NEWSLETTER: "EAT FOOD AND 3D PRINT SCULPTURES WITH YOUR BOTTOM"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Right actor, wrong film results
* THREADS - Happy 40th bday to nuclear piss dread
* JOHN HIGGS - Doctor Who book to pre-order
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "If you've got ideas for
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | saving the web from AI
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| dross - please share"
B3ta email 923 - 27th Sep 2024
Read this issue wearing your cool CD Discman:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue923
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making snot tributes to the Royals
* ANTI SOCIAL MEDIA SONG - John Dog writes,
"I've done a video for my latest release made
with love and panic. People tell me it gets
quite funny towards the end." We quite liked
this, we sorta wanted to hate it but, yeah, we
ran with it. Twitter must die, apparently.
https://b3ta.com/links/Ive_done_another_one_of_the...
* WHAT ARE THE MOST POPULAR FLAVOURS OF CRISPS?
Matt Round writes, "Less than a month to go til
Crisp Sandwich Day 2024 so I did some data
analysis." Nice work Matt, we can't wait until
it's CRISPMAS!
https://vole.wtf/crisp-sandwich-day/#news
* HIDE YOUR CATS, IT'S AN ALF PODCAST - Your
editor writes, "Invited onto a podcast to talk
about a TV show I've never watched - which I
quite liked doing, as it's kinda fun to do a bit
of homework about something I don't know about
then shout it at people." Have you got one of
these podcast things? Then why not invite your
editor on more things? Even ones not about ALF,
we haven't watched Bigfoot and the Hendersons
either.
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/alfsplaini...
* OUR FAV AUTHOR WRITES DOCTOR WHO BOOK - John
Higgs writes, "Delighted to share the cover of
my next book, EXTERMINATE / REGENERATE: THE
STORY OF DOCTOR WHO. Out in April, details and
pre-order here." We can't wait for this, Higg's
last book on the Beatles/Bond crossover stuff
was a work of fucking joy.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/139961477...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Clothes, that you can buy, with your pounds
Each week we ask you to stop reading this
newsletter without your trousers on as we find
it a bit embarrassing and want to make sure your
leggies are covered up. Help is at hand from
Hebtro who make trousers and shirts and boots
and stuff, and will sell them to you using this
internet hyperlink. All made in the UK and ideal
as gifts for blokes.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Yes it's confession time you horrible wankers
Apparently us asking you to stop confessing just
encourages you so instead we're going to ask you
not to give us £100. Please do not give us
money. Anyway, some of the slightly better ones
this week includes:
* BOG - "I don't think anyone's found the
'correct' thing to say when using a public
toilet and someone knocks on the stall to check
if anyone's in there. But what just came out of
my mouth was 'Yes, it's me'"
* ARSES - "My mom's fess really, but she has
bought a brand of toilet paper purely because it
is named 'Nicky' for the past 15 years, because
her awful boss in 2009 was named Nicky and the
idea of wiping her arse with Nicky was the only
thing that kept her sane."
* TESCO - "As an American immigrant to UK, I've
been trying for years to hide my accent while
ordering food, coffee, etc. Two years ago, a
Tesco delivery driver and I said 'cheers' at the
exact same time in the exact same bored tone. I
still buzz with pride every time I remember it."
Follow the account that's sorta ok if you like
this sort of thing.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
Do come to the shows if only because it gives
this newsletter editor a reason to get around
the country. And that's actually rather fun and
interesting for him coz sitting around in North
London all the time can get a bit samey.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books coz you know, they're books and
you can use them to steady uneven tables or even
kindle a fire.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Websites, they're like apps, but useful
* JUSTICE FOR THREADS URINATION LADY - it's
Threads' 40 year anniversary, a reminder that
after years of just being "Woman Who Urinates on
Herself", someone eventually added a full bio to
Anne Sellors' IMDB profile. (BTW: Make sure
you're staying and watching BBC4 on Wed 9th
October, as it's a full night of nuclear doom
nostalgia TV.)
https://m.imdb.com/name/nm1856457/bio/
* PLAY 'BREAK/SPACE' NOW - Honestly spent the
week addicted to this ZX Spectrum space trader
game that won some gaming jam in 2017. It's
lovely coz it's basically a one screen RPG that
takes 5 mins to play, then you can play it
again. For some reason this is like crack to us.
https://spectrumcomputing.co.uk/playonline.php
* STREET LEVEL WORD SEARCH - A lovely little
code/art project in which Brooklyn's street view
has been hooked up with a text reader so that
you can find out that "J.P. Wank" is a real
estate company, or look at a door where a
promising street artist has written "twat". Just
now hook it up to a lyrics machine to make
videos for songs.
https://alltext.nyc
* DOUBLE OR SHITS - This minimalist game in
which you must keep doubling the number stops
your brain wandering for about a minute, and
would probably turn Carol Vorderman into some
sort of zen master.
https://playdoubles.org
* Greedy Unicorn recommends "Rubber Keyed
Wonder: A film about the history of the ZX
speccy, with a live Q&A after. It's at the IMAX
on Thursday 03 October 2024 17:45. If there was
a corner of the internet that would appreciate
this film, it's probably this one."
https://whatson.bfi.org.uk/imax/Online/default.asp...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Right actor, wrong film results
This proved to be a popular challenge with over
100 entries, which is the metric we judge these
things by, break into 3 figures and we're
popping a champagne cork going "it's a hit lads,
B3ta is back"
* Dick Wonder has rewritten Titanic to fix that
controversial ending
https://b3ta.com/board/11411131
* Monkeon proves once again that he's a genius
https://b3ta.com/board/11411318
* Cumquat May gives us this one in questionable
taste but we did giggle. Thanks Tom Hanks.
https://b3ta.com/board/11411146
Oh see the popular ones, all 100+ of them:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/rightactorwrongrole/pop...
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: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
What b3tans did next
* HEY HEY 16 LISTENERS - Monkeon tells us, "And
if he hasn't sent you it, a nice follow up in
which MJ Hibbett reveals b3ta to be almost as
good a place to advertise as Radio Times. I'm
not sure b3ta is quite ready for the walk-in
bath ads yet, though. Give it ten years."
https://mjhibbett.co.uk/blog/showblog.php
* justwhatever22 writes, "HEY YO I'M THE HAIRY
BLOKE in the bohemian rhapsody choir who made
and posted that video. I just saw that you put
it at the top of the newsletter! I've been a
b3tan since about 1792: fuck getting a Grammy, I
am seriously beyond delighted. Amazing... thanks
absolutely heaps!" He also mentions they'll be
playing in London next summer probably - so look
out for that.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* ABOUT BULLSHIT - Can you guess what this
company does from the first paragraph of their
About page? Would be an OK quiz if anyone could
be bothered to make it.
* ARE YOU THE SOCIAL MEDIA POLICE? "Have you
ever DM'd someone asking them why are they still
following someone?" "Are you judging people for
posting on the Musk-o-Tron 2000 or Zukerberg's
shite machine?"
* 40 MIN EDITS - A whole project dedicated to
cutting down bloated CDs to the correct length.
There's a great LP in The Stone Roses Second
Coming if you reduced it to the 8 or 9 good
tracks and cut the swampy intro and dodgy
"secret" track.
Your emails to the usual form.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (That - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "ROWLING CHAT" FESSHOLE
"I recently received an email from a guy named
'Harry Potter'. I couldn't help but laugh for
five straight minutes and then wonder how much
this guy's life has sucked because of a book."
