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NEWSLETTER: "THE SEVENTH FUNNIEST INTERNET NEWSLETTER IN BRITAIN. MAYBE EIGHTH."

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"THE SEVENTH FUNNIEST INTERNET NEWSLETTER IN BRITAIN. MAYBE EIGHTH." 
This Week:
* TRUMP - Secret tape revealed!
* CHALLENGE - Tonight is the night when "2 films become 1"
* CODE - Become a rockstar programmer. For real.

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving our nips    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   to beat the heatwave
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      ...together" 

B3ta electronic-email no. 687  - 27 July 2018

Read this issue in your E.L. Whisty boring voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue687

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: SECRET TRUMP TAPE EXCLUSIVE
  Hold the front page dot com

  Apparently there's bumper stickers saying "the
  pee tape is real" but B3ta informant S4RK
  reckons they've got "Footage from tape
  discovered by staff at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel -
  found stuffed into a brown envelope marked
  '4VP'"
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Security_Tape_177_6_cls_4VP

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May we all live long enough that our first names
becomes comic if you gave them to a baby.

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: PINKY & PERKY SING YOUR MP3s
  An interactive toy from Monkeon dot co dot uk
 
  King of quirky quizzes Mr Monkeon has made a
  toy that speeds up your MP3s and makes TV
  legends Pinky and Perky dance to them.

  (We were slightly worried that modern readers
  wouldn't know what an MP3 was but then we
  remembered they wouldn't know who Pinky and
  Perky is either.)
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/pinkyandperky/

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The main flaw of Nineteen Eighty-Four is Orwell's
failure to predict Wham's domination of Top Of
The Pops.

-------------------------------------------------

: THE RETURN OF WEEBL AND BOB
  Yes, he came back and he still wants pie

  We haven't mentioned Jonti 'Weebl' Picking for
  a bit but we just checked in and we're pleased
  to report he's revived Weebl & Bob!

  "It's is an accidental Weebl and Bob written
  while I was mean to be making a new Savlonic
  track", says Jonti 'it's a snake' Picking, "It
  just sort of happened. But I don't regret it."

  Wow. It's like 2002 never stopped and it's made
  us want to dig out Flash 5.0 and start tweening
  again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuUhT2_JmZg

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1971: Maggie Thatcher = milk snatcher

2018: Theresa May, thieves au lait

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Sorry Adobe, we're back on our bullshit

  This week we've got a simple, let's say
  classic, challenge for you: mash up two films.
  You know the score: Annie Hall Get Your Gun.
  But funny. So fire up Corel Draw and Paintshop
  Pro the shit out of it.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmcombo2/

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: MENU FAILS
  Because it's 1976 and Ingrish is still funny

  @xpeasmanx writes, "I made this Twitter account
  for Google Translate menu fails. I think it's
  piss funny, but then I would wouldn't I?"
https://twitter.com/menufails

-------------------------------------------------

Untested pop theory: individual artists are more
likely to go big than bands these days coz it's
difficult to fit a photo of band into a portrait
format that works well on a phone.

-------------------------------------------------

: HEADLINE(S) OF THE WEEK
  Actual sentences spotted on the World Wide Web

  * "Topiarist woken up by 'vicious drunks'
  trying to have sex with his 'lady hedge'"
  (Telegraph)

  * "Police find 'man covered in blood' was
  smothered in jam" (Dailypost)

  * "Egyptian zoo 'paints donkey to pass it off
  as a zebra'" (Telegraph, again)

  If you've spotted a good headline then tell us:
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

Trump's face is the second thing that pops up if
you Google image search "idiot" or "moron" but
sadly only fifth for "wanker"

-------------------------------------------------

: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
  Sponsored Patreon

  We reckon 99% of readers probably have legs.
  And most people who have legs probably want to
  cover them in some trousers. Speak to Hebtro.
  They'll sort you the fuck out.
https://hebtro.co/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our "mates"*

