NEWSLETTER: "YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION IS 640... WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW MANY PIXELS IS ANYTHING ANYMORE? LOTS?"
This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - potatoes, spuds, chips, whatever
* NEW FESSHOLE LIVE DATES - Dublin & Brighton
* FOLLOW UPS - bumper 'What happened next section'
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Another fucking year of
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | saving the web in the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| lol-mines... together"
B3ta email 890 - 5th Jan 2024
Read this issue if you want, we don't care:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue890
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making mouth sculptures from plaque
* TOM SCOTT SAYS GOODBYE TO VIDEO - As half the
internet is in mourning for Tom Scott exiting
his weekly videos we thought we'd get in touch
with him asking "Remember us at B3ta?" Tom
replied, "It's been about twenty years and,
occasionally, I still absentmindedly type
b3ta.com into my browser's address bar. I
suspect I'm not the only person who does that."
Then more flatteringly he says, "Also, as a
personal note: getting linked in the newsletter,
maybe twenty years ago now, was what really
kickstarted this whole thing off for me -- and,
I strongly suspect, a lot of other people too.
B3ta and the newsletter helped start a lot of
careers. Thank you." Hooray. Our egos are
stroked. We're the star-makers.
https://b3ta.com/links/Surprised_no_one_has_posted...
* WORD SEARCH - Jonathan Ellinsfield writes,
"Hey, I made this cool tool. Make & share a
near-infinite amount of word-scramble puzzles to
amaze or troll people online." He also tells us
that he "Loved your Fesshole event btw" which we
quite like as it sounds like the fiscal event
stuff that fucked everyone's mortgage. That's
the scale of our ambition.
https://identifive.com/find
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Yes, it's chilly and it's time to buy some
clothes
Look at you, you silly-billy, you're all nude
and cold and stuff and it's the middle of
winter! Help is at hand with Hebtro who'll sell
you these things called "clothes" to cover up
your shame. All made in the UK, and to the
highest standards and best of all they sponsor
Fesshole and B3ta so that all this rubbish that
we do can continue. THANKS HEBBERS.
https://hebtro.co/product/hebtroco-gift-voucher
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions shared for communal lols
Each week we ask you to confess some shite and
we share a few on social media to upset people.
* SISTERHOOD - "My husband's best friend is
female. If we're having a fight, he tries to get
her to back him but she always takes my side. I
really like her."
* WHAT A STARR - "I bought my house from a
musician. Last Xmas, a package arrived for him.
I don't have his contact info, so I sent him a
Facebook message. Nada. I finally opened it &
found a box of chocolates from Ringo Starr. They
were exquisite, so this year, I didn't hesitate.
Thanks, Ringo."
* REVENGE - "After my husband cheated and left
me his emails still popped up on my laptop. One
day up popped a holiday he'd booked for him and
her. I clicked on the link and it took me
straight to the booking, whereupon I cancelled
the trip. He will have had no idea it was me."
Enjoy the best of 2023, well worth a click as
we've picked out our favourite from each month
of the last year.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/17411903514344...
Buy the tickets for 'Fesshole Live' in
Leicester, Northampton, Glasgow & Cambridge. You
can even hang around and chat to this very
newsletter editor as what's the point of
visiting towns and not chatting to people?
BREAKING NEWS - now with dates in DUBLIN and
BRIGHTON too.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
The book has a post-Christmas price crash coz
that's how Amazon works, it's at £6.49 and will
go up again in a bit, so buy it now. It's
actually worth looking around at what other
humour books Amazon does this to: you can get
the Viz Annual half-price. Nice.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
Drive your Cybertruck to a cybercafé to download
this cyberwank
* CRAP GAMES - A new year means it's time to
review last year's Crap Sinclair Games
Competition for any gold. Plenty of
Etch-A-Sketch entries, but surprisingly none
about Sir Clive or his C5. Apparently, the
former is down to a type-in that was recently
discovered on a blank C20 cassette inlay sleeve
and which generated a blocky Etch-A-Sketch for
your ZX81 or Vic 20. Truly exciting times in
8-bit world.
https://csscgc23.blogspot.com
* CRAP PACMAN - A minimalist single-button
Pac-Man in which the maze has been replaced by a
straight line. Both more difficult and more
addictive than this sounds.
https://abagames.github.io/crisp-game-lib-11-games...
