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NEWSLETTER: "SPACE FORCE RECRUITMENT DRIVE"

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"Space Force recruitment drive"
This Week:
* BOT - Random pages from the poppermost Smash Hits
* TOY - 5,000 movie mash-ups on every click
* BEANO - It was a bit racist in the past, oops

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're typing words into     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the internet and hoping
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    you'll read them"

B3ta wap communication 689  - 10 August 2018

Read this issue whilst smelling of ham:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue689

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: PEOPLE WITH FUNNY NAMES
  Not quite "question of the week" but sort of

  We asked on Twitter for you to tell us about
  the people you've met with funny names.

  * "The woman who recruited me into the NHS was
  called Jean Pool." (@cowjam)

  * "When I worked at the dole office in the
  1980s, I had a client called Mr Wanker. Asked
  if he would consider changing his name if it
  would help him find work, he sat up straight
  and said he was 'a Wanker and proud'.  I had to
  leave the room." (@alistaircoleman)

  * "A man at a car hire desk in California had a
  name badge that said Rusty Colon. He caught me
  taking a photo and just sighed."
  (@christhebarker)

  * "Before my uncle had a word with mum my
  sister was very nearly called Helen." (Philip
  Bak @niinegames)

  * "I once debated the legalisation of cannabis
  on local radio against a conservative party
  activist called Prudence Daly." (@bengoldacre)

  More on the thread - actually about 500 plus.
https://twitter.com/b3ta/status/1027215579634130945

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Crazy Horses / best of all the animals 
Crazy Horses / they're my friends

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: MOVIE MASH-UP GENERATOR
  Because doing this by hand is so 2005

  "I took over 5000 movie titles," writes Sir
  Monkeon of Monkford, "and wrote a script to
  generate all the times where the ending of one
  title blends into the start of another."


  * "A BOY AND HIS DOG DAY AFTERNOON"
  * "DIRTY HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE"
  * "THREE COLOURS: WHITE HOUSE DOWN"

  More, so much more at:
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/moviemashup/

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Queer eye but it's just five nerds looking at
your code and shaking their heads.

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: RANDOM SMASHHITS BOT
  Pages from pop 1978-1987 

  "I've made a bot that posts random pages from
  Smash Hits," writes your silver-haired
  Mussolini, "I quite like it for a number of
  reasons, including using it as inspiration for
  what to type into Spotify."
https://twitter.com/randomsmashhits

-------------------------------------------------

Star Trek movie elevator pitches:

Trek I: What if Trek came back with a huge FX
budget?

Trek II: What if Spock died?

Trek III: What if Spock came back?

Trek IV: What if they time-travelled to the 20th
Century?

Trek V: What if they went on holiday? Maybe a bit
of camping & a sing-song?

-------------------------------------------------

: REVIEW OF THE FIRST BEANO
  Happy 80th Birthday Gnasher!

  Ambegris has dug out the first Beano from 80
  years ago and given it a review. And... it's a
  bit racist. Still, probably for the best that
  they stopped using a black child eating a
  watermelon as their official mascot. Don't want
  to encourage Boris.
https://the-slipper.blogspot.com/2018/08/the-beano-issue-1-not-for-vegans.html

-------------------------------------------------

CV writing tips:

* Titling it "Curriculum Vitae" looks dead clever
like you know French

* Most recruiters treat the whole thing as a
dating pool so include a dick pic

* Include any hobbies you have like "writing
tweets" or "Netflix and chill"

-------------------------------------------------

: TECH HACKS
  Telephone Elmo 

  LP writes, "For no good reason, I've connected
  a Tickle-Me-Elmo to the telephone exchange that
  I happen to have in my house. So, I can phone
  it and he'll laugh down the phone at me."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Telephone_Elmo:2

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
  The tale of the cornflake

  "Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was a
  serial complainer/consumer terrorist.

  "She used to fire letters of complaint off to
  all manner of unsuspecting companies regarding
  their shoddy wares, or in this case, food. The
  usual response was a fistful of money off
  vouchers or a cheque from the unsuspecting
  complaint to calm her fevered brow.

  "Anyway, one day, Kellogg’s appeared on her
  radar because they'd committed the heinous
  crime of palming a large box of cornflakes off
  on the unsuspecting masses (in this case her)
  with a burnt cornflake in it.

  "The sternly worded letter of complaint was
  duly written and dispatched post haste to those
  fine people at Kellogg’s. She really went to
  town on them over how outrageous it was that
  such a fine upstanding company should be
  peddling this sub standard filth on the general
  public and what were they going to do about it
  regarding compensating her for this impurity in
  her breakfast cereal?

