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NEWSLETTER: "YOU SUBSCRIBED, WE SENT THE EMAIL. IT’S A DEAL THAT WON’T BE REJECTED BY PARLIAMENT"

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This Week:
* GAME - Realistic Type-in Simulator
* BOOK - First ever Sisters of Mercy biography
* VIDEO - Jacob Rees-Mogg rapping. Sorry.

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're clogging up the 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  net bogs with sperm and
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  kittens and usual. Sorry."

B3ta email 703 - 24 Nov 2018

Read this backwards to summon internet Satan:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue703

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: JACOB REES MOGG vs SWEDEMASON
  Mogg / Moog rappy rap rap rap
  
  We're ruled by cunts in Britain, it's our
  penance for the British Empire fucking up most
  of the world, and one of the worst cunts of all
  is Conservative MP Jacob Rees Mogg.

  He's not even in Government but somehow he's
  always all over the media with his suit that's
  slightly too big, to hide the Victorian
  children giving him oral pleasure beneath.

  And now? Our resident masher-upper Swedemason
  has mixed him with some rap bollocks so
  hopefully the world will kick him to the kerb
  and Brexit will be solved. HOORAY.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Moggystyle

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We've just sent a letter of no confidence in the
Prime Minister. We'd light a match and give it
five minutes if we were you.

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: REALISTIC TYPE-IN SIMULATOR
  Re-live typing in crap games fun on ZX Rectum

  Back in the 80s we used have to run B3ta by
  selling 'type-ins' to computer magazines:

  10 PRINT "If you can't think of a gag, swear
  instead" 20 GOTO 10

  Anyway, our resident technophile Monkeon has
  turned this experience into an interactive game
  and he writes, "It's a keyboard whacker, so
  desktop only. The Daley Thompson format is more
  fun than Mavis Beacon."
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/typeingamingsimulator/

-------------------------------------------------

Writing advice
1. Turn off the WiFI
2. Write

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: HELP MAKE "SISTERS OF MERCY" BIOGRAPHY HAPPEN
  Hey now hey now now, read This Corrosion to me

  Your editor is an old Sisters of Mercy fan and
  he recently did a bit of work for the book
  publishers Unbound, and one of the sly projects
  he pushed through the door, simply to please
  himself, is a biography of The Sisters of
  Mercy.

  Can you believe that one doesn't exist? Not
  only that, it's being written by Mark Andrews,
  the chap who wrote the brilliant series of
  articles for the Quietus on Leed's finest, and
  he's a proper fan, insanely knowledgeable and
  doing deep research.

  Make sure you pledge. Spiggy wouldn't approve:
https://unbound.com/books/sistersofmercy

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B3ta has been watching the new series of Doctor
Who and can report it fluctuates between patchy
and really good. Which means it's proper Doctor
Who. Carry on team.

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: BLOCK FRIDAY
  Yes, block everything

  If we ever managed to send our newsletters on
  time then this would make sense, it's a plea to
  block all shitty Black Friday crap.

  And you should, we don't need that junk here,
  this is Britain, the land of err.. actually
  what does Britain stand for now? Voting to cut
  off our penises to spite our balls and Mumford
  and Sons.

  Sinking into the sea is too good for us.

  @man writes, "Remove all spam from your inbox
  by unsubscribing to all Black Friday
  promotions. You are welcome."
https://internationalunsubscribeday.com/

-------------------------------------------------

HappyToast has set up a Patreon page offering
everything from photoshops and gifs to actual
artwork sent through the post. There's an advent
calendar and Christmas cards starting December
1st, so sign up now.
https://www.patreon.com/HappyToast

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Replace an instrument

  Remember that guitars replaced with slugs
  Tumblr from years back? We thought we'd do a
  variation for an image challenge and ask you to
  take any instrument and replace it with any
  object. Here's the best stuff from last week:

  * PARP! HONK! QWOFF! by monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270963

  * I'VE JUST SYNTHESISED THIS by Scumbrian.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270887

  * BETTER IN MY HEAD. LIKE MOST THINGS by spazzcaptain.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270949

  * See all the other images from the 'replace an instrument' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/replaceinstruments

  >> This week: Sci-Fi Art <<
  What goes better together than science fiction
  and art? Show us your Close Encounters of the
  Picasso Kind, Hokusai's Time Machine and stuff
  like that. 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scifiart

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Pop groups should have pets. And for purposes of
promotional appearances and videos they should be
considered full members of the band. Like how
Blue Peter had Shep the dog.

When you’re a kid the animal is always the best
member. Who’s the best in the Famous Five?
Obviously Timmy the dog.

Pop groups are leaving cash on the table by not
having animal members. Fact.