* CRAP BINARY - A quick game that tests how good
you are at binary. Probably not as good as
DARYL or that kid who just managed to break
Tetris, who presumably dreams in zeroes and
ones.
https://looo.lol
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on previous stories
* B3TANS ON TV - Kate Devlin writes, "Just to
let you know that two b3tans have made it into
the Royal Institution Christmas lectures this
year: I get to do 90 seconds of expert
commentary in the third of the three. How
erudite are we? It's only a matter of time
before someone from the boards gets a Nobel
prize. Won't be anyone from /talk." Shh.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/b00pmbqq/ro...
* ARCC UPDATE - we're been hyping Matt Round's
ARCC project from the start and we asked him for
an update, "not sure about update, I suppose
there's just the fact it went live and a load of
people chose to spend christmas day on 3D flappy
bird & watching a post-apocalyptic kids' TV show
etc rather than talk to their family. Also,
today someone found a bug that's another easter
egg - they ran the forum app from within another
app & created a hidden 'undefined' forum topic,
basically the OS has its first hacker. Oh one
other thing about arcc you might want to mention
in newsletter: most of the tickets haven't been
used yet, people have forgotten they bought
them." Thanks Matt!
* BEATLES AI BOLLOCKS - Your editor accidentally
found himself turned into content after making a
crap AI image that went viral. He wishes it to
be known that he visibly shudders at being
described as a 'X user'.
https://www.indy100.com/science-tech/chatgpt-fifth...
* B3TA QUESTION OF THE WEEK SURVEY RESULTS -
we're toying with the idea of bringing a version
of the QOTW back, seeing as it's the thing
people so-often say to us that they miss. This
was YOUR comments.
https://bit.ly/41Lwjr4
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Christmas TV
Who really gives a shit about Christmas stuff
now, but announce the winners of the Christmas
TV challenge, we must:
* THANKS 'Q4NOBODY' - Remember the happy times
when you could mention this man's old work
without the conversation turning to not
discussing the work
https://b3ta.com/board/11402560
* WELL DONE 'JAUNTYART' - Everything is a
Christmas movie if you believe in Santa hard
enough
https://b3ta.com/board/11402471
* RESPECTFUL NOD TO 'OCTO' - The Trouble With
Nibbles
https://b3ta.com/board/11402379
* See all the other images from the 'Christmas
TV' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmastv/popular
>> This week: Potatoes <<
Boiled! Baked! Chips! Crisps! Let's celebrate
the versatility of the humble potato by
photoshopping spuds.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/potatoes/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to inspire your bum to innovate poos
* SCOFFIFY - make a version of Audible where you
read books in a sarcastic voice. George Orwell,
The Bible, Jilly Cooper, all the greats.
* SCHOOL FEES PLUG-IN - there's a trouble-making
Twitter account (@JournoSchool) that points out
how many public commentators are privately
educated. Would work well as a plug-in to insert
this into the very articles that are bleeding
into our brains.
* ONE MORE IDEA - oh god we're stuck again and
staring at the text editor, so it's time to pick
up the Oxford Book Of Idioms, turn to a random
page and use it to inspire a filler project
idea. Ok, 'Give Someone The Push' is a
controversial game where you have to time
exactly when to surge in the crowd at the tube
station to make the most people fall onto the
track. Nice.
Go on, tell us about all your stuff, feedback on
old stuff, just speak to us ok? We're sad and
lonely and waiting for your email.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: FESSHOLE & ANON_OPIN ON OTHER NETWORKS
Fuck it, we've finally done it
For the last year or so since Elon fucked up
Twitter people have been begging us to switch
these accounts to different networks and we
figured we'd wait until Fesshole reached a
million, then we got ill so it got delayed
again, and now finally we're working through the
blacklog of missed work and put in a good
Thursday and have got both bots on everything.
Are you ready for a shit-load of links? Ok then.
https://threads.net/@fesshole
https://threads.net/@anon_opin
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
https://mastodon.social/@fesshole
https://mastodon.social/@anon_opin
Fucking hell that was a lot of fannying and no
you can't have it on MySpace or Friendsreunited.
Shut up.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Snakes - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'MAYBE IT'S A JOKE' FESSHOLE
"My wife is a police officer. Her name is Nina.
She can never find out how obviously hilarious I
find this."
