NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU DO ONE THING THIS WEEK, READ THE RUDE STORY IN THE MIDDLE"
This Week:
* QUESTION OF THE WEEK GOLD- yes /that/ threesome
* SITE NEWS - Front page now responsive!
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Election special. Huzzah!
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the webs
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | so that we can smoke
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| them and get high"
B3ta email 658 - 3rd April 2015
Read this issue in bed as it's Easter:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue658
Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
The Krankies Go Dogging
We're listing this simply as it's the most
ridiculous book title we've spotted on Amazon
for a while. Maybe Wee Jimmy Krankie isn't so
wee where it matters? Fandabidozi!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00HAG139...
-------------------------------------------------
WE'RE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE SOME B3TA CHANGES
1. Front page now mobile responsive - go on have a
look on mobile or drag the right bit of your
browser window and make the site narrow. Swish eh?
2. The images on the the 'best of the board'
column can now be 600px wide. This allows you,
dear artists, to use more pixels for your jokes.
HISTORY FACT: When we launched it was 280 pixels
wide, then 400px and now 600px. That means we've
MORE THAN DOUBLED the width. Exciting!
Thanks to Ferret for doing the code. Huzzah.
-------------------------------------------------
: SPECIAL 'ELECTION CHALLENGE' SECTION
As we fast approach another election the
propaganda posters are starting to appear. And
we want you to fuck with them. FUCK WITH THEM
BADLY.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/electionposters/popu...
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than shouting at TV re: Leaders' Debate
* CATCORDION - Matthew Guy writes, "A few years
ago you were kind enough to post the
CATLEIDOSCOPE, thank you thank you. So I thought
you might be interested in the catleidoscope's
awkward baby sister, the CATCORDION(!!!!) - I'm
not sure why either. Tickle her bellows why
don't you?"
http://catcordion.sergethew.com
* FILM SFX FUN - Slurpy J points out, "Every
action film trailer uses the same bass sound
over and over and over and I only just noticed."
http://bit.ly/1Hsq3Eb
* IT'S COLIN FIRTH TIME, IT'S SEXY TIME - Pi
Bennet has made this and it'll turn you on.
http://b3ta.com/links/OH_COLIN_FIRTH
-------------------------------------------------
COLIN FIRTH FACT WE NICKED FROM WIKIPEDIA:
Firth commissioned and is credited as a co-author
on a scientific paper on a study into the
differences in brain structure between people of
differing political orientations.
-------------------------------------------------
FOLLOW B3TA ON FACEBOOK
We've decided to take Facebook seriously as to be
honest it's pretty much all anyone in the media
industry cares about. Twitter is where stories are
broken, but it's Facebook that drives traffic. FB
has all the power and the entire media industry is
terrified about their next move and nervously swap
rumours such as:
a. FB preventing anything going viral unless you
buy ads
b. FB might turn off traffic for rewrites of
similar stories and
c. FB could cut take over the publishing bit and
make publishers into simply content providers
OK, that's the industry worries, whereas our
actual Facebook account is mostly amusing pics.
You should follow, we're making an effort to make
it less shit that most ones which just pimp
constant half-baked articles at you.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
-------------------------------------------------
QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
Sexual misunderstanding: "Three's a crowd"
Each week we scour our archives for a particularly
fine story, this week? A really mucky story about
threesomes that people are still talking about
seven years later.
My sex misconception was that having my first
threesome would be a good idea.
It didn't happen by accident. One of my best
mates, let's call him Darren, had a girlfriend who
was liberal to the point of having no inhibitions
whatsoever. This suited Darren perfectly and he
used to boast to me regularly about the latest
perversion they'd tested in the bedroom (or the
kitchen, or the park… you get the idea).
I was midway through Uni at the time but Darren
and I had been friends all the way through school,
been in sports teams together and it's fair to say
we knew each other about as well as two guys can,
or so I thought. His girlfriend Jenny was a couple
of years older than us but we'd both known her at
school too. She was a stunning girl and great fun
but unashamedly also a sexual deviant.
The night of Darren's birthday was when it
happened. We were all a bit drunk and in no mood
to stop when the music at the nightclub finished,
so it was decided to go back to their house to
continue the party. In the back of the cab, Jenny
in the middle and Darren and me on either side, it
became clear I was in for more than I'd bargained
when she started groping me. A quick glance to the
left revealed that Darren was already getting a
hand job. He turned to me and said "Jenny's always
fancied a threes-up with you and me, how about
it?".
