NEWSLETTER: "NO DURAN DURAN, 9/11 IS NOT A JOKE, THANK YOU"
This Week:
* ACCIDENTAL ELECTION SPECIAL - we're sorry
* WEEBL RETURNS - and makes us hungry for war
* "WEBSITE" - Stop or my mom will shoot
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web so
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | that future generations
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| still have some web left"
B3ta newsletter 9/11 - 21st June 2024
Read this on your selfie cam whilst shitting:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue911
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making bigger shits than normal
* HELLDIVERS 2284 - Jonty 'Weebl & Bob' Picking
has made a video that has made us so pumped for
war that we're ready to invade Wales. It's
apparently promoting some game thing but mostly
it's got our bloodlust up for righteous carnage
of the unworthy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* FESSHOLE THE PODCAST EP 3 - The Guardian put
our Fesshole podcast in the 'best podcasts of
the week' list and said "Given how much fun it
is, it"s worth seeing where it goes next." ("Not
my words Carol, the words of Top Gear
magazine"). Listen to episode three here, it's
the one where your editor adds a stupid amount
of jingles because if you can't use a podcast
project to write and perform your own feme-tune,
why are you even alive?
https://audioboom.com/posts/8525115-a-rich-comedia...
* STOP! OR MY MOM WILL REBOOT - Matt Round tells
us that he's "proud to present our first
spin-off site: a fansite dedicated to the
classic '90s action comedy." We're looking
forward to the podcast spin off of this where
Matt encourages people to watch the movie for
the first time and share their thoughts.
https://stopormy.mom
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes, ok?
Each week we remind you that Hebtro make all
their clothes in the UK and build them to last
so what you pay up front is rewarded in long
lasting stuff. And they sponsor our bollocks and
we'd like them to keep doing that so please
consider using them for presents and stuff, for
all the difficult men in your life. And if you
read B3ta you know some difficult men.
https://hebtro.co/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA PEOPLE VS THE ELECTION
Oh god it's got it's own bloody section, stop it
* TORY WIPE OUT POSTER 2.0 - Last week we bigged
up Chris Barker's election bingo wipe out poster
and it sold so well that Chris was able to buy
himself Paul McCartney tickets and Taylor Swift
tickets for his daughter. The small fly in the
ointment is that one prospective Tory MP
complained (we know her name but we're sworn to
secrecy unless someone wants to bribe us) and it
got taken down under slightly spurious copyright
reasons. Well Chris has made version two so you
can buy that instead:
https://x.com/christhebarker/status/18039116772068...
* COMING SOON - Also we ask you to bookmark this
and come just before the election, we can't tell
you why exactly but we can tell you that Chris
Barker and Dave 'Bagpuss' Forsey are doing an
election night collab.
https://portillogeddon.com/
* UK POLITICS SIMULATOR - Tolkien-Minority
writes, "My friend and I have made a video game
about UK Politics. It is also the world's first
farting ass rhythm game. Originally this was
meant to be just a shit post with only the
visuals but my mate convinced me that he could
do the music and so we ended up making it for
real. As such this is a real game that you can
play for free over on Newgrounds."
https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/934162
* SWING YOUR PANTS - Speaking of wipe-out Bingo,
Tim Duckett says, "Swingometers are old hat, and
if you do a shot every time a Tory loses you
definitely won't make it to this year's Portillo
moment. Instead, why not celebrate the demise
of the fruitcakes, headbangers, loons and other
assorted sleaze bags by playing Election Night
Bingo." https://wereyouupforportillo.uk
* "RISHA IS A RAT-FACED CUNT" - And of course
B3ta's favourite pop star after Shakin' Stevens,
Kunt & The Gang has bunged out a track for the
election.
https://kuntandthegang.bandcamp.com/track/rishi-su...
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, fessed up again. Please stop
Each week we beg you to stop sending us
confessions because we fucking hate them but you
won't listen so here goes, here are the three we
hated the least this time:
* TIE-BREAKER - "Changed the office dress code
from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it's
because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make
people feel more comfy. That's not the reason.
