NEWSLETTER: "SPACE FORCE RECRUITMENT DRIVE"
"Space Force recruitment drive"
This Week:
* BOT - Random pages from the poppermost Smash Hits
* TOY - 5,000 movie mash-ups on every click
* BEANO - It was a bit racist in the past, oops
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're typing words into
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the internet and hoping
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| you'll read them"
B3ta wap communication 689 - 10 August 2018
Read this issue whilst smelling of ham:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue689
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: PEOPLE WITH FUNNY NAMES
Not quite "question of the week" but sort of
We asked on Twitter for you to tell us about
the people you've met with funny names.
* "The woman who recruited me into the NHS was
called Jean Pool." (@cowjam)
* "When I worked at the dole office in the
1980s, I had a client called Mr Wanker. Asked
if he would consider changing his name if it
would help him find work, he sat up straight
and said he was 'a Wanker and proud'. I had to
leave the room." (@alistaircoleman)
* "A man at a car hire desk in California had a
name badge that said Rusty Colon. He caught me
taking a photo and just sighed."
(@christhebarker)
* "Before my uncle had a word with mum my
sister was very nearly called Helen." (Philip
Bak @niinegames)
* "I once debated the legalisation of cannabis
on local radio against a conservative party
activist called Prudence Daly." (@bengoldacre)
More on the thread - actually about 500 plus.
https://twitter.com/b3ta/status/102721557963413094...
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Crazy Horses / best of all the animals
Crazy Horses / they're my friends
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: MOVIE MASH-UP GENERATOR
Because doing this by hand is so 2005
"I took over 5000 movie titles," writes Sir
Monkeon of Monkford, "and wrote a script to
generate all the times where the ending of one
title blends into the start of another."
* "A BOY AND HIS DOG DAY AFTERNOON"
* "DIRTY HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE"
* "THREE COLOURS: WHITE HOUSE DOWN"
More, so much more at:
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/moviemashup/
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Queer eye but it's just five nerds looking at
your code and shaking their heads.
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: RANDOM SMASHHITS BOT
Pages from pop 1978-1987
"I've made a bot that posts random pages from
Smash Hits," writes your silver-haired
Mussolini, "I quite like it for a number of
reasons, including using it as inspiration for
what to type into Spotify."
https://twitter.com/randomsmashhits
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Star Trek movie elevator pitches:
Trek I: What if Trek came back with a huge FX
budget?
Trek II: What if Spock died?
Trek III: What if Spock came back?
Trek IV: What if they time-travelled to the 20th
Century?
Trek V: What if they went on holiday? Maybe a bit
of camping & a sing-song?
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: REVIEW OF THE FIRST BEANO
Happy 80th Birthday Gnasher!
Ambegris has dug out the first Beano from 80
years ago and given it a review. And... it's a
bit racist. Still, probably for the best that
they stopped using a black child eating a
watermelon as their official mascot. Don't want
to encourage Boris.
https://the-slipper.blogspot.com/2018/08/the-beano...
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CV writing tips:
* Titling it "Curriculum Vitae" looks dead clever
like you know French
* Most recruiters treat the whole thing as a
dating pool so include a dick pic
* Include any hobbies you have like "writing
tweets" or "Netflix and chill"
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: TECH HACKS
Telephone Elmo
LP writes, "For no good reason, I've connected
a Tickle-Me-Elmo to the telephone exchange that
I happen to have in my house. So, I can phone
it and he'll laugh down the phone at me."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Telephone_Elmo:2
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
The tale of the cornflake
"Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was a
serial complainer/consumer terrorist.
"She used to fire letters of complaint off to
all manner of unsuspecting companies regarding
their shoddy wares, or in this case, food. The
usual response was a fistful of money off
vouchers or a cheque from the unsuspecting
complaint to calm her fevered brow.
"Anyway, one day, Kellogg’s appeared on her
radar because they'd committed the heinous
crime of palming a large box of cornflakes off
on the unsuspecting masses (in this case her)
with a burnt cornflake in it.
"The sternly worded letter of complaint was
duly written and dispatched post haste to those
fine people at Kellogg’s. She really went to
town on them over how outrageous it was that
such a fine upstanding company should be
peddling this sub standard filth on the general
public and what were they going to do about it
regarding compensating her for this impurity in
her breakfast cereal?
