NEWSLETTER: "THE SEVENTH FUNNIEST INTERNET NEWSLETTER IN BRITAIN. MAYBE EIGHTH."
"THE SEVENTH FUNNIEST INTERNET NEWSLETTER IN BRITAIN. MAYBE EIGHTH."
This Week:
* TRUMP - Secret tape revealed!
* CHALLENGE - Tonight is the night when "2 films become 1"
* CODE - Become a rockstar programmer. For real.
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving our nips
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to beat the heatwave
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together"
B3ta electronic-email no. 687 - 27 July 2018
Read this issue in your E.L. Whisty boring voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue687
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: SECRET TRUMP TAPE EXCLUSIVE
Hold the front page dot com
Apparently there's bumper stickers saying "the
pee tape is real" but B3ta informant S4RK
reckons they've got "Footage from tape
discovered by staff at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel -
found stuffed into a brown envelope marked
'4VP'"
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Security_Tape_177_6_cls...
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May we all live long enough that our first names
becomes comic if you gave them to a baby.
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: PINKY & PERKY SING YOUR MP3s
An interactive toy from Monkeon dot co dot uk
King of quirky quizzes Mr Monkeon has made a
toy that speeds up your MP3s and makes TV
legends Pinky and Perky dance to them.
(We were slightly worried that modern readers
wouldn't know what an MP3 was but then we
remembered they wouldn't know who Pinky and
Perky is either.)
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/pinkyandperky/
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The main flaw of Nineteen Eighty-Four is Orwell's
failure to predict Wham's domination of Top Of
The Pops.
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: THE RETURN OF WEEBL AND BOB
Yes, he came back and he still wants pie
We haven't mentioned Jonti 'Weebl' Picking for
a bit but we just checked in and we're pleased
to report he's revived Weebl & Bob!
"It's is an accidental Weebl and Bob written
while I was mean to be making a new Savlonic
track", says Jonti 'it's a snake' Picking, "It
just sort of happened. But I don't regret it."
Wow. It's like 2002 never stopped and it's made
us want to dig out Flash 5.0 and start tweening
again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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1971: Maggie Thatcher = milk snatcher
2018: Theresa May, thieves au lait
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Sorry Adobe, we're back on our bullshit
This week we've got a simple, let's say
classic, challenge for you: mash up two films.
You know the score: Annie Hall Get Your Gun.
But funny. So fire up Corel Draw and Paintshop
Pro the shit out of it.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmcombo2/
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: MENU FAILS
Because it's 1976 and Ingrish is still funny
@xpeasmanx writes, "I made this Twitter account
for Google Translate menu fails. I think it's
piss funny, but then I would wouldn't I?"
https://twitter.com/menufails
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Untested pop theory: individual artists are more
likely to go big than bands these days coz it's
difficult to fit a photo of band into a portrait
format that works well on a phone.
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: HEADLINE(S) OF THE WEEK
Actual sentences spotted on the World Wide Web
* "Topiarist woken up by 'vicious drunks'
trying to have sex with his 'lady hedge'"
(Telegraph)
* "Police find 'man covered in blood' was
smothered in jam" (Dailypost)
* "Egyptian zoo 'paints donkey to pass it off
as a zebra'" (Telegraph, again)
If you've spotted a good headline then tell us:
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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Trump's face is the second thing that pops up if
you Google image search "idiot" or "moron" but
sadly only fifth for "wanker"
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: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
Sponsored Patreon
We reckon 99% of readers probably have legs.
And most people who have legs probably want to
cover them in some trousers. Speak to Hebtro.
They'll sort you the fuck out.
https://hebtro.co/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our "mates"*
* GOOGLE WEBCAM TOY - this full-body mapping
thingie attempts to follow your body and copy
the pose. It'll make you look like an arsehole
in the office anyway.
https://experiments.withgoogle.com/collection/ai/m...
* ROCKSTAR PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE - where the
code is also song lyrics. Worth a read - funny
in a nerdy way.
https://github.com/dylanbeattie/rockstar
* ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 is the most perfect
bit of film music ever written. In itself it's
just a chunky bit of keyboard bass but stick it
on almost any footage and suddenly it’s a tense
movie scene. Seriously, we've just bunged it on
some camera test footage of some cats and it
still works.
https://tubedubber.com/
* DANK MEMES BOT - train a neural net on memes
and then have it caption new images.
https://blogs.nvidia.com/blog/2018/07/18/deep-lear...
* EERIE WIKIPEDIA PAGE - 1975 tube crash that
killed 43 people and no one knows why it
happened.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moorgate_tube_crash
* DAILY BLINDFOLDED DRAWINGS - cute little idea
where some dude blindfolds themself and draws
every day.
https://dbd.rtgp.xyz/
* A lie. We have no mates. We're Internet shut-ins.
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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
Sponsored Patreon
Do you need some PR in your life? Best call ED.
https://twitter.com/edzitron
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: "I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE"
B3ta user Wiggys has written a highbrow gag
"I can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after
just Four Seasons..."
Can you beat it? And we don't mean your penis.
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenaj...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Free ideas to encourage you to send us shit
* TORMENTING COMEDIAN BOT - a bot that @s
comedians and makes them panic going "Looking
forward to show in [random town] tonight". No,
don't do this. Really.
* REALISTIC INTERNET SIMULATOR 2.0 - a HTML5
remake of the B3ta classic with endless cookie
and GDPR pop-ups.
* PARKLIFE BOT - Looks for tweets that have
high character count and low word count and
quote tweets with "Parklife!" (There's also
probably a minor Youtube hit in sticking Danny
Dyer lines over Parklife.)
And, if you do make some stuff, be like Billy Joel and TELL US ABOUT IT.
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: CREDITS
Newsletter written by Rob Manuel.
Top tip via $$.
Site thanks Wil, Kris, Monkeon, HappyToast.
Submissions: banaan.
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: PATREON THANKS
They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.
*THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
*JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
*KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
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WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER
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: B3TA SOCIAL MEDIA PROMOTIONAL SECTION
Report B3ta to the internet police NOW!
Apparently most social media sits on a big
block of AI code so if you want to see less
B3ta crap in your timeline report, block and
mute us now. It's the only way to be sure.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
http://www.friendsreunited.co.uk/b3ta
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: BONUS "HITLER OR JACOB REES-MOGG QUIZ"
Right-wing extremist or a former German leader?
It's said that Jacob Rees-Mogg Quiz looks like
a child who got his father to buy five million
bars of Wonka's chocolate so he'd win the
golden ticket, who then stole some shrinking
chewing gum and had to be put into a chewing
machine to be stretched back.
And we're pleased to report that NiceButDim has
abused the Survey Monkey platform to try and
deliver you a Rees or Nazi quiz. Which isn't
the best way to do it but we like the idea.
Maybe try Playbuzz next time. Or ask Monkeon if
you can borrow one of his old scripts.
https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/NDMXBWJ
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TOP TIP:
Sweetcorn kernels make ideal tooth replacements
for chain smokers who've been fighting.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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: ANY OTHER BUSINESS?
Other than the
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