NEWSLETTER: "WE'VE SYPHONED THE BEST OF THE INTERNET AND TURNED IT INTO A THIN SLURRY YOU CAN DRINK"
This Week:
* NEW CHALLENGE - Sci-fi crossovers
* DRINK DRIVING - like it's 1967
* SUBMIT - your novelty songs
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web with terrible
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| content... together"
B3ta email 872 - 04 Aug 2023
Read this issue pretending to be from Sheffield:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue872
Subscribe, Mardy Bum: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sweet love to their hands
* SUBMIT YOUR FAV NOVELTY SONG - Matt Round
asks, "I need your help for a Thing about
NOVELTY SONGS. You know, those incredibly
weird/terrible singles that somehow got into the
charts & our brains. Send us your suggestions,
old or new; if you're the first to suggest one
we use you'll get credited." Oh you might as
well type some words, it's something to do to
fill the time before death.
https://forms.gle/QeVJfHkzb3uKpxTZA
* FOOTBALL BOLLOCKS - B3ta Fantasy League 2023 /
2024 - Townsendspublisher writes, "I never seem
to have time to focus on my team so have picked
the cheapest squad possible in order to spend
the balance encouraging a coup in Burkina Faso."
We don't understand football but don't want to
alienate the hooligan element of our readership
in case they beat us up.
https://fantasy.premierleague.com/leagues/auto-joi...
* DREGS COMIC, MONEY OFF - Chris Barker has a
second issue of his 90s-based comic out. This
one's set at a festival so you can just sit at
home and imagine you're missing your favourite
band without having to get your clothes dirty.
He says, "If you want 20% off the regular price
of my comic (or the first one too) then you can
use the discount code DREGS20 and I'll stop
begging Rob for newsletter mentions." He won't
you know, he'll never stop.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/peakrillpress/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on previous b3ta stories
* BEN WHEATLEY - One-time B3tan (he even helped
write an issue of this very newsletter once) Mr
Wheatley is now a film director making
blockbuster movies at the scale of Meg 2.
Enquiring minds want to know if he's using his
enormous platform to subtly pay tribute to an
ancient b3ta meme - we could text him and ask,
maybe we'll do that for next week, although
probably not be able to strong arm to write a
newsletter again. UPDATE: We asked him and he
said, slightly cryptically, "OF COURSE!" and
also it's a scene that's not in the film and
purely for the poster.
https://twitter.com/ricomonkeon/status/16870285123...
* JOEL VEITCH - The revival of Joel Veitch's
Spongmonkeys continues and has been picked up by
AdWeek. We do admire Veitch's endless positivity
when dealing with the press - we're far too
jaded and cynical in B3ta Towers to ever be this
enthusiastic.
https://www.adweek.com/brand-marketing/why-quiznos...#
* MATT ROUND - Launched twenty years ago this
week is Matt Rounds's 'coder or serial killer'
quiz. Although this version is a light update to
make sure it works with modern browsers. This
newsletter also notes that Badger Badger Badger
is also soon to be twenty years old and we look
forward to how Jonti Picking is going to
celebrate that.
https://vole.wtf/coder-serial-killer-quiz/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes
Are you a man? Do you know men? Do they need
clothes? Help is at hand from Hebtro who make
clothes, mostly for men, all made in the UK to
the highest standards. Please buy lots of them
so they continue to sponsor B3ta and Fesshole
and we don't have to go back to selling rocks as
laptops from a carboot.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up like cat sick
Each week you type some bollocks into a Google
form and we select a few to post on social media
and see if anyone gives a shit:
* REVENGE - "Years ago my friend was a
contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I
was his phone a friend for the £16,000 question.
The week before he had shouted at my dog for
little to no reason. I deliberately gave him the
wrong answer."
* MORE REVENGE - "We had an extension built. It
was unfinished & our neighbour took photos of
our garden & put them on Facebook saying how
horrible it was. We rendered the whole extension
but left the wall that faces her window so now
she has to look at bare breezeblocks whenever
she looks outside."
