What do you get if you cross nuclear power with a potato?
Fission chips.
( drpdrp1, Fri 24 Sep 2021, 20:07, Reply)

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Advert-Based Joke
I was anally raped by Marlon Brando.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 21 Sep 2021, 22:55, Reply)

Bender-based joke
I went on a 9-day booze and drugs marathon and ended up with my knob up an annoying 'edgy' robot from a shit programme by that prick who made The Sinpsons that even bigger pricks say is ACTUALLY better than The Simpsons ACTUALLY and probably fucking is because The Simpsons is ACTUALLY a load of old fucking wank...I was on a Bender.
( Queef Richard's U r a 🔔🔚, Tue 21 Sep 2021, 22:43, 1 reply, 3 days ago)

According to the post mortem, after being found in his Selhurst Park flat, it was determined that Only Fools and Horses actor John Challis died in similar circumstances to Bulgarian author Georgi Markov.
The pellet with the poison's in the Challis from the Palace.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 21 Sep 2021, 14:00, Reply)

Vigil-Based Joke
I spent last night awake praying for the souls of all aboard a nuclear submarine full of ridiculous yet predictable plot twists and tedious flashbacks... I was on a vigil.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 21 Sep 2021, 8:06, 1 reply, 3 days ago)

Boon-Based Joke
I had an idea for a TV show about an ex-firefighter who is not only a private investigator, but a motorcycle courier and part owner of a security firm. I expected no-one to audition, but one person did. It was Michael Elphick....which was a boon
(wodfir It's like I've never been away...., Mon 20 Sep 2021, 9:01, 1 reply, 4 days ago)

Spender-Based Joke Number Two
I was at a Shirley Bassey concert the other day and an 8ft Jimmy Nail lookalike was stood in front of me. The only way I could get his attention so he could move was shouting 'Hey, big Spender'
(wodfir It's like I've never been away...., Mon 20 Sep 2021, 9:01, 1 reply, 4 days ago)

Spender-Based Joke Number One
I saw Jimmy Nail in Aldi the other day....he's really tall! He also had 12 baskets full of food and drink.

I thought 'Blimey, he's a big Spender'
(wodfir It's like I've never been away...., Mon 20 Sep 2021, 9:00, Reply)

Why did the chicken have to cross the road?
Why did the chicken have to cross the road?

The transporter was broken.
(windaddy, Sat 18 Sep 2021, 22:48, Reply)

my wife said I was ableist for laughing at a runner with no feet in the paralympics
but it's not my fault, I'm just lack-toes intolerant
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sat 18 Sep 2021, 14:10, Reply)

Why was Gloria Gaynor fired from her job as cricket commentator?
Because she never could say "good bye"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 17 Sep 2021, 23:55, Reply)

I don't understand how people get Jimmy Carr and Alan Carr confused
Jimmy Carr is the one with the bad teeth
(b0rk3d, Fri 17 Sep 2021, 13:18, Reply)

How did the new US Open ladies' singles champion
get back home across the Atlantic after her flight was cancelled?

Emma rode a canoe.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Sun 12 Sep 2021, 13:47, 4 replies, latest was 1 week ago)

What grows up into ice bears?
Ice cubs.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Sat 11 Sep 2021, 14:33, Reply)

What do the police eat at the cinema?
Copcorn.
(beanolabub, Fri 10 Sep 2021, 20:12, Reply)

My Muslim friend refused to eat some bread I made with a fake meat-stuffing
Apparently it goes against the Quorn-Naan.
(markreynolds95, Thu 9 Sep 2021, 11:37, Reply)

Jean-Paul Belmondo reaches the Pearly Gates.
In his thick French accent he asks St Peter 'Monsieur, 'ave you rheum pour un homme? I was tres, as you say, 'cool'.'
St Peter says 'Yes, you can come in but there will be a charge.'
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 7 Sep 2021, 19:51, Reply)

my neighbour gave me some nitrous oxide mixed with Oxo cubes, he's made me a laughing stock

(Arseboon Dilbaro Talib&, Fri 3 Sep 2021, 13:31, Reply)

How do you know when your goose eggs have gone off?
They start honking.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 2 Sep 2021, 11:46, 1 reply, 3 weeks ago)

I took my dog to the vet
and the vet picked him up and looked him over. Then he turned to me and said 'I'll have to put him down'.

'Why, is he too heavy?'

'No, he's riddled with cancer and is in terrible pain.'
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Tue 31 Aug 2021, 13:58, Reply)

Shakespeare did most of his daily writing before he'd even put on his stockings.
Prose before hose.
(Not an onanist, honestly, Sat 28 Aug 2021, 7:30, 2 replies, latest was 1 week ago)

I asked a Scottish farmer...
if he'd consider replacing his cattle prod with an electric guitar.

He said he preferred acoustic.
(Not an onanist, honestly, Sat 28 Aug 2021, 7:29, 3 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)

When I told my doctor I was having trouble saying the words 'nectarine' and 'apricot'
he sent me to a peach therapist.
(Not an onanist, honestly, Sat 28 Aug 2021, 7:28, Reply)

What's green but turns red at the press of a button?
Litmus paper! (the button is designed to squeeze a precise amount of sulphuric acid out of a pipette, lowering the pH from 7 to 0).
(Agent Pr1ck llǝɯs ǝɥʇ sʇI ˙ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ l, Wed 25 Aug 2021, 14:03, 1 reply, 4 weeks ago)

Went to a fancy dress party recently.
I was described as being a "wolf in sheeps clothing" which is stupid as I was clearly dressed up as a cow.
( friskeyferret Whatever..., Mon 23 Aug 2021, 16:55, 4 replies, latest was 4 weeks ago)

Why is a five pound note a bit like an octopus?
Because it's 5quid.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 17 Aug 2021, 13:53, 1 reply, 4 weeks ago)

Why is it illegal to add up in Afghanistan?
Because of the Taliban.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 17 Aug 2021, 8:18, 3 replies, latest was 5 weeks ago)

What do you get if you cross the founder of psychoanalysis with an orange?
Segment Freud
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 16 Aug 2021, 22:19, Reply)

Which moon of Saturn went on a killing spree because none of the lady moons wanted to shag it?
Inceladus.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Sat 14 Aug 2021, 19:01, Reply)

what do you call Stevie Wonder?
Anything you like - he can't hear you!!!
( Queef Richard's U r a 🔔🔚, Thu 12 Aug 2021, 17:45, 7 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)