Their response?
A "With Compliments" slip with a single
replacement cornflake taped to the top right
hand corner." (frightfullybored)
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: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
Sponsored Patreon
We reckon 99% of our readers probably have
legs. And most people who have legs probably
want to cover them in some trousers. Speak to
Hebtro. They'll sort you the shit out.
https://hebtro.co/
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: EVERY SHIT YOU'LL EVER DO
Catalogued in list form
Mikeisbrill writes, "I was commissioned to
write this by a fairly well-known website
which, upon completion, changed their mind and
didn't want it anymore. Fair enough, I reckon.
Still, it took me a while, so I made it look a
bit fancy and HTML5-y."
http://mikerampton.com/everyshit/
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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
Not Clickbait Robot, actual journalism
* "Woman finds raccoon in back garden, local
raccoon owner says 'It's complicated'"
(Liverpool Echo)
* "Rangers fans kicked boy's sand castle"
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
* "Christmas assault followed sprout fight"
(Milford Mercury)
Compiled this week by Scary Duck - join his
Facebook group "Angry People in Local
Newspapers" NOW:
https://www.facebook.com/angrypeopleinlocalnewspap...
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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
Sponsored Patreon
Do you need some PR in your life? Best call ED.
https://twitter.com/edzitron
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: SITES IN BEEF DRIPPING
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* EVER HEARD OF THE "BBC DIP"? Nope, it's not
dickheads moaning we should dump the BBC, but a
quite interesting nerdy video about the EQing
you have to do in the frequency range on
speakers. Really.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* EVERY TWITTER POLL EVER - like voting in
polls? This link should give you a list to a
load of Twitter polls that you have no business
in voting in.
http://bit.ly/2Otu7Oa
* IF MOVIES ENDED LIKE YOUTUBE VIDEOS - "What's
up guys, remember to like and subscribe"
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* MAKING A DRUM OUT OF ANALOGUE TAPE - this
looks like a fun thing to play.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Tape_Tapping
* OBI WAN KENOBI GOES FOR A SHIT - "My son
spotted this" coughs barst.
https://twitter.com/Uncleskinny/status/10261887043...
* RUDE MAP - jameslloydwilliams has sent in a
Google map of rude place names, "It's a bit
rude at times, which could be funny if you're
really childish." Shame we don't know anyone
like that.
http://maps.geotastic.org/rude/
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++ PIG BREEDS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE FONTS ++
Aksai Black Pied
Basque
Beijing Black
Breitovo
British Landrace
Chato Murciano
Iberian
Juliana
Mangalitsa
++ FONTS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE PIG BREEDS ++
Cholla Slab
Gloucester
Granjon
Perpetua
Rockwell
Cloister Black
Wilson Greek
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Do a project and we'll tell the world. Maybe
* YOUR FAMOUS SCHOOLMATES FINDER-OUTER - Your
newsletter editor is two months older than Alex
Jones which means he would have been in his
year at school, along with Robbie Williams,
Kate Moss and Ryan Giggs.
* REWRITE SONGS TO BE ABOUT VACUUM CLEANERS -
"I like to hoove it hoove it / I like to hoove
it hoove it / hoove it!"
* A COUNTDOWN CLOCK UNTIL ALEX JONES IS BANNED
FROM TWITTER - he's so obviously going to be
banned and Twitter is just pouring away good
will by dragging their feet about it.
Send your stuff to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: NEWSLETTER CREDIT CRAWL
Thanks to Wil, Kris, Prestidigitus, Alistair
Coleman, artifus, Happy Toast & Monkeon.
Proofing by @divstivs & @lenirtpls. Subjlol via
@FinchWrites.
Newsletter written by Rob Manuel in a
monospaced font on Google docs and BBEdit.
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: SOCIAL MEDIA BOLLOCKS
Coz it is bollocks isn't it?
Facebook is fucking useless for traffic and
Twitter is full of Nazis so join the 27 people
who follow us on Mastodon instead.
https://mastodon.social/@b3ta
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
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: PATREON THANKS
They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.
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TOP TIP:
Kids love seeing their names spelled out in
Alphabetti Spaghetti. But it's more expensive
than Spaghetti Hoops. Keep the little buggers
happy and save cash by naming them
OOOOOOOOOOOOO. (krang)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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