NEWSLETTER: "YOUR EMAIL IS ON STRIKE AND READING IT MAKES YOU A SCAB"
This Week:
* KUNT FOR NO 1 - with 'F*ck The Tories'
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Food in art, results
* GO OUT - and do some nerd karaoke
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the content pipe
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 841 - 9th Dec 2022
Read this issue on the bog whilst straining a poo:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue841
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making bad smells in the lift
* FUCK THE TORIES - B3ta's resident popstar Kunt
is making his annual doomed attempt at getting
to Number 1 in the charts, this time with a
lovely ditty called 'F*ck The Tories' so make
sure you buy all 10 or so remixes starting on
the 16th of December, so it can shoot up the hit
parade and embarrass whoever is PM by then.
https://theconservatives.info/
* CAMBERWICK GREEN : A NEW HOPE - Drivelsieve
has mashed up Windy Miller and Darth Vader in a
surprisingly charming way.
https://b3ta.com/links/Camberwick_Green_A_New_Hope
* COME TO NERD KARAOKE - Ed Jeffs, you may
remember him from previous newsletter content
where he made a one letter version of Wordle, is
putting on a Karaoke night where people sing pop
songs about computer games and he wants you to
go. Or, as he explains it: "A library of more
than 500 karaoke classics that we want you to
perform: except we’ve rewritten all the words to
be jokes about video games (and other
nerd-adjacent topics). Don't worry, only about
300 of them are about having sex with Pokémon!
It's at the Loading Bar in Peckham on Sat 17th
Dec."
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/maraoke-christmas-p...
* YES, MORE BEATLES POD PROMO - EggPod Chris has
done an episode on the rather obscure Lennon LP,
Some Time In New York, and it's a very
listenable podcast about a pretty unlistenable
LP. The enthusiasm is infectious.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2022/12/08/some-time-in-n...
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Christmas means durable stocking fillers
It's coming up to Christmas, so it's time to buy
the men in your life some durable jeans and
shirts so they look swish for the new year. Buy
lots of them too so that Hebtro don't think it's
a bad idea to keep sponsoring this terrible
newsletter. Link goes to all the new stuff, so
get gift buying.
https://hebtro.co/new/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for internet likes
Each week you type some fibs into a Google form
and we publish them on the internet dot com to
see if anyone sticks a thumb up their
cyber-anus:
* JUSTICE - "Was seriously romantically involved
with another woman for a few years and my wife
found out. They talked on the telephone and,
surprisingly, got along & became friends. Now
they're in a book club together and text every
day - meanwhile I've never felt more lonesome."
* BLEAT - "My GF and I like to role play. She
suggested we play the angry farmer and the
naughty sheep. She even bought herself a rubbish
sheep costume. It was going well but as she
climaxed she shouted BAA, put me right off."
* FRESH - "I was staying in a hotel and bought a
girl back. She said she was going to freshen up
and gave me a wink. I heard the tap come on and
thought she was planning sex in the shower so I
burst in. She was having a shit and had turned
on the tap to cover the noise."
If this is your type of thing, join the 780,000
people who like nothing better than posting "no,
that didn't happen" at everything our poor
little bot posts.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
But do buy the book as it's an ideal Christmas
present for someone who laughs at things they
shouldn't like your horrible Uncle Peter. Yes,
him, you know the one, it'll be his last
Christmas before he's sent down.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Content to download with your Freeserve CD
* CASH FOR PARTNERS - Find out how many camels
your girlfriend / wife or boyfriend / husband is
worth.
https://kamelrechner.eu/en
* BORDERLINE TRAMPY CAM - Found ourselves
watching this half an hour video of a bloke
"stealth camping" in a McDonalds carpark. He has
a grand old time, chatting to the camera, and
downing half a bottle of scotch. Thanks YouTube
algorhythm.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* BLOW IT ALL UP - Neal continues his move from
.fun to .despair projects with this take on
Nukemap, showing the potential damage should
various sized asteroids hit your hometown. Why
not drop one on Slough in memory of Sir John
Betjeman?
https://neal.fun/asteroid-launcher/
* TELETEXT ELITE - We always get geek imposter
syndrome for finding Elite a bit of a dull game.
We do, however, love Ceefax, and so this remake
of Elite for the BBC Micro's Teletext Mode makes
it far more appealing. An electronics nerd now
just needs to make it playable with a TV remote
control.
https://bbcelite.com/hacks/teletext_elite.html
* CHAT AI INCEPTION - Everyone's been messing
with ChatGPT but this is particularly impressive
- they got it to conjure up a virtual machine to
run code, with an imaginary alternate internet
to interact with, & even its own API... then
asked that version of itself to create a virtual
machine...
https://www.engraved.blog/building-a-virtual-machi...
* BANGERS GAME - Presumably a pun on the word
bangers has led to this moment in which you get
to turn your breakfast into a drum and bass
tune. Fingers crossed for a Pete Doherty Mega
Breakfast 12" Remix.
https://sheepandram.itch.io/breakfast-bangers
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Food in Art
Here's the best images from last week:
* A Grange Hill joke from Plankton:
http://b3ta.com/board/11381869
* A Deliveroo joke from Ninj:
https://b3ta.com/board/11382432
* A 'two soups' joke from Christhebarker, who
has finally changed his name from Dr Dunno on
B3ta, so stop people accusing us of ripping him
off, when it's him who's posting his own stuff:
https://b3ta.com/board/11382646
* See all the other images from the 'Food in
Art' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/foodinart/popular
>> This week: Cyborgs <<
Elon Musk is experimenting on monkeys by
sticking microchips in their heads so the ones
that survive the ordeal can play Pong. What
other madcap fun and games surrounds the world
of cyborgery? How would having robot bits help
you in your life?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cyborgs/popular
-------------------------------------------------
: OH AND WE SHOULD PIMP THE FESSHOLE SHOW AGAIN
December 21st, that London
Do come because your editor plans to do the show
and then hang around and chat with
b3tans/fessholians who fancy getting arseholed
just before Christmas. Tickets are selling well,
well we've sold 76.5% of all 200, so book now to
avoid "disappointment".
https://www.designmynight.com/london/whats-on/come...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Ideas to start you off
* SOCIAL MEDIA RPG - feels like having a Twitter
account these days is too much stress, maybe it
could just be a role playing game where you
decide how edgelord / scold you want to be to
get followers.
* COOKING WITH CAT MILK - your guide to making
cheese with Whiskers' Kitten Milk.
* DOLCE GUSTO HACKING - we got one of these in
B3ta HQ and we're not allowed to break it yet.
So can you find out what happens if you crack
open the capsules and fill them with custard
powder, gravy granules or even Grandad's sperm?
Stick your missives in our shit pipe:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
Oh a bonus idea just for fun, we think fun could
be had at the moment by pretending to be a TV
company / ad agency and making calls to soon to
be ex MPs like Hancock and Javid and offering
them roles in adverts for toilet cleaner etc and
seeing what bollocks you could get them to
provisionally agree to.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You're welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock
knock. Who's there? A spider with an erection.
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
