What do you call a wine bar that only serves Sauvignon Blanc and plays endless noughties pop-soul/jazz in the background?

Samey Winehouse.
(b3ta tosh, Thu 3 Dec 2020, 22:39, Reply)

Niche
I was tasked with making a remake of Starsky and Hutch, but it was to star light entertainers. So we got Les Dennis for the Starsky role, and we wanted Keith Chegwin to play the other one. We got him in to audition, and whilst he was there he said something racist, and I accidently called him the C word, and he went off in a huff, saying he wouldn't do it.

Moral of the story: NEVER CUNT YOUR CHEGGERS BEFORE HE'S HUTCH.
(joehmbunn They speak my name in silent but violents., Wed 2 Dec 2020, 0:25, 1 reply, 3 days ago)

How does Jerome "Little Anthony" Gourdine of Little Anthony and the Imperials
know what the Coronavirus restrictions are, immediately upon waking up in the morning?

Tiers on his pillow.
(b3ta tosh, Tue 24 Nov 2020, 14:54, 6 replies, latest was 3 days ago)

When Jamiroquai share a spliff, they call it a "Harry Potter"
because it was created by Jay Kay rolling.
( enceladus, Fri 20 Nov 2020, 23:56, 1 reply, 2 weeks ago)

What do you call a domestic pig who can curl up into a spherical shape so that you can play boules with him?
Pet oink!
(b3ta tosh, Wed 18 Nov 2020, 15:27, 1 reply, 2 weeks ago)

What's the difference
between a black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks, and a black private Dick who's a sex machine to all the tricks?

Shift!
(b3ta tosh, Wed 11 Nov 2020, 13:37, Reply)

What do you call a recently-deceased ex-bond actor who has had his bodily hair removed in order to be prepared for embalming?
SHORN Connery!
( mofaha mu, Tue 3 Nov 2020, 3:44, 7 replies, latest was 3 weeks ago)

Why did covid patient contain his rage with the government response
He was waiting to vent 'til later
( cumquat may will now guess the date while blindfolded. Is it, Mon 2 Nov 2020, 22:32, 2 replies, latest was 5 weeks ago)

What's the opposite of Katie Hopkins?

Antonym Hopkins.
(b3ta tosh, Mon 2 Nov 2020, 14:40, 2 replies, latest was 4 weeks ago)

(dribble in a half shell, Sun 1 Nov 2020, 9:31, 1 reply, 9 hours ago)

What do you call a Chancellor of the Exchequer with eczema?

Rashi Sunak.
(b3ta tosh, Mon 19 Oct 2020, 8:52, 20 replies, latest was 3 weeks ago)

What did Boy George order at his local curry house?
Korma, korma, korma, korma, korma curry meal eat in.
( cumquat may will now guess the date while blindfolded. Is it, Fri 16 Oct 2020, 4:43, Reply)

Apparently the CIA have a vaccine
but you only get immunity once your negligence has caused the death of at least one innocent motorcyclist.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Wed 23 Sep 2020, 22:40, 3 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)

My doctor is terribly boastful. Went for a prostate exam and he just had try and one up me.
(i124nk8 Say it out loud, Thu 10 Sep 2020, 22:02, Reply)

Which famous hairstylist was responsible for making longer hairstyles popular?
COVIDal Sassoon!
(Agent Pr1ck llǝɯs ǝɥʇ sʇI ˙ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ l, Tue 8 Sep 2020, 19:54, Reply)

this has been a long week

(sticklebricks it's you daddy!, Sat 5 Sep 2020, 11:31, 1 reply, 3 months ago)

Best tennis player ever with bow legs
Bandy Murray
( spazzcaptain Misses Valin @, Fri 4 Sep 2020, 23:31, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)

What's the difference between a cucumber and a balloon?
One floats to the sun and the other goes up your bum.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 4 Sep 2020, 23:01, Reply)

How many E's in beer?
Just one. do you wanna dance? I wanna dance
( cumquat may will now guess the date while blindfolded. Is it, Fri 28 Aug 2020, 10:03, Reply)

What does a cannibal have for breakfast?
Feetabix!

Sorry.
(fluckstlicks Whatever you do, do it improperly!, Fri 21 Aug 2020, 1:19, Reply)

How do you help a cannibal?
Give him (or her) a hand.
(fluckstlicks Whatever you do, do it improperly!, Fri 21 Aug 2020, 1:18, Reply)

I've written a three act ensemble piece about Roget's Thesaurus
It's a play on words.
(2kindsofherring, Sat 15 Aug 2020, 20:28, Reply)

Piss poor punnery
My son has recently been on two dates and doesn't know which one to choose so he asked my advice.
I'm not sure I can help him as the first one manages an apiary in Llantwit, whilst the other plays in goal for Cowbridge Ladies. Well they both sound like 'keepers' to me!
(Iawn Cont, Thu 13 Aug 2020, 20:01, Reply)

What's the easiest way to prepare for a Turkish fast food-themed fancy dress party?
Don a kebab.
( Ghostwriter can't pick up his pencil, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 21:59, Reply)

What items are difficult to fit into a nearly-full shopping trolley?
Eggs.
(Justin Vagabond is hiding in Richard Clayderman's briefcase, Wed 22 Jul 2020, 13:16, 1 reply, 5 weeks ago)

70s disco music depresses me
I get down with the beat
(roysin sayeth on this dd/m/yaw of aw lawed, Tue 21 Jul 2020, 2:30, Reply)

What do you call an oppressive potato that resembles a penis?
A dick tater.
( gub~gub established board noob, Wed 15 Jul 2020, 0:04, 1 reply, 5 months ago)

I used to get some foreigner to prepare a smoked herring breakfast for me
until I joined UKIP
( cumquat may will now guess the date while blindfolded. Is it, Mon 13 Jul 2020, 9:19, Reply)

Elton John stays in a hotel...
At breakfast, he starts crying when he is served.
"What's up, sir?" says the waiter when he sees Elton crying.
"This egg," says Elton, "It's a little bit runny..."
(chocolateunicorn, Thu 2 Jul 2020, 15:29, 2 replies, latest was 4 months ago)

A horse walks into a bar...
The barman looks up and says "Hey, I know you! Didn't you eat my thesaurus?"
"Nope" says the horse.
(FieldingMellish, Sun 28 Jun 2020, 7:30, 1 reply, 5 months ago)