NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU WANNA EAT MY LIVER, YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY FRIENDS"
This Week:
* WEEBL - Yes 20 years on & we're still linking him up
* GRANS - And why you shouldn't kill them
* (MAYBE) PRESIDENT OF THE USA - holds your vinyl
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by reading out bits
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| onto a C90"
B3ta newsletter 916 - 2nd August 2024
Read this issue, or don't, who cares really:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue916
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their teeth furry
* WEEBL IS BACK BACK BACK - Jonty 'Weebl'
Picking is bigging up the old school by making a
stupid song about animals and posting it on
Newgrounds like it's 2004 again. He writes,
"This is what happens when you mix Capybaras,
Ska and DnB. Looks so much better than on
YouTube as well."
https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/941757
* DON'T KILL YOUR GRAN OK? 'Rowlification' has
made a short cartoon about his grandma which
you'll find very touching in your intimate
areas.
https://b3ta.com/links/Grandma:2
* DOES THE 'ALL-YOU-CAN-DRINK GRAVY-DIET'
ACTUALLY WORK? - This week's Fesshole podcast is
oddly meat related with stories about sausages
and gravy. Do listen as it's the penultimate of
the series before the series finale one where we
attempt to make a game show.
https://audioboom.com/posts/8548335-the-all-you-ca...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes ok?
Sponsorship is a necessary good of internet
projects, you either do stuff in your spare time
and fund it by having another job or a rich
partner, or you make your projects wash their
own testes by making them make money. Hebtro
have helped B3ta for years, meaning we can write
newsletters instead of having to beg to make
shit projects for ad agencies. So buy their
clothes, they're all made in the UK, designed to
last and make great presents for difficult
blokes.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up
Each week you send in some shit and a we tweet a
few out for the fuck of it. Our favs included:
* REVENGE - "Paid my credit card off & cancelled
my D/D. However interest of a few pence rolled
over & I was fined £12. I called but they were
unforgiving. I overpaid by 2p online. For 20+
years my heart has sang each month the statement
falls through the letterbox & I cost them the
postage."
* FANTASY - "We've got solar panels and when
there's not enough power being generated to
cover usage of big appliances I like to pretend
I'm a star ship captain by turning stuff off
from non essential systems. I issue commands
like divert power from lights to tumble dryer."
* DON'T GET SALTY - "My wife won't let us have
salt at home. Her Dad died from heart disease.
At work I put a few chips onto my fork, then
salt each fork individually. Girl in work is
threatening to tell my wife at the staff party,
so we aren't going now. Salt is great."
Follow the account that only has follower
because people mistook for the funny Columbo one
which posts pictures of Peter Faulk having a
shit whilst saying "just one more thing"
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Come to the shows. Brum next then the Isle of
Wight.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book, it's got 4.6 out of 5 on Amazon
according to 165 people, many of them probably
cunts.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
New software to load into your home computer
* HUMMING INTROS QUIZ - An enjoyably lo-fi
W****e of the week. It's basically the intros
round from Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Can you
work out what song is being badly sung a
cappella.
https://mumbdle.com
* FOR YOUR EYES ONLY - Neal Dotfun's latest is
ChatRoulette but for communicating with your
eyes only. We're sure the naked men of the
internet will soon get around this limitation
with the careful application of a pair of googly
eyes, and it did make us feel a bit Huw Edwards
as it matched us with someone that was clearly a
child.
https://neal.fun/eyechat/
* FUCK THOSE C64 LOSERS - Zzap! Magazine is
back, and to promote it they've made this SID
tunes radio station. Could do with plugging a
Commodore Magic Voice into their breadbin in
order to back announce the tunes, though. (Hurt
our ears a bit - it's a nice idea but could do
with some EQ to soften the top end.)
https://zzapradio.org.uk
* KAMALA HOLDING VINYLS - in a joke that's
already old hat because news moves too fast,
drop in your own LP covers so that the future
President Of The USA is bigging up your
favourite 12" disk. Next week: Neil Kninnock
holding C90s.
https://kamala-holding-vinyls.glitch.me/
* COMPLETE LUNACY - Fun music instructional
video where a man builds an echo box by bouncing
his voice off the moon.
https://b3ta.com/links/Space_Echo_Plugin
* WATCH THIS AND BECOME A FILM MAKER - Enjoyed
this video about making a short film with the
cheapest camera on Amazon ($9) - it makes the
good & useful point that limited choices can
give you ideas, coz it's no longer a blank
canvas where you can do anything, but what can
you do with THIS?
