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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S REALLY THICK AND LIVES ON A GLOBE? A FLAT EARTHER."

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This Week:
* GAME - Amateur Hacker Simulator
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Films with wrong plurals
* TOY CAR RESTORATION VIDEOS - so relaxing...

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Jesus saves with
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   the Woolwich"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 692  - 2nd September 2018

Read this issue whilst sniffing Sellotape:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue692

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: TRUMP INSULT MACHINE
  Tweety Gaddafi vs Tangerine Zedong

  Pineapplecharm writes, "Some friends and I
  noticed that all the best euphemisms for the
  Inglorious Leader follow the rough format of
  [orange/pathetic] [tyrant surname]. The
  obvious, Javascript-powered result is The
  Trumponym Insult Rolodex. Further suggestions
  for the two lists is welcomed. After all there
  are only 288 possible insults so far, which is
  not the yugest it could be. Ask anybody." 
http://theshitestuff.com/trumponyms.php 

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What's the biggest lie you've ever heard?

* "We value your privacy"
* "You won't see this as often" - Twitter
* "£350m funding for the NHS"
* "You have unsubscribed from this newsletter"
* "I'm just staying for one pint."
* "We've got no magic money tree"
* "No doctor, I don't smoke, drink or take drugs..."
* "I'm not tired" - My son. Every bedtime.
https://twitter.com/b3ta/status/1034767143911469056

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: AMATEUR HACKER SIMULATOR
  Do NOT use 'secret' as your password, ok dad?

  Monkeon has stuck some of the stuff he
  developed for UsVsTh3m back online and we're
  highlighting this one as we remember it doing
  about 300,000 uniques after it got onto
  Reddit's Internet Is Beautiful. The trick is to
  type some obvious passwords.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/amateurhackersimulator/

  Monkeon has some of his other older stuff up
  and it's all worth a look.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/workforothers.php

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: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
  Sponsored Patreon

  Do you remember what it was like before Hebtro
  invented trousers? Men walked around in shorts.
  Make sure that never happens again:
https://hebtro.co/

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: BIRMINGHAM BUS SIMULATOR BOT
  
  Jon Bounders writes - "This week I made a
  Twitter bot. It simulates the experience of
  being on the number 11 outer circle bus in
  Birmingham. It's a great bus: 280 stops, 26
  mile route, 2 1/2 hours round to back where you
  started from. You can treat it a bit like a
  game, pick a destination in Brum and follow it
  until you see your stop come up, and then stand
  up and get off."
https://twitter.com/@RideThe11

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Getting a lobotomy is a no brainer
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
  I Witnessed A Crime

  "Many years ago, some of my friends used to do
  the rubber-sword live action RP - dressing up
  as orcs and running about in the woods hitting
  each other, that sort of thing.

  "One Sunday a group of four or five were
  driving back in a van from an event where they
  had been playing Knights Templar when, driving
  past a bus stop, they happened to see some
  bloke pushing a girl about.

  "I often wonder what went through the minds of
  the bloke and girl as a battered transit van
  pulled up next to them and a gang of knights in
  shining armour piled out. They restrained the
  bloke, hailed a cab and paid for it to take the
  girl home, and then gave the man a short
  homily: 'Remember, son, hitting women is wrong
  - and we're watching', before leaping back into
  the van and screeching away. (davywavy)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/witness/

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: WHIMSICAL ANIMATION DUDE
  And there's lots of them

  Chipping Sodbury has been sticking up amusing
  animations on our links board for a while, but
  as they're often about 6 seconds long we've
  never linked them but we've just realised we
  can link the channel. Doh. Check them out as
  they're charming and funny.
https://www.instagram.com/garrattwilliam/

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Lennon - Slytherin
Paul - Gryffindor
George - Ravenclaw
Ringo - Hufflepuff

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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
  Sponsored Patreon

  Ed does PR stuff and if you want some PR then
  ED is your guy. Everybody loves PR right? 
https://www.edzitron.com/

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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  Sentences from the world's finest journalists
 
  * "Olympic gold medallist who hired dog sitter
  with app comes home to find her with shirtless
  men, lube and a video camera" (Daily Mirror)

  * "Girl, four, hurt by Gruffalo at country
  park" (Hereford Times)

  * "Police hunt 'abusive and hostile' paraglider
  after two-year reign of terror on Sussex
  seaside town" (Portsmouth News)

