NEWSLETTER: "HOW MANY B3TA NEWSLETTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? WELL IT'S CLEARLY MORE THAN 908"
This Week:
* ITV GETS IT WRONG - and now it's war
* FESSHOLE PODCAST - The pre-trailer trailer
* 'THE BACKROOOMS' - creepy meme, finally found
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | not clicking on anything
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| so it's not all used up"
B3ta newsletter 908 - 31st May 2024
Read this issue to the snails in your garden.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue908
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Ever wanted to fly your own starship? See what
the first crews have been saying about Bridge
Command – now booking to September
https://bit.ly/3QPbXcI [sponsored link]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pets itch
* FESSHOLE THE PODCAST - We're launching a
"internet pod broadcast" on the 11th of June
2024. Please subscribe here so you'll be the
FIRST to hear it. This reunited the old b3ta
newsletter team of Rob and Dave for the first
work together since the heady days of UsVsTh3m.
The trailer is good for a laugh coz, as your
editor is still trapped in about 2001, he
insisted on recording a tribute to ZOMBOCOM.
https://audioboom.com/posts/8512365-fesshole-the-p...
* HAPPYTOAST made an election image that went
viral that ended up being debunked by some
"expert" on ITV news on the basis that the
watermark looked like the nonsense letters of AI
- when, actually it said B3ta, the name of our
website.
https://b3ta.com/links/Those_naughty_B3ta_AI_peopl...
* SOME SORT OF WORD GAME - SFG has made a word
game and writes, "It's like Balatro, but with
Scrabble instead of poker. If that doesn't make
sense to you, imagine a game of Scrabble that
you play on your own, where you have to hit a
target score. Every time you hit the target you
get money, which you can spend on things to
improve your chances of hitting the score next
time." Blimey.
https://wordupgame.co.uk/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know, the clothes company who sponsors B3ta
Each week we implore you to buy some clothes
from our sponsor and each week you think "hmm,
but these rags cover my shame and I haven't left
my house in years so who cares?" Well we care,
b3tans in the attic, we want you to dress well
and leave the house. There's sunshine and
laughter out there and there's even mobile
signals so you can do internet things away from
your beige tower of Windows 95. C'mon on lads,
dig deep and dress well.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions vomited up like liquid shit
Each week you type some bollocks into a form and
your editor grumbles into his beard whilst he
reads it that it's all shit and life is
pointless, but you should never look at how the
sausages are made and just marvel that it
produces a handful of tweets worth reading:
* TOPPITY GEAR - "My hubby is a big Top Gear fan
and got us tickets to the filming. A producer
asked if I wanted to be 'one of the hot girls
standing at the front'. He tried to come with
me and was told 'sorry not you, mate'. Will I
ever tire of bringing it up? Unlikely."
* GOOD DADS - "When I was little my dad said I
could conjure sunshine. When it was cloudy he'd
say 'call to the sun, do a dance, he'll come!'
and he did. I felt magical. It's only now I'm
adult that I realise he was watching the clouds
moving to see when it would reappear. He's the
magic."
* EVEN BETTER DADS - "Son built a trap out of
Lego to catch the tooth fairy. I thought it
would be a funny idea to wait until he was
asleep & make some tomato ketchup blood
splatters & bloody footprints around the trap.
According to my wife who has been comforting him
all day, it wasn't a good idea."
You can follow the account on Bsky, Threads,
Mastodon and of course Twitter because we're
fucked if we're ever calling it anything else.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
You should also come to the shows - the next one
is in Chester-le-Street, near Durham, and
there's also Brighton and Birmingham available:
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And you might as well buy the book, apparently
the Kindle is going to drop in price for the
month of June, so look out for that. That's
publisher shenanigans to stimulate demand for
you.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
WebUser magazine CD-ROM cover disk.exe
* ALBUM ART QUIZ - A strong idea for a game that
manages to survive an over-complicated format
and intrusive Google Ad. You're shown three
obscure albums from Discogs and you must try and
guess the genre from the cover art.
https://pasquiindustry.com/games/jasbiac/
* JAMMY DODGEMS - An addictive dodge-em-up in
which the main gimmick is that the playing area
is at 45 degrees and shrinks. One of those games
that's incredibly tough but each round only
takes about 5 seconds so you keep going back for
hundreds of plays.
https://saturnyoshi.itch.io/tivt
* RAP FEUD - For Gen-Xers who want to understand
what millennials were banging on about the other
week, here's a handy guide to that Mark Lamarr /
Orville feud that was all over your timeline but
you couldn't be arsed to look too deeply into
because you're too old to give a shit.
https://rapfeud.com
* 469 GREAT SOUNDS - someone has edited together
clips of people demonstrating music equipment
and it's oddly amusing.
https://b3ta.com/links/469_Great_Sounds
* LONG EGG - important information on how long
eggs are laid, to be used in the long pies of
England.
https://b3ta.com/links/Eggy_Weg
* 'BACKROOMS' FINALLY FOUND - one of the bits of
internet lore of recent years was this photo of
a 'liminal space' that people found strangely
creepy. The source has finally been located
which is briefly interesting, but not as
interesting as the original vibe and mystery.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FOLLOW UPS
On previous stories
* BYE BYE EGGPOD - in our long farewell to the
greatest Beatles podcast that has ever lived,
host Chris Shaw has done an interview to promote
the live show and he describes your editor as
"his Maharishi", which probably refers to us
having a beard and stinking of piss.
https://x.com/IAmTheEggPod/status/1795349292967919...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Wrestling
Last week we did wrestling on B3ta and frankly
your editor knows nothing about this so God
knows how he's going to write this up, but here
goes.
* 'MONKEON' has made a joke about one called
'Andre the Giant'
https://b3ta.com/board/11408123
* 'STEROPOLY' has made a very long one that we
find confusing but it got some votes so maybe
you'll like it. You might need to touch it to
make it larger, much like our genitals.
https://b3ta.com/board/11408013
* 'YA WHAT' has made one which pandas to our
interests
https://b3ta.com/board/11408018
>> This week: General Election 2024 <<
It's election time, which means lots of crap
campaign posters and awkward moments to feed
into our raster graphics editors and output as
POWERFUL SATIRE.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/generalelection2024
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to massage you in the ideas scrotum
* REAL POKEMON GO - There needs to be an app
that you can hold up and it recognises animal
sounds "oh that's a cat" "oh that's a wood
pigeon" and then you can collect them and make
them fight like Pokemon. Yes we did think this
whilst playing with one of those bird song
recognising apps.
* HOW TACTICAL ARE YOU QUIZ - this is an
election where we need tactical voting, but how
to encourage people without just telling them?
Maybe a quiz that rewards people for thinking
tactically in other areas and hope they make the
mental leap. Or if that fails maybe a quiz
called "HOW TO TACTICALLY VOTE TO EXPEL THE
WITCH AND UNFREEZE NARNIA"
* NEW FUNERAL RITUALS - we were thinking about
how burning bodies was wasteful and maybe we
should be fed to pigs - sacred pigs - and then
use the pigs to make forbidden bacon.
Yeah, talk to us, we listen the fuck out of
anything emailed to us.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (McJagger - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
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couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: BONUS 'DRUUUUGS' FESSHOLE
"I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some
pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one,
woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had
swallowed a spare button."