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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*** NEW PATREON CONTENT - We've just shoved up
"I Wish My Wife Was A Horse" a lost B3ta song
and video made in 2008 which we absolutely love.
Plus also recently the David M Allen, Cure
producer interview. Oh, and the secret link to
how to see all the Fessholes submissions raw,
not just the ones we post. ***
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Vinyl Fantasy
Here's the best images from last week, where we
asked you to combine LP covers and 'fantasy',
you know, Warlocks and all that tedious
bollocks.
* Well done to 'Dick Wonder' for finding the
intersection between punk and H.G. Wells
https://b3ta.com/board/11409709
* Our top photoshopping chum 'S4RK' found an
alternative use for the peaks in your kids'
favourite t-shirt
https://b3ta.com/board/11409667
* And thanks to Captain Howdy for comboing
George Harrison and Monty Python - hang on, they
did that themselves too
https://b3ta.com/board/11409685
* See all the other images from the 'Vinyl
Fantasy' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/vinylfantasy/popular
>> This week: Paris 2024 Olympics <<
Swimming! Badmington! Horse Dancing! It's
Olympics time again, so let's Photoshop all the
fun from France.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/parisolympics/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* BACK TO THE EGGPOD - A version of the
recordings your editor made for the final Eggpod
is available now, but we do recommend the two
hour version that's locked away on Chris's
Patreon as that really does feel like being
there. Linky goes to the short version that's
available to all.
https://audioboom.com/posts/8547962-cardboard-tomb...
* KLF AHA AHA - Is mentioning Bill Drummond is
doing a thing a follow-up? Well at a stretch as,
we often mention what he's up to and have
apparently mentioned the KLF seven different
times in the Fesshole podcast. No idea what his
latest thing is about but fuck it, we've bought
tickets anyway because supporting little Billy D
is what we do. We are his Swifty army.
https://www.tickettailor.com/events/caughtbytheriv...
* JE NE SUIS PAS UN ROCK STAR - In old issues
we've bigged up the writings of Michael M at
least twice - his shtick is to write about his
ultimately doomed attempts at being a rock star.
It's now a book and Michael M writes, "In the
00s, I was in the world's best and most
forgotten indie punk band, We Are The Physics,
and I've written a whole book about what it's
like to be a massive international failure." So
order now, or don't, but we're ordering.
https://shop.lastnightfromglasgow.com/products/the...
* ANCIENT PLAGIARISM, MAYBE - Former B3tan,
'Bela Lugosi's Dad' writes, "Motivated by the
mention in your last newsletter of Swedemason's
Buttery Biscuit Base being co-opted by Big Beer,
I thought I'd bring this up. In 2008 a clip of a
chameleon walking across a hot road was posted
on /links, and I gave it a more appropriate
soundtrack which went viral. 9 years later, this
advert for Berocca clearly tapped into the
spirit of it. I have to date received no
freebies from Berocca."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea dick
* PLATTY-JUBES GEN - Write code that'll take any
phrase and give a twee version of it like 'Linky
Parks' and 'Scissy Sists' etc.
* GOLDEN GIRLS O TRON 2000 - a web app that
recasts the Golden Girls for any year in
history. For 2024 we'd get: Christina Applegate
- Blanche (53), Jennifer Lopez - Rose (55),
Renée Zellweger - Dorothy - (55) & Helen Mirren
- Sophia (79). Actually maybe we should be
pitching this to Hollywood - it would rule.
* SOMEONE TO FIND ALL THE OLD B3TA RADIO SHOWS
WE MADE TWENTY YEARS AGO - we can only find one
online. Surely you have more somewhere?
Send us your missives:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Eggs again this week -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard.
Oh just subscribe, you wonderful people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS 'DUMP YOUR FRIENDS' FESSHOLE
A "friend" once invited us round for dinner.
When we arrived we were given handwritten menus
with the price of each dish. And we were
expected to pay for everything we ate. Needless
to say, I haven't had anything to do with them
since.
