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NEWSLETTER: TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO PARTY LIKE IT'S 1995

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This Week:
* NOSTALGIA - GeoCities GIF Bot is pure 1995
* CYRIAK - Support his sci-fi novel
* CLOCKS - Tell the time with Flavor Flav

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We'll save the web when  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   we have our website
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     back.... ooops!"

B3ta email 679  - 25 May 2018

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: SITE DOWN ARGH!

  It's going to be a mini newsletter this week as
  the site is down so it's kinda hard to bring
  you any 'best of the site' stuff.

  Our host had a power surge and it's knocked
  over thousands of servers and they're doing
  their best to bring them back one by one.

  If that fails then we've got back ups but we'd
  lose two weeks of posts so we'd rather just
  wait for the host to fix everything - shouldn't
  be too long.

  Anyway, in the meantime we do have some b3ta
  projects to tell you about, and we've peppered
  it with some terrible jokes written by people
  who replied our Twitter account.


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What sexually transmitted disease do budgerigars get?
Chirpes.

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: GEOCITIES GIF BOT
  Tonight we're going to party like it's 1995

  Your B3ta editor Rob Manuel has written a bot
  that searches old GeoCities pages and pulls out
  GIFs and posts them on Twitter, complete with a
  working link to the Internet Archive cache of
  the page.

  Some of the GIFs are shit, some are sort of
  amazing, and if you can be arsed to put the
  time in and explore the links, it's a treasure
  trove of forgotten internet.
https://twitter.com/geocitiesgifbot

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Thanks to the over 1,050 people who voted in our
poll: "Would you rather watch the Royal wedding
or have a wank?"

88% of you voted for a wank. How many of you did
both at once to produce royalty-infused spaff is
unclear.

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: BUY SOME FUCKING TROUSERS
  Sponsored patreon

  Hebtro make awesome trousers. And they're made
  by some old newsletter contributors in the UK.
  Their site was also knocked over in the great
  crash that's killed us but they're back online
  now. THE JAMMY BASTARDS.
https://hebtro.co/

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There was a pub that was renowned for selling
many flavours of crisp. A man went in there and
asked for helicopter crisps. The barman replied:
“I'm sorry sir, we've only got plain.”

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: FLAVOR FLAV CLOCK
  Telling the time with rappity-clock photos
  
  Monkeon has produced a Twitter clock by
  researching loads of old photos of rap-singer
  Flavor Flav and with clocks around his neck.

  His write-up on the whole project is well worth
  a read.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/flavorflavclock/

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Do you know what makes me cross?
Lollipop ladies.

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: CYRIAK HAS WRITTEN A BOOK
  And he needs you to fund it
  
  Your newsletter editor Rob occasionally works
  with the publisher Unbound, and he set up a
  meeting between B3ta legend Cyriak and the
  publisher with the idea maybe he could do some
  kind of art book.

  Cyriak said "Er... maybe?" but that he had in
  fact written a sci-fi novel, and guess what:
  it's actually fucking great. Here's a quick
  interview we did with him.

 -- Tell us about the book.

  It's a science fiction novel in which a horse
  relates the story of its life, and describes
  the peculiar series of events that ultimately
  allowed it to destroy the universe.

 -- Tell us a joke.

  What's a horse's favourite tv show?
  Neigh-bours. Is that even still going? I've no
  idea. They also enjoy The Neigh-Team and
  Coro-neigh-tion Street. And A-neigh-mal
  Horse-pital.

You notice these are all tv shows from 20 years
ago by the way, that's how long it's been since I
watched tv I think. Apart from Inside No. 9, that
was good. Or Inside Number Neigh-n. I'll stop
now.

  -- Tell us a bit about writing the book

  I started writing it in 2015 for the National
  Novel Writing Month, as a personal challenge to
  see if I could write a 50,000 word story based
  on the most outlandish idea I could think of.
  After writing 50k words I realised not only was
  the story only half way through, but it was
  actually quite good, so I carried on hammering
  away at it over the next two years, while
  watching the real world become more ridiculous
  than anything I could possibly compete with.

  -- What's the best thing you can cook?

  Nothing I cook involves anything more technical
  than heating something up in an oven. Cooking
  is one of those things that gets in the way of
  internet browsing, so I try to minimise my
  involvement in the process if possible.

  -- Anything you'd like to say to b3ta readers?

  Hello b3ta readers. Are you all enjoying being
  old? It's great isn't it? I actually do
  gardening now.

