What did the Hollywood heart-throb say
when, after finding himself in a bit of bother with allegations of drink/drug problems and abusive relationships with women (rather like his co-star in a 2013 flop), he decided to take a break from acting to retrain as a pirate - but, on his first day on his new ship, he bashed his thumb with a carpentry tool while trying to reattach the foremast?
(b3ta tosh, Thu 14 Jan 2021, 15:45, 1 reply, 2 days ago)

Which Plantagenet king was so hairy that he was often mistaken for a bear?
Richard the Furred.
(b3ta tosh, Sun 3 Jan 2021, 15:36, 13 replies, latest was 2 days ago)

Nigel farage popped round earlier to pick up his copy of the Ian Curtis biopic he'd lent me over Christmas
He was taking back control
(Graham coxon out of blur, Fri 1 Jan 2021, 16:27, Reply)

What did Vincent van Gogh's friends say to him when he got home from the plastic surgery hospital?
Happy New Ear!
(Covid69, Fri 1 Jan 2021, 13:10, Reply)

What did God say on the 24th of December, 2.8 million years ago
as he watched the formation of a land bridge between the continents of North and South America?

"It's beginning to look a lot like isthmus!"
(b3ta tosh, Tue 15 Dec 2020, 13:10, Reply)

What colour are debts in aquariums?
Eau de nil
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Sat 12 Dec 2020, 19:27, Reply)

What do you call quiet elves?
shelves
( cumquat may will now guess the date while blindfolded. Is it, Thu 10 Dec 2020, 12:49, 1 reply, 5 weeks ago)

Why does Mr T insist on decorating every inch of his house with garish Christmas decorations and lights every year?

He ain't gettin' on no plain Yule!
(b3ta tosh, Tue 8 Dec 2020, 22:37, Reply)

Last summer I went camping in France and ended up pitched next to a fucking gigantic tent occupied by an 80s British insipid dinner party soul singer
It was the marquee de Sade
( Queef Richard's U r a 🔔🔚, Tue 8 Dec 2020, 17:02, 1 reply, 6 weeks ago)

What did popular West Country singer 'Boney M' say
when he was told that his illegitimate daughter is popular food television personality Mary Berry?

"Berry's Moi choild? Jesus Chroist."
(b3ta tosh, Mon 7 Dec 2020, 14:18, 2 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)

I did Nazi that coming!
Did you know all of Adolf Hitler's friends used to call him Richard Potato.

..Everyone else called him Dick Tater.

I'll get my coat then.
"Taxi"
*Leaves very quickly *
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Sun 6 Dec 2020, 19:38, Reply)

I was walking down the street when this bloke started throwing animal skins at me.

I got pelted.
(CleverLittlePIg, Sun 6 Dec 2020, 17:58, Reply)

What do you call a wine bar that only serves Sauvignon Blanc and plays endless noughties pop-soul/jazz in the background?

Samey Winehouse.
(b3ta tosh, Thu 3 Dec 2020, 22:39, Reply)

Niche
I was tasked with making a remake of Starsky and Hutch, but it was to star light entertainers. So we got Les Dennis for the Starsky role, and we wanted Keith Chegwin to play the other one. We got him in to audition, and whilst he was there he said something racist, and I accidently called him the C word, and he went off in a huff, saying he wouldn't do it.

Moral of the story: NEVER CUNT YOUR CHEGGERS BEFORE HE'S HUTCH.
(joehmbunn They speak my name in silent but violents., Wed 2 Dec 2020, 0:25, 1 reply, 6 weeks ago)

How does Jerome "Little Anthony" Gourdine of Little Anthony and the Imperials
know what the Coronavirus restrictions are, immediately upon waking up in the morning?

Tiers on his pillow.
(b3ta tosh, Tue 24 Nov 2020, 14:54, 6 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)

When Jamiroquai share a spliff, they call it a "Harry Potter"
because it was created by Jay Kay rolling.
( enceladus, Fri 20 Nov 2020, 23:56, 1 reply, 8 weeks ago)

What do you call a domestic pig who can curl up into a spherical shape so that you can play boules with him?
Pet oink!
(b3ta tosh, Wed 18 Nov 2020, 15:27, 1 reply, 2 months ago)

What's the difference
between a black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks, and a black private Dick who's a sex machine to all the tricks?

Shift!
(b3ta tosh, Wed 11 Nov 2020, 13:37, Reply)

What do you call a recently-deceased ex-bond actor who has had his bodily hair removed in order to be prepared for embalming?
SHORN Connery!
( mofaha muuuuuuuuuuu, Tue 3 Nov 2020, 3:44, 7 replies, latest was 2 months ago)

Why did covid patient contain his rage with the government response
He was waiting to vent 'til later
( cumquat may will now guess the date while blindfolded. Is it, Mon 2 Nov 2020, 22:32, 2 replies, latest was 2 months ago)

What's the opposite of Katie Hopkins?

Antonym Hopkins.
(b3ta tosh, Mon 2 Nov 2020, 14:40, 2 replies, latest was 2 months ago)

(:), Sun 1 Nov 2020, 9:31, 2 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)

What do you call a Chancellor of the Exchequer with eczema?

Rashi Sunak.
(b3ta tosh, Mon 19 Oct 2020, 8:52, 20 replies, latest was 2 months ago)

What did Boy George order at his local curry house?
Korma, korma, korma, korma, korma curry meal eat in.
( cumquat may will now guess the date while blindfolded. Is it, Fri 16 Oct 2020, 4:43, Reply)

Apparently the CIA have a vaccine
but you only get immunity once your negligence has caused the death of at least one innocent motorcyclist.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Wed 23 Sep 2020, 22:40, 3 replies, latest was 3 months ago)

My doctor is terribly boastful. Went for a prostate exam and he just had try and one up me.
(i124nk8 Say it out loud, Thu 10 Sep 2020, 22:02, Reply)

Which famous hairstylist was responsible for making longer hairstyles popular?
COVIDal Sassoon!
(Agent Pr1ck llǝɯs ǝɥʇ sʇI ˙ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ l, Tue 8 Sep 2020, 19:54, Reply)

this has been a long week

(sticklebricks it's you daddy!, Sat 5 Sep 2020, 11:31, 1 reply, 4 months ago)

Best tennis player ever with bow legs
Bandy Murray
( spazzcaptain Misses Valin @, Fri 4 Sep 2020, 23:31, 1 reply, 3 months ago)

What's the difference between a cucumber and a balloon?
One floats to the sun and the other goes up your bum.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 4 Sep 2020, 23:01, Reply)