I went to the zoo, but all they had was one small dog.
It was a shit zoo.
( Tagnut loves pies, Tue 16 Jul 2019, 15:37, Reply)

What's got eight legs and is able to score shit despite never leaving the closet?
the x-factor judging panel
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Tue 16 Jul 2019, 6:12, Reply)

Did you hear about the naked waiter on minimum wage?
He's barely putting food on the table
(WinnieTheTurd, Wed 10 Jul 2019, 23:41, Reply)

Midnight conversation
"I'm a bat!"
"You're an Owl!"
"I'm a Bath Towel!"
( Whiffert Support the Free Balogna Movement!, Wed 10 Jul 2019, 18:42, Reply)

How do you know
when there's a singer at your door?
They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
(glammerocity state of the art Luddite, Sat 6 Jul 2019, 13:10, 1 reply, 1 week ago)

Two Monkeys
Two Monkeys in a bath
"OOooOOOo EEEEEeeeee AH HA hahahAAAH!"

"Listen, if its that hot, put some cold in"
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 5 Jul 2019, 20:09, Reply)

Why did the feminist keep overeating at Greggs?
It was the fault of the pastriarchy
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Fri 5 Jul 2019, 6:12, Reply)

Dancing on ice is launching in China. Except its set in a paddyfield.
yep.. "Dancing on Rice"
( DuffGardens sitting on the sofa eating crisps, Wed 3 Jul 2019, 18:30, Reply)

I once wrote a one-line story about the refractive properties of glass but it was so bad I got a prism sentence.

( Tribs <this space for rent>, Tue 2 Jul 2019, 10:17, Reply)

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman asks "Why the long pause?"
The horse replies "Cot death".
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sun 30 Jun 2019, 3:35, 1 reply, 1 week ago)

I'm on a seafood diet.
I eat what comes from the sea.
( gub~gub "< - !, Sat 29 Jun 2019, 21:24, Reply)

Why didn't Billy Idol start the fire?
Sorry I've mucked this one up. Why didn't get Billy Idol get arrested for starting a fire. Arson. Why didn't Billy Idol. Billy Joel. Why didn't Billy Joel get arrested for arson?
Because we, I mean he, didn't start the fire!
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Tue 25 Jun 2019, 2:43, 2 replies, latest was 3 weeks ago)

I heard a really good joke about UDP
But you might not get it
( H.B.Mupps have you ever had an Alphabeat stranglewank?, Fri 21 Jun 2019, 13:51, 1 reply, 1 week ago)

I was at my old rave club last week, but it was so rundown that stray animals had found a way in and were eating peoples stashes
The place had gurn to the dogs
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Tue 18 Jun 2019, 10:03, Reply)

Dougie the Dog
Took Dougie our dirty hairy dog to be clipped the other day. I told the groomer I wanted him clipped right back. He came out all clipped and clean and immediately went into his favourite tree impression...of a Douglas Fir. Sorry! Probably could have told that a bit better too.
(Super Twat, Tue 11 Jun 2019, 12:48, Reply)

Did you hear that the alphabet died?
Died from a vowel obstruction.
( $$, Mon 10 Jun 2019, 10:18, Reply)

My dog has no dictionary
How does it spell terrible?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 6 Jun 2019, 13:00, 1 reply, 6 weeks ago)

Why does phil collins like to wank out of an upstairs window after dinner?
so he can feel it coming in the air tonight
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Tue 28 May 2019, 10:25, Reply)

What is Phil Collins' favourite Chinese branch of a Swedish high-end audio retailer?
Suzhou Sudio.
(the porcupine from purgatory let's make this good, Fri 24 May 2019, 21:58, Reply)

Wh-What's Ph-Ph-Phil C-C-C-C-Collins' fa-fa-favourite pu-pu-pu-puzzle?
Su-su-su-doku.
(the porcupine from purgatory let's make this good, Wed 22 May 2019, 13:38, Reply)

The only joke I've ever actually created:
(Context - when the big art installation of decorated fibreglass cows was going from city to city around Europe, I was playing in a bar in Zurich. Question to the audience in between numbers.)

Ein Kuh mach Muh.
Machen viele Kühe Mühe ?

I guess you had to be there.
( blyerkit e k trilby, Wed 22 May 2019, 11:12, 2 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)

I'm not a big fan of levers,
I mean, they have their moments, but people tend to talk them up too much.
(Piddins Drinking Double Dutch since, Sat 18 May 2019, 20:45, Reply)

A woman is having a shower when the doorbell rings.
She gets out to answer the door but realises there is no towel in the bathroom, so she puts on her robe, grabs a clean towel from the airing cupboard and wraps it around her wet hair. She peeks through her broken blinds and sees a man wearing sunglasses and a shirt that reads SMITH'S BLIND REPAIRS. "Well," she thinks, "I know they said they'd be here first thing, but he's a little earlier than I expected. She opens the front door.

The man says: "Good morning, love. I'm here to fix your blinds."
He thinks to himself: "Cracking tits, I wish she'd answered the door naked."
( tangledupinblue, Thu 16 May 2019, 12:20, 1 reply, 8 weeks ago)

How do they put the holes in a colander?





Sieve I care.
(Delay Tactics Intentionally left blank, Wed 15 May 2019, 21:13, Reply)

What do you call a monkey in a bunker?
.
.
.
.
.
A bunkey.
( Chad_Wackerman, Mon 13 May 2019, 19:47, 4 replies, latest was 8 weeks ago)

What does Phil Collins instruct his lawyers to do when he wants to initiate triple legal action against deceased Rainbow singer Ronnie James?
Sue-sue-sue Dio.
(the porcupine from purgatory let's make this good, Fri 10 May 2019, 21:14, Reply)

How do you know if Phil Collins has got root on your system?
Su-su-sudo.
( rob 8===w=), Fri 10 May 2019, 18:40, Reply)

Which reggae singer resembles a radiant heating appliance for generating thermal radiation for outdoor use?

Patio Burner!!!
( $$, Wed 19 Dec 2018, 11:42, Reply)

I met Fred Flintstone at a party in the Middle East
It was an Abu Dhabi do
( cumquat may Bring it! And by it I mean sandwiches, Wed 19 Dec 2018, 11:15, 3 replies, latest was 7 months ago)

Which reggae singer sexually assaults people on the posterior?

Pato Bottom!!!
( $$, Mon 17 Dec 2018, 12:01, Reply)