NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT DEMANDS FREE TUSKS ON THE NHS"
This Week:
* 3D GOLF - now actually in three dimension
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - celebrate the movie 'Alien'
* FESSHOLE LIVE - Preston & Wolverhampton announced
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for afters, along with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| a nice chocolate cake"
B3ta newsletter 918 - 23rd August 2024
Read issue to chatGTP & say "make it noncy":
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue918
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making cum tributes to rhinos
* "HE'S PLAYING THREE DIMENSIONAL GOLF" - Matt
Round has 'upgraded' his dog poo golf game to
work with those cheapo 3D glasses you used to
get with your packets of cereal when they were
promoting Jaws 3D. Matt writes, "Forget the
metaverse and Apple"s fancy goggles, with some
cheap red & cyan glasses you can now play Dog
Poo Golf in glorious 3D!"
https://vole.wtf/dog-poo-golf/
* USING NERD SKILLS TO PROP UP THIS FAILING
COUNTRY - We're quite impressed with occasional
B3tan Jonty Wareing offering up his own bus
arrival screen, and we poked him to write it up
and he told us "I never got around to it, but
IanVisits wrote it up." So read that instead.
https://www.ianvisits.co.uk/articles/historic-lime...
* HOW TO COOK INSTANT STUFF - 'Chuffley' has
started a cooking channel where he plans to
teach people how to cook, the only problem being
that he doesn't actually know how to cook. Good
luck, brave chef.
http://b3ta.com/links/1617848
* CRAB-BLOKE REUNION GIG - Joel Veitch writes,
"7 Seconds Of Love are getting back together for
a reunion gig on Friday 11th October at the New
Cross Inn. It's the first time we've played
together in years so I'm super excited. It may
well be the last time as well - we are flying
the sax player over from America, and the Bass
player over from Denmark, so it's not something
we can do again easily. Come on over if you
fancy a night of ska silliness with some old
farts off the internet." We'll be at the front
shouting "play Giant Beans!"
https://newcrosslive.com/events/7-seconds-of-love
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP *YES,IT'S A SALE*
Slightly cheaper than usual, just a smidge
Our sponsors have a sale on - now is the time to
grab some clothes. All designed to last, made in
the UK and ideal as gifts for
hard-to-buy-for-men in your life. Or your butch
mum.
https://hebtro.co/its-a-sale/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up like cat sick and burps
Each week we beg you to stop fessing into our
handy Google form, as we hate entertaining
nuggets of relatable stories. But you insist on
punishing us with your shite. Some we found
slightly tolerable this week included:
* WAKE-UP CALL - "My ex's new boyfriend just won
a gold medal at the Olympics. In other news I've
joined a gym."
* QUACK QUACK OOPS - "Just sent my boyfriend Dan
a photo of my pussy saying 'hurry home from
work. I know you've had a busy day so I've got
something for you to eat' But I sent it to 'dad'
didn't I? My life is over."
* HAIRY CORNFLAKE - "I just shaved my beard off.
I've had it for 15 years. I have now discovered
I look shit without it. I'm taking the next 2
weeks off work to grow it back in privacy.
Follow on Blue Sky coz Twitter is run by a twat.
We're also on Mastodon if you want to hang out
with ZX81 programmers.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social
* NEW SHOWS - Come to the shows, coming up is
Brumingham and then Isle Of Wight. OOH AND NEW
ONES ANNOUNCED! Preston and Wolverhampton.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
* PODCAST UPDATE - we did season one and we'll
take a break before we decide on tackling more.
Do listen to the game show one if you haven't as
it's the most fun thing we've done and we rather
liked this review from Chris Allan: "I have just
listened to the panel show episode. It's a thing
of beauty. I've liked all the episodes but this
one had me laughing loudly and my wife asking
what the hell I was listening to. Don't stop
now. Keep them coming."
https://audioboom.com/posts/8549785-can-we-make-a-...
* BOOK PROMO - Buy the book that's actually
slightly better than the first book as the print
is slightly larger and more appealing to our
middle-aged eyes.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
10 Print "show me shitty websites" 20 die
* YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THE LOTTERY - Instead
of wasting vast amounts of computational power
trying to find bitcoin, this site is slowly
trying to find a Spotify playlist ID that has
exactly 100 songs. A daft experiment to make a
point about big numbers and probability.
https://thespotifylottery.co.uk
* LET'S NUKE THE MOON - Neal Dotfun is trying to
find out which is best - the sun or the moon. It
will no doubt end up 52-48 in favour of the moon
and we'll have to destroy the sun since the will
of the people demands it.
https://neal.fun/sun-vs-moon/
* MOVIE GAME THING - W****e of the week is this
movie guessing game, which takes a hot-or-cold
approach to loads of imdb data points. Still
impossible, mind, especially as the answers tend
to be quite Sight & Sound choices.
https://moviely.app
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Please stop torturing us with this crap
* Gub~gub has pointed out this signpost on
Google maps which is sort of "spunky cum
bouquet" if you squint.
https://tinyurl.com/ioprtbn222
* Whilst Andy_R alerts us to a time-lapse
photography website with a terrible name.
https://www.pro-lapse.com/
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*** NEW PATREON CONTENT - one of our favourite
ever bits of of stuff your editor ever made for
the internet has been shared today - a lovely
song called 'There's A Hole In My Cock That Lets
The Tears Out' only for the brave people who
sign up for the Patreon ***
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Dog Films
Last week we wanted you to re-imagine films as
if they were made to entertain dogs, you know,
Schindler's Stick, that kind of thing.
Our favs include:
* This one from S4RK that fully understood that
the brief wasn't simply to photoshop some dogs
in:
https://b3ta.com/board/11410105
* This from 2kindsofherring which probably
matches his own thoughts on seeing this film:
https://b3ta.com/board/11410085
* And this, again from S4RK, for just being so
perfect, yes, that's exactly how a dog would
react to this famous scene:
https://b3ta.com/board/11410088
* See all the other images from the 'Dog Films'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/dogfilms/popular
>> This week: Alien <<
There's another Alien movie out. Let's
Photoshop our favourite moments from the
interminable franchise. BTW: We saw the Alien
film and give it a cautious thumbs up, coz it's
not lost in mythology bollocks, and just
delivers a solid thriller of teenagers getting
killed one-by-one in the spooky house
(spaceship).
http://b3ta.com/challenge/alien/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea bollocks
* CAROL-O-TRON 2000 - Jonathan Ellinsfield
requests, "I would love to be able to make Carol
Vorderman spell out any word with an optional
titter during certain letter reveals". We bet
you would Jonathan
https://youtu.be/qTrSUiHm4YY
* SUBSTITUTION - an art project where you record
replacement, and probably quite poor, songs for
famous albums and leave the CD for unsuspecting
people to find at the local railway station pile
of free media. We keep thinking about doing this
and haven't quite got round to it.
* A PODCAST SOLELY DEDICATED TO GETTING PEOPLE
TO LISTEN TO DAVID SYLVIAN'S SECRETS OF THE
BEEHIVE LP - each week another guest "gets it"
until finally this album is as popular as it
should have been in 1987.
Go on, fill in the form, we've read everything
you've sent us for twenty plus years and we're
not stopping now.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Giant Beans - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard.
Oh just subscribe, you wonderful people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS 'WHY DID WE START THIS?' FESSHOLE
"I was forced to split up from the love of my
life because I couldn't cope with him shouting
'squeeze one out of me love' in a strong
Yorkshire accent whenever he climaxed. He's from
Kent."
