NEWSLETTER: HELL YEAH LET'S PARTY LIKE IT'S 1997 IT'S THE B3TA NEWSLETTER
This Week:
* QUESTION - Your shit celeb encounters
* CAT GIFS - Reenacted by a human
* CHALLENGE - Put jokes into the background
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're writing the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | newsletter aged 40
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together!"
B3ta email 610 - 6 Dec 2013
Stick this issue in your web gob and chew:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue610
Sub : [email protected]
Snub : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Miranda Hart's Maracattack DVD
Here's the DVD for sale on Amazon. Take a look
at the Frequently Bought Together items at the
bottom.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00FXYJAD...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Music, Tweets, More music & number plates
>> Old musicians are better a bit faster <<
"As a long time board lurker, I have only ever
had one thing I wanted to share with the world",
writes rimbaud, "my theory that pop musicians
get slower and slower over time and this is bad.
I therefore present my grand work that I hope
will convince you. I also need some good
suggestions."
http://fifteenpercentfaster.tumblr.com/
>> Father Jack Hackett's vs Twitter <<
"Something I made recently which floats tweets
around the screen" ,writes rolandino, "tweets
that include the swearing of Father Hackett
(from Father Ted). Includes sound samples of his
swearing, so have your sound turned up. Daft
experiment in many ways. Works best on desktops."
http://bit.ly/1cf6bmO
>> Derek had a Double Dose <<
"I've been experimenting with some new
software", writes swedemason, " I spunked every
effect i could on this fairly random bit of
video, apologies if it makes you feel abit sick,
or induces flashbacks."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Derek_had_a_Double_Dose
>> Personalised number plates = shit <<
"What is it about personalised number plates
that makes them seem so shit?", writes
feelwelcome, "I got After Effects last week."
http://bit.ly/1cf6fCX
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: USVSTH3M STUFF
3 good things they / we did this week
* FIVE CAT GIFS REENACTED BY A HUMAN CAT GIFS.
CUTE. Adorable. But we reckon human GIFs might
be the FUTURE, so we got Tom, one of the
UsVsTh3m team, to reenact some of the greatest
cat GIFs of all time.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/69169102523/
* ARE YOU ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST? Take the Are
You On Santa's Naughty List? quiz now.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/naughty/
* 24 BIZARRE AND SOCIOPATHIC LIFE LESSONS -
every child learnt from The Sims
http://usvsth3m.com/post/68884279191/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Self-inflicted Injuries
Last week we wanted the awful damage you'd done
to yourself with only the help of your own idiocy:
http://b3ta.com/questions/selfinflictedinjury/
* MUM HUMOUR - "My friend T and I spent a year
living with my parents while working in a sheet
metal shop. One he was moving heavy sheets from
one pile to another when the guy assisting him
grew annoyed at the slow pace. So they started
flipping several plates at one time. One set
slipped and slammed T's hand into an upright
stack, slicing through his glove and into the
back of his hand. Off to the emergency room in a
company truck with T holding a wad of paper
towels against the cut with his hand in his lap.
When we got home that night, he discovered that
blood had soaked through to his Y-fronts so he
dropped them into the bathroom trashcan. Next
morning we discover that my mom had fished T's
underwear out of the trash and laundered them,
getting out the bloodstain. They were neatly
folded next to the bathroom sink, along with an
ancient box of Kotex and a pamphlet titled "Now
You're a Woman" (Wahoo)
* ROCK HARD - "We're playing the end-of-year
ball at the all-girls college. Our band is in
the cool-and-edgy basement, it's a great, hot,
intense, sweaty gig. Crowds of female students
dancing away. Feeling like proper rock stars we
strip to the waist and finish on a jazz-funk
version of Black Sabbath's "Paranoid". The crowd
goes wild! It comes to the guitar solo, and
BANG! We shift gear from slow funk to full-on
metal as I hurtle into an over the top frenzy,
the girls go even wilder and I climb the amp
stack giving it the full-on rock god treatment.
