NEWSLETTER: "OPENING THIS NEWSLETTER WILL MAKE YOUR BALLS OR OVARIES QUIVER WITH CARNAL LUST"
This Week:
* TIM VINE - Recreated using HTML & Javascript
* EGGPOD - Please vote for it to win Eurovision
* TORY FACTS - You do want Tory Facts don't you?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for laters and eating
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the webgetables first"
B3ta email 869 - 14th July 2023
Read this issue pretending to be a sock:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue869
Subscribe, lobsters: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their parents despair
* SHIT THE TORIES DID - internet shit-stirer
JimmerUK writes, "Do you remember way back last
year, you retweeted my 'Shit the Tories did'
Google form? Well, the past couple of days I
actually did something with the data." Well this
is depressing, apparently the Tories have done
loads of bad things, who knew?
https://dont-forget.co.uk/what-the-tories-did/
* REALISTIC TIM VINE SIMULATOR - games designer
Quentin Delvallet writes, "Hi, I am Quentin
Delvallet, the French guy who made Mimolette.
You spoke about my game in the latest
newsletter, so I googled Tim Vine, and made a
game about him. I am not sorry for this. Have a
nice day." Wow, this is a response to a request
in last week's newsletter, can more people
listen and act upon our ramblings? Thank you.
https://quentindelvallet.itch.io/earpen
* BUFFY'S SWEARING INTERNET TELEPHONE -
developer David Wakelin has made a "Modern
Remake Of Buffy's Swearing Keyboard" which
"should work on all your smart portable
telephones too" although to be fair to us, the
old one works too, as we bunged it through a
flash emulator a few years back.
https://buffy.davidwakelin.co.uk
* VOTE EGGPOD - B3ta's favourite Beatles
podcaster Chris Shaw writes, "Last year EggPod
somehow made it as a finalist in the British
Podcast Awards - a small fry against the big
guns and celebrities of poddage. This year,
could it possibly... win? If you get a moment
could you possibly help out and cast a vote
here?" We've voted AND thrown eggs at the judges
for a bit of pre-vote marketing.
https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting/
* NAPOLEON TRAILER REMIXED - video trickster
Dogfood has remade the "Napoleon Trailer but
Napoleon from Bill & Ted" Made us smile and want
to watch both films.
https://b3ta.com/links/Napoleon_Trailer_but_Napole...
Wow, it's a packed B3ta section this week, which
is always a relief, apparently we might have a
new game from Matt Round for next week too.
Bunting for everyone.
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes ok?
What are you wearing? Is it completely shit?
Help is at hand with Hebtro who'll take your
pennies and turn them into hard-wearing clothes,
all made in the UK. Thanks Hebtro, we are no
longer naked.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up like cat vomit
Each week you wank your lies into a big sock and
we scrape a few off and read them out on
CB-Radio and see if they get any truckers to say
"ten-four":
* SNEAKY - "We started putting extra food in our
12 y/o's packed lunch after he expressed upset
that a couple of poor kids in his class 'never
have enough to eat.' 6 months in the lying
little bastard is almost a stone heavier and it
rather looks like we've been duped."
* FOOD TIPS - "Got dumped. She dated a new lad.
Feeling jilted I anonymously stalked his
instagram stories. Two years on I'm still doing
it. But not for the reason you'd think. He's got
an unreal eye for a restaurant. Never had a bad
meal whenever I've gone out ever since."
* KIDS SAY THE CUNTIEST THINGS - "My 5yo son's
confession really. He's started addressing me
Daddy-Waddy and his Mum Mummy-Wummy. Cute. Same
affectionate formula with his brother,
Eddie-Weddie. Our problem? We named his baby
sister Frankie."
Join the Friends Reunited account that would
probably have one million followers but Elon
Musk is a bell-end so it's only 999,000.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Buy the Kindle version - it's only 99p, what's
that in inflation-UK, like 50 grams of butter?
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
Oh god the Whitley Bay gig was fantastic, one of
our favourites yet for the raw enthusiasm in the
room. Tickets on sale for Walthamstow and
Leicester now. Buy them because every show is
unique, it really is, as the entire second half
is different every time.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Observe W3 code and close the links behind you
* TOYS WITH TOO MUCH VOLTAGE - turns out all you
need to do to create comedy is to add too many
of these volt things to electric toys - maybe
the same would improve Ricky Gervais?
https://b3ta.com/links/Fun_with_voltage
* THE FUTURE OF AI - most AI stuff is boring but
this is so weird most people have accepted that
they are well up for our algo-generated future.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_for_one_welcome_our_new_A...
* BLOB TOY - we weren't going to stick this
physics experiment in but then realised we'd
spent half an hour playing with it. Blobby
blobby blobby!
https://oimo.io/works/blob/
* MSCHF have crowdsourced a cheap rotoscoping of
ironic internet favourite The Bee Movie, should
you want to see a very low resolution version of
the film punctuated with obscene flash frames
from the occasional troll.
https://thefreemovie.buzz
* TETRIS IN REVERSE (arise, sir tet?!) - as you
must chip-off the blocks so that they can fall.
The instructions aren't particularly clear, but
basically the shapes on the left must be cut
from the bottom, and must be the same way up as
pictured. We're pretty sure it's impossible to
win due to the amount of blocks being
indivisible by 4, but it's quite a relaxing
thing to play nevertheless.
https://vividfax.itch.io/fudge
* MIDI UNTIL WE DIE - As a newsletter who has
never forgiven Tim Berners-Lee for removing our
precious HTML MIDI embeds, we enjoyed browsing
this JavaScript player's collection of over
200000 cheesy versions of popular tunes. WE
reckon you'd get less fights on the web if every
site had enforced MIDI.
https://chiptune.app/browse/MIDI/Status%20Quo/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea dick
* LOOKALIKES - write a Chrome plug-in that
replaces every photo of a celebrity with one
from one of those shit lookalike agencies.
* GRAND THEFT CODSALL - we'd like to play a
video game where we steal a Mini Metro and
ram-raid Greggs.
* THE SHINING IN GIFS - Can you tell The Shining
in old Geocities GIFs? We'll start:
https://twitter.com/geocitiesgifbot/status/1679265...
Don't fail us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Righto - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS HOUSE-SELLING FESSHOLE
"I was told that to help sell your house, you
should cook a roast chicken as the smell makes
it 'feel homely', I spent hours slaving over a
chicken before the viewers arrived, within 2
minutes the woman said she would need to leave
as she was vegan and the smell made her sick"