   Compiled by a man called Scaryduck.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDLK/b3ta-21

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: SOCIAL MEDIA BLOCKER
  Fuck off twitter and do some work

  Wgmyers writes, "Spend less time on social
  media with anti-social, my new Firefox plugin:
  Core features: a snooze button that gives you
  ten minutes to faff about scrolling and
  clicking, then blocks you again and disables
  itself for the next hour; also a weekly
  schedule, so you can auto-unblock at lunchtime,
  weekends, Thursdays, etc." Good stuff and now
  we need one for Chrome.
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-GB/firefox/addon/anti-social-blocker/

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Come and join us on Mastodon. We've made a
special B3ta instance and @Ashens, @TheWeebl and
@mattround have joined.
https://b3ta.social/invite/ryRFwGtL

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: WEIRD MUSIC LOOPS
  Indulge your newsletter editor ok?

  Your newsletter editor spent some time earlier
  this year making loops of well known music
  going in and out of sync and listening to them
  in the gym. "Find it clears my mind a bit from
  all the screens & endless information. Space
  out to the loop and follow a train of thought."
  he writes.
https://soundcloud.com/robmanuel/sets/gym-core-weird-loops-to-zone

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  British Computer games

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * "DALEY! I'M BLIND MAN!" by HappyToast
http://b3ta.com/board/11264246

  * "LAST ONE" by Dick Wonder
http://b3ta.com/board/11264363

  * "WHAT A GAY DAY!" by monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11264315

  * See all the other images from the 'British
  Computer games' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/britishcomputergames/popular/

  >> This week: Wrong Plurals - Films <<
  We're putting the wrong plurals on films this
  week, change multiples to singles and vice
  versa. So give us your Jaw, your Schindler's
  Lists and your Alfred Hitchcock's The Bird.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/wrongpluralfilms/popular/

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: HOW TO GET YOUR STUFF IN THIS NEWSLETTER
  Simple really, post on /links/
  
  All you have to do is post your thingie-bob on
  our links board and if the community and or the
  site editors like it then you'll appear here.
  Go on, join in, but don't post and run, hang
  around and chat a bit else the regulars get
  arsey. 
http://b3ta.com/links/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  * RUSSIAN ROULETTE GAME - Delay Tactics writes,
  ""RussianRoulette.io is an addictive and
  surprisingly strategic browser based
  multiplayer Russian Roulette game that sees you
  gambling with your life to earn cash."
http://www.russianroulette.io/ 

  * TOY CAR RESTORATION VIDEOS - why is this
  newsletter late? We've just realised there's
  videos of people restoring Matchbox toy cars on
  YouTube and it's the most mellow thing ever, so
  satisfying seeing a crappy old toy being
  lovingly returned to almost new. Seriously.
  This stuff is therapy. It's like that bit in
  Toy Story 2 where the toy restorer fixes Woody.
  Perfection. And we've literally spent all
  weekend watching this stuff.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3pYwSAjO7I

  * HACKING STORY - There's something appealing
  about little bots stepping into save each other
  from this story of mid 1970s computing. 
https://www.cs.utah.edu/~elb/folklore/xerox.txt

  * IAN CURTIS RIDES A ROLLERCOASTER - old but
  gold funny, who can resist this gag?
http://b3ta.com/links/1496803

  * THE BEST BAD TRANSLATION MENU YOU'LL EVER
  READ - cheese with cheese please and a side
  order of thickness knits.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DlYjucqX0AAWBV4.jpg

  * BADGERS VS DOCTOR WHO - "Remember that
  #Badgers song?", tweets @reverend61a, "The one
  by Jonti Picking, also known as @TheWeebl?
  According to a questionable internet source,
  it's 15 years old. And thus I've marked the
  occasion by marrying it with an obvious
  #DoctorWho story. Hail Pertwee!"
https://youtu.be/BgG9a1ATVrM

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I asked my friend why she was dating a homeless
man who looked like Elvis. She replied: "I'm
courting a tramp, I can't walk out" (Smash Monkey)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some cheap ideas to get you inspired

  * SCHOOL BULLY BOT - randomly reply to people
  called Annie and ask if they're ok? Tell people
  called Andy that they "kissed the girls and
  made them cry"

  * ALEXA FUCK UPS - There needs to be
  compilation of all the artist names that Alexa
  gets slightly wrong. Apparently we're currently
  listening to Eight Hundred And Eight State.

