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NEWSLETTER: "ISSUE 700. HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE DIDN'T INTEND TO WRITE 700 OF THESE FUCKERS"

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This Week:
* GAME - How would you spend Jeff Bezos' money?
* GIFS - Treated as the art that they are
* NONSENSE - And plenty of it

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Help save the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   by pressing CTRL+S
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   if you see a good bit"

B3ta email 700 - 26 Oct 2018

Read this issue whilst mooing like a horse:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue700

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: RANDOM KOYAANISQATSI GENERATOR 
  Arty random gifs + Philip Glass

  Monkeon writes "Koyaanisqatsi is a 1983
  wordless documentary primarily made up of slow
  motion and time-lapse footage. I wondered how
  easy it would be to make an internet version
  using random Giphy 'gifs' which have been
  tagged as slow motion or time-lapse, playing
  them along with the Philip Glass soundtrack."
  Light a big tea spliff and watch this on your
  22" CRT.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/gifaanisqatsi/

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Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy books - a guide:

1: Episodic comedy space adventure influenced by
Monty Python
2: More of this
3: Recycled Doctor Who plot
4: A quite sweet rom com 
5: I hate the thing that made me famous and I
wish I'd done something else with my life, fuck
everyone who likes this

If you want more on Hitchhiker's, listen to
one-time B3tan Ed Morrish / Martian on the Rule
Of Three podcast on this very subject. (It's very
cool and froody.)
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/rule-of-three/id1362621695

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We see the biased BBC have not covered the Brexit
protest we just left in our toilet.

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: VINTAGE BOOK COVERS
  "Buttface rides again"

  C_kick informs us that he's "nearing 100
  covers" on his fucking with pulp book covers
  Instagram account. It's nice to have a hobby.
https://www.instagram.com/vintage_covers/

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All animals can be divided into cats or dogs.

Spiders, lonesome, just chilling = cats.
Giraffes, dorky = dogs.

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: BUY HAPPY TOAST'S TARDIS T-SHIRT
  Before lawyers shut it down

  With Doctor Who claiming to Banksy ("Or am I?")
  Happy Toast has "put my Doctor Who/Banksy mash
  up 'Girl with Blue Box' picture on redbubble."
https://www.redbubble.com/people/happytoast/works/34629202-girl-with-blue-box

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You know how they stopped selling packs of 10
cigs? Should make so you can only buy 200. It
would make it difficult to give into that had "3
pints fuck it buy some fags" thing that trips
ex-smokers into smoking again. "Yes sir/madam.
200 cigs. That'll be £110 please"

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: SOME KIND OF FACEBOOK CHAT GAME
  'Bloody Slasher' Choose Your Own Adventure

  Alfie Waldron writes, "Hi! I've recently
  launched a free game that I think would make a
  great feature in your newsletter. It's called
  Another Bloody Slasher  a choose your own
  adventure game played through Facebook
  Messenger, which is inspired by all your
  favourite '90s slasher movies. Every choice has
  a consequence. Every turn could be your last.
  And in true movie style, you've got to scream,
  run and slash your way to survival." We'll be
  honest - we didn't get very far with this
  before we get fed up Facebook giving us alerts
  but we like the idea.
http://m.me/AnotherBloodySlasher

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Pedantic repliers on Twitter would be brilliant
if they were instead fixing Wikipedia.

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  This week: Animal Halloween

  Halloween is almost upon us, but why should
  humans be the only ones enjoying scary movies,
  dressing up as ghouls and stuffing ourselves
  with sweets? Let's give the animal kingdom the
  full Halloween treatment.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/animalhalloween/popular/

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"I get really angry about people with type 2
diabetes who mismanage their condition. I mean,
it's ridiculous. It's a straightforward condition
to manage, with diet and exercise or medication
if necessary. And yet, some patients neglect
their own health so much that they end up costing
the NHS a fortune with totally avoidable
consequences: heart disease, eye problems, kidney
damage... when it gets to the stage that people's
toes have to be amputated, they really are taking
the piss. I'm lack-toes intolerant."

