NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S THAT FOR CHRISTMAS, UNCLE B3TA? SOME SHIT WEBSITES AND PISS-WEAK JOKES? THANK YOU!"
This Week:
* NEWSLETTER SURVEY - Read the alarming results
* GOODBYE TO - B3ta interviewee Wilf Lunn
* FESSHOLE - Glasgow show "announced"
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We thought about
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | saving the web but
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| decided to drown it"
B3ta email 889 - 22nd Dec 2023
Read this issue if you want, see if we care:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue889
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #1
Other than making their pets hungry
* MOVING PICTURES - Drivelsieve has continued to
make pictures move and add sound effects, and
seeing as it's Jesus's birthday he's given them
a festive theme, much like the bit of tinsel we
put on our dick before roasting the turkey.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_made_these_Christmas_pict...
* YORE COMPUTER RETURNS - Your editor has
continued fixing the old bots that were broken
by Elon Musk enshittening the API and this week
he brings you the return of the one that posts
random pages from 1980s computer magazines. If
that's your bag, then your bag probably smells
of BO and old pennies to be honest.
https://twitter.com/yorecomputer
* MADE-UP OLD GAMES - DngDng writes, "This week
I made The Infinite 8-Bit Computer Game
Character Archive, which generates character
histories for imaginary 8-Bit computer game
characters (while also somehow being the most
accurate archive of 80s computing on the
internet)." Well, that's solved an important
problem in our life, thank you.
https://dngdng.itch.io/the-infinite-8-bit-computer...
* TV BITS OF THE YEAR - Scary writes, "I've
been collecting clips of TV in 2023 and have
compiled them all into a review of the year."
Ace, you will be entertained by this or you
won't - it's your choice gentle reader.
http://b3ta.com/links/1611679
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: GOODBYE WILF LUNN
Ob3tuaries for TV's Mr Quirky Inventor
This week sees the third person taken down by
the curse of the B3ta interview, by joining Tony
Hart and Patrick Moore in their own sad demise
after agreeing to talk to us. Remember him this
way:
https://b3ta.com/interview/wilflunn/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Yes, our favourite online clothing store promo
Have you forgotten to buy your Christmas
presents and totally fucked up everything? Help
is on hand with Hebtro, who'll sell you a gift
voucher and send it to you via email, which you
can then give to your loved ones and look really
thoughtful rather than last minute. Also they
sponsor B3ta and Fesshole so they're not bad
eggs unlike Amazon.
https://hebtro.co/product/hebtroco-gift-voucher
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: NEWSLETTER READER SURVEY RESULTS
We asked, you answered
Last week we asked you to comment on what you
liked about the newsletter and 171 of you
replied, and only one of you said something
actually libellous which we had to delete. We'll
highlight our fav comment in full:
"B3ta feels like it's singlehandedly keeping the
very concept of the website alive. I'm not
trying to blow smoke here. Twitter/Reddit for
all its benefits are in many ways killing what
made the Internet the fun, weird, eccentric
place it used to be. I see something I love in
B3ta every week. And each creation feels like
the love-child of a very specific person. Which
to me always felt like the promise of the early
internet. The internet wasn't always
omnipresent. It was a place for weird fuckers to
express themselves in niche ways. It's nice I
can still visit that Internet."
The full replies are here. Yep all of them.
Minus the libel bit. It's quite a nice thing to
skim actually as it made us feel quite happy
that we bother with this stuff instead of
spending the last twenty-two years collecting
our belly-button fluff for the Guiness World
Record.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Yn92NzU_uA...
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: FESSHOLE
Your best confessions in the past week or so
Four years ago we opened a Google Form and asked
you to submit confessions to it and there's now
nearly 1/4 of million submissions and we've read
them all. Fuck know what that's done to our mind
but at least it shows commitment, and really
that's why it's worked. People go, "oh you were
lucky thinking up this idea" but no, the idea is
a bit so what, it's that we could be bothered to
do it day-in-day-out is why it works.
* DICKS - "Youngest walked out of my bedroom and
asked 'why is daddy's willy in your drawer?'
Panic answer "he got a new one, so I put his old
one in the drawer". This will come back to haunt
me.
* NUTS - "My girlfriend's 10 year old son has
been telling everyone that he failed No Nut
November because he had peanut butter in a
sandwich yesterday. Waiting a few more years to
tell him how hilarious it was."
* FLIES - "My mate once had his flies undone, so
I said to him 'you're flying low.' He thought I
meant he looked upset, so he opened up to me in
great detail about depression and loneliness.
Was a sad, awkward, conversation, especially
when I had to end it with 'and your flies are
undone.'"
Normally we suggest following the Twitter
account with some joke about how it's only got
followers because people have mistaken it for
that funny one that posts videos of William Reid
from the Jesus & Mary Chain so high on heroin
that he's trying to snort a sugapuff but nope,
no jokes this week.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Do come to the Fesshole Live shows, your editor
really enjoys getting out the house, seeing a
bit of the country and doing some stuff that's
not typing inside Google Docs. From your point
of view, the audience confessions are great and
an experience you can't get elsewhere.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Well it's a couple of days to Christmas, will
Amazon deliver the second Fesshole book in time?
