I dropped a tomahawk on my car
It was an accident
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 22 Mar 2023, 3:13, 4 replies, latest was 3 days ago)

They say the hospice industry is booming, but my business failed.
They foreclosed on my bottling plant and I had to sell the whole stable of hosses.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Mon 20 Mar 2023, 21:14, Reply)

The lead singer of 5ive has an idea about how to develop his large area of land,
but at the moment it's just an Abz tract concept.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 16 Mar 2023, 8:59, Reply)

What do call it when your goldfish refuses to come out from under the fake aquarium coral?
Carpal tunnel syndrome
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 15 Mar 2023, 0:41, Reply)

Which German-French multinational company that produces baking goods is a sworn enemy of Spider-Man?

Dr. Oetkerpus!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 13 Mar 2023, 8:48, Reply)

Tattoo
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for an impressionist scene all the way from my shoulders to my waist and paid them £500. The artist worked tirelessly for hours. When I looked in the mirror I was appalled to find they had inked Edvard Munch's The Scream. I said I wasn't happy and I wanted my back Monet.
(CleverLittlePIg, Wed 8 Mar 2023, 21:31, Reply)

A man walks into a Bar.
Ms Refaeli says "fucking hell, either you're tiny or my cunt got really slack."
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 2 Mar 2023, 15:59, 9 replies, latest was 3 weeks ago)

Thomas the Tank Engine rolls into a bar...
The barman says "I'm not serving you, you're steaming already."

(Apologies etc, my kids loved making these up with me)
( Araucaria is such a tit, Thu 2 Mar 2023, 14:00, 2 replies, latest was 3 days ago)

what do dogs like best about trees?
bark
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 2 Mar 2023, 6:58, 1 reply, 4 weeks ago)

Why did the eagle stop picking on the baby ducks?
He was worried it would be seen as punching down!
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Wed 1 Mar 2023, 20:18, 1 reply, 4 weeks ago)

What is the job title of the person responsible for ensuring the correct dimensions of soon-to-be-deceased actor Tom Sizemore's crypt?

Tomb Sizer!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 28 Feb 2023, 11:45, Reply)

Why does Paul Hollywood only make bread while watching classical Japanese theater?

( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Tue 28 Feb 2023, 4:37, 3 replies, latest was 4 weeks ago)

What do you call the largest alpha ocelot?
The Magnum O-puss
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 24 Feb 2023, 0:18, 1 reply, 4 weeks ago)

Which Irish harbingers of death deliver Sean Connery's diabetes medication?
The Banshees of Inshulin.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 23 Feb 2023, 8:12, 1 reply, 4 weeks ago)

Which Japanese superhero loves cheese?
Parme-san
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Thu 23 Feb 2023, 7:06, Reply)

Who wrote Last of the Waxed Mohicans?
James Fannymore Cooper
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 23 Feb 2023, 3:06, Reply)

What do you use to count your money, money, money?
An abbacus.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Wed 22 Feb 2023, 21:44, Reply)

Which sandwich filling is barely audible?
Murmur-lade
( Turtle Power, Mon 20 Feb 2023, 23:25, 11 replies, latest was 3 weeks ago)

What's Boba Fett's favourite meat based motor?
The Spam DeLorean
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Sun 19 Feb 2023, 20:25, Reply)

AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
I cheated on my wife with her sister. She suspected something was going on, but I managed to gaslight her so successfully that she killed herself. lol!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Fri 17 Feb 2023, 10:58, 1 reply, 5 weeks ago)

The arms of which 19th century British philosopher rotate when it's windy?
John Stuart Mill
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 14 Feb 2023, 0:00, Reply)

Why did the naughty little yellow bird keep eating mother's yeast?
Because it had a canereal disease
( gub~gub established board n00b, Sun 12 Feb 2023, 3:39, Reply)

The US announced it will continue to use standard imperial measurements
But not furlong.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Sat 11 Feb 2023, 15:52, 2 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)

Who was the seashore's favourite song writer?
Burt Bladderwrack
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Fri 10 Feb 2023, 17:21, Reply)

What do you call a Black Person who hates jews?
Ne-Yo Nazi.
(FrenchBoast, Fri 10 Feb 2023, 14:04, 2 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)

What's the difference between A Orgasm and Liz Truss?
My Orgasms lasted longer.
(FrenchBoast, Fri 10 Feb 2023, 14:03, 1 reply, 6 weeks ago)

How can you generate images by looking?
A.Eye
(FrenchBoast, Fri 10 Feb 2023, 14:02, Reply)

Why do Ukrainian soldiers' willies keep flopping out?
Because they are operating in a no fly zone.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Thu 9 Feb 2023, 15:34, Reply)

Why does Robert De Niro avoid pancakes?
Crêpe fear
( Turtle Power, Tue 7 Feb 2023, 23:01, 2 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)

see men
the female sperm asked the male sperm,
is their any women in here?
the male said:

sorry no, I only see men.


haha.

this came off the top of my head. dont blame me.
(sosaucyyyy22 -, Tue 7 Feb 2023, 17:54, 2 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)