The reason is that we recently had our eleventh
male employee getting his tie trapped in the
shredder."
* THAT'S HOW TO DO IT - "I've limited the
available bandwidth on all my kids devices. We
live in the arsehole of nowhere with barely
above dial-up speeds. I'm not buffering a show
every 10 seconds so they can watch HD TikToks
about how Australia is a made up place and
ancient Rome wasn't real."
* DID WE POST THIS? - "Wife recently found a
battered sausage and a load of chips in our
garden, we spent most of the evening theorising
it's origin. It was me, she came home early 1
day and caught me mid lunch, we're on a diet, I
panic launched it out the window intending to
collect it later. I forgot."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people are cunts.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Come to shows - dates coming up soon in Brum and
Brighton.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book, 99p on Kindle, a proper price for
the actual physical copy which you can leave in
the toilet to impress your guests that come
round for a shit that you're cultured.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Sweetcorn in the internet tod
* NICHE CONTENT THAT'S LASER TARGETED TO APPEAL
TO THIS NEWSLETTER EDITOR - a twenty-five minute
video exploring the synth arpeggios on Duran
Duran's RIO then it finishes with a musical
tribute to Avon from Blake's 7. People say the
Internet isn't good anymore but those people are
wrong.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* BRICKING IT - Send people a message in Tetris
bricks, or just type in swear words and enjoy
watching the potty-mouthed tetrominoes fall into
place.
https://erikdemaine.org/fonts/tetris/
* THROW AWAY YOUR GAME & WATCH - W****e of the
week is this game in which you must find the
missing vowels. Trickier than it sounds, not
least because entering your guess is fiddlier
than it needs to be.
https://bythomas.co.uk/vowelplay/
* MS PAINT BY ALFONS SCHILLING - Make some spin
art in big chunky primary colours, but don't be
like Ringo Starr and try and flog them as
dreadful NFTs.
https://paintspin.com
* HAPPY BIRTHTIME TETRIS - Tetris is celebrating
its 40th anniversary, but it seems it's actually
39 & they weirdly rewrote its history in 2009
for a marketing campaign
https://tetrisconcept.net/threads/june-6-1984.2411...
* FUNNY ADVERTISING COPY - anothercoffee writes,
"Impending DIY got me a tedious morning
searching for stuff, until I read the
Description of the 'Smithy Chrome Metal Pull
Handle'"
https://www.dowsingandreynolds.com/shop/smithy-chr...
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Ninetyfication
* 'S4RK' mocked Elon's shite car
https://b3ta.com/board/11408553
* 'ASCII BOOBS' tackled the Addam's Family
Groove
https://b3ta.com/board/11408582
* 'NINJ' made brilliant election relevant
content
https://b3ta.com/board/11408677
* See all the other images from the
'Ninetyfication' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ninetyfication/popular
>> This week: Cartoon Characters Today <<
What are our favourite childhood cartoon
characters up to now that it's no longer the
70s/80s/whatever ?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cartooncharacterstoday/p...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
This is the bit where we throw in some ideas and
honestly we don't have any at this exact point
in time so instead we'll do that thing of
flicking through the books in the B3ta office
and see what it inspires.
* THE FART OF NOISE - Remake Close (To The Edit)
from parp noises.
* PHONE BOOK, THE PODCAST - get one of those
thin phone books they still sometimes send out,
then call random people, they're probably all
old and fancy a chat.
* HEX AND THE CITY - fan fiction exploring the
life of 'Skipper' who was only in Season One of
Sex And The City and worked as a "web designer".
Send us your worst - we've looked at everything
sent in for twenty years, what a contract we've
ended up with you lot.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Back tomorrow - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Oh just fucking subscribe you twats. We've
lasted longer than our competitors, NTK and The
Friday Thing because we don't give up, the web
still needs to be saved.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS 'WI-FI' FESSHOLE
"Ever since I renamed the discoverable name of
my WiFi box, 'Drug Surveillance Van #3', I no
longer get a whiff of skunk from the neighbour's
garden."
