NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER IS NOW A MEL C OF THE SPICE GIRLS STAN NEWSLETTER - DEAL WITH IT"
This Week:
* QUIZ - How British Are Your Teeth
* FESSHOLE interviews Priest about confession
* VOTE for the best 'tiny' website
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're webbing the save,
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in some kind of confused
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| backwards protest"
B3ta newsletter 915 - 26th July 2024
Read this issue to your angry snake:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue915
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their social workers worry
* HOW BRITISH ARE YOU TEETH? - Math.Round()
writes, "This partly panders to Americans'
stereotypes, & partly resists them. I took UK
dental survey data for avg no. of teeth,
fillings, etc and found a mildly unsettling way
to let you compare your own." It's always fun to
lean into stereotypes, our teeth are so British
that they're complaining that the Germans have
nabbed all the sunbeds.
https://vole.wtf/british-teeth/
* WHAT DOES AN ACTUAL PRIEST THINK ABOUT
CONFESSION - in an idea that can only be
described as a stunt, we thought we'd interview
an actual priest to compare notes on taking
confession. The response is really thoughtful
and not really what you'd expect, I think, if
someone said to you "imagine a fesshole
podcast". Ok it does open with something
horrible about licking fartboxes but other than
that, it's basically an interesting bit of
Sunday school. Although we probably now need to
get on the Antichrist for balance.
https://audioboom.com/posts/8544853-what-does-an-a...
* VOTE NOW FOR THE BEST TINY WEBSITE - Matt Muir
writes, "We had 300-odd nominations for this
year's Tiny Awards, and now you can vote for
your favourite small website of the year - VOTE
NOW." (Our favourite 'tiny' website is the one
about Ultrasound. Ho ho.)
https://tinyawards.net
* PARIS TWATTERY - Richard Dedomenici writes, "I
thought you might like to look at my extremely
recent attempt to run through Paris with a fake
Olympic torch, moments before the actual Olympic
Torch."
https://dedomenici.com/torch
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes
Did you know that you need some new clothes?
Yes, we're using the camera built into your
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Luckily help is at hand from Hebtroco who make
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: FESSHOLE
It's that confession stuff you know
Each week you type some bollocks into a form and
we read it and post a few out, and people get
angry at us about it because it's popular, but
it's not our fault, we only we're trying to
entertain you, not bring about the fall of
Western civilisation. Still, it's occasionally
amusing and the best three this week include:
* GOING SOUTH - "Age 17 the first time I
fingered a girl was at a bus stop on the way
home after a night out. Got the zip on her jeans
down and spent a few mins pleasuring her belly
button before she whispered it would be better
if I went a bit further south. I think about
this often, I'm 55"
* SPIRITED FUN - "Went to a seance for a bit of
fun. The medium put on a good show & told me all
about my parents, how they're looking down on
me, they're proud of all I've achieved, they're
glad I found a good wife. All wrong. The only
thing she got right was my parents WERE in the
room with us."
* MAN-O-SPHERE HACKING - "I hate football. Dont
follow it at all. Everytime another bloke starts
talking to me about it, I respond with generic
stuff to keep the conversation going, with
things like 'oh it's gunna be a tough one'. Been
doing it for years. And no one has ever called
me out on it."
Follow the account that has more followers than
Simon Le Bon and is equally likely to be one of
the worst turns at Live Aid USA.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Come to the shows. Birmingham and Isle of Wight
for sale:
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book, it's a perfect loo read, Lou Reed.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
The only websites left after Crowdstike's purge
* SHUT UP, ORBITAL VS MEL C IS FUN OK? We really
rather like Mel C's appearance with Orbital.
It's just high energy good vibes. Fellow
survivors of the 90s music industry, just
putting on a show, to make people feel great.
And if you have a different opinion, go and
watch The Onion's review of 'Mama Mia (Here We
Go Again)' first and lighten the fuck up you
techno bores.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* WHAT GENERATION IS YOUR TEXTING STYLE - fun
quiz that proves that communication is
constantly on the move.
https://edition.cnn.com/interactive/2024/06/us/tex...
* PROMO REEL OF FILMS COMING IN 1986 - this is
like slipping into a parallel '80s timeline.