Joke from 'The Hedgehog From Hell' - write your
own:
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/all

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: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
  Patreon ad thingie

  Do you want some PR? Maybe you want relations
  with the public? Then there's one man you
  should call and his name is ED.
https://www.ezpr.com/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  * YOU ARE JEFF BEZO - enjoyable text only game
  where you're asked to choose how you'd spend
  Jeff Bezos' money. (We'd spend it on making
  concept albums with Trevor Horn, but sadly
  there was no option for that.)
https://direkris.itch.io/you-are-jeff-bezos

  * WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HASSLED BY JOURNOS IN
  THE MIDDLE OF A PERSONAL TRAGEDY - Dan Hett is
  the brother of a victim in the Manchester
  bombings and explains, "Sorry To Bother You is
  a short video game I made about technology and
  journalists. Now you too can experience
  large-scale press intrusion from the comfort of
  your own home - every message in this game is
  real."
http://danhett.itch.io/sorry 

  * BEATLES FILM CURIO - in 1976, musical
  documentary maker Tony Palmer decided to mix
  WW2 footage and Beatles songs into a movie. The
  film bombed but Leo Sayer screaming "I Am The
  Walrus" over soldiers on fire is genuinely
  disturbing and might actually be art / a bit
  much.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQvtrmdnUO0

  * MATHS 4CHAN PROOF - a mathematical proof
  based on work first published on 4chan as a way
  to work out how to optimally watch an anime
  series. Makes you wonder what other genius is
  hiding in the wilds.
https://twitter.com/robinhouston/status/1054637891085918209

  * AI ART RIP OF - interesting story involving
  the first AI generated work of art selling for
  £400k or something mad. The interesting fact
  being that the code was taken from open source,
  from a guy I follow on twitter, and they didn't
  credit him. This guy: the story is in his
  thread. Was supposed to sell for 10k but sold
  for 400. It really pissed me off how he was not
  even mentioned in any of the news reports. He
  must be gutted
https://twitter.com/DrBeef_/status/1055285640420483073

  * CHUBBY CHECKER SINGING ABOUT DIG DUG - the
  unexpected retro game news of the week
http://namcomuseum.tumblr.com/post/179152877493/from-1982-comes-a-lost-track-intended-for-a-dig
  
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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  Sentences from the world's finest journalists
  
  * "Used condom flies out of Co-Op fridge and
  strikes shoppers" (Grimsby Telegraph)

  * "Man calls 999 because he refuses to break
  into a £10 note for 3p at petrol station"
  (Nottingham Post)

  * "Why does it smell of poo in Plymouth"
  (Plymouth Herald)

  * "Poster appears claiming seagulls are
  government surveillance drones" (Brighton
  Argus)

  * "Couple found sleeping in flat with a stolen
  sex toy and a packet of custard creams" (Dundee
  Evening Telegraph)

  * "Man advises "Don't let strippers in your
  house" after all his guns are stolen" (Fox 32)

  * "Mounties tell people to remember to lock
  their doors after couple enter wrong house,
  clean it" (Toronto GlobalNews)

  * "Train breaks down after driver honks its
  horn too much" (Edinburgh News)

  Compiled by Scaryduck. Buy his fucking book you
  fucks.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDLK/b3ta-21

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We've said it before and we'll say it again. If
you want political change in the world you need
to crowdfund assassins on the dark web to
systematically murder the CEOs of the FTSE 100
until they all agree to stop evading tax.

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make some shite and tell us
  
  * CLASSIC MOVIES FOR PHONES -  why not pan and
  scan films to portrait format for phones? OK,
  it's not a good idea but it might be fun to
  make film nerds angry.

  * RAZZLE REVIEW - Buy a copy of Razzle and read
  it for the articles. Apparently it's still
  being published, we haven't checked but

  * MORE PODCASTS - A podcast like Reply All's
  Yes Yes No, called "The Ratio" where they
  explore a tweet and explain to a confused third
  party why someone got ratio'd.