  Help crowdfund Cyriak's book here:
https://unbound.com/books/horse-destroys-the-universe/


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: COPYWRITER WANTS JOB
  Sponsored patreon

  One of our sponsorships slots has been taken by
  Josh, who writes: "A good friend of mine is
  looking for a decent job doing good copywriting
  for someone who's not a cunt. I've not told him
  I'm going to do this but how would you feel
  about plugging him in the newsletter? His name
  is Thom Wong." 
https://allknown.info/

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What idiot called it YouPorn instead of Grotify?

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: YOUR NEW FAVOURITE BAND
  Has made an LP about tennis
  
  "Hi B3ta! Long time reader, first time email
  beggar. Me and two friends wrote a short punk
  album about Andre Agassi balding, John McEnroe
  flipping out and Pete Sampras (not) being a
  robot. We're the world's greatest Tennis Punk
  Band, Boris Becker."

  We gave the first track a listen and thought
  this was great. It's utterly mad in a good way. 
http://borisbeckerband.bandcamp.com/ 


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: RULE OF THREE 
  Best comedy podcast we've ever heard
  
  We've got a bit of a man-crush on the comedy
  writers Joel Morris and Jason Hazeley. They're
  known for writing for Charlie Brooker,
  Philomena Cunk, and all those Ladybird books.

  However, the reason we're actually fans isn't
  so much their brilliant work as the fact that
  we've enjoyed so much having them as Facebook
  friends and reading all their thoughtful
  threads about comedy and writing.

  We're utterly delighted they've turned all this
  stuff into a podcast: comedy writers talking to
  comedy writers about comedy.

  You couldn't think of a podcast idea more up
  our street if you tried and they've executed it
  brilliantly. It's four episodes in and you're
  in for a treat:

  Published every Thursday, leading us to shout
  with delight "thank fuck it's Threesday!"
https://www.acast.com/ruleofthree


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: REMEMBER USVSTH3M?
  Five years ago 

  UvT was launched 5 years ago this week, and it
  briefly shone bright before crashing into the
  ground.

  Matt Round was one of our game developers and
  he's put together a handful of his best
  material for you to remember what it was all
  about.

  We recommend Super Tory Boy.
https://mattround.com/usvsth3m/

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We've learnt that Michael Caine going shopping
for sausages in Harrods. There's a butchers in
there. Michael will buy his sausages and then say
"have a couple of sausages yourself".

Michael Caine tips in sausages.

Maybe he thinks they’re cigars.

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: GET YOUR GRANT FUNDING APPLICATION WRITTEN
  Sponsored patreon

  Need grant funding for a tech project or idea?
  Get Cutting Edge Analysis to write a no-win, no
  fee proposal for you. Go on: click this link
  and make the guy who paid us money happy.
https://www.cuttingedgeanalysis.com/

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I've got a new job as the triangle player in a reggae band.
I just stand at the back and ting.

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: NEED PR? BEST CALL ED
  Sponsored patreon

  "I'm Ed Zitron and I'm running the best PR
  company in the world - and I've been reading
  B3ta for 15 years so have sponsored them."
  Thank you Ed. This week let’s link to you his
  Twitter account - why the fuck not? 
https://twitter.com/edzitron

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: DRUNKEN BAKER BOOK
  Viz bloke does book

  If you're a fan of VIZ and if you read B3ta
  then you probably are you'll know all about
  Drunken Bakers.

  The guy who writes it has turned into a book.
  We went and saw him do a turn on Thursday night
  and he was brilliant - it was like watching
  Lenny Bruce, sporadically stumbling between
  being funny, profound, and then drunken and
  crap.

  A wonderful time - you should buy the book -
  you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be £14 poorer
  but your soul will be richer.
http://wreckingballpress.com/product/drunken-baker-barney-farmer/ 


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: Credits

  Newsletter written by Rob Manuel

  Jokes by Andrew Higgins, Rebecca McManus, John
  Davis & Chuckman.

  Proofing by Steven Chicken & David Stevenson.

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: SPONSORS 

  Josh McMillan, Ed Zitron, Kevin Prescott & HebTroCo.

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: PATREON THANKS - WE LOVE YOU PEOPLE

  *TOM JENKINS BATES* *JON GRANT* *SHOWRAT *
  *SIMON JAMES* *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE* *MR
  PHIL DONNELLY* *KATE * *JAMES PETTS* *STEWART
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Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?
Because he's a cunt.

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: PLEASE SUPPORT B3TA PATREON

  This is all funded by you. Please chuck money
  in so we can do stupid newsletter and run
  stupid web projects instead of doing a proper
  job.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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