NEWSLETTER: "YOU SUBSCRIBED, WE SENT THE EMAIL. IT’S A DEAL THAT WON’T BE REJECTED BY PARLIAMENT"
This Week:
* GAME - Realistic Type-in Simulator
* BOOK - First ever Sisters of Mercy biography
* VIDEO - Jacob Rees-Mogg rapping. Sorry.
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're clogging up the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | net bogs with sperm and
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| kittens and usual. Sorry."
B3ta email 703 - 24 Nov 2018
Read this backwards to summon internet Satan:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue703
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: JACOB REES MOGG vs SWEDEMASON
Mogg / Moog rappy rap rap rap
We're ruled by cunts in Britain, it's our
penance for the British Empire fucking up most
of the world, and one of the worst cunts of all
is Conservative MP Jacob Rees Mogg.
He's not even in Government but somehow he's
always all over the media with his suit that's
slightly too big, to hide the Victorian
children giving him oral pleasure beneath.
And now? Our resident masher-upper Swedemason
has mixed him with some rap bollocks so
hopefully the world will kick him to the kerb
and Brexit will be solved. HOORAY.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Moggystyle
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We've just sent a letter of no confidence in the
Prime Minister. We'd light a match and give it
five minutes if we were you.
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: REALISTIC TYPE-IN SIMULATOR
Re-live typing in crap games fun on ZX Rectum
Back in the 80s we used have to run B3ta by
selling 'type-ins' to computer magazines:
10 PRINT "If you can't think of a gag, swear
instead" 20 GOTO 10
Anyway, our resident technophile Monkeon has
turned this experience into an interactive game
and he writes, "It's a keyboard whacker, so
desktop only. The Daley Thompson format is more
fun than Mavis Beacon."
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/typeingamingsimulator/
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Writing advice
1. Turn off the WiFI
2. Write
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: HELP MAKE "SISTERS OF MERCY" BIOGRAPHY HAPPEN
Hey now hey now now, read This Corrosion to me
Your editor is an old Sisters of Mercy fan and
he recently did a bit of work for the book
publishers Unbound, and one of the sly projects
he pushed through the door, simply to please
himself, is a biography of The Sisters of
Mercy.
Can you believe that one doesn't exist? Not
only that, it's being written by Mark Andrews,
the chap who wrote the brilliant series of
articles for the Quietus on Leed's finest, and
he's a proper fan, insanely knowledgeable and
doing deep research.
Make sure you pledge. Spiggy wouldn't approve:
https://unbound.com/books/sistersofmercy
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B3ta has been watching the new series of Doctor
Who and can report it fluctuates between patchy
and really good. Which means it's proper Doctor
Who. Carry on team.
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: BLOCK FRIDAY
Yes, block everything
If we ever managed to send our newsletters on
time then this would make sense, it's a plea to
block all shitty Black Friday crap.
And you should, we don't need that junk here,
this is Britain, the land of err.. actually
what does Britain stand for now? Voting to cut
off our penises to spite our balls and Mumford
and Sons.
Sinking into the sea is too good for us.
@man writes, "Remove all spam from your inbox
by unsubscribing to all Black Friday
promotions. You are welcome."
https://internationalunsubscribeday.com/
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HappyToast has set up a Patreon page offering
everything from photoshops and gifs to actual
artwork sent through the post. There's an advent
calendar and Christmas cards starting December
1st, so sign up now.
https://www.patreon.com/HappyToast
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Replace an instrument
Remember that guitars replaced with slugs
Tumblr from years back? We thought we'd do a
variation for an image challenge and ask you to
take any instrument and replace it with any
object. Here's the best stuff from last week:
* PARP! HONK! QWOFF! by monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270963
* I'VE JUST SYNTHESISED THIS by Scumbrian.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270887
* BETTER IN MY HEAD. LIKE MOST THINGS by spazzcaptain.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270949
* See all the other images from the 'replace an instrument' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/replaceinstruments
>> This week: Sci-Fi Art <<
What goes better together than science fiction
and art? Show us your Close Encounters of the
Picasso Kind, Hokusai's Time Machine and stuff
like that.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scifiart
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Pop groups should have pets. And for purposes of
promotional appearances and videos they should be
considered full members of the band. Like how
Blue Peter had Shep the dog.
When you’re a kid the animal is always the best
member. Who’s the best in the Famous Five?
Obviously Timmy the dog.
Pop groups are leaving cash on the table by not
having animal members. Fact.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that was made by future B3tans
* 2018 WEBSITE SIMULATOR - a perfect bit of
satire about the state of the web in these
terrible times. Pop-ups and bollocks
everywhere. Mobile ruined everything and Steve
Jobs was a wanker.
https://2018.bloomca.me/en
* NAZIS TAKING A SHIT, THE BOOK! You know what
you need? a coffee table book about Nazis
shitting. That's right, 100 quality pages of
Nazis in WWII shitting in various places,
possibly including the woods. Not bad for €35.
https://rvb-books.com/book.php
* HOUSE WITH WEIRD DECOR, CHECK THE PICS - If
we clubbed together, it would cost us about
£2600 for a couple to own this place for 1
night a year. Perfect for an annual LSD trip to
reset the mind. (Previously owned by textile
designer and photographer Henry Wilson who was
killed in a cycling accident. Maybe someone
rich should buy it and donate it to National
Trust? It's a genuine curiosity and it would be
a shame if someone just covered this all up.)