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that was made by future B3tans

  * 2018 WEBSITE SIMULATOR - a perfect bit of
  satire about the state of the web in these
  terrible times. Pop-ups and bollocks
  everywhere. Mobile ruined everything and Steve
  Jobs was a wanker.
https://2018.bloomca.me/en

  * NAZIS TAKING A SHIT, THE BOOK! You know what
  you need? a coffee table book about Nazis
  shitting.  That's right, 100 quality pages of
  Nazis in WWII shitting in various places,
  possibly including the woods. Not bad for €35.
https://rvb-books.com/book.php?id_book=195

  * HOUSE WITH WEIRD DECOR, CHECK THE PICS - If
  we clubbed together, it would cost us about
  £2600 for a couple to own this place for 1
  night a year. Perfect for an annual LSD trip to
  reset the mind. (Previously owned by textile
  designer and photographer Henry Wilson who was
  killed in a cycling accident. Maybe someone
  rich should buy it and donate it to National
  Trust? It's a genuine curiosity and it would be
  a shame if someone just covered this all up.)
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-68070151.html

  * POP MUSIC IN WHAT LANGUAGE QUIZ - neat idea
  that we wish we'd thought of. Plays a random
  pop song and you have to guess the language.
https://languageguesser.com 

  * BBC WRITES UP FURRY HACK - An article worth a
  scan for the cheap amusement of seeing the
  phrase “buxom zebras” in BBC copy. Still, let's
  hope that some random politician in outed as a
  plushie-fucker. Our bet is that most of the
  cabinet are yiffers.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-46289639

  * POPULISM QUIZ - Interesting Guardian quiz
  that maps you on a populism graph which
  flatters to create shares by telling you you're
  not like Donald Trump. Oddly Corbyn is missing,
  and considering the amount of articles and
  debate out there saying Corbyn is or isn't a
  populist, a quiz about populism from a UK
  publisher should either have Corbyn in it or a
  line saying why he isn't.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/ng-interactive/2018/nov/21/how-populist-are-you-quiz

  * AND FINALLY IT'S MONKEON'S CORNER - Richard
  writes, "And when researching for the type-in
  games I found that Micro User ran a Mornington
  Crescent game." Madness but glorious madness.
http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/04/acorn-fools-day/ 

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories

  * KUNT'S BOOK REACHES £20k IN PLEDGES - Kunt
  tells us, "It's a book that lifts the lid on
  what it's like to spend 13 years on the bottom
  rung of the showbiz ladder. It's not just the
  ramblings of a bloke who started off on MySpace
  then managed to make a living by driving round
  the country, stopping off at pubs to wank and
  cry. It's a story set against the backdrop of
  how social media and the Internet have changed
  the world, taking into account that ten years
  ago 'seagull', 'trombone' and 'teabag' were
  still nouns." Make sure you pledge if you
  haven't already, so Kunt doesn't have to do
  more painting and decorating. Although,
  frankly, we're wondering about hiring him to
  decorate the shitter so we can tell people it's
  a Kunt Original.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/kuntandthegang/i-kunt-the-autobiography-of-kunt-and-the-gang/

  * HELIUM BUBBLE-WRAP - Klepsydra writes "Helium
  balloons to make postage cheaper? Old hat,
  lads. See this column from a 1958 SF magazine
  which details how to take this wheeze to its
  ultimate level and bring down the government."
http://efanzines.com/Willis/fanorama32.htm

  * SGT PEPPER 2018 - that Dr Dunno is pleased
  2018 is shite so so he can do his celebrity
  death montage again in the style of the
  Beatles's most overrated LP. 
https://www.b3ta.com/board/11271053

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Free ideas to get your brain rolling

  * SHED TALKS - it would be a good name if David
  Cameron did a podcast. It might be as popular
  as Clegg's one.

  * DUMP THEM BOT - A bot that replies to every
  bit of relationship advice going "DUMP THEM!"
  E.g. this:
https://twitter.com/redditships/status/1063485719828733952

  * MONOPOLY WITH REAL MONEY - can someone give
  us £20k so we can play Monopoly with real cash?
  Reckon it would be fun.

