NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT ALWAYS COMES WITH A SUPERMARKET YELLOW STICKER"
This Week:
* BRITISH SEASIDE SIMULATOR - experience rain
* BAKED BEANS - the full nauseating results
* NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE - the horror of politics
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web on
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | 9^999 x 1.44mb floppy
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| disks... together"
B3ta email 878 - 15 Sep 2023
Read this issue whilst vaping on farts:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue878
Subscribe, you lurkers: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making groaning noises standing up
* BRITISH SEASIDE SIMULATOR - Matt Round has
either lost his mind or made his most
out-on-a-limb brilliant project yet where he's
attempting to simulate the awesome power of a
visit to the British seaside using only
Javascript and a preternatural understanding of
CSS.
https://vole.wtf/british-seaside/
* BREXIT BENEFITS - Snorty McBumhole is tackling
politics and writes, "I made a thing I thought
was funny. To me, at least. Decided to see if
they were funny enough to sell."
https://ministryofgeeks.etsy.com/listing/156130283...
* DO YOU WANT A LOAD OF COMPUTER GENERATED
HAIKUS? Dngdng writes, "I made this tiny little
poem generator, which churns out condensed
half-sized haiku, that are a bit hit and miss,
but occasionally surprisingly lovely."
https://dngdng.itch.io/a-trillion-quite-tiny-littl...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely clothes ok?
Every week we tell you to buy some clothes from
Hebtro who sponsor us - they make fantastic
clothes, all produced in the UK and designed to
last. Go on, they make ideal birthday presents
for your male chum or even yourself.
https://hebtro.co/about/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up like cat vomit
Each week we ask you to type some fibs into a
Google form and we post a few out in a project
that's accidentally become better known than the
mothership:
* CURSE THEM TO HELL - "When I was 7 I sold some
books at a boot fair. A man bought them and
instead of paying and going, told me how I was a
'stupid kid' as they were worth far more. I
cried, and he laughed as he walked away. That
was 30 years ago, but I really hope the fucker's
dead, and died unhappy."
* TIPS FOR SCHOOL - "In film studies I had to
write a script. Knowing my tutor would not have
seen the Big Lebowksi, I downloaded the script
changing the name of the characters, places, &
removed the swearing. Scored a C. Feedback was
'well written but the storyline was bizarre and
lacked structure'"
* TIPS FOR MEN - "I've spent £100s to start
fishing. 9 times out of 10 I haven't even baited
my hook. It is the only way I can sit quietly in
nature without people thinking I'm suicidal or
having a breakdown. I just want to sit in peace.
Other anglers would let you die before making a
sound."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistake it for that funny one
which posts increasingly sensual ham:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Buy tickets for the show, we've got Cambridge,
Nottingham and Leicester coming up:
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And of course pre-order the book that "some" are
calling The Second Coming:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0CFG74H...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Print these pages for your digital detox
* PAC-MAN 2000 - An attempt to ruin Pac-Man by
turning it into a dungeon crawler and adding a
load of pointless modern gaming features and
lovely hats. We've no idea if the title is a
deliberate nod to King Crimson or not, but
there's one too many syllables to sing along.
https://gridlochgames.itch.io/21st-century-rogueli...
* BRITPOP FAMILY TREET - This amazing music nerd
project shows the family tree of Britpop acts in
an image so big it crashed our browser when we
tried to view it inline. The most elaborate
infographic we've seen since Brian May's 2009
sitemap.
https://twitter.com/E_McKenzie1970/status/16940854...
* MR FREEZE - A mini game in which you play two
bumbling idiots trying to get a fridge into a
van. Light a candle and play it in memory of
Barry Chuckle.
https://split82.itch.io/fridge-floppers
* INCOMPREHENSIBLE HEX CLOCK - because time
isn't complicated enough already. Thanks clocks.
https://retr0.id/stuff/2038/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Beans results
The Baked Beans challenge came out well and here
are our favs:
* The perfect celebrity endorsement - thanks
Plankton
https://b3ta.com/board/11398247
* The Popeye reboot we all need - thanks Ham
o'Shatner
https://b3ta.com/board/11398360
* The new popular dessert sweeping the nation -
thanks JauntyArt
https://b3ta.com/board/11398266
Check out all the horrifying photoshops:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/beans/popular
>> This week: The Horrors of Parliament <<
Could iconic horror characters do any worse at
running our country than the current shitshow?
Let's see what would happen if Pinhead is put in
charge of the budget, or Frankenstein was made
Prime Minister. Let's mash up horror and
politics.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/horrorsofparliament/popu...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* DAILY SCRABBLE PUZZLE - Cbeagley95 requests -
"Something that cropped to mind after a dull
daily Connections game this morning: a daily
Scrabble game, Scrabl if you will. You have to
score the highest points available from a random
Scrabble rack on an incomplete part of the board
- I'm sure someone has the nous to do this, if
not already"
* A GOOGLE MAP SHOWING US WHERE TO BUY WEED AND
MUSHROOMS - as we're too uncool to know the
right people any more, and asking our own kids
would be irresponsible parenting.
* A VERSION OF LEMMINGS WITH HUNDREDS OF TINY
RORY STEWARTS - well that's what the weird
walking pose on the cover of his new book
reminds us of. Maybe it's all his dorky fans
he's leading off a cliff (hashtag satire etc:
"Save us Rory, save us!")
Anyway, do send us a message via the form, it's
one of the things that powers the newsletter,
with THREE, count them, things in this week's
newsletter coming from this magic mailus form.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Weeeeee - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"I'm a dealer. I started putting cutesy little
stickers on my baggies and letting customers
pick which one they like. They never there
sifting over packets to find the "biggest" now
they just pick their favourite Minion or
whatever. It's very funny."
