NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT SUNAK IS TO WEAK TO SACK"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Fuck up some signs OK?
* NEW FESSHOLE BOOK - launched like a egg
* THE EXCITING RETURN - of 'what happened next'
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We saved the web and
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | regretted it so now
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| we're collecting farts"
B3ta email 883 - 10th Nov 2023
Read issue whilst fingering your armpit for cancer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue883
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making 'earwax art'
* ARE YOU A COUNTRY CUNT? - Neighborle claims to
have written a "Fun daily game where you guess
the borders of a country" Honestly we were so
shit at this that we didn't find it fun, but
there's plenty of people out there who liked
swatting up for their Geography CSE so this is
for you.
https://neighborle.com/
* TRAIN TICKET FUN - Barst writes, "I booked the
trip at the top of the image for this weekend,
then noticed the word spelled out. I then began
to wonder if there's any more fun to be had?
There is. Lots. I think I've only scratched the
surface." Indeed, we reckon Monkeon could make a
toy out of this.
https://b3ta.com/board/11400843
* MAD WORDS - Merkinhead writes "In other news,
here's another one of my short profile pun jams
- the first I've had time to do for a few
months. Seemed an appropriate choice of song,
too, given the current state of the world.
Enjoy." We're sticking this in largely as Roland
and Curt are worshipped like young gods in B3ta
HQ.
https://b3ta.com/links/Tease_For_Ears_Mad_Words
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely Christmas jumpers ok?
Hebtro have got a couple of new jumpers up that
if you squint a bit you could call Christmassy.
Anyway, as usual they're all made in the UK,
built to last and ideal for presents for the
rugged manly men in your life plus a few of the
unmanly men too. And in-between.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions reproduced in a mono-space font
Each week we ask you to take what we like to
call an "internet stool test" and we send off
the samples to a bunch of science twats and ask
"do you think any of this is a public health
risk? Coz we hope so."
* DOGGONE - "There's a small mark on the bedroom
wall made by my old dog's nose a few years ago,
just before we had to have him put down. It's
what I look at every night before lights out.
Wife now wants to redecorate, starting with a
repaint. Not a fucking chance."
* NETFLIX AND ILL - "My in-laws were coming to
stay for an entire weekend. I wasn't in the mood
to host them so I sent a picture of a year old
positive covid LFT and self isolated upstairs
binge watching Netflix whilst my husband dealt
with them and the kids solo."
* WEEDY REVENGE - "Next door neighbour smokes
weed in his backyard while the kids play in our
garden. Got so sick of my 3 year old asking what
that funny smell was so I anonymously shopped
him to his company, they drug tested him and
somehow he passed. I was absolutely fuming."
Link goes to the Threads version of Fesshole
which is heating up nicely despite us managing
to link up completely the wrong website in last
week's newsletter.
https://www.threads.net/@fesshole
Yes, we are encouraging you to buy tickets for
the Fesshole LIVE shows, coming up next week is
Nottingham, home of knots and ham. But no ing.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And OMG the official release of the second
Fesshole book. This one is yellow and has
completely new material despite the title being
rather like the first. Buy it, and buy another
copy for your horrible uncle who only laughs
when aircraft crash. Listen, we're not trying to
encourage him, but if he's reading then at least
he's not hanging outside schools.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0CFG74H...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Web nosh to feed the AI monster
* ART BOLLOCKS - These early examples of
computer art make us want to burn AI to the
ground and remind everyone the interesting stuff
is when humans interact with computers, not when
computers just copy humans.
https://blog.gingerbeardman.com/2023/11/09/early-c...
* SINISTER SPAGHETTI ENTERTAINMENT - Have you
ever wondered if you could make spaghetti by
pushing dough through holes in a human head?
https://b3ta.com/links/Simone_makes_a_grim_spaghet...
* LET'S MAKE COOKING REALLY HARD WORK SHALL WE?
- This site breaks down recipes into increasing
complexity so it works both for the super-lazy
("go and buy it"), and also your Foodie
Bollockses who must go out and buy a chicken to
make the eggs. And no waffle at the top, which
is nice.
https://recursiverecipes.schollz.com
* NUMBER TWATS - Learn some useless new words
like duoquinquagintillion by typing in very long
numbers and seeing how you'd actually say it out
loud. Why not type in your phone number and
start saying it like that to be annoying.
https://benpittstoller.com/Misc/LargeNumbers.html
* STICKY WIKI QUIZ - A Wikipedia quiz is always
a wholesome thing. In this one, you must guess
the person from the details in their profile
box. Can you name Lionel Blair in one from
"Occupation - Tap dancer, television presenter",
that sort of thing.
https://playwikiwho.com
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* ASHENS HITS TARGET - Stu's attempt to
crowdfund his third film has been so stupidly
successful that he can legit call it "the second
most successful UK film in crowdfunding history.
Which are not words I ever thought I'd be
saying!" Well done lad.
http://turnbackmovie.com
* AI VS TOWN PLANNING BOLLOCKS - Oliver Campion
writes, "So I run a Facebook page for my
hometown and used your tool in the latest
newsletter to make it look like their High
Street was going to be pedestrianised.
Pitchforks ensued, it's getting out of hand"
https://www.facebook.com/ryesussex/posts/pfbid02t4...
* SINGLE RELEASED APPROX TWENTY YEARS LATER -
Joel Veitch tells us, "We've made a
Spongmonkeys single. It's up on the usual
streaming things. I feel like this is probably
my greatest vocal performance. It's achingly
beautiful."
https://open.spotify.com/track/0viote75vQWVYFmJkKv...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Garbage Pail Pop Stars
Here's the best images from last week:
* NINJ supplies the Beatles references this week
and it's not Lennon and Harrison who are the
undead.
https://b3ta.com/board/11400653
* MONKEON gets to grips with that rappity-rap
music that young people like.
https://b3ta.com/board/11400619
* 2KINDSOFHERRING delivers strong art and strong
puns. Like he knows what he's doing or
something.
https://b3ta.com/board/11400750
* See all the other images from the 'Garbage
Pail Pop Stars' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/garbagepailpopstars/popu...
>> This week: Fictional Health and Safety <<
Let's design some signs and public information
posters in order to prevent problems that have
only ever happened in fiction ever happening for
real.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/fictionalhealthandsafety...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* BIN CHICKEN - Pick a random bin, you and a
partner have to take one item at a time from it
and eat it. Until one of you quits or vomits.
* A WEBSITE THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING IN TERMS OF
PHIL COLLINS THEORY - what is that theory you
ask?
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1722539092758...
* A PROJECT FOR EVERY 70S/80S POP STAR TO
RE-WRITE THEIR BIG HIT FOR DIANA'S FUNERAL -
This is largely a whimsical thought based on the
fact that she wasn't really a fan of Elton
John's music and preferred Duran Duran. Maybe
'The Chauffeur' would work?
Send us anatomically detailed photos of your balls:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Off to Slough House for
you - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'SEX' FESSHOLE
"Went to a local Thai massage place knowing I
would be offered a Happy ending. On the way in,
the father-in-law was on his way out. We have
never spoken about it. Weird knowing we've been
tugged off by the same lady."