There's only one way to find out, start your
stopwatches now.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK SURVEY
Maybe we'll bring it back - or maybe we won't
One of the bits of feedback we keep getting
about B3ta is that we should bring back Question
Of The Week. Ok, we're toying with this, but
before we try it we would like you to answer
some questions about it. Basically give us some
good ideas for questions ok?
https://forms.gle/TocVnw5VPL7aBneF9
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
Your free copy of .net magazine without the
staples
* PARTSEIDOLIA - In a bit of probably marketing
genius, celebrity violinist Nigel Slater has
posted a photo of a Quince Custard Tart that
looks like a ladies flibbertygibbets. The
comments are lol if you like that sort of thing.
https://www.instagram.com/p/C089GRnLYCM/
* SPY BOT 2000 - We believe the tl;dr version of
the arty bollocks write up is that this loads
live webcam images from around the world and
gets an AI to sort them into categories.
Actually quite an interesting use of AI for a
change, if a little creepy.
https://webcamaze.engineering.zhaw.ch/watchingthew...
* COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR SHITTY KIDS USING A ROBOT
VOICE - A soundboard to help parents with their
nagging. It's got a remix button should you want
to insert your own specific moans about your
kids' annoying habits, and save wearing out your
vocal chords.
https://anthony1.hatch.one/autoparent
* REALISTIC COLD SIMULATOR - A realistic
simulator of a perfectly normal stay in a
Finnish winter cabin, for that chilled-out
festive experience.
https://patsui.itch.io/winter-cabin
* PROOF THAT 'DOCTOR WHO' SAVES LIVES - Analysis
of the effect of Doctor Who Christmas episodes
on mortality in England & Wales.
https://www.bmj.com/content/383/bmj-2023-077143
* A LONG VIDEO ABOUT PAINTING LINES - People
seem to find line painting fascinating. Matt
Round who suggested this link says, "years ago
the entire office I was working in stopped to
spend an hour looking down at bloke drawing
lettering freehand with molten paint."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
SATAN!!!
Last week we were asking you to use G-Paint on
the Amstrad CPC 464 to worship the Antichrist:
* 'TRIBS' praises the Dark Lord with the power
of puns
https://b3ta.com/board/11402078
* 'MONKEON' anoints the Prince of Darkness by
invoking thoughts of Noel Edmonds
https://b3ta.com/board/11402213
* 'NINJ' prays to the Horned Master by imagining
cheeses
https://b3ta.com/board/11402079
* See all the other images from the 'SATAN!!!'
challenge, before the whole site is damned to
Hell.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/satan/popular
>> This week: Christmas TV <<
Most sitcoms get a Christmas special, but what
about the shows that never do? Show us what a
festive edition of Crimewatch, or a yuletide
X(mas)-Files might look like.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmastv/popular
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: A SECOND FESSHOLE SECTION
Oh god there is so much, we split it in two
* GLASGOW TICKETS ANNOUNCEMENT - yes we're
playing Midge Ure's home town, and most
excitingly of all it's in the Oran Mor, which is
a beautiful old church and exactly the type of
place we've wanted to play since we thought
"yeah, do some confession stuff dressed as a
shit vicar, might work" a couple of years back.
https://www.ticketweb.uk/event/fesshole-oran-mor-t...
* THREADS ANNOUNCEMENT - we've fixed up the
account so it posts the full 16 confessions a
day just like the Twitter account and it's going
OK you know? People are replying and there's
less spam than on shXtter.
* BSKY ANNOUNCEMENT - done the same for the smug
one that people keep posting "ooh who wants an
invite code" about.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social
Ok, so you've read this far, have a bonus fess
we thought was a bit funny: "Found out my
boyfriend of three years had been messaging
random girls online and sending them money.
Broke up with him. Recently I made a fake
profile and have been catfishing him to send me
money. Least he owes me."
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on previous stories
* CHRIS BARKER ON THE BBC - following our news
last week that Shardcore is going to star in the
Reith Lectures as AI Bryson Gore,
photoshopping-SGT-Pepper-death-watch-bloke Chris
decided to get onto Crimewatch:
https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/17381052...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick up up the idea minge
* THE NIK KERSHAW'S "WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD TO BE
IN YOUR SHOES" COMPUTER GAME - where Nik tries
on the shoes of his friends like Howard Jones
and Thomas Dolby and they flop about because
they're too big. But Sonya's are just right.
* LEVEL 42's LESSONS IN LOVE VIDEO SKETCH - use
AI to replace John Cleese in the Meaning Of Life
sketch where Cleese plays the schoolmaster who
teaches the boys about how to do anal buggery.
Extra point if you can find a way for Mark to
use his "thumb insured for a million pounds" for
clitoral stimulation.
* SHIT APP IDEA - Your "get hauled in front of
HR song" is the song that was No 1 on your 13th
birthday, as sung by a random Nazi, famous
murderer or celebrity nonce.
Oh go on, tell us about your project, what's the
worst that can happen? Oh yeah, we might tell
people about it and you'll become famous for 15
midgets.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
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H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
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Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
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Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
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Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
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FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
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Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
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Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (I fixed it for you - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'TOP GEAR' FESSHOLE
"Car's automatic gearbox shit itself and I was
staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job,
gingerly drove the car home to 'think it over'
and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it
off. I couldn't stop smiling at the side of the
road, the guy thought I was a psychopath."