  * AN OFF SWITCH FOR CHILDREN - ok this was a
  Douglas Adams joke but blimey he had a point
  didn't he?

  Send us your bollocks:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: CREDIT TO THE NATION

  @AndiTails, How To Steal Stuff by Rob Manuel,
  Suggestions by Monkeon and Matt Round, site
  support from Happy Toast & Wil & Kris. Proofing
  from tuqueboy. Subjlols via Graham Coxon out of
  Blur.

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: PATREON THANKS

  They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.

  *THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
  *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
  COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
  IAN SHEEN, NEIL HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW
  FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
  GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY,
  BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO APPS, CHRIS
  LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN,
  RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7 DEATH, TOM
  WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
  CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER

  They bought a mention: Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan,
  lee burnett, Peter Cooper, Rebecca McManus, Bex
  Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies, George
  Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
  Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
  Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
  Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus McKay, Steve herman,
  Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
  Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas ,
  unklefiction , Chris Gough, fourstar , Jonty
  Wareing, Basel Kirmani, Montocat , Rob Affleck,
  Rhys Wynne, Matt Machell, Marina de Joslin,
  Jasper Koning, Ryan Rhodes, Chris Whitworth,
  James Macinnes, Geoff Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel
  Chote, Geoffrey Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
  Mark Wilson, Paul Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian
  Beveridge, Alex Mastin, Raul Arreola, Faith H.
  Martin, Tim Williams, David King, Jaymie
  Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben Watson,
  Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem
  Ahmad, nicholas martin, Jim MacArthur, John
  Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy Webber, Jack
  Barton, David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon
  McDougall, Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling,
  Jason Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip
  Kinchington, Ian Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek
  ROBERTS, Robbie Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam
  Inglis, James Clayton, David Harrison, Jim
  Frayling,  Mike Middleton, Scott S. Kramer, Joe
  Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob Mahon, Paul
  Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m McN&#464;ven, Paul
  Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom Rees-Williams, David
  Mills, Martin Beer, midnightrambler , matsimpsk
  , Jim Halfpenny, Dave Tickle, Matthew Forman,
  Gareth Noyce, Chris Paterson, James Woods,
  pookong , oliver bewes, Iain , Adam Cooney, Sam
  Anderson, Albion Gray, Rupert Hull, Simon
  Henry, Simon waterfall, Paul Westerman,
  Courtenay Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy Dave,
  Martin Peache, Jerry Quartley, Bertil Hansson,
  Carl Morgan, Mark Hibbett, Daniel Brown, Rich
  Pope, John Matthews, JOHNNY WATTERS, Jamie
  Taylor, Adrian Woodfield, Stuart Ashen, Vicki
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  Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Richard
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  Darren Stanley, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain
  Ruxton, Jim Woodward, Alexander Jamieson, Tom
  Crick, Ben Burton, Peter Ashtray, Adam Atack,
  AC , Derek Law, David Catley, John Foster, Matt
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  Hill, Joe McNally, Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan
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  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, Dominic Haigh,
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  Evans, Edward Almond, James Golbey, Johnnie
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  Richard Beckett, No Reward Description: (None
  for No Reward), Nick Morgan, Rog Sharples, Ben
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  Russ Anderson, Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H,
  Andrew Anderson, Ian Silvester, Ben Webb,
  Graham Freeman, Dave Gee, Peter Keelback, Wine
  School of Philadelphia, John Griffiths, Nick
  Murdoch, Rob Potter, James Meers, 5telios ,
  Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya Kant, Jon Ramster,
  David Whittam, Jace Otting, BSG , Andrew
  Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner, Peter , Emily
  Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer, Matt Carr,
  Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard Midwinter, Neil
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  Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp, Andy Shirling,
  Fenris Games, James , Jim Lucking, mark
  madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell Webster, Sham
  Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail, Rohan , Sam
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  Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
  Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
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  Carter, Daz Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M,
  P Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
  McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
  John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
  Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
  Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
  Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
  Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
  Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
  Stéphane.

Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
don't, please consider it.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
  Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
  
  You know the score. Here's how to ignore us on
  social media.
https://b3ta.social/@b3ta
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

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TOP TIP: PARENTS - While they may seem expensive
at first, family trips to Portugal in the summer
could cut a third off your Christmas expenditure.
(peterlynch)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/  

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