  * GOOGLE WEBCAM TOY - this full-body mapping
  thingie attempts to follow your body and copy
  the pose. It'll make you look like an arsehole
  in the office anyway.
https://experiments.withgoogle.com/collection/ai/move-mirror/view/mirror


  * ROCKSTAR PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE - where the
  code is also song lyrics. Worth a read - funny
  in a nerdy way.
https://github.com/dylanbeattie/rockstar


  * ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 is the most perfect
  bit of film music ever written. In itself it's
  just a chunky bit of keyboard bass but stick it
  on almost any footage and suddenly itís a tense
  movie scene. Seriously, we've just bunged it on
  some camera test footage of some cats and it
  still works.
https://tubedubber.com/?q=WRX9SX-QltA:i5UU2TxOcZs:0:100:0:12:1


  * DANK MEMES BOT - train a neural net on memes
  and then have it caption new images. 
https://blogs.nvidia.com/blog/2018/07/18/deep-learning-generating-memes/


  * EERIE WIKIPEDIA PAGE - 1975 tube crash that
  killed 43 people and no one knows why it
  happened.
 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moorgate_tube_crash 


  * DAILY BLINDFOLDED DRAWINGS - cute little idea
  where some dude blindfolds themself and draws
  every day.
https://dbd.rtgp.xyz/

  * A lie. We have no mates. We're Internet shut-ins.

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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
  Sponsored Patreon

  Do you need some PR in your life? Best call ED.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

-------------------------------------------------

: "I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE"
  B3ta user Wiggys has written a highbrow gag

  "I can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after
  just Four Seasons..."

  Can you beat it? And we don't mean your penis.
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/all/

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Free ideas to encourage you to send us shit

  * TORMENTING COMEDIAN BOT - a bot that @s
  comedians and makes them panic going "Looking
  forward to show in [random town] tonight". No,
  don't do this. Really.

  * REALISTIC INTERNET SIMULATOR 2.0 - a HTML5
  remake of the B3ta classic with endless cookie
  and GDPR pop-ups.

  * PARKLIFE BOT - Looks for tweets that have
  high character count and low word count and
  quote tweets with "Parklife!" (There's also
  probably a minor Youtube hit in sticking Danny
  Dyer lines over Parklife.)

  And, if you do make some stuff, be like Billy Joel and TELL US ABOUT IT.
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDITS
  Newsletter written by Rob Manuel. 
  Top tip via $$.
  Site thanks Wil, Kris, Monkeon, HappyToast.
  Submissions: banaan.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.

  *THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
  *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
  COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
  IAN SHEEN, NEIL HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW
  FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
  GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY,
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  LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN,
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  WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
  CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER

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  Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
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  Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
  Stéphane.

  Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
  don't, please consider it.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA SOCIAL MEDIA PROMOTIONAL SECTION
  Report B3ta to the internet police NOW!
  
  Apparently most social media sits on a big
  block of AI code so if you want to see less
  B3ta crap in your timeline report, block and
  mute us now. It's the only way to be sure.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
http://www.friendsreunited.co.uk/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: BONUS "HITLER OR JACOB REES-MOGG QUIZ" 
  Right-wing extremist or a former German leader?

  It's said that Jacob Rees-Mogg Quiz looks like
  a child who got his father to buy five million
  bars of Wonka's chocolate so he'd win the
  golden ticket, who then stole some shrinking
  chewing gum and had to be put into a chewing
  machine to be stretched back.

  And we're pleased to report that NiceButDim has
  abused the Survey Monkey platform to try and
  deliver you a Rees or Nazi quiz. Which isn't
  the best way to do it but we like the idea.
  Maybe try Playbuzz next time. Or ask Monkeon if
  you can borrow one of his old scripts.
https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/NDMXBWJ

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Sweetcorn kernels make ideal tooth replacements
  for chain smokers who've been fighting.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/  

-------------------------------------------------

: ANY OTHER BUSINESS?
  Other than the 

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https://www.b3ta.com/subscribe/

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<unsubscribe>You don't want cancer do you?</unsubscribe>

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https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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