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NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE ALL 3D PRINTERS GEARED UP TO PRINT TURDS"

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This Week:
* SONG - Kunt pays tribute to the People’s Prince
* WEBSITE - The return of Question Swap
* SEXY DOGS - well a short Fesshole anecdote ok?

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're mourning the death
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   of our prince: DMX
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta email 766 - 09 Apr 2021

Read this issue formally & wearing a black tie: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue766

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than shagging flags like true patriots

  * KUNT PLAYS TRIBUTE TO THE PRINCE OF OUR
  HEARTS - thank you to B3ta's favourite popstar
  for nailing the nation's mood.
https://kuntandthegang.bandcamp.com/track/phil-im-...

  * THE RETURN OF QUESTIONSWAP - Phantomboner
  writes, "The years have flown. 16 years ago
  you featured QuestionSwap.com in your
  newsletter and it did quite well. I recently
  decided to give it an update and do it
  properly. B3ta was where it all began, and it
  would be great if you could mention it again
  in your newsletter. Good to see B3ta powering
  on. Thanks!" Nicely timed with the death of
  Yahoo Questions too.
http://www.questionswap.com/

  * HORRIBLE OUT-OF-DATE POLITICAL SATIRE - we
  were going through the old email bin and we
  found this from mikeisbrill from about 5 years
  ago and figured we'd mention it, he wrote, "I
  wrote a book about Jeremy Clarkson and David
  Cameron having sex in a Premier Inn room. I
  can send the PDF on request. 99p is a bit much
  to be honest." Actually it's free on Kindle
  Unlimited, whatever that is.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01BUTZK...

-------------------------------------------------
 
: FESSHOLE
  The confessions account we regret starting

  Each week we ask you to type some bollocks
  into a form and we publish our favourite bits.
  Honestly, that's the entire project.

  * WIFE - "The wife called me by mistake when
  she was supposed to be calling the Chinese
  restaurant to order. I was in the next room. I
  put on a fake Chinese accent and gave her a
  load of shit so she threatened to talk to my
  manager."

  * TESCO - "Once walking through Tesco I saw a
  guy I knew from somewhere, so said hello to
  not be rude. Stood chatting for at least 2
  mins before he hinted that the reason I knew
  him was probably because he played in midfield
  for Liverpool, and we'd never met before.
  Still cringe now."

  * SEXY DOGS - "I went on a lockdown park-walk
  date with a woman and her dog. I tried to make
  a fuss of the dog so I'd look good but 'hello
  gorgeous!' came out as 'hello sexy!'. It was a
  short, quiet walk. The longest of my life."

  Join the 123k people who should know better:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/

  FYI: In memory of Prince Philip, @fesshole
  will continue to run horrible anecdotes from
  horrible people all day and into the future.

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content made by people we are "othering"

  * WHAT ARE THE POP HITS IN EAST FINCHLEY?
  Pudding are doing more pop music data
  gathering, this time looking at localised pop
  charts for your city. We'd never even heard of
  the song everyone is listening to round our
  way, which seems about right. We might start
  humming it in an attempt to be more
  neighbourly.
https://pudding.cool/2021/04/music-bubble/

  * THEY MIGHT BE TECH BANDWAGON JUMPERS - An
  enjoyable look at how They Might Be Giants
  used 90s tech to promote themselves with
  gimmicks - Phone lines, Hypercards, Flash, CD
  Shuffle - all the gold.
https://tedium.co/2021/03/31/they-might-be-giants-...

  * BBC MICROBOT MAN TELLS ALL - 30 minutes of
  the guy behind the BBC Micro Bot telling us
  all about it whilst facing the wrong camera. 
  It's great how something so simple has evolved
  to such impressive places, especially
  considering it started with someone posting a
  loop of PRINT "POO", as is only right.
https://youtube.com/watch

  * WE'VE GOT YOUR NAME LA-LA-LA - new UK Cyber
  Security Council announces itself without
  buying the domain, so inevitably someone else
  gets it.
http://ukcybersecurity.org.uk

  * 90S MICROSOFT DEVELOPER REVEALS EVERYTHING -
  You know when you find a YouTube channel that
  you can just keep watching? Well this one
  works for us. A mid-90s Microsoft developer
  doing war stories.
https://www.youtube.com/watch

  * SPACE JAM WEBSITE REMEMBERED - not only have
  we had the death of Yahoo Answers but after 25
  years the original Space Jam website has been
  taken offline. Is nothing sacred anymore? 
https://www.esquireme.com/content/51612-after-25-y...

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Art Jobs

  With Covid closing museums, works of art need
  to find a new source of income. Send paintings
  and sculptures out to work.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/artjobs/popular

-------------------------------------------------

: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  Yes, buy those sweary scarves

  Do you have a cold neck and love swearing?
  Thank fuck Hebtroco are here to sell you
  swearing scarves. WARNING: Wearing these might
  make you so attractive to the people you want
  to bang that you might be overwhelmed in sex
  offers.
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/

-------------------------------------------------

: DEAR UNCLE B3TA
  Readers' top tips

  * HOW TO CLEAN YOUR KEYBOARD - Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic writes, "Clear space on desk, turn keyboard upside down and drop onto the keys from a height of about 2 inches.  Do this about three or four times.  Be disgusted by the amount of detritus littering your desk." Er... thanks?

  * HOW TO CLEAN YOUR LOO - Quefelli writes, "One thing---when using a loo brush, DOWNSTROKES ONLY. That is all" Er.. Why are you telling us this?

  Send us your missive:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Ideas from our readers to inspire you

  * MAKE YOU FEEL OLD - twilkosta asks for "a
  website that, given your age, tells you how
  long until you're too old for various schemes
  (youth discounts, internship schemes,
  newsround press pack). After 30 it just tells
  you you're too old, period."

  * HOW POWERFUL IS YOUR FRIDGE? Twilkosta
  continues, "Also, a website that continually
  provides an up-to-the-minute version of how
  powerful the average phone/fridge/watch is,
  relative to Apollo-era computers. And shows
  you a picture of space. So you never lose your
  sense of wonder."

  * MILK SOLVER - joe.aule asks "Ever had that
  weird crusty dried milk form around the top of
  a plastic milk bottle? I just had a bit fall
  in my tea. Disgusting. I'd like to see a way
  of preventing a repeat occurrence."

  Go on, make some stuff, you lazy shits:  
https://b3ta.com/mailus/ 

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost sexually.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image
  challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
  other. Newsletter proofing by Kat E.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
  Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
  Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. And
  further thanks to newer ones: Ben Oliver,
  James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, Lindsay
  Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, Dave
  Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and do
  please donate as you get bonus content (Rob
  shouting into his audio recorder, yes YOU will
  hate it.)
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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