NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT PROMISES YOU NO FUN EVERY APRIL FOOLS"
This Week:
* KLF MOVIE NEWS - Out Monday you lucky people
* FESSHOLE CONFESSIONS - yes, the bit you scroll to
* BBC THREE SHOW GENERATOR - back from 2009!
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web with
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | CTLS S and backing it
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| up to tape just in case"
B3ta email 812 - 1st April 2022
Read this issue in a spooky voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue812
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making mischief as usual
* KLF FILM OUT MONDAY - director Chris Aktins of
Starsuckers fame tells us that his long awaited
KLF documentary is out on Monday and you can
watch the trailer today and pre-order it. We're
very excited about this.
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/movie/who-killed-the-k...
* BBC THREE SHOW GENERATOR - Jonathan
Cresswell's BBC Three show generator has been
reskinned twice now in order to match the
station relaunches, and we appreciate the
pointless attention to detail in them doing so.
Mr Cresswell tells us, "What's more appropriate
for b3ta than coming up with a joke 13 years
ago, it occasionally gets remembered and think
'well, I should probably do something with it
again then shouldn't I'. This time prompted by
Radio 1 playing 'real BBC Three Show or fake' a
couple of times, as well as a care for pointless
media attention to detail/"
https://jonathancresswell.co.uk/bbcthree/
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: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up like cat sick
Each week you type lies into a Google form and
we tweet out the shittiest ones to see if anyone
clicks "like".
* INSPIRATIONAL CONTENT - "I like to use the
prepaid envelopes from junk mail to send the
company other 'interesting' mail I receive, I
have just sent a Screwfix catalogue to a PPI
claim company."
* MORE PISS VICAR? - "My dad was a vicar and his
most beloved possession is a vial of water from
some well in the Bible. As a kid I didn't want
my cat to go to hell so I used the vial of water
to baptise him then replaced it with tap water.
Dad cherishes the vial of tap water to this
day."
* MEOW - "My cat went missing a month ago, he
was found and we buried him two weeks ago. Today
he came through the window, I'm not sure whose
cat I have under my rose bush in the garden, but
I'm glad Timothy is back."
Join the 443k people who need their OHP slides
inspected by Nick Berry on ITV's Heartbeat. What
an episode that would be.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely shorts whilst the sun shines
Last week we linked out to some Hebtro jumpers
and then the weather got really hot and it was
clear no one was going to buy jumpers, so then
we linked some shorts and the weather got cold
again. But we're doubling down and saying buy
shorts ok?
https://hebtro.co/less-is-more/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content to make your Netscape do a sex wee
* ART IN QUIET CORNERS OF THE INTERNET - Lovely
collection of rendered sets of US quiz shows.
All taken from some obscure Facebook group. What
other genius is lurking in various social media
accounts that doesn't get seen because the
creators don't promote their own work properly?
https://ironicsans.substack.com/p/57-building-jeop...
* BEANO IS DOWN WITH THE KIDS - Lovely to see
the Beano taking down NFTs. Next week we hope to
bring you Big Ted from Playschool's views on
crypto.
https://twitter.com/xannov/status/1509089728506826...
* REMEMBER THE INTERNET IN 2003? Remember the
Star Wars kid? That boy who went viral in early
web days? Well they've made a documentary about
him just to make you feel guilty about ever
laughing.
https://waxy.org/2022/03/in-the-shadow-of-the-star...
* WE WANT TO LIVE HERE (SORT OF) - fascinated by
this North London property listing. Two bedrooms
plus a swimming pool. And it's all so grotty.
What's been going on here? Are these sex people?
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/107629781#/?channel=RES_BUY
* YOU WILL BE MOVED - Ukrainian musician at Lviv
railway station playing piano during an air raid
alarm. As the comments say, "This must be the
soundtrack to the end of the world. The sirens
are haunting."
https://b3ta.com/links/Beauty_under_fire
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: FRIDAY GAME(S)
Two games for the price of one
* KEEP CLICKING, DICKHEADS - An idle clicker
based on Breakout in which you buy increasingly
powerful balls to help you on your quest. We
ended up playing for about an hour because it
got its claws into us, though it just made us
really stressed about our wasted evening, so we
can't say we actually enjoyed the experience.
https://kodiqi.itch.io/idle-breakout
* NOW GAMES ARE BACKWARDS, PUNY HUMAN - Wordle,
but the twist is you play as Josh Wardle
himself. Create the word of the day, and mark
the computer's guesses. It just needs a Twitter
account for the computer player that tweets its
score every time it guesses a word and bores all
its followers senseless.
https://adverswordle.doteye.online
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Putin
Here's the best images from the Putin challenge
that has shook the Russian political
establishment to its very core:
* Sherbs is introducing Putin to the world of
movies:
http://b3ta.com/board/11362488
* C_kick is enjoying a very bib table:
http://b3ta.com/board/11362294
* Chumps is reading Mad magazine:
http://b3ta.com/board/11362352
* See all the other images from the 'Putin'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/putin2/popular
>> Our other challenge: Their other books <<
Authors are remembered for their best work, but
what about their other books, the shit ones that
they'd rather forget. Show us lesser known books
by popular authors.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/theirotherbooks/popular
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Some ideas to kick you off
* FRANKIE SAY RELAX - a banging C64 chiptune
version of the track and every so often a pixel
sprite of Holly would lift a gloved finger
saying "RELAX" and you'd have to ignore it but
if says "COME!" and you would whack the space
bar and it would give you a score based on your
timing.
* CRAP MILLENNIUM PROJECTS - there's probably a
decent project suggestion in some kind of
database or map of rubbish turn of the century
art projects:
https://twitter.com/sellottie/status/1508783682110...
* SHIT, THINKING OF A THIRD IS HARD - let's see
if we can turn another old pop song into an
interactive. Some sort of Hungry Like The Wolf
game where you play a ravenous Simon Le Bon and
go around biting bits off pop stars like Howard
Jones and Nik Kershaw for delicious tummy food?
Or maybe "This Is Planet Earth" where Simon Le
Bon shows you pictures of planets and hammer
that spacebar when.... THIS IS PLANET EARTH,
YOU'RE LOOKING AT PLANET EARTH. Done. Perfect.
Stick your content into our content maw:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY!
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Krang is apologising this week
What's a pair of courgettes' favourite 80s
sci-fi show? The Two-Marrow People
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
