we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "NEVER STICK 'SCREW THE LOT OF YOU' ON A BALLOT, ITíS REALLY APPEALING"

 
« previous issue

This Week:
* VIDEO - Robots Ruining Comedy
* VLOGGING - How it might have worked in 1976
* SEXY STUFF - That'll make your naughty bits hard

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're not shaving the 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  cat to 'convert it into 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   a monkey' OK Dave?"

B3ta email 704 - 11 Dec 2018

Read this issue in your pants:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue704

-------------------------------------------------

: ROBOTS RUINING COMEDY
  Punched card punchlines

  "I've compiled all my robots-ruin-comedy
  animations into one" writes Chipping Sodbury.

  This gets funnier the more it goes on, the
  overload of familiar sketches ruined by robots.
  Best thing on pretend-TV this week.
https://vimeo.com/303484064

-------------------------------------------------
Have you even noticed that Rod Liddle's name is
effectively synonymous with "Penis Little"?
-------------------------------------------------

: VLOGGING WITH AN 8MM FILM CAMERA 
  Is it possible to 'vlog' in the 1970s?

  "This is how a fleeting idea ends up taking
  weeks of your life" writes Jurassicpaul.

  We quite love this idea, mainly as we're
  increasingly of the opinion that we'd like
  Artificial Intelligence to take over, like in
  the Matrix, but make us all live in permanent
  1976.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Vlogging_with_an_8mm_film_camera

-------------------------------------------------
Spoiler: Batman is not the story of a man who
gets bitten by a bat which gives him special
powers. (That's Dracula)
-------------------------------------------------

: WAVING DONALD TRUMP
  Sadly not drowning

  The point of Donald Trump is to post bad tweets
  that annoy liberals so that the entire
  newscycle is taken up by people spluttering
  whilst the Republican party quietly gets on
  with giving its donors exactly what they want.

  But in the meantime here's S4RK who's made a
  lovely loop of Trump waving.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Get_me_out_of_here:3

-------------------------------------------------
Stuck for a "traditional Irish name" for a baby?
Why not try "The Edge".
-------------------------------------------------

: MJ HIBBETT SAYS HAPPY XMAS
  Oh god it's Brexit based lollity

  Long term readers will remember when we
  invented viral videos by sticking a piss-poor
  flash animation on MJ Hibbert's song Hey Hey
  16k and got about 12 billion views.

  The Hibbster writes, "Hi B3ta. Here is my thing
  what I made, it's our new Christmas single
  about Santa saving us all from Brexit. Weirdly,
  this week, it seems to have started to actually
  happen!"
http://www.mjhibbett.co.uk/christmas/

-------------------------------------------------

Definition of a Christmas movie:

Is it slightly odd to watch it when itís not
Christmas because it's so damn Christmasssy?

Thatís really it, not whether itís set AT
Christmas.

-------------------------------------------------

: EGGPODD VS ANNIE NIGHTINGALE 
  Beatles based ovoid podcast is back for yolks
  
  This is a great episode with Chris catching
  emotion on tape like the actual radio producer
  he's becoming.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2018/12/02/episode-12-annie-nightingale/

  P.S. Coming up soon is your B3ta editor Rob
  once more, taking the Lennon solo LP Plastic
  Ono Band, to be recorded over the Xmas period.

-------------------------------------------------

How does Batman's mum call him in for his dinner?

She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in
front of her son, leading him to become a violent
vigilante who believes societies problems can be
solved by beating up poor people instead of
alleviating poverty.

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Sci-Fi Art

  SciFi art was pretty brilliant, over 2 million
  entries, well about 170 and it's all worth a
  look.

  * METAMORPHOSIS OF XENOMORPH - HappyToast
http://b3ta.com/board/11271781

  * 'CHRISTINA DOWN' - Ninj
http://b3ta.com/board/11271220

  * GALLIFREYAN GOTHIC -  Captain Howdy

  * See all the other images from the 'SciFi Art'
  challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scifiart


  >> This week: Comic Captions <<
  A nice and easy old favourite this week, grab a
  comic strip or newspaper cartoon and give it
  better text. Let's TOAP!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comiccaptions

-------------------------------------------------

Things people wanked to before the advent of online porn

* Smutty bits in Jilly Cooper novels
* Feature on bras for the lady with the "fuller figure" in the Sunday Times magazine
* Drama that showed a bit of boob that you'd recorded off the telly
* Memories of the cast of Neighbours
* Cosmopolitan magazine article on checking your boobs for cancer
* Ad for shower unit inserted in local newspaper
* The girdle section of Littlewoods catalogue
* The local girl "dressed as Santa's helper" on front page of local paper

