I'm currently reading a book about an immortal pet dog.
It's unputdownable.
( krang, Sat 17 Nov 2018, 7:21, Reply)

I gave my wife a chicken for her birthday but she returned it because it was paltry.
( BorisKarloff is in the back of the classroom forever, Sat 17 Nov 2018, 3:29, 1 reply, 1 day ago)

An uncle of mine once ran a factory that made specialist paper for origami
But it folded.
(jpr74, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 21:05, Reply)

I spent ages struggling to understand popular groups at school, but eventually it just cliqued.

( Ivana Puliakokov, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 18:40, Reply)

A man goes into the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head
Doctor says "I've got some cream for that"
(gentleman mongoose the Lion, the Witch & the Robot, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 15:59, Reply)

The catering at the annual lesbian conference was a huge success
Everyone loved the 'all you can eat muffet'
( Pizopop, Thu 15 Nov 2018, 18:25, Reply)

"Waiter! There's a fly in my soup"
"Apologies sir, but my cock was cold"
( cumquat may this is a tribute to the best sig in the world, Thu 15 Nov 2018, 4:05, Reply)

Freddie's Omelette
I was helping Freddie Mercury in his kitchen. He wanted to make an omelette. I asked him how many eggs he would need, 2 or 3. He just sang out: "I want to break free!"

.
.

I'll get me coat!!
(Victor Victoria, Thu 8 Nov 2018, 23:02, Reply)

alright

( bent reznor carol vorderman's magnificent arse, Thu 8 Nov 2018, 22:32, 1 reply, 1 week ago)

I went to that new equine restaurant for a fancy lunch, but it's not for everyone. Horses for courses.
( JimmerUK Everyone's Favourite Jim, Wed 7 Nov 2018, 1:34, Reply)

An Scottish horse, an Irish horse, and a Rabbi horse walk into a bar
They make a bet that they'll try and pick up the next female horse that walks in. A beautiful chestnut filly walks in and orders a campari and soda. The Scottish horse downs its single malt whisky, smooths out its kilt, adjusts its sporran and walks over and stands beside her.
"Neigh!", he says, "Neigh, neigh. Neigh!!!". The preliminaries over, he mounts her and sends a couple of tables tumbling over as he feverishly pumps away, spilling some of the other patrons' pints all over the patterned carpet. To be honest, I don't have punchline for this joke. I probably should have thought of one before I started writing it
( cumquat may this is a tribute to the best sig in the world, Tue 6 Nov 2018, 23:11, Reply)

Why do they call it an Xbox 360?
Because you turn 360° and walk away
( $$, Tue 6 Nov 2018, 19:48, 7 replies, latest was 1 week ago)

A skeleton walks into a pub
He walks up to the bar and says "Pint of lager and a mop please"
(Lord Iffy Boatrace, Thu 1 Nov 2018, 21:19, 3 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)

I told this joke to my cats...
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kitties: Meow

Me: To end up on your plate!

Kitties: nyom nyom nyom
(DingoChavez I will be good. I will be good., Wed 31 Oct 2018, 2:32, 1 reply, 3 weeks ago)

I went to this shop where you still have to ask the shopkeeper for things over the counter...
"Have you got any 60-watt bulbs? I need one for the bedroom, I've got no idea what I'm doing in the dark"
"Screw-in?"
"Like I say, no idea"
(costas, Mon 29 Oct 2018, 19:14, 1 reply, 2 weeks ago)

Why did the poltergeist not cross the road?
He was trapped on the other side.
( joefish It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks, Mon 29 Oct 2018, 16:06, Reply)

I tried to have a conversation with a climate change doomsdayer
But he was all MEE, MEE, MEE.
( krang, Sat 27 Oct 2018, 22:03, 1 reply, 2 weeks ago)

I have Phophobia
I'm irrationally frightened of a Vietnamese soup consisting of broth, rice noodles called bánh phở, a few herbs, and meat, primarily made with either beef or chicken.

It's a curse.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 22 Oct 2018, 15:57, Reply)

What do call the fear of developing a stutter.....
Phophophophobia.
(DrCJBoduma, Sun 21 Oct 2018, 16:50, Reply)

What's the difference between a trip to the hairdressers and having a shit?
At the hairdressers they crimp THEN curl.

I'm not sorry.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Sun 21 Oct 2018, 12:30, Reply)

I went to a restaurant that just served Chicken dishes.
The portions were poultry!
( Ninj, Sat 20 Oct 2018, 15:50, Reply)

I get really angry about people with type 2 diabetes who mismanage their condition.
I mean, it's ridiculous. It's a straightforward condition to manage, with diet and exercise or medication if necessary. And yet, some patients neglect their own health so much that they end up costing the NHS a fortune with totally avoidable consequences: heart disease, eye problems, kidney damage... when it gets to the stage that people's toes have to be amputated, they really are taking the piss.


I'm lack-toes intolerant.
( The Hedgehog From Hell, Sat 20 Oct 2018, 11:33, 1 reply, 4 weeks ago)

What did the wonky line say when it was asking for help?
I ask you..

No apologies.
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Sat 20 Oct 2018, 9:06, Reply)

I've devised a philosophy based around jam
It's for people who want to preserve their way of life.
( Tribs <this space for hire>, Sat 20 Oct 2018, 2:03, Reply)

The real reason people don't wear Speedos any more.
Is because they've got paedos in them.
( ChairmanMiaow Stop! Look! Kitten!, Thu 18 Oct 2018, 20:40, Reply)

My dog's got no nose. How does it smell?
It doesn't, bled to death due to the nose injury.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 18 Oct 2018, 14:32, Reply)

The dead squirrel joke
Why did the squirrel cross the road?
It didn't.
(Hemmo, Wed 10 Oct 2018, 22:08, 2 replies, latest was 4 weeks ago)

I used to work in customer service for a laxative company once...
I was forever telling people 'sorry for any incontinence.'
(EvilClive Insane in da mainframe.., Wed 10 Oct 2018, 10:18, Reply)

My pig's got no nose.
How does it smell?
Disgruntled.
( rob 8===w=), Wed 10 Oct 2018, 9:45, Reply)

A Gadiform goes into a bar. The barman says "why the ling face?"

(60.115.62 (0 votes), Tue 9 Oct 2018, 19:43, Reply)