* AND CHEATING - "When my mate's bit on the side
told him she was going round to his house later
that evening to tell his wife everything, he
paid me £50 to let myself into his house and
play the part of 'wife', whilst he took actual
wife out for the night. It worked a treat."
Follow the account that's still not quite a
million followers - 998,000 at last count, it's
a struggle to grow the damn thing with Musk
doing all his alienating X bollocks.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Book is back to full price and our publisher
tells us the Kindle promo went well. So buy it
at full price, or shoplift it from your Uncle's
bog:
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
* Next show is at Sept 7th in Walthamstow and
there's tickets available for that and
Leicester.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Here's your Andrew Lloyd Websites
* DRINK DRIVING - It wasn't until 1967 in the UK
that a limit was placed on the amount of alcohol
that could be in your blood before driving. This
fascinating clip interviews drink drivers before
the law was brought in. It's interesting to be
reminded that safety laws often cause a lot of
grumbling and then we all get used to them and
it's absolutely fine: see also Ulez.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* TALK TO AI IN GAMES - So there's been some
update in AI what-nots so you can talk to
non-player-characters and frankly it's a bit
eerie. They're almost real but not happy.
http://b3ta.com/links/1607331
* CLICKER REMOTE JOBBIES - Nice short history on
the first ever TV remote control and how it was,
in some ways, superior to the ones we have now.
https://www.theverge.com/23810061/zenith-space-com...
* DAILY DOODLE CLUB - Instead of a word puzzle,
this site sets you an MS Paint-esque doodle to
do each day. Someone should investigate how much
of a day it would take up to do all the daily
challenges we've been given since Wordle - do we
have enough to fill a whole day yet?
https://dailydoodleclub.com
* SUM FILMS - Always nice to discover an old web
project that's still going. This Harvard
lecturer has been collecting mentions of math(s)
in movies since 2006. It's hosted on Harvard's
server, though, so if he leaves his job, his
site dies. Stuck!
https://people.math.harvard.edu/~knill/mathmovies/
* MULTIPLAYER RETROGAMES ONLINE - No idea what
the legality of this site is, but it allows you
to play multiplayer NES games online whilst
having a chat with your mates. Bookmark it for
the next pandemic. SNES.party also exists, but
they didn't have Gauntlet, so this one wins.
https://nes.party
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Toy Movies
Here's the best images from last week:
* S4RK brings us nightmare fuel
http://b3ta.com/board/11396514
* Monkeon correctly surmises the meaning of
Arrival:
http://b3ta.com/board/11396791
* JimmerUK (not JennerUK, thanks Poke) delves
into the truth lurking in Speak & Speak
http://b3ta.com/board/11396585
* See all the other images from the 'Toy Movies'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/toymovies/popular
>> This week: Sci-Fi : Cross The Streams <<
Star Wars and Star Trek fandoms don't like it
when people get the two worlds muddled up.
Let's add to that confusion and annoyance by
mashing up sci-fi franchises. Pop Davros in
Blade Runner, a lightsaber in 2001, a Sandworm
in Kirk's ear, or whatever else you fancy
photoshopping.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scifimashup/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
Coming up with three ideas for this section
every week can be a challenge, so this week
we're going to take John Higgs' KLF book and
turn to random pages to see what it inspires:
* BLOCK A MILLION FOLLOWERS - Burning a million
quid has been done, so why not build up a social
media account to a million followers and write
code to block them all. This is exactly what
we're going to do if @YokoOnoBot ever reaches a
million.
* CROWDFUND BUYING 808 STATE A SUBMARINE - just
to invalidate Bill Drummond's quote "we've got a
submarine and 808 state haven't"
* AND FINALLY - Some sort of redressing the
balance that a lot of what was floating around
the internet in the 90s wasn't discordianism but
the rival and similar cult Church of the
SubGenius. Not sure what point we're making
other than it was massive and now no one
mentions it.
Don't fail us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Don't call me Shirley -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
Thanks to _escctrl_ for the subject line.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"I'm a straight guy living with terminal cancer.
I've not got long left. From my hospital bed I
recently told my best mate to think of me every
time he gets sucked off, knowing full well
that's going to ruin every blowy he receives
from now until he's dead also."
