Reed's Metal Machine Listening Party.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/loureed/
>> 18 things only northerners will understand <<
You've moved down south - we feel your pain.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/65623530326/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lego
We love Lego and wanted to know if you did
too:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lego/
* JUMP START - "My parents couldn't afford to buy
me the Technical Lego that I lusted after, but
along came Weetabix, with a special offer:
collect some tokens and get a free (very small)
box of the stuff. I duly stuffed myself with
wheaty goodness at every opportunity and
collected enough tokens for not just one but
three whole sets of the stuff.
"I had my heart set on building a working car
and duly scavenged as many compatible bits as
I could. After hours of toil, I had something
that looked a bit like a car with a working
three-ratio gearbox. I was so proud, but it
wasn't enough. What it really needed was a
motor! Obviously there was no way I was going
to be able to buy one of the official Lego
motor sets, but what everyday 80s household
item has a small, battery-driven motor?
"My sister's tape machine! And she was out! A
stack of batteries, a bit of wiring and lots
of sticky tape and voila, one self-powered
three-gear Lego vehicle. Sadly, the motor was
pretty puny. I needed more power. Sod the
batteries, I can connect it direct to the
mains. I mean, the tape deck had a mains
connector, what could possibly go wrong? I'll
just connect these two wires to this cable
here... My mum came running when she heard the
BANG and found me shaking, covered in
cartoon-style comedy soot."
(reallywittyname)
* ADDICT - "I must admit to being addicted to
Lego during my teenage years. I even took on
a shitty washer-upper job in a nearby restaurant
to fund my shocking habit. In the end I had
quite a collection that would bring me hours
of joy. I can remember clearly the hazy summer
days spent slaving away putting dishes in the
gigantic washer, anticipating the end of day
when I got paid my paltry £5.50 (this was before
minimum wage.)
"I'd rush to the nearest shop and spend ages
appreciating any new stock and weighing up my
options. With stealth and practised precision
I would quickly buy my prized possession and
run home with haste. Finally, in the solitude
of my bedroom and with my newly acquired Lego
I would wank myself blind. No, hang on, not
Lego. The other one. Porn mags."
(plant)
* SHOE - "I have created a shoe made out of Lego
So when you step on it it doesn't hurt, you just
get taller."
(fucksocks)
>> This Week - FANCY DRESS FAILURES PT2 <<
Dressing up for parties is such a social mine
field - it's just so easy to fall into a Nazi
uniform these days. Tell us all about your
worst outfits:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fancydress2/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ca$hcats.biz <<
The rich cats of instagram, only much more
gangster.
http://cashcats.biz/
>> Most unfortunately named / designed font ever <<
The word is meant to be "Rope".
http://www.dafont.com/rope.font
>> Porn comments on bland stock photos <<
Stock photo libraries have endless pics of
corporate men using computers - porn sites have
thousands of very strange, semi-literate
comments. At last you can enjoy both
simultaneously.
http://pornhubcommentsonstockphotos.tumblr.com/
>> Church looks like flaccid penis <<
Hurrah for the church in Dixon that looks like
a penis complete with glans, shaft,
semi-flaccid curvature and testicles.
http://goo.gl/mzuMGj
>> Unusual name for an Apple store... <<
Did the people who opened this Apple shop in
York not google the name first?
http://www.stormfront.co.uk/york/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Marching band does Hollywood <<
US marching band goes all out in a 'tribute to
Hollywood'. It's basically amazing pixel art,
but the pixels are all playing trumpets.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Suck_on_this_North_Korea
>> Wind sculpture jellyfish <<
Looking like a beautiful portal to another
dimension, this wind-powered sculpture is truly
mesmerising.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/So_this_is_a_real_thing_...
>> Kid overcomes stutter. <<
This vid will make you shit tears from your eye
holes, because you are a beautiful human being
and have a soul.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kid_overcomes_stutter
>> Star Wars blooper reel <<
Recently unearthed, here's the Star Wars cast
and crew arsing things up in ways you hitherto
hadn't seen. Word to the wide: there's no sound
until 45s in.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_bloopers
>> Tow truck fail <<
Incredibly incompetent roadside recovery...
worth the long-ish buildup.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
>> The best name on IMDB? <<
Terribly childish but fun.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0098729/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Soviet UK Challenge
Last week we wanted you to chastise
modern Britain via the medium of ancient
Soviet Propaganda
Your favourites included:
* ATOS — healthcare cannibals held up
to grim damnation (Captn Hood-Butter)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11023225
* ATOS II — further criticism of ever-
unpopular Tory stooges (Featheredfish)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11023188
* NSA — poster tribute to fibre-optic
snoop king (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11023121
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/soviet-uk/
>> New challenge: Hollywood Internet <<
What if the internet existed in classic
films? How would the characters have made
use of it? How would they have been
marketed? What plots would have been
ruined, and which enhanced? Please show
us, via the medium of image-based web
humour. Challenge suggested by Monkeon
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hollywood-internet/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* CAKES MADE OF CHEESE AND MEAT - because, you
know, low carb.
* A CHROME EXTENSION THAT BLOCKS MENTIONS OF
CHRISTMAS - it's still too early.
* CUT AND PASTE that works between your
computer and the one next to it.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sub: [email protected]
Stub: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by emdotdee
sir_spicious2000, buffet_the_appetite_slayer,
Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, mike woz ere,
and stoodles.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlol from Tom.
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TOP TIP:
Make people think you're a shark by biting
huge chunks out of their legs. (Just a vagabond)
