NEWSLETTER: "WE WOULD REALLY LIKE YOU TO READ THIS NEWSLETTER OK?"
This Week:
* HELP KUNT UNDERMINE THE MONARCHY - if you like
* NEW CHALLENGE - animal musicals
* TETRIS - play it as it was originally designed
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | printing it out & sending
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| scans to archive.org"
B3ta email 857 - 14th Apr 2023
Read this issue out with the "say" command:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue857
Subscribe, you shits: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than large amounts of tooth plaque
* HELP KUNT AND THE GANG - Kunt is making yet
another assault on the charts, this time to mock
the coronation of King Prince Charles and he
wants your help to write some remixes. Going to
press this closing date is today, but maybe you
can twist his arm, or want to support his
project anyway.
https://katg.co.uk/
* 39 SECONDS OF FELINE BANJO - LS18 has been
making content we might have made in Macromedia
Flash twenty years ago, and it's still
entertaining.
https://b3ta.com/links/39_seconds_of_feline_banjo
* BURPY ROBERT SMITH, Mark Hyperaud writes, "We
made a thing called Skyppy that allows you to
skip all the boring parts of YouTube videos,
such as music, noise, silence and men talking.
Here's a demo of it in action, showing Robert
Smith responding to an interviewer with only
grunts and awkward facial expressions. I'm sure
B3TA readers can come up with something much
better!"
https://skyppy.tv/#v=udVvb5giPcg&s=hqn&h=Chigusa&l=Robert
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
New arrivals, check out the clothes
Hebtro make fancy clobber that costs a bit but
is designed to last. Make sure your legs and
arms are covered in the stuff because every
penny you spent with them helps B3ta and
Fesshole to continue to exist. Thank you.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for the hell of it
Each week you spunk your lies into a Google bin
and we fish around in it and pull out a few to
see which ones get a few "likes" on Elon's
despair machine:
* READER I MARRIED HIM - "My husband is banned
from the cinema after loudly uttering 'it needs
to be deeper, a dog will dig that up' during the
burial of Dobbie"
* HEARTWARMING - "Lost a drunken bet and had to
join a trainspotting group. They're honestly a
lovely bunch of people and I've stuck with them.
I couldn't care less about trains, but we do a
nice walk and talk. Then I have to ooh and arh
at a train and it is back to having a laugh."
* WE'VE ALL DONE IT - "Arranged to meet a guy
from Grindr in a local park. Found him in the
dark at the agreed time, and had a quick root.
As I got back to my car a message arrived from
the guy, saying he was running 10 mins late.
Still have no idea who I fucked in the dark that
night. Oops."
Join the 945,000 people who've mistaken this
account for the funny one which posts clips of
hoovers that sing like Tony Hadley:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
You know we've got a book out? YES. It costs
jack shit at £6.49 which means you should buy
two, one to read and one to wipe your butt with,
come the next loo roll pandemic.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
LIVE SHOWS COMING UP - Edinburgh (sold out),
Manchester, Bristol & Belfast! Come if you want
to see a newsletter editor wearing a priest
outfit.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made my people cleverer than us
* DUKE NUKEM, BRITISH REBOOT - this mod of some
crap old first person shooter is truly what
you'd get if Cold War Steve was making Doom
wads. Someone should do a v/o version explaining
every reference.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_only_true_English_game_...
* A SONG CREATED OUT OF "YEAH" - nice bit of
editing where someone has taken all the yeahs
from various songs and made a tune out of it.
Maybe next they can do something with every time
Liam Gallagher sings "shine".
https://b3ta.com/links/Yeah:14
* FARTROBICS - Of course you want to watch a
series of farts added to exercise videos.
https://b3ta.com/links/Puerile_fart_video_The_best...
* DOOGIE HOWSER BROWSER AROUSER - Loads of
people have made Matrix-inspired hacker
simulators over the years, allowing the user to
pretend to be a massive geek by whacking away at
their keyboard while fake code appears. But
Doogie Howser was a far bigger nerd than Neo,
and this site lets you pretend you're writing a
journal on his IBM PS/2 instead. Far better.
https://btjak.es/doogie/
* CARDS AGAINST HUMAN-AI-TY - A Twitter/Web3 Is
Going Great type site, but about things going
wrong in the world of ChatGPT. In this case,
ChatGPT has built the site itself, which feels
almost like bullying of our poor little job
thief friend.
https://cardsagainstchatgpt.com
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: FRIDAY GAME(s)
Yes it's literally Tetris
In order to plug the movie, you can now play a
remake of what Tetris looked like on the
Electronika 60. The original game didn't have
any music, though. If they weren't going to
bother with audio accuracy, they should just
have gone "fuck it" and used Doctor Spin
instead.
https://tetris.com/tetris-e60/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Jesus' Greatest TV Moments
Here's the best images from last week:
* Plankton puts Jesus on Would I Lie To You
https://b3ta.com/board/11390700
* Twisted Omentum adds our Lord and saviour to
Only Fools and Horses
https://b3ta.com/board/11390945
* And thanks to @lexustwit for bringing Jesus to
Fawlty Towers
https://b3ta.com/board/11391000
* See all the other images from the 'Jesus'
Greatest TV Moments' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tvjesus/popular
>> This week: Animal Musicals <<
Everyone loves Cats and the Lion King, so why
not give other animals a go? Put animals in all
the musicals!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalmusicals/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* WAG - THE MOVIE - Laying in the bath imagining
a film like Ratatouille, called 'Wag' but it's a
dog who writes great jokes and feeds them to a
struggling comedian. In the final credits we see
a series of famous comedians petting their dogs
with the implication that the entire comedy
world is dog controlled.
* NOKIA SNAKE GEOLOCATION GAME - Hear us now
phone companies, a geolocation version of Nokia
Snake. Ping, a' 9' goes off down the road and
you have to go and get it, but your tail gets
longer so you have to go a different way back
home.
* SOCIAL WETWORK - Luke.jackson writes in with a
request, "Crowdfunded assassinations. Members of
the public can pay in a tenner to nominate
someone, ideally someone who is currently a
wrong un and getting away with it." Sounds very
legal.
Stick your work into our content bin:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Wotcha captain - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"Dad loves creepy charity shop portraits. I
commissioned an artist friend to paint two of
the same woman only in one she's smiling. Gave
Dad the other and he put it on the landing.
Changed it for April Fools and it shocked him so
much he fell down the stairs and fractured his
arm."