It doesn't *get* any better than this! Climax of
the solo, big drum roll, and I leap like Dave
Lee Roth off the amp stack, arm wheeling like
Pete Townshend at his finest. I pull the splits
in mid-air. I only remember that we're in a
low-ceilinged basement just *after* I crack my
head on the a pipe in the ceiling, spin wildly
in mid-air, and land on my hip & elbow from a
height of about 8 feet up. Half-unconscious,
flat on the floor and crippled with pain, I've
bent my guitar lead, and there's no sound coming
out with a minute of the song to go. I pull
myself over to my effects pedals, plug in with a
tiny patch cable finish completely horizontal.
20 yrs later I *still* have the scar in my
forehead from the bolt in the pipe. Rock 'n'
roll, maaaaan." (Young Master Ploppy)
* DAISY - "When I was about five or six, I was
dicking around in the garden and I pushed a
daisy up my nose. So far up my nose, in fact,
that I had to be taken to hospital to extract
it." (V3lvetPresley)
>> This Week - CELEB ENCOUNTERS III <<
Which famous arses have you met this time?
http://b3ta.com/questions/celebencounters3/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* NEW STATESMAN TROLLING READERS - with this
ridiculous bit of journalism
http://bit.ly/1cf6gH6
* I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAUBLE - Deck the
halls with Miley Cyrus, fa la la la la, la la la
la.
http://bit.ly/1cf6kqk
* FIND THE INVISIBLE COW - Do you like shouting
and cows? Then Find The Invisible Cow will be
the best game you've ever played
http://www.findtheinvisiblecow.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Coz kids love vids
* HIGELLA - Charles Saaaatchi is a total wanker,
but this is quite funny Sub-Cassetteboy Nigella
thing.
http://bit.ly/1cf6jmh
* LEGO BLUES BROTHERS - does what it says on the
lego box.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* CHRIST ON A BIKE - what do you think a video
called "christ on a bike" will be? Bet you'll
guess.
http://youtu.be/PoKM4W3x0Z8
* CORRUPTED MARIO 64 LSD - Video game
corruptions are intentional glitches produced by
loading the game data into an editor and
introducing deliberate errors to see the effects.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* ALDI CHAMPAGNE COMMERCIAL - most adverts are
shit. This one isn't.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Aldi_champagne_commercia...
* PICARD SINGS CHRISTMAS CAROL - quite enjoyable
as cut up bits of video go.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Picard_sings_a_Christmas...
* ORBITAL'S CHIME REWORKED AS A CHRISTMAS SONG.
Grinning from ear to ear. Ridiculous bells.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Unsellable Challenge
Last week we wanted you to sell the unsellable
Your favourites included:
* DRAWINGS: demented additions to Toys R Us
catalogue of evil (The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11034067
* DISC: recorded shrieking provides sweet
consolation to impotent (robneymcplum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11033973
* DULL: multi-volume DVD of static classic
delights patient viewers (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11034325
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sell-the-unsellable/
>> New challenge: Background Jokes <<
This week's fiendish chore is to take a famous
image, and add something comical or interesting
to the background, leaving the foreground as
before. Challenge suggested by monkeon
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/background-jokes/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LOGAN'S RUN AS A SOCIAL NETWORK. People are
kicked out over 30 so that parents can never see
what the kids are up to.
* A PAGE THAT PLAYS THE FACEBOOK ALERT NOISE
EVERY FEW MINS - so it looks like you're popular.
* AN ALARM WITH BUILT IN TIME MACHINE - so the
sleep button sends you back 1hour to get more
sleep.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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SUB: [email protected]
SNUB: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mofaha, Amorous
Badger, fred zeppelin, Colostomy Bag Explosion,
robneymcplum & nobby.uk Image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Tip
via The Lurker.
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TOP TIP:
Make your life easier and better by being nice
to people.