  Their response?

  A "With Compliments" slip with a single
  replacement cornflake taped to the top right
  hand corner." (frightfullybored)

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: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
  Sponsored Patreon

  We reckon 99% of our readers probably have
  legs. And most people who have legs probably
  want to cover them in some trousers. Speak to
  Hebtro. They'll sort you the shit out.
https://hebtro.co/

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: EVERY SHIT YOU'LL EVER DO
  Catalogued in list form
  
  Mikeisbrill writes, "I was commissioned to
  write this by a fairly well-known website
  which, upon completion, changed their mind and
  didn't want it anymore. Fair enough, I reckon.
  Still, it took me a while, so I made it look a
  bit fancy and HTML5-y."
http://mikerampton.com/everyshit/

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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  Not Clickbait Robot, actual journalism

  * "Woman finds raccoon in back garden, local
  raccoon owner says 'It's complicated'"
  (Liverpool Echo)

  * "Rangers fans kicked boy's sand castle"
  (Aberdeen Evening Express)

  * "Christmas assault followed sprout fight"
  (Milford Mercury)

  Compiled this week by Scary Duck - join his
  Facebook group "Angry People in Local
  Newspapers" NOW:
https://www.facebook.com/angrypeopleinlocalnewspapers/

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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
  Sponsored Patreon

  Do you need some PR in your life? Best call ED.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

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: SITES IN BEEF DRIPPING
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * EVER HEARD OF THE "BBC DIP"? Nope, it's not
  dickheads moaning we should dump the BBC, but a
  quite interesting nerdy video about the EQing
  you have to do in the frequency range on
  speakers. Really.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CM_wAT4rBKg

  * EVERY TWITTER POLL EVER - like voting in
  polls? This link should give you a list to a
  load of Twitter polls that you have no business
  in voting in.
http://bit.ly/2Otu7Oa

  * IF MOVIES ENDED LIKE YOUTUBE VIDEOS - "What's
  up guys, remember to like and subscribe"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRf5gMTDdcU
  
  * MAKING A DRUM OUT OF ANALOGUE TAPE - this
  looks like a fun thing to play.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Tape_Tapping

  * OBI WAN KENOBI GOES FOR A SHIT - "My son
  spotted this" coughs barst.
https://twitter.com/Uncleskinny/status/1026188704338128896

  * RUDE MAP - jameslloydwilliams has sent in a
  Google map of rude place names, "It's a bit
  rude at times, which could be funny if you're
  really childish." Shame we don't know anyone
  like that.
http://maps.geotastic.org/rude/

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++ PIG BREEDS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE FONTS ++

Aksai Black Pied
Basque
Beijing Black
Breitovo
British Landrace
Chato Murciano
Iberian
Juliana
Mangalitsa

++ FONTS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE PIG BREEDS ++

Cholla Slab
Gloucester
Granjon
Perpetua
Rockwell
Cloister Black
Wilson Greek

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Do a project and we'll tell the world. Maybe

  * YOUR FAMOUS SCHOOLMATES FINDER-OUTER - Your
  newsletter editor is two months older than Alex
  Jones which means he would have been in his
  year at school, along with Robbie Williams,
  Kate Moss and Ryan Giggs.

  * REWRITE SONGS TO BE ABOUT VACUUM CLEANERS -
  "I like to hoove it hoove it / I like to hoove
  it hoove it / hoove it!"

  * A COUNTDOWN CLOCK UNTIL ALEX JONES IS BANNED
  FROM TWITTER - he's so obviously going to be
  banned and Twitter is just pouring away good
  will by dragging their feet about it.

  Send your stuff to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: NEWSLETTER CREDIT CRAWL

  Thanks to Wil, Kris, Prestidigitus, Alistair
  Coleman, artifus, Happy Toast & Monkeon.
  Proofing by @divstivs & @lenirtpls. Subjlol via
  @FinchWrites.

  Newsletter written by Rob Manuel in a
  monospaced font on Google docs and BBEdit.

-------------------------------------------------

: SOCIAL MEDIA BOLLOCKS
  Coz it is bollocks isn't it?
  
  Facebook is fucking useless for traffic and
  Twitter is full of Nazis so join the 27 people
  who follow us on Mastodon instead. 
https://mastodon.social/@b3ta
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.

  *THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
  *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
  COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
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  TOP TIP:

  Kids love seeing their names spelled out in
  Alphabetti Spaghetti. But it's more expensive
  than Spaghetti Hoops. Keep the little buggers
  happy and save cash by naming them
  OOOOOOOOOOOOO. (krang)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/  

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