NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER HAS BEEN RENAMED 'TOILET ROLL EMOJI' - ADJUST YOUR TATTOOS NOW"
This Week:
* SUBMIT - Your ideas for stupid polls
* DRAW - in the 'reverse' colouring book
* ANNOUNCEMENT - Fesshole live coming to Notts
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're are the newsletter
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | your grandparents warned
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| you about... or not"
B3ta email 873 - 11 Aug 2023
Read this issue whilst having erect balls:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue873
Subscribe, you Wurzels: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than shitting about making 'dump tributes'
* INTRODUCING THE 'UNCOLOURING' BOOK - Rafal
Pastuszak writes, "I made an uncolouring book. I
wouldn't call it NSFW but it's probably not for
children." This is the best thing, you will love
it, and such a clever idea, the colouring is
there, your job is to provide the lines.
https://lines.potato.horse
* GOT ANY IDEAS FOR POLLS? Your newsletter
editor writes, "Wondering about setting up a
thing for polls - if you have any question
suggestions, that is ideas for important or
stupid polls to punt to thousands of people -
add them to this form." Our favourite submission
so far is the always contentious, should milk go
in scrambled eggs or not?
https://forms.gle/p3oaVo5d7kJAvZfk9
* LAUGH - ACTUALLY WE DID - Dogfood writes,
"What if every movie was just Billy Zane saying
'I always win, Jack' in Titanic?" We expected
this to be slick AI garbage but the fact that
it's so shoddily done makes it kinda delightful.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_Always_Win_Jack
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
It's time for you to buy some clothes
The reality is B3ta and Fesshole partly exist,
in the sense we can afford to spend time running
them, because Hebtro bung us some cash to
mention their delightful range of clothes.
They're all made in the UK and will solve the
problem of buying a gift for middle-aged men.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions pulped into content
Each week we ask you to piss and shit into a
Google form and we post photos of the smelliest
looking pisses and shits on social media for you
to say "no, I don't like the look of that"
* BLOWIES - "I was once offered a blowjob out of
nowhere, but had to turn it down, because I
hadn't showered that day. I've since religiously
showered every morning for the last 20 years and
never had the opportunity again."
* MANLY PERIODS - "When I was 11 a school friend
told me he kissed three girls from our class at
the school disco, and that they were so turned
on they 'all went straight into the toilets to
have a period'. For years I was in awe at this
seemingly incredible piece of womanising."
* A BIT SCARY THIS ONE - "For months, my best
way to get my baby to stop crying has been
whispering threats to him in the style of a
villain from a Danny Dyer movie. He finds it
hilarious. But now he's 1 & has started copying.
I'm so scared he's going to threaten to cut his
sister open or call her a cunt."
* Follow the account that does now actually have
a million followers, and the link goes to the
best of June, so it's worth a click if you like
that sort of thing:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/16885620839802...
* It's not too late to buy the book, we're
hoping to announce the second one soon, the
cover got approved today. But you should still
buy the first, so you'll understand the plot.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
* OOH there's a new date in the shows. We've got
NOTTINGHAM just announced, and there's still
tickets for Walthamstow (buy now, 80% gone) and
Leicester (it's next year, you've got time).
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your guide to the internet in futuristic URLS
* DICKING WITH SPAMMERS - ChatGPT has found a
decent use at last, with this bot that replies
to spammers and tries to waste their time with
its endless drivel.
https://thespamchronicles.stavros.io/welcome/
* DDR GAME & WATCH - It's been ten years since
Papers Please came out, and to celebrate that
milestone, the creator has decided to pretend it
has been forty years by releasing this Game and
Watch demake.
https://dukope.itch.io/lcd-please
* YOU'RE HISTORY (NO GOOD TO ME) - We're quite
into the date ordering history quiz format at
the moment, which we put down to middle age
making you suddenly very aware of your own
limited place in time. Comes with soothing
piano music to keep that existential panic at
bay.
https://ledoc.itch.io/chronosort
* BE AFRAID OF THE SEA - Turns out that parking
near the sea could be a bad idea. Apparently a
'freak summer storm' but probably the new
normal.
https://b3ta.com/links/Sploosh:4
* OLD MEMES EXPLAINED - The "I can't believe
you've done this" guy explains the context.
We're always happy to see old memes explained in
exhausting detail. Next week hopefully the Quo
will explain quite why they loved laughing at
disasters so much.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_I_cant_believe_youve_do...
* SHOUTING WOMAN PLAYS DRUMS - This looks like
it's a skit on the White Stripes but rocks
surprisingly hard.
https://b3ta.com/links/Found_my_new_favourite_band
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* REAL PEOPLE SPOONERISMS - on Linkedin we've
found a Nick Deck and you can probably find
more.
[OK, we've hit the point where we don't have ideas
for the next two suggestions, so it's time to do
the gimmick of picking up a book for inspiration.
This week The Essential Guide To Rock On CD by
David Sinclair.]
* ROBERT PLANT OR RUBBER PLANT - the exciting
quiz that's setting your grandparents' inbox on
fire.
* THE 'BIG COUNTRY' HIDDEN SWEARS LIST - Them
and that Sex Pistols Pretty Vacant, and Captain
Sensible's 'Golly baby I'm a lucky cunt' - it
would make quite a strong social media account
if you carefully picked them all out.
Right, send us some emails ok?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Right - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
Thanks to ??? for the subject line.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"Baby daughter couldn't sleep so took her for a
drive in Cardiff. Drove into an empty car park
to see a huge drug deal - packages on bonnets of
cars, guns, heavies. I apologise to the
gangsters of Cardiff if our Mini Metro,
screaming child and handbrake turn upset your
evening."
