NEWSLETTER: "REMEMBER, YOU'RE *NOT* A WOMBLE"
This Week:
* SONG - listen to the lovely 'baby fart'
* QUIZ - Have Rishi's tweets been noted or not?
* NEW CHALLENGE - mash memes with Memeception
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by praying for its
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| collective soul"
B3ta email 893 - 26th Jan 2024 - oh god so many
Read this issue to your dog as a "dogcast":
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue893
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pets feel shame
* BABY FART, Si Bennett has made a pretty
obvious joke, but like the best obvious jokes,
you kinda wish you'd made it and it's filled our
heart with joy although he self-effacingly
describes it as "start the new year with a new
all time low."
https://b3ta.com/links/BABY_FART
* RISHI SUNAK COMMUNITY NOTES QUIZ - Dave
Bagpuss has been working on fantastically
presented interactives and says "You'll see 10
random Rishi tweets. Your task is simple: guess
which have been 'Community Noted'." Next week
maybe Michelle Mone?
https://noted-or-not.bagpuss.org/
* WILLY FOG PET SHOP BOYS PASTICHE - Ricardo
Autobahn writes, "To add to our portfolio of
classic kids theme tunes redone with choirs and
orch hits the UK's fourth favourite synth duo
have taken on the Andy-Crane-assisted
Iberia-sponsored epic 'Around The World With
Willy Fog'." This is fun but we hear it on good
authority that Neil Tennant prefers the theme
tune to Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds.
(Chris, of course, prefers Ulysses 31.)
https://b3ta.com/links/Pound_Shop_Boys_do_the_them...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Our sponsors would like you to buy some clothes
Hebtro are a great company who make clothes in
the UK, all designed to last and they also
sponsor B3ta and Fesshole which helps make all
this terrible content possible. Or at least
means your editor doesn't completely alienate
his family by spending so much of his time on
palpable nonsense. Show your appreciation by
loading up on sturdy clothes or buying them for
the men in your life coz everyone needs clothes,
even nudists.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up once again oh no
Each week you shit some lies into a great big
form and we spend too long trying to find a few
that are OKish enough to post. This week some
included:
* FLYING - "I work in aviation. Most people
would probably be surprised by how many
neurodivergent people work in the industry. In
the nicest way possible, you're basically being
kept alive by a load of people with autism,
whose childhood obsession with planes has become
their career."
* ADMIN - "Work from home in an admin job so
have very little human interaction. I grow
plants on my desk that I have given names & talk
to. Irene just won plant of the week for the
most growth, which is fantastic as she's never
been the same since we lost Bertie to root rot."
* BALLS - "Two kids from junior school
snowballed me today, I ran for it and hid behind
a wall outside school. I made rock hard
snowballs and waited for them. I pounded the
little bastards until their teacher came out.
I'm 64 and feel fucking great, but I will change
my route now."
Ah and now it's time for the bollocks about how
this account only has followers because people
mistook it for the funny account where John
Nettles wears oversized gloves and fingers
potatoes.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Come to the live shows - we've got tickets
available for Leicester, Cambridge, Northampton,
Brighton, Glasgow and Dublin. We're even having
this shit infect our dreams and have a whole new
type of anxiety dream along with the being back
at school stuff. You can probably guess what the
dream is.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
You might as well buy the book, it only costs
£6.49 and is actually better than the first one
in one crucial regard, in that the font is
slightly bigger making it easier for Generation
X to read without giving into reading glasses.
Oh that's us.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
Mötley Crüe singing "URLS! URLS! URLS!"
* BREWDOG IS CRAP ISN'T IT? Bloke reviews pubs
and quite frankly we're now not sure if we want
to be his friend or go and snark about this pub
too.
https://www.tiktok.com/@deadpubs/video/73272784353...
* THE WORLD IS A SINISTER PLACE - thank you
Google for introducing new and alarming ways to
stalk strangers.
https://www.crikey.com.au/2024/01/17/google-maps-t...
