NEWSLETTER: OFFICIALLY NOT HALF AS GOOD AS IT USED TO BE
This Week:
* ANIM - Social Media Giant Squid
* DIY - Horrible Home-Made Sex Doll
* VID - Fat Little Squirrel Says Hello
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B3ta email 615 - 17 Jan 2014
Eat this newsletter and shit it out:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue615
xxx : [email protected]
xxxx : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Everything I know about teaching by Michael Gove
Settle in, this ought to be good...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/149291241...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Giant squids, Doorstops and Apprentice
>> Somegreybloke on the Giant Squid Menace etc <<
The grey-hued everynerd skewers the greatest
monsters of social media. Troublingly accurate.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1123120
>> "My dog has a preoccupation with doorstops" <<
Extra marks to BaronMunchausen for naming a dog
after Iggy Pop.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doorstop
>> Apprentice face-mixing <<
Add Piers Morgan's eyes to Alan Sugar's nose,
what do you get? Anything you like - he doesn't
have Donald Trump's ears yet! Good stuff, from
earlyshakespeare.
http://www.earlyshakespeare.com/apprentice.html
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: USVSTH3M CORNER
Interactive stuff made by 'sister' project
* Who is your inner rock god? - Sex, drugs, or
just rock ‘n’ lols? Our quiz will match you with
a music legend.
http://games.usvsth3m.com/who-is-your-inner-rock-g...
* We'll show you some British homes. All you
have to do is work out: is the price higher or
lower?
http://games.usvsth3m.com/play-your-house-prices-r...
* The Parental Advisory Movie Quiz - Can you
identify the film from the Parental Advice
warnings given by the IMDb?
http://games.usvsth3m.com/parental-advisory-movie-...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
"That escalated quickly..."
Last week we asked for stories of situations
that had got out of control:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thatescalatedquickly/
* SLIGHT - "No situation escalates quicker than
a spoiled child not getting what he wants, and
this young chap had everything: SKY TV, a remote
control Megazord and not just a Mega Drive but
a SNES AND a Gameboy. But one day, in the space
of two minutes, he went from Mr Primary School
Popularity 1995 to a child destined for a life
of mockery.
"He was found in the middle of the playground
crying his eyes out with multiple teachers
restraining him from bashing his mother with a
broken tree branch. What had set him off on
this violent escapade? It was Red Nose Day.
His mum had come to school at lunch to give
him his red nose.
"Unfortunately it wasn't one of the brand new
colour changing ones. Instead it was an
ordinary red nose, possibly from a couple of
Comic Relief campaigns ago. And like any
rational young child he decided that this was
a crime that could only be punished by violent
stick-based matricide."
(danishbacon)
* FLIGHT - "The lifts in the Natwest tower were
pretty fast. They use to escalate pretty quickly.
When I was working as a despatch rider we used to
like a job to the Nat West Tower. If you timed it
right going down, you could jump in the air and
sort of float back to the floor. Sort of.
One of the guys I worked with did it three
times on the way down, and then puked in front
of the other horrified occupants of the lift."
(username failed moderation)
* FIGHT - "A small town in Suffolk. Karl and I
had been out drinking all night and were stumbling
through the streets in search of food, when we
bumped into his younger sister insulting a rather
chavvy acquaintance of hers.
"We were therefore in the perfect position to
observe when thirty of his mates and forty of
hers rounded opposing corners and decided to
settle the matter with fists.
"We sat on a bench for a minute or so and
observed the running battle that had erupted
from nowhere - literally within seconds -
before I made what was possibly the most
laconic 999 call ever.
"'Yeah, there's a fight by the church. About
seventy. Weapons? Nah, can't see any but I
heard glass smashing a moment ago. Oh, there
it is again, listen *holds up phone in
direction of the fight*.' Within seconds five
police cars, a police landrover, two police
vans and an ambulance rolled up. Took all of
them to break it up too."
(MatJ)
>> This Week - BAD SMELLS <<
Guffs, trumps, farts, botty burps and panty
poots. And that tramp you hid in the shed.
Which is smellier?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/smells/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Guy makes home-made sex doll <<
Predictably horrific results. Nice balloon tits
though.
http://goo.gl/XXTrvs
>> Amusingly-titled novel by the author of Tarzan <<
Is this really real? Well, no. But it is funny.
http://goo.gl/fd04K2
>> Artist makes beautiful paintings with MS Excel <<
You will click, you will look, you will go
"fucking hell, is that really Microsoft
Excel??" It is Microsoft Excel.
http://goo.gl/6ExBrx
>> "My week on the Butterfield Diet" <<
If you don't know what the Butterfield Diet is,
you should immediately rush to YouTube and
watch the clip. The premise is this: starve
yourself for a week and then, for a single day,
gorge yourself stupid. Does it work?
http://goo.gl/dtDI3i
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> The Steadi-Cam Spoon <<
Innovative design for Parkinson's sufferers -
the end stays steady, despite hand tremors.
There are probably useful wanking applications
too.
http://www.liftlabsdesign.com/#prettyPhoto/0/
>> Baby meets dad's twin for the first time <<
It's all so confusing!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1122672
>> Tesla Coils Play Inspector Gadget <<
Fun fact: Nikolai Tesla invented Inspector
Gadget 30 years before Edison thought of it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1123063
>> Devil Baby prank <<
Put an evil-looking fake baby in a push-chair,
leave it to spring up and startle inquisitive
passersby. Kind of funny, but also punishing
people for looking out for an abandoned baby.
Eh.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Devil_Baby_prank
>> New Muppet movie trailer <<
Loving the Muppets' take on internet comment
reviews - also, it has Tina Fey who we love
longtime. It... it might be a good film.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/_:110
>> Hello I am a fat little squirrel <<
Non-stop adorable chat from the chubby little
rodent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1122294
>> Firestarter video no music <<
Somehow creepier with just damp dripping down
the walls and Keith muttering.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1123130
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
What a cunt
This guy definitely sounds like a character
from Game of Thrones.
http://goo.gl/V5jA4b
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Food Flim Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate gastronomic
cinema
Your favourites included:
* TOLKIEN: midget humanoid thwarts meme-bound,
croissant-gobbling foe (ferret)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11049164
* DINNER: leather-faced woodcutter uses skills
for Greek mince classic (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11044440
* CHEDDAR: hippy motorcyclists straddle cheese
machines for road trip (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11044675
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/foodfilms/
>> New challenge: Zero Gravity <<
This week's celestial challenge is to make jokes
in space: try Photoshops of weightless things, or
how about some clever photography? (suggested by
HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/zero-gravity/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A schedule for this newsletter.
* Seriously. We had plans tonight.
* Also, kittens or some shit.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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xxxxx: [email protected]
xxxxxx: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mr Mann,
spellingmistakescostlives, simbosan, Q4nobody,
HappyToast, jonofthesouth, robneymcplum,
miltonlives, dirtyscarab, Firkinfedup,
Tab Hunter, Leemondus.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Pret A Manger coffee cup sleeves make ideal
Blake's 7 style bracelets for the
science-fiction fan on a tight budget.
"Polo!"