Lots of the films never happened, or happened so
inconsequentially you didn't notice them. The
more comedy-minded of you could use this format
as a template for gags.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* YOUR BROWSER WON'T LIKE THIS - This hyperpop
video takes the trend for 90s nostalgia to the
next level, being made entirely of pop-up
windows and crammed with early internet
references. It cleans up after itself,
thankfully, so you don't end up with a load of
windows to close. Reminds us a bit of that video
Chris Sievey did on his ZX81, which is nice.
https://lyra.horse/antonymph/
* BLUE SCREEN OF BOLLOCKS - Prank the conspiracy
nutter in your life by using this Blue Screen of
Death generator to write a message saying their
computer has failed to detect their vaccine
nanobots, then pressing F11 so it looks like the
message is from Bill Gates himself.
https://bsodmaker.net
* NEEDLEPOINT SENTINEL - We're not sure if this
project was ever featured in the newsletter, but
it is now complete. 14 scenes from The Sentinel
on the BBC Micro lovingly depicted in
needlepoint. Beautiful stuff. Shame the game
itself was fucking dog shit.
https://marine.st/en/pages/sentinel
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
The Stone Age
Here's the best images from last week:
* '2kindsofherring' brings us a b3ta meme it
took us a while to cotton onto and then we were
down, down with it.
http://b3ta.com/board/11409509
* 'S4RK' reminds us of the tech problems that
took down much of norm tech this week.
http://b3ta.com/board/11409535
* 'Blugg' reminds us of the joke everyone does
about T-rexes but to be fair, extends it a bit:
https://b3ta.com/board/11409614
* See all the other images from the 'The Stone
Age' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/thestoneage/popular
>> This week: Vinyl Fantasy <<
Mash up the worlds of fantasy and music by
adding your favourite pop culture wizards,
warriors and weapons to classic album covers.
Suggested by Captain Howdy.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/vinylfantasy/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on older stories & general other
stuff
* JUSTICE FOR SWEDE - amused to notice that
one-time B3ta mash-up maker gets a shout out on
some cans on some Pilot Beer cans of stout for
his 'buttery biscuit base'. C'mon you
stout-wankers - send him some free booze.
https://x.com/swedemason/status/181602236573988080...
* HELP MATT ROUND OUT - Matt is looking for
people to record their audio reactions to the
movie Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot. Your editor
already has and it'll be published soon. Matt
says, "You simply watch the film then record
your thoughts until they run out, can be silly
or serious about it, ramble for ages or keep it
short, whatever."
https://stopormy.mom/
* 'WINKY SONG' 20TH ANNIVERSARY - Koit writes,
"20 years of this weird and wonderful song -
join me in celebrating 2 decades with this
anniversary release." Woo and indeed yay.
https://b3ta.com/links/Touching_Things_is_Fun_The_...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to inspire you
You know the score, sometimes we have loads of
ideas for this section, sometimes we just sit
for three hours going "WE HAVE NOTHING" so this
week we're going look around the kitchen until
we have something to type. Good luck us!
* EGG TIMER - the exciting game where you have
to guess how long 5 minutes is exactly, without
cheating and looking at your watch, coz you you
don't want your yolks too hard or too runny.
* THE CRUSTY CHEF - a recipe book that only
uses the worst bit of the loaf. "But I like
crusts!" Stop fibbing to yourself, yeah they're
nice on proper bread, not on that sliced crap
you get for 80p.
* THE KITCHEN CHEMIST - what's the most
dangerous chemicals you can mix up from only
using stuff you can buy in any hardware shop.
Points if the end result is illegal.
Email posse make some noise:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Eggs - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard.
*** NEW PATREON CONTENT! We've just shoved up "I
Wish My Wife Was A Horse" a lost b3ta song and
video made in 2008 which we absolutely love.
Plus also recently the David M Allen, Cure
producer interview. Oh, and how to see all the
fessholes submissions raw, not just the ones we
post. ****
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Oh just subscribe, you wonderful people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS 'COMPETIVE DAD' FESSHOLE
"My son's school sports day has a parent race
every year. Last year I came second to a twat
who gave me a smug look after the race. Since
then I've been training twice a week to get
faster and this year I absolutely thrashed him.
Worth it."