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/prop...
* POP MUSIC IN WHAT LANGUAGE QUIZ - neat idea
that we wish we'd thought of. Plays a random
pop song and you have to guess the language.
https://languageguesser.com
* BBC WRITES UP FURRY HACK - An article worth a
scan for the cheap amusement of seeing the
phrase “buxom zebras” in BBC copy. Still, let's
hope that some random politician in outed as a
plushie-fucker. Our bet is that most of the
cabinet are yiffers.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-46289639
* POPULISM QUIZ - Interesting Guardian quiz
that maps you on a populism graph which
flatters to create shares by telling you you're
not like Donald Trump. Oddly Corbyn is missing,
and considering the amount of articles and
debate out there saying Corbyn is or isn't a
populist, a quiz about populism from a UK
publisher should either have Corbyn in it or a
line saying why he isn't.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/ng-interactive/2...
* AND FINALLY IT'S MONKEON'S CORNER - Richard
writes, "And when researching for the type-in
games I found that Micro User ran a Mornington
Crescent game." Madness but glorious madness.
http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/04/acorn-fools-day/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* KUNT'S BOOK REACHES £20k IN PLEDGES - Kunt
tells us, "It's a book that lifts the lid on
what it's like to spend 13 years on the bottom
rung of the showbiz ladder. It's not just the
ramblings of a bloke who started off on MySpace
then managed to make a living by driving round
the country, stopping off at pubs to wank and
cry. It's a story set against the backdrop of
how social media and the Internet have changed
the world, taking into account that ten years
ago 'seagull', 'trombone' and 'teabag' were
still nouns." Make sure you pledge if you
haven't already, so Kunt doesn't have to do
more painting and decorating. Although,
frankly, we're wondering about hiring him to
decorate the shitter so we can tell people it's
a Kunt Original.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/kuntandthegan...
* HELIUM BUBBLE-WRAP - Klepsydra writes "Helium
balloons to make postage cheaper? Old hat,
lads. See this column from a 1958 SF magazine
which details how to take this wheeze to its
ultimate level and bring down the government."
http://efanzines.com/Willis/fanorama32.htm
* SGT PEPPER 2018 - that Dr Dunno is pleased
2018 is shite so so he can do his celebrity
death montage again in the style of the
Beatles's most overrated LP.
https://www.b3ta.com/board/11271053
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Free ideas to get your brain rolling
* SHED TALKS - it would be a good name if David
Cameron did a podcast. It might be as popular
as Clegg's one.
* DUMP THEM BOT - A bot that replies to every
bit of relationship advice going "DUMP THEM!"
E.g. this:
https://twitter.com/redditships/status/10634857198...
* MONOPOLY WITH REAL MONEY - can someone give
us £20k so we can play Monopoly with real cash?
Reckon it would be fun.
Tell us about the size of your man giblets here:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
You lovely people
*STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
*KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR, IAN SHEEN, MARK
ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH,
CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO
APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG
MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7
DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON
NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL
TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
TOM DOLAN.
lee burnett, Bloonface , Shane McHugh, Joe
Banner, Chris Garratt, Jim Woodward, Rebecca
McManus, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies,
George Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus McKay, Steve herman,
Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas , Chris
Gough, fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Nathaniel
Bandersnatch, Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys
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Mahon, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, Jǐm
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Westerman, Courtenay Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy
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Brown, Rich Pope, John Matthews, JOHNNY
WATTERS, Jamie Taylor, Adrian Woodfield, Stuart
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Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes, Dan Stott,
Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson, Starlord
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Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman,
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Smith, Jim Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von
Borstel, Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, ,
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peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
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Anderson, Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew
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Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya
Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam, Jace Otting,
BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner,
Peter , Emily Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer,
Matt Carr, Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard
Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman,
David Bond, Ben , Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp,
Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James , Jim
Lucking, mark madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
Rohan , Sam Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble,
Nigel Ford, Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries
of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
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Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, Dave The Hammer Parry,
Emma Nicol, Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon
Bounds, Stéphane.
Other thanks: Rob Manuel for writing this
shite. Monkeon, HappyToast, Matt Round, Wil &
Kris for other stuff. And linky thanks to
The_cold_stare, secretbatcave, head-doctor, &
@michaelmphysics. Subjlols via @JimmerUK.
Bung us some money. Thank you.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: ED ZITRON - "WHY I'M ADDICTED TO PELOTON"
Patreon ad
"I wrote for Motherboard about why I'm addicted
to peloton and how it helps keep my obsessive
thoughts about my weight down" writes Ed.
https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/article/vba4dx/...
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HAVING PROBLEMS PAYING FOR LAUNDRY BILLS? - Don't
worry. Give all your dirty clothes to Oxfam. They
will wash them, dry them and iron them. Then you
can buy them all back for 50p.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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