* IS USB CABLE MORE POWERFUL THAN AN APOLLO 11
FLIGHT COMPUTER? The answer is quite possibly
yes, but then to be fair, it was several hundred
tonnes of rocket fuel that was the main thing
that got humans to the Moon.
https://forrestheller.com/Apollo-11-Computer-vs-US...
* TIME VISUALISATIONS - Watch units of time pass
by in a variety of styles. See how the Lord of
the Rings trilogy compares to an average human
lifespan. Is it really three times longer, as it
felt in the cinema?
https://kala.watch
* WHERE'S ASK JEEVES? - This site has
resurrected Altavista as a way of creating a
nice front-end for browsing the Wayback Machine.
They've passed my nostalgic accuracy test of
using nested tables to build the site, though to
be honest they've probably just ripped off the
old code.
https://oldavista.com
* ONE FOR A VERY SMALL INTERSECTION OF NERDS -
Remember Steely Dan's Walter Becker with this
tedious 60 minute challenge. If you want to be
particularly respectful, you can play it on an
actual Game Boy, as we're sure he'd have wanted.
Press enter to start.
https://nickyflowers.itch.io/look-at-a-picture-of-...
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: WHAT THE KIDS ARE WATCHING
Coz we're too old to know what's cool
Al Napp tells us, "I'm so old that even my kids'
"weird amusing thing on the internet" is nearly
old enough to vote."
https://youtu.be/kZUPCB9533Y
If your kids are watching some baffling shite
then tell us.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Beatles Games
Here's the best images from last week:
* PIZOPOP brings us the perfect executive stress
toy for the boss of Apple
https://b3ta.com/board/11403370
* MONKEON finds the gags in the places no one
would else think of looking
https://b3ta.com/board/11403540
* CHRISTHEBARKER has made something that should
exist simply so we could all revel in the
chip-tune Get Back
https://b3ta.com/board/11403364
* See all the other images from the 'Beatles
Games' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/beatlesgames/popular
>> This week: Memeception <<
Mash up memes with other memes (or famous viral
image) and see what happens when the internet
eats itself. Warning: every time you post a
picture containing only one meme, God kills a
kitten.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/memeception/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on stuff you already know about
* ANON OPIN published an opinion so stupid that
it made "Doccy Who" trend and a crappy article
appear in a newspaper. Achievement unlocked.
https://www.indy100.com/tv/doctor-who-doccy-gatwa-...
* HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the 'Jubilee Line Ticket
Barrier Sings Blur's Song 2' thing submitted to
b3ta by 'Pesky Young Scamp' ten years ago.
http://b3ta.com/links/1612377
* JOEY BARTON IS A C*** - something we didn't
share out from the @fesshole account as we were
worried it might blow up in our faces if it go
too much attention but someone confessed to
registering Joey's dot co dot uk address 10
years ago and stick up a very rude message, and
you know what, via the power of archive.org the
story checked out.
https://bit.ly/48Odt5o
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea groin
* SWEAR AT THE PRIME MINISTER - "There are
currently 58 people swearing at the Prime
Minister. You swore 58 times at the PM in one
minute." etc.
* TORYGOTCHI - some sort of Tamagotchi where you
are Sunak trying to keep the Tory party alive
and everything you do makes it sicker and worse.
* HISTORICAL 'STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE' - write
code that extracts the "things we'd like to see"
from the last 893 newsletters and then bungs
them into a Hot or Not format so people can vote
which is the best idea no one has bothered
making. And then make it.
Go on, share your spreadsheet where you've
recorded every insult you've received since
1978, and how much it hurt:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
Ah fuck it one more idea: visit the butcher and
buy 200 pork chops. Dip each one in varnish to
preserve them, then arrange them to create
massive skeletal insects made of pork.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (pork skeletons, are you
ok rob - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Oh and friends tell friends to subscribe to the
B3ta newsletter, that really is the most useful
thing you could do with your life at this moment
in time.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'HAMSTER' FESSHOLE
"When I was young my parents noticed my hamster
was cold and stiff so they put it in the bin.
Half an hour later there was a scrabbling from
the bin - apparently it had entered hibernation
instead of dying. The best part? This all
happened on Easter Sunday."