  Share yours doings:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS
  You lovely people

  *STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
  WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR, IAN SHEEN, MARK
  ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH,
  CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO
  APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG
  MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7
  DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON
  NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL
  TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
  TOM DOLAN.

  lee burnett, Bloonface , Shane McHugh, Joe
  Banner, Chris Garratt, Jim Woodward, Rebecca
  McManus, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies,
  George Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
  Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
  Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
  Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus McKay, Steve herman,
  Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
  Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas , Chris
  Gough, fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Nathaniel
  Bandersnatch, Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys
  Wynne, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
  Rhodes, Chris Whitworth, James Macinnes, Geoff
  Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel Chote, Geoffrey
  Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul
  Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian Beveridge, Alex Mastin,
  Raul Arreola, Faith H. Martin, David King,
  Jaymie Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben
  Watson, Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson,
  Saleem Ahmad, nicholas martin, Jim MacArthur,
  John Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy Webber,
  David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon McDougall,
  Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling, Jason
  Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip Kinchington, Ian
  Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek ROBERTS, Robbie
  Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam Inglis, James
  Clayton, Jim Frayling,  Mike Middleton, Scott
  S. Kramer, Joe Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob
  Mahon, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m
  McN&#464;ven, Paul Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom
  Rees-Williams, David Mills, Martin Beer,
  midnightrambler , matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny,
  Dave Tickle, Matthew Forman, Gareth Noyce,
  Chris Paterson, James Woods, pookong , oliver
  bewes, Iain , Adam Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion
  Gray, Rupert Hull, Simon waterfall, Paul
  Westerman, Courtenay Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy
  Dave, Martin Peache, Jerry Quartley, Bertil
  Hansson, Carl Morgan, Mark Hibbett, Daniel
  Brown, Rich Pope, John Matthews, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, Jamie Taylor, Adrian Woodfield, Stuart
  Ashen, Vicki Jakes, Jane Baker, Paul Smith,
  Will Goulden, Simon Cowan, Robin Whitmore,
  Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes, Dan Stott,
  Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson, Starlord
  Mixtape, Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse, Tyronne
  Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman,
  Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Tom Gleeson,
  Ed Cook, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  mil jamieson, Tom Crick, Ben Burton, Peter
  Ashtray, Adam Atack, AC , Derek Law, David
  Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan, Matthew
  Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe McNally,
  Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly, Frank
  Hollis, sean casely, Al Davidson, martin
  mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin Holloway, Mike
  Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim Mouncer, peter
  wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew Morris, Rob
  Vincent, Chris Shaw, Rick Lindley, Greg
  Neilson, blossomshed , Jude Evans, Kev Adams,
  Simon Smith, @mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster,
  Iain Henshaw, Mathew Smith, Gia Milinovich,
  Fiona James, Robert Hills, Anne-Marie Scott,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de
  Carteret, Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart
  Alldred, Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris
  Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi,
  Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
  Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
  Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
  Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
  Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, James
  Shakespeare, Tim Weaver, Lisa Westhaven, James
  O'Malley, Emma Lay, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl,
  Catherine McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien
  Smith, Jim Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von
  Borstel, Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, ,
  William Garratt, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, Iain
  Moffatt, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, David
  Green, Riven A Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian
  Appleby, Pete , Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom
  Freke, Jan Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike
  Congreve, Chris Johnson, John Field, Emma
  Sykes, Carl Mesner Lyons, Ross Dobson, David
  Stark, Adam Beardwood, Danny Kodicek, Dominic
  Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew
  Robinson, Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim
  Beachy, Rose Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor
  Parslow, Daniel Moeller, Irene Semanchuk,
  Alexandre Strube, Craig Naples, Richard Speed,
  Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
  peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
  Andy Candler, Peter Cooper, Deny Coughlan, Russ
  Anderson, Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew
  Anderson, Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham
  Freeman, Dave Gee, Wine School of Philadelphia,
  John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob Potter, James
  Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya
  Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam, Jace Otting,
  BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner,
  Peter , Emily Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer,
  Matt Carr, Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard
  Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman,
  David Bond, Ben , Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp,
  Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James , Jim
  Lucking, mark madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
  Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
  Rohan , Sam Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble,
  Nigel Ford, Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries
  of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
  Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
  Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
  ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
  Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
  &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike
  Carter, Daz Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M,
  P Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
  McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
  John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
  Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
  Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
  Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
  Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, Dave The Hammer Parry,
  Emma Nicol, Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon
  Bounds, Stéphane.

  Other thanks: Rob Manuel for writing this
  shite. Monkeon, HappyToast, Matt Round, Wil &
  Krix for other stuff.

  Bung us some money. Thank you.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta


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: TOP TIP

  Help your neighbour to get a day off work by
  secretly injecting his pint of milk outside his
  house with exlax.  (robneymcplum)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/all

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