Well, what could I say? Nothing, as it happened.
She winked at me, I smiled nervously in reply and
she unbuttoned my flies with her free hand …
After an awkward payment to the blushing cabbie,
we piled into their house and into the living
room. I had no idea what to expect, it felt like
losing my virginity again. She dabbled with the
idea of just getting down to it right there, but
Darren pointed out that the bedroom would be more
comfortable. Our trio of bodies gradually made its
way through the hallway and up the stairs, Jenny
occasionally stopping to lick or fondle our
various body parts. By the time we arrived at the
bedroom, our clothes were all over the house.
I let Jenny dictate the pace when she wasn't using
her skills on Darren as I really didn't know what
I was doing; I'd had plenty of solo partners
myself but this was my first ménage-a-trois so I
didn't want to overstep whatever boundaries
remained. Nevertheless, trying to be passive and
gentlemanly in such rare circumstances just
doesn't work.
Growing bored of switching attention back and
forth between our respective cocks, Jenny
commanded Darren to fuck her hard, and he happily
obliged. While he was busily shagging her from
behind, I decided to engage in a bit of 'spit
roasting', then she insisted that we swap ends. It
was certainly a weird feeling to be fucking my
best mate's girl while he was being fellated by
her a couple of feet away, watching my every
thrust intently. It was all a bit surreal and I
didn't think it would go any further, but Jenny
wanted to try every conceivable position available
to the three of us. She laid me on the bed,
straddled me and invited Darren to fill her vacant
rear entrance. It turns out that double
penetration is much more difficult than porn
movies would have you believe.
After an unenjoyable sojourn into shitty city,
Darren decided it was time to watch me and Jenny
for a bit while he "cleaned himself off"… yuck. I
was still lying on the bed so Jenny assumed the
classic '69' position and began giving me a very
fine blowjob while I got to work on her. Darren
couldn't stand just watching so after a few
cursory wipes he decided to resume his previous
position in Jenny's wrong 'un, which was fine for
him. However, it placed me in the unenviable
position of having to look directly up at his
sweaty ballsack and arse. I closed my eyes and
tried to concentrate on Jenny's excellent
technique rather than my best friend's pendulous
undercarriage slamming into her chocolate exit
strategy.
With my eyes closed, I was finally starting to
enjoy the experience myself. I could feel the
pressure building as Jenny demonstrated her lack
of a meaningful gag reflex and could tell she was
enjoying my oral generosity too. She was really
wet to the point of dripping into my mouth, so I
lapped it up like a dog eating a melted ice cream.
I'd never experienced anything like it before, but
it was a real turn on to know she was getting so
much pleasure, even if she did taste a bit
different to most of the girls I'd been with
before. After another minute or two she finished
me off in her mouth. Feeling rather exhausted and
self conscious again, I opened my eyes again only
to find that Darren was already lying next to us.
Confused, I looked up and noticed a trickle of
light brown fluid running from Jenny's fudge box,
all the way down her lady-garden and stretching
onto my own lips.
Unfortunately for me, while I had been lost in
mutual oral pleasure with my eyes closed, Darren
had quietly emptied a remarkable load of hot
monkey custard into Jenny's backside, and then
he'd pulled out with predictable results. It
wasn't my tongue that had made her beef pocket so
impressively moist after all. The worst part was
that I'd swallowed most of the devil's own
cocktail in the mistaken belief that it was my
prize for being so good at cunnilingus. I ended up
blaming the ensuing bout of puking on the
evening's drinks.
So kids, my advice to you is: if you ever end up
being asked to a threesome, for goodness' sake,
either get the boy/girl ratio right or ensure that
gravity is on your side.
Apologies if the ending to this tale has left a
nasty taste in your mouth too. (chart cat)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconceptions...
