NEWSLETTER: "ELEVATOR PITCH: LET'S REPLACE STAIRS WITH A LARGE BOX ON A PULLEY"
"Elevator pitch: let's replace stairs with a large box on a pulley"
This Week:
* LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND - the semi return
* WOMEN - now celebrated for their sophistication
* ADVICE - from the old to the young
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 767 - 23rd Apr 2021
Read this issue to your dog and see if he cares:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue767
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than sweet sweet love with their hand
* LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND RETURNS - older
readers might remember Log's project where he
collects playground stories - it was a massive
hit back in the day and he's relaunching as a
social media project. If you've got funny
stories about playing soggy biscuit then pop
them in the form.
http://bit.ly/LotP-Form
* LADY FUNK - CliveGratton brings us this fun
tribute to sophisticated ladies everywhere.
Brought a smile to these jaded lips it did.
https://b3ta.com/links/Sophisticated_Lady
* WETHERSPOONS MINDFULNESS APP - Mrmenfolk is
making jokes about missing the 'Spoons.
https://b3ta.com/links/Wetherspoons_Mindfulness_Ap...
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed-up like fur balls
Each week we ask you to type nonsense into a
form and we publish the worst:
* PANTS - "To my husband, as you live on your
phone/Twitter and follow fesshole.... stop
complaining about your lack of sex and change
your underwear more than 2-3 times a week. I
do the laundry, I know"
* DUNGAREES - "My partner spent a fortune on
some dungarees. He thinks he looks 'arty' but
he looks like a fucking overgrown toddler and
now I'm repulsed by him."
* ADVICE - "I'm 78 yrs old. Never smoked,
hardly drink. My wife died 8 years ago. I have
all my faculties and it's fucking abysmal. All
I do is wake up with random pains, and it's
all likely cancer. I go for a piss and then my
dick decides to carry on after I've finished.
Kids... Do drugs!"
Join the 124k people who should know better:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
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Maybe if the BBC had a channel called BBC
Respect and it just broadcast flags and photos
of important Tories and Royals all day and then
the rest of the output could be left alone?
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff made by other people in the content mines
* JOKE ORIGINS - Fascinating deep dive into
the origin of the Yes Minister bit that goes
"Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly
who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read
by people who think they run the country..."
Excellent storytelling that really takes you
on a journey.
http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2021/04/what-the-papers-s...
* MINING BITCOIN ON YOUR COMMODORE 64 - The
main value in Bitcoin seems to be in being
able to show off your hipster credentials by
owning some. And what could be more hipster
than mining it on something retro, in this
case a Commodore 64? Unfortunately this needs
to be run for hundreds of years to work, by
which time more efficient bitcoin miners will
have killed the planet. Next week: how to sell
NFTs on your Oric Atmos.
https://github.com/ytmytm/c64-bitcoin-miner
* TETRIS VS SNAKE - together at last, and
tougher than you'd think. If you're bored and
looking for game ideas, how about Sam Fox's
Strip Minecraft?
https://ouro-eight.itch.io/pixel-fill
* AMUSING ARTICLE - A Planet Zoo player has
bred an ostrich taller than the Statue of
Liberty. The same game previously developed an
economy that resulted in players mass-farming
mutated animals.
https://www.rockpapershotgun.com/a-planet-zoo-play...
* SINGLE USE WEBSITE - for all your wet clap
needs. Yuck.
https://wetclap.com/
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How did the Werewolf get its meal?
Deliveroo00oo00oo
If you've written a joke and would like to say
sorry then we've got a home for you:
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Art Jobs
With Covid closing museums, works of art need
to find a new source of income. Send paintings
and sculptures out to work.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/artjobs
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Yes, buy those sweary scarves
Do you have a cold neck and love swearing?
Thank fuck Hebtroco are here to sell you
swearing scarves. WARNING: Wearing these might
make you so attractive to the people you want
to bang that you might be overwhelmed in sex
offers.
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/
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Kids shouldn't be named until they're old enough
to think of something for themselves, like our
son Sniper Playstation 5.
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: DEAR UNCLE B3TA
Letters to the HQ
* DOG IN A COAT - Kathleen asks "Odd request.
In 2002, I found a flash movie called "Dog in
a Coat" from the links board and it was
amazing. I feel like it might have been a
popular thing at the time. Anyway, I was
wondering if you have any working links or any
thoughts on how I might go about tracking this
down. In 2002, this flash movie was a big deal
for us and I'd like to surprise my sister with
it as she's kind of down right now. Any
thoughts?" The man you want is called Andy
Kelk and he's on Twitter, but god knows if he
still has the file and could be arsed to
convert it to video.
* SPOOKY STORY - s.jarvis365 writes, "I
remember reading a short story from one of
your newsletter about a man who died and met
an angel who then told the man that he had
died before and in fact is everyone else in
the world and each time he does he becomes
someone else in the world." Yep. It's called
The Egg and the guy who wrote it went on to
write The Martian.
http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html
Send us your missive:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make some stuff that's not totally guff
* FUCK OVER THE SPECTATOR BOT - you can get
past the paywall on the Spectator site by
adding /amp to the end of their URLs. It would
be a terrible thing if someone wrote a bot
that looked for Spectator URLS on Twitter and
replied with a working link.
* STREAMLINE NEW EMOJI PRODUCTION - Unicode
are looking for new Emoji proposals but they
want them all drawn up and submitted properly.
There's a role for a clearing house there -
crowdsource ideas, get them drawn up by an
artist, submit them in a more complete state
than "there should be an Emoji for sausages -
not just a hotdog"
* COIN TOSSING - now in blockchain. Might as
well. Everything else is.
Go on, make some stuff, you lazy shits:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost sexually.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
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EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
other. Proofing by Kat E.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. And
further thanks to newer ones: Ben Oliver,
James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, Lindsay
Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, Dave
Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and do
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shouting into his audio recorder, yes YOU will
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