I used to get some foreigner to prepare a smoked herring breakfast for me
until I joined UKIP
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Mon 13 Jul 2020, 9:19, Reply)

Elton John stays in a hotel...
At breakfast, he starts crying when he is served.
"What's up, sir?" says the waiter when he sees Elton crying.
"This egg," says Elton, "It's a little bit runny..."
(kursaal71, Thu 2 Jul 2020, 15:29, 1 reply, 1 week ago)

A horse walks into a bar...
The barman looks up and says "Hey, I know you! Didn't you eat my thesaurus?"
"Nope" says the horse.
(FieldingMellish, Sun 28 Jun 2020, 7:30, 1 reply, 2 weeks ago)

Why did the duck look down when he got a letter from the electric company?
He felt he needed to lower his bill.
(delurkrelurk, Sat 27 Jun 2020, 22:38, Reply)

How do you turn a tortoise into a turtle?
Flip it
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Wed 24 Jun 2020, 12:06, Reply)

What do you call a rented apartment that smells of farts?
A flatulent.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Sat 20 Jun 2020, 18:48, Reply)

Why did Danny Dyer throw his wedding ring into Old Faithful?
Because he thought it was a diamond geyser
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Tue 9 Jun 2020, 6:43, Reply)

I dreamt last night that my partner had got me a joke telling seagull for my birthday
But when I woke up today I was disappointed to find out that I was just having a funny tern!
(Iawncont, Thu 4 Jun 2020, 20:53, 1 reply, 4 weeks ago)

TODAY IS:
Froggie's dyslexic cousin..
(Obese Illegitimate, Thu 28 May 2020, 13:35, Reply)

I say, I say, I say...
What do you say?
What do big monkeys drink when they're feeling posh?
I don't know, what do big monkeys drink when they're feeling posh?
KONGnac!
(Kindly leave the jungle)
(Obese Illegitimate, Thu 28 May 2020, 13:24, Reply)

femur: you think you're so hip
ileum: well at least i'm not a bloody cell-out
(ozof, Wed 20 May 2020, 9:39, Reply)

why did the webmaster fail to catch many files?
t'was an itsy bitsy spider
( artifus is doing it all wrong, Mon 18 May 2020, 21:56, Reply)

My doctor told me I was grossly overweight.....
I demanded a second opinion.
He said "Okay, your an ugly cunt as well."
(china_crisis R Tape loading error, 0:1, Sat 16 May 2020, 13:45, Reply)

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they taste great, trust me
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Thu 14 May 2020, 12:45, Reply)

Why did Her majesty go to the dentist?
Because she didn't 'queen' her teeth
( claptonista ,the idiot boy.........., Wed 13 May 2020, 21:59, Reply)

Boris Johnson
_lolpolitics
(sticklebricks it's you daddy!, Mon 11 May 2020, 11:50, Reply)

Doctor Doctor I feel like a spinning insect

It's ok, just a bug going round
(DaveO, Wed 6 May 2020, 18:10, Reply)

Did you see that film about the unrepentant cannibal misogynist?
Gladiator.
(BRB IS A FUCKING WANKER Escape From Hitler Mountain, Mon 4 May 2020, 12:28, 2 replies, latest was 2 months ago)

Who did Sade hire when she wanted to sleep in a bit longer?
snooze operator
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Fri 17 Apr 2020, 4:42, Reply)

i don't get why so few people know how to make a greek salad
i mean, it's not rocket science
(ozof, Wed 15 Apr 2020, 5:06, 1 reply, 3 months ago)

What is the good thing about staying home?
Nobody can arrest you for whacking off.
(FoxA / DannyWeinkauf, Thu 9 Apr 2020, 13:33, Reply)

Scientist say the virus has mutated into a more advanced form
CoDVD -20
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Thu 9 Apr 2020, 0:30, 2 replies, latest was 3 months ago)

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can!
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Sun 5 Apr 2020, 0:39, Reply)

A virus walks into a bar
The barman looks at it and asks
"What are you, and how did you get here?"
The virus replies
"Flu"
The obvious problem with this is that it relies on you hearing it without having heard one of the possible spellings. I'm so, so
and so is my joke.
( blyerkit e k trilby, Sat 4 Apr 2020, 1:48, Reply)

Why can't you run through a campground?
You can only ever have ran because it's past tense...
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Tue 31 Mar 2020, 22:29, 1 reply, 3 months ago)

What do you call a girl who's light?
Deepika.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 31 Mar 2020, 0:25, Reply)

Not bad so no apologies.
3 hookers walk into a bar

the 1st one says "My pussy's so big the John I fucked last night could fit his whole fist up me!"

the second one say "My cunt is so big the guy my pimp brought me last night managed to fit both his feet in me & wiggled his toes!"

the third one smiled, sat on the barstool, opened her legs and slid down to the floor...
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Mon 30 Mar 2020, 20:24, 3 replies, latest was 3 months ago)

Dry cough = Indicator of corona
= Inhaling bits of cookie because of no tea
(Pootin xxx poot introitin!, Sun 29 Mar 2020, 22:41, Reply)

what do you get if you sit on too many loo rolls
stockpiles
( thebear is thebear, Sat 21 Mar 2020, 10:27, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)

Which celebrity is least likely to get coronavirus?
Handgelina Jolie...
(hellish, Wed 18 Mar 2020, 13:48, 1 reply, 4 months ago)