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * REBUILDING AMIGA DEMOS IN PURE JAVASCRIPT. 
  They are as fun, bouncy and pointless as they
  ever where. (Well, being technically very
  impressive is probably the point.)
http://www.wab.com/ 

  * PUTINSPIRATION - Ronseal. Vlad's manly photo
  shoots but now with uplifting captions.
https://www.instagram.com/putinspiration/ 

  * GOOD GAME - Kind of a puzzle version of
  Snake, far too easy and it goes on way too
  long, but we ended up playing it all the way
  through, which rarely happens.   
https://www.kongregate.com/games/nrbdch/trace

  * BLACK SABBATH + TEMPTATIONS - good mash up.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Black_Sabbath_Temptations

  * HOW TO TIMES BY 11 TRICK - Just learnt a neat
  technique for multiplying any two digit number
  by eleven in your head. Just add two digits and
  place the sum in between! i.e. 25 x 11 = 275.
  Learn it and amazing people with your mental
  mathletics.  
https://www.math.hmc.edu/funfacts/ffiles/10001.1.shtml

  * PAUL WELLER WATCH - why do so many men of a
  certain age have this terrible Paul Weller
  haircut? Maybe it's because they're cunts.
https://twitter.com/wellendwatch

-------------------------------------------------

Seeing Christmas now starts on December the 1st, shall we extend it through January too? January is shit and the world is probably ending or sliding into hell so let's make it all Christmas.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Free ideas for you to nick

  * DUOPOLY - A version of Monopoly for two
  players. One side Tory, one side Labour and you
  go around privatising / nationalising property.

  * RETURN OF MISHEARD LYRICS - There's a great
  misheard lyric in George Michael's Hand To
  Mouth. Shame it's not a better known song as
  I'd pretend it was @b3ta circa 2002 and do a
  flash animation of George stuff his face with
  pork, "25 years of ham to mouth, ham to mouth,
  ham to mouth"

  * WHAT'S YOU'RE BULLIED AT SCHOOL NAME?
  Replaces the final syllable of your name with
  something rhyming but bad, you know, Rob
  ManuSMELL etc.

  Send us your shits. Well not literally, a photo
  will do.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

Remember you're playing Whamageddon!

How long will you last after Dec 1st before you
accidentally hear Last Christmas?

Last year we lasted until the 4th.

https://www.whamageddon.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: MEATY IDIOMS
  Adding extra animals to non meaty idioms

  We think there should be more meat in common
  phrases, so here's some alternative phrases to
  keep animals in language:

  * Those in glass houses shouldnít throw pigs.
  * Bob's your ocelot
  * That's put a spaniel in the works
  * You can't make a ham sandwich without breaking a pig
  * In for a penny, in for a quarter-pounder
  * Too many cats spoil the broth.
  * There's no smoke without fur.

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW UPS
  What happened next bollocks

  * KUNT'S BOOK DID OK - "1,069 backers pledged
  £30,325 to help bring this project to life."
  Fucking hell, he'll be able to afford a new wig.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/kuntandthegang/i-kunt-the-autobiography-of-kunt-and-the-gang

  * B3TAN WINS WORLD SACK RACE RECORD - yes, really.
https://twitter.com/StephenWildish/status/1068171426132316160

-------------------------------------------------

LEARN FROM A PRO - If you need to piss when on a
fast moving boat full of very drunk and horny
women, then please for the love of christ do it
from the back, instead of spraying yourself and
all your hot guests with salty piss. (jademonkey)

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*,
  *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*,
  *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL
  DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  BIGGER BROTHER: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  BIG BROTHER: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick
  Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek,
  Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex
  Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail, Andrew
  Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben
  Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya
  &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Ivan Shiel, Jace Otting, James,
  James Meers, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  Griffiths, John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik,
  Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg,
  mark madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen,
  Matt Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike
  Booth, Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives,
  Nick, Nick Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P
  Underwood, Paul Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite,
  Paul Mancini, Paul Slade, Peter, Peter Wood,
  Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard Abraham,
  Richard Midwinter, Rob Potter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Russell Webster, Sam
  Brown, Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon
  Lumb, Stephen McAuley, Stephen Williams,
  Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane, Swedemason, Tanya
  Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Knight, Tim
  Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East, Victoria Wood,
  wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of Philadelphia.

  Please bung us your cash:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------

: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
  For being our biggest patreon

  Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

-------------------------------------------------

: ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

  * Sub to the newsletter via 
https://www.b3ta.com/subscribe/

  * Unsub
<unsubscribe>If you must but you shouldn't</unsubscribe>

  * Submit YOUR content to newsletter:
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  * Fund the newsletter via the patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

 
« previous issue