NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON, I'VE GOT NEUNUNDNEUNZIG PROBLEMS BUT LUFTBALLONS AIN'T ONE"
This Week:
* MORE ELECTION SPECIAL - final newsletter before vote
* DUCKING HELL - we sold an "ad"
* FESSHOLE PODCASTS - let's talk to contributors
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | because everything being
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| apps is a load of wank"
B3ta newsletter 912 - 28th June 2024
Read this issue to your dead pets in a dream:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue912
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sweat outlines in the bed
* INTERACTIVE MUSIC VIDEO - Gaffen writes, "I
just spent four years making a music video. On
and off, but I did." The Monkeon rating? "Nice
work. I don't know why more people don't make
interactive music videos - it seems a really
good format to get people to listen to the whole
song, but I can only think of a handful of
examples."
https://realise.hearsepileup.rip/
* EPISODE 4 OF FESSHOLE THE PODCAST - is the one
where we talk to the confessors directly. You do
want to meet the kind of people who wank into
kitchen bins don't you?
https://audioboom.com/posts/8528819-can-we-talk-to...
* BEATLES 'EGGPOD' EVENT, LAST BIT OF PROMO -
it's the final EggPod on the 6th of July 2024,
and your editor will be there to wish Chris Shaw
luck with whatever chooses to do next - although
our opinion is what he should do next is more
Eggpod.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/
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: ELECTION CORNER
Look, this bullshit is nearly over ok?
* THE WILHELM SCREAM EVERY TIME THE TORIES LOSE
- Matt Eason writes, "My website will be running
on election night. There will be one scream per
seat won by anyone but the Tories. Set a
reminder to open it on 10pm on 4 July."
http://matteason.co.uk/scream
* DON'T FORGET WHAT THE TORIES DID - Jimmer UK
writes, "If you're pushed for content for the
newsletter this week, don't forget 'don't forget
what the Tories did', it could do with a push
considering we're in the last week. The snap
call screwed me. I had more plans for it, but
have been really busy these past few weeks and
didn't get a chance. I was expecting an autumn
election at the earliest, and was going to
introduce more features on more platforms. Tory
bastards." Sorry Jimmer, we're not pushed for
content as you can see, but fuck it, in you can
go because although we've featured it before
Jimmer promises there's new things in it: "Lots
more than there was a year ago, that's for sure,
and the site has been tweaked."
https://dont-forget.co.uk/what-the-tories-did/
* WATCH THIS 'PORTILLOGEDDON' SPACE - Chris
Barker and Dave 'Bagpuss' Forsey are also doing
a "thing" on election night and the link goes to
the holding page of the thing not launched yet.
You can probably guess what that thing is, but
we're not letting the cat out of the baguette
just yet.
https://portillogeddon.com/
* EVERYONE IS DOING IT - Naich Roolz writes,
"Hi. I didn't realise that everyone else was
also making an election bingo game, so I spent a
day and a bit knocking one up. It's a bit
different from the others in that the squares
are randomised and it's supposed to be printed
out so you can play with your friends. Other
than that the main difference is that it looks
worse than the others. Ho hum."
https://bingo.qop.pm
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https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
It's confession time you horrible wankers
Each week we beg you to stop adding confessions
to the Google Form, and you don't listen, adding
between 200 and 400 per day and we feel duty
bound to read every last one of them and pick
out a few that vaguely pass muster.
* ALIENS - "When I was 20, and plastered, I saw
a UFO. I was in awe. I questioned existence and
humans' place in the universe. I took a video of
it to show to my mates. I watched the video in
the morning, it was a fucking seagull lit up by
lamp posts."
* NOEL GALLAGHER'S LOW HANGING FRUIT - "My
boyfriend has started working from home 1 day a
week. The way he speaks to his colleagues has
been a bit of an eye opener that's making me
reconsider our relationship. Just today I've
heard him say the phrases low hanging fruit,
synergy, proof in the pudding & extra
bandwidth."
* PUPPY LOVE - "Of all the ways to get found out
having an affair, it was my stupid dog. Wife was
out walking him, whilst the neighbour, who comes
over for sex, was out running. Dog got mega
excited to see her & showered her with
affection. Wife put two & two together & I've
been bin bagged."
Follow the account people only follow because
people think it's that funny one that posts
steamroller memes.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
BRIGHTON GIG coming up on the 3rd, so that's
before the next newsletter, do come, and also do
come to the Birmingham one and then... NO MORE!
Well for the moment anyway, as that was/is the
'tour'.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Still a few more days to get the Kindle version
of the book for 99p, which about the price of
fuck all these days as everything costs a fiver.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your CD-ROM covermount this week includes
* DEAR NEXT VISITOR - Leave a message for the
next user who visits the site. Usually these
experiments descend into internet awfulness, but
the format seems slightly safer than usual due
to you having no way of knowing if your ASCII
cock caused any offence.
https://dearnextvisitor.com
* CURSOR MUSEUM - A dad joke told in HTML,
should you want to imagine what it's like being
a child of Tim Berners-Lee.
https://cursormuseum.com
* MOVIE/YEAR QUIZ - A nice take on the
Chronophoto format. Guess what year the movie
came out. Only goes back to 1950 for some
reason, which at least is 30 more years of
cinema history than Netflix are aware of.
https://chronomovie.com/play
* ONE MILLION CHECKBOXES - a quite old school
interactive idea that presents a blank canvas
that everyone has access to.
https://onemillioncheckboxes.com/
* BAD TASTE AIRFIX - Of course you want to buy a
handmade model of the Chernobyl disaster. Seller
also does an equally tasteful Chernobyl 'snow'
globe & model of that submarine that imploded
for your fish tank.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1741704973/chernobyl-...
* BLUE MONDAY ON VINTAGE CASIO INSTRUMENTS - ok
this is pandering to the stuff we like but we do
like it. Next week could we have Tricky Disco
performed on digital watches?
https://b3ta.com/links/Blue_Monday_on_Vintage_Casi...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on old bollocks
* IF YOU SEE SID TELL HIM - Chris C64audio has
got in touch to tell us that he's not been
totally fucked by self-publishing a book about
Rob Hubbard as the expenses were looking shaky
for a bit and he writes, "Good news story: Rob
Hubbard presales rescue me from disaster and
raises chance of Tim Follin book eventually."
https://fusionretrobooks.com/products/master-of-ma...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you up the idea minge
* THE INFINITE TRAVELLING WILBURYS GENERATOR -
an interactive where you can pick any year from
1980 to now and it'll make you a band formed of
musicians aged 37, 41, 45, 47 & 52.
* SET THE CAT AMONG THE PIGEONS - yes we have
just been reading our Oxford Book Of Idioms to
come up with ideas, and this has cruddy flash
game potential complete with fashionable Bros
soundtrack.
* A NON-GAG CURSOR MUSEUM - we linked the gag
site earlier but there's part of us that would
happily watch a complete history of cursors and
pointers and whatever.
We look at everything sent in, so email us ok?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Just one more thing -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
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couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: BONUS 'YOU'LL BE SINGING IT TOO' FESSHOLE
"To remind myself to get a bag for life out
before I go shopping I sing 'Bag for life / Bag
for the family' to the tune of Soul II Soul's
'Back to Life' until I actually get the bag out.
Works every time."