-------------------------------------------------
: STUFF TO READ
Stick this in Pocket/whatever crap app you use
* QUIETUS ON TIDAL - loads of dickhead popstars
have got together to launch a rival to Spotify,
fab music site Quietus nails their delusion and
pomposity. (Our hot take? Jay-Z has probably
been sold a cracked copy of Limewire for
£4billion.)
http://bit.ly/1Gp8pTc
* MUSICIANS AGES ON CLASSIC ROCK ALBUMS - most
of the stuff the Beatles recorded was made when
they were about 8.
http://bit.ly/1NGSakM
* WHAT'S THE MOST SOCIOPATHIC WAY YOU'VE BEHAVED
IN THE SIMS? - Superb Reddit thread on how Sims
is so much more fun when you torture people.
http://bit.ly/19P0bqx
-------------------------------------------------
LOOKALIKES: David Cameron & Spencer from Thomas
the Tank Engine
http://bit.ly/david-cameron-the-tank-engine
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* PAINT WITH NIGEL FARAGE - Farage + any old
shit is web gold these days. We bet any old idea
from 1999 plus Farage would get attention:
Farage That Shits Prime Numbers, The Million
Dollar Nigel Farage Homepage, er... Emotion
Nigel.
http://paintwithnigelfarage.com/
* EXPLORE MUSIC GENRES THINGIE - one of those
spidery map things that tells you what normcore
etc sounds like. Rest assured most modern music
either sounds gothy, trancey or dubsteppy, or
combinations thereof.
http://everynoise.com/engenremap.html
* THIS GIF WILL MESS WITH YOUR EYES - keep
blinking. Odd isn't it?
http://bit.ly/trippy-stuff-blinky
-------------------------------------------------
FOLLOW @B3TA ON TWITTER
Mainly we use Twitter for the frontpaged images
and posting links to this very newsletter. Does
that sound compelling? ARE YOU LITERALLY SHITTING
OUT OF YOUR EYES IN EXCITEMENT?
https://twitter.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
: RETROGAMING CORNER
We don't play old games but we do like nostalgia
* WHAT GAMES DID 90s MUSICIANS PLAY? Amusing,
ancient feature from an Amiga magazine where
they interview 90s indie popstars like Lush and
the Manic Street Preachers about Kick Off 2 etc.
http://bit.ly/manic-street-miners
* JET SET WILLY - reviewed by 6 year olds of
today. They also do Donkey Kong & Track and
Field. This could have only been better if
they'd done Manic Miner, which was infinitely
better than JSW. (Much like how Rio was better
than Seven and the Ragged Tiger.)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-32085854
* BBC MICRO LIVE - with the very first hack on
live TV. Superb stuff.
https://youtu.be/ZCMuBH2aZbE
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a VHS but you don't have to rewind tapes
* TELETUBBIES - Liking the sinister Teletubbies
meme, first the creepy photo, now a slowed down,
black & white inverted video. The baby sun at
the beginning is particularly disturbing.
https://vimeo.com/123394968
* WHITE STRIPES - Just a dog playing the drums
along to Seven Nation Army. No jokes about the
dog being better than Meg White ok? She is
bloody great.
https://vine.co/v/O3l3rI5I0YX
* DON'T HUG ME I'M SCARED 4 - creepy but amusing
live action thingie.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dont_Hug_Me_Im_Scared_4
-------------------------------------------------
When body-builders get to a certain inflated size,
they can no longer reach back to wipe their own
ass. The price you pay for being superhuman.
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'X-Files' challenge
Last week we celebrated the spooky tv show's
return with our own paranormal investigation.
Your favourites included:
* Vape: Cigarette Smoking man gets an upgrade.
(HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/11141829
* Hulk: The truth is Hogan (R2DTard)
http://b3ta.com/board/11143046
* Gothic: Grant Wood's Mulder and Scully. (Ya
What)
http://b3ta.com/board/11142421
All these images, and a load more can be found
here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/xfiles/
>> New challenge: Non Fiction Video Games <<
This week we're doing computer games based on
real people, places and things. Insert Coin(s),
press 1 up and lets play GTA Slough or Andrew
Lansley's Sim Hospital.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/nonficgames/
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Say hello to 'Moe Lester'
We figured this might be a "funny" photoshop but
nope, Moe checks out.
http://bit.ly/moe-lester
-------------------------------------------------
Choosers: [email protected]
Losers: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tab Hunter, fred
zeppelin, BrokenCoccyx, tubaman, lurkylurklurk,
barst, artifus & monkeon. Bodybuilder fact from
smearballs.
-------------------------------------------------
Friendless and alone? Add B3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP: Lefties! Watch all tv via a mirror and
everyone looks normal.