  Tell us about the size of your man giblets here:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS
  You lovely people

  *STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
  WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR, IAN SHEEN, MARK
  ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH,
  CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO
  APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG
  MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7
  DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON
  NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL
  TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
  TOM DOLAN.

  lee burnett, Bloonface , Shane McHugh, Joe
  Banner, Chris Garratt, Jim Woodward, Rebecca
  McManus, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies,
  George Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
  Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
  Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
  Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus McKay, Steve herman,
  Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
  Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas , Chris
  Gough, fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Nathaniel
  Bandersnatch, Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys
  Wynne, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
  Rhodes, Chris Whitworth, James Macinnes, Geoff
  Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel Chote, Geoffrey
  Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul
  Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian Beveridge, Alex Mastin,
  Raul Arreola, Faith H. Martin, David King,
  Jaymie Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben
  Watson, Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson,
  Saleem Ahmad, nicholas martin, Jim MacArthur,
  John Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy Webber,
  David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon McDougall,
  Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling, Jason
  Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip Kinchington, Ian
  Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek ROBERTS, Robbie
  Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam Inglis, James
  Clayton, Jim Frayling,  Mike Middleton, Scott
  S. Kramer, Joe Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob
  Mahon, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m
  McN&#464;ven, Paul Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom
  Rees-Williams, David Mills, Martin Beer,
  midnightrambler , matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny,
  Dave Tickle, Matthew Forman, Gareth Noyce,
  Chris Paterson, James Woods, pookong , oliver
  bewes, Iain , Adam Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion
  Gray, Rupert Hull, Simon waterfall, Paul
  Westerman, Courtenay Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy
  Dave, Martin Peache, Jerry Quartley, Bertil
  Hansson, Carl Morgan, Mark Hibbett, Daniel
  Brown, Rich Pope, John Matthews, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, Jamie Taylor, Adrian Woodfield, Stuart
  Ashen, Vicki Jakes, Jane Baker, Paul Smith,
  Will Goulden, Simon Cowan, Robin Whitmore,
  Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes, Dan Stott,
  Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson, Starlord
  Mixtape, Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse, Tyronne
  Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman,
  Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Tom Gleeson,
  Ed Cook, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  mil jamieson, Tom Crick, Ben Burton, Peter
  Ashtray, Adam Atack, AC , Derek Law, David
  Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan, Matthew
  Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe McNally,
  Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly, Frank
  Hollis, sean casely, Al Davidson, martin
  mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin Holloway, Mike
  Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim Mouncer, peter
  wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew Morris, Rob
  Vincent, Chris Shaw, Rick Lindley, Greg
  Neilson, blossomshed , Jude Evans, Kev Adams,
  Simon Smith, @mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster,
  Iain Henshaw, Mathew Smith, Gia Milinovich,
  Fiona James, Robert Hills, Anne-Marie Scott,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de
  Carteret, Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart
  Alldred, Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris
  Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi,
  Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
  Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
  Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
  Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
  Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, James
  Shakespeare, Tim Weaver, Lisa Westhaven, James
  O'Malley, Emma Lay, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl,
  Catherine McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien
  Smith, Jim Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von
  Borstel, Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, ,
  William Garratt, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, Iain
  Moffatt, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, David
  Green, Riven A Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian
  Appleby, Pete , Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom
  Freke, Jan Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike
  Congreve, Chris Johnson, John Field, Emma
  Sykes, Carl Mesner Lyons, Ross Dobson, David
  Stark, Adam Beardwood, Danny Kodicek, Dominic
  Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew
  Robinson, Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim
  Beachy, Rose Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor
  Parslow, Daniel Moeller, Irene Semanchuk,
  Alexandre Strube, Craig Naples, Richard Speed,
  Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
  peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
  Andy Candler, Peter Cooper, Deny Coughlan, Russ
  Anderson, Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew
  Anderson, Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham
  Freeman, Dave Gee, Wine School of Philadelphia,
  John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob Potter, James
  Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya
  Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam, Jace Otting,
  BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner,
  Peter , Emily Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer,
  Matt Carr, Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard
  Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman,
  David Bond, Ben , Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp,
  Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James , Jim
  Lucking, mark madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
  Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
  Rohan , Sam Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble,
  Nigel Ford, Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries
  of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
  Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
  Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
  ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
  Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
  &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike
  Carter, Daz Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M,
  P Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
  McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
  John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
  Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
  Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
  Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
  Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, Dave The Hammer Parry,
  Emma Nicol, Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon
  Bounds, Stéphane.

  Other thanks: Rob Manuel for writing this
  shite. Monkeon, HappyToast, Matt Round, Wil &
  Kris for other stuff. And linky thanks to
  The_cold_stare, secretbatcave, head-doctor, &
  @michaelmphysics. Subjlols via @JimmerUK.

  Bung us some money. Thank you.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: ED ZITRON - "WHY I'M ADDICTED TO PELOTON"
  Patreon ad
  
  "I wrote for Motherboard about why I'm addicted
  to peloton and how it helps keep my obsessive
  thoughts about my weight down" writes Ed. 
https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/article/vba4dx/my-gamer-brain-is-addicted-to-the-peloton-exercise-bike

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HAVING PROBLEMS PAYING FOR LAUNDRY BILLS? - Don't
worry. Give all your dirty clothes to Oxfam. They
will wash them, dry them and iron them. Then you
can buy them all back for 50p. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/  

-------------------------------------------------

: ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

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