NEWSLETTER: "YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO DOG SHIT MONTHLY HAS EXPIRED"
This Week:
* FANTASY WILBURY GENERATOR - One for each year
* A DEAL NOT TO BE MISSED - Mediaeval weaponry
* 14 SECONDS OF SPARKY GOLD - Just watch it
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "The official newsletter
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | of the staying in bed
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| and sulking fanclub"
B3ta electronic email 925 - 11th October 2024
Read this issue to:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue925
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than mailing turds to Top Cat for funsies
* THE TRAVELING WILBURYS FOR ANY YEAR IN HISTORY
- Monkeon has answered our request to make a
thingie that allows you to build Traveling
Wilburys line-ups for any year. The idea is to
make you feel old, if catching your own face in
the black mirror on the laptop between videos of
porn wasn't enough. He writes: "Hopefully the
logo doesn't look too botched, as I realised too
late that George and Jeff were outnumbered when
it came to choosing the American or British
spelling."
https://monkeon.co.uk/the-time-traveling-wilburys/
* THE SWEAR-O-TRON 2000 - C_kick writes, "I
decided to rework one of my generators (the
insult & swear word one), mainly because the old
code was bloated and broken, and also to
practise my JavaScript and CSS coding a bit.
Went all-out in the design/interaction, and
really loving it myself so far. And besides
that, I have added quite a lot more words, so I
had quite a few laughs while reworking it." What
a cunt.
https://foulomatic.hnldesign.nl/
* OH GOD, ALF NO CONTEXT - In our doomed attempt
to make Ricardo Autobahn's podcast about ALF a
hit we've encouraged him to make an 'Alf no
context' account with the idea that'll be a
massive hit and then he can promo the pod off
the back of it. Well that's the theory, pushing
this uphill might be another matter.
https://twitter.com/ALFContext
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Go on and buy some clothes
Hebtro make durable clothing mostly for men, and
it's all manufactured in the UK. It's ideal for
a treat for yourself, or if you're in the market
for buying gifts for blokes, then it's a big
list of things that'll probably go down well.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
The confessions stuff is here
Each week we read literally thousands of
confessions and then post out sixteen a day on
social media, and then pick three for the b3ta
newsletter. So this is the best of the best -
the finest cream risen to the top of the shit
soup:
* TEAR-JERKER - "I'm obviously grateful for my
son in a lot of ways but mainly because after
moving towns I found myself to become extremely
lonely. Fast forward 8 years I have loads of dad
mates due to his school/football clubs and
they're all top blokes, thank you my boy."
* EVIL, BUT THEN SORTA FUNNY - "As a teen I
kidnapped a cat from a nearby street & locked it
in the garage, with the intention of collecting
eventual 'reward'. Pinched tins of tuna from the
kitchen to feed it. Felt guilty within a few
hours & let it go, only for him to return for
tuna twice a week for 8 years"
* NOPE, FOOTBALL - NO IDEA - "I'm a Liverpool
season ticket holder, my 4 year old has recently
started singing Arne Slot's name to the tune of
baby shark, it's annoyingly very catch and I'm
genuinely terrified that I'll start drunkenly
singing it at a game."
Sub to the account that's now on BlueSky as that
appears to be where most of the people we know
have gone, although it is also on Mastodon too.
Actually we get better numbers on Threads but
we've struggled to automate the posting there.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
Come to the live shows as it's a good reason for
a newsletter editor to spend a few hours away
from a keyboard and basking in the glow of a few
hundred people going "actually, this is quite
fun isn't it?" Wolverhampton, Isle of Wight,
London & Preston coming up.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book, link goes to the yellow one rather
than the red one. Coz that's what we call them
here, the yellow and the red one, coz we were
encouraged to give them names that were too
similar and now we slightly regret this.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
The best pages on Ceefax this week
* BUY THIS MILTARY EQUIPMENT - Some fucker is
selling a trebuchet and he knows full well what
a publicity magnet this is, so has made a video
to promote it.
https://b3ta.com/links/Trebuchet_for_sale
* PETS ON WHEELS - This tortoise on a
mini-skateboard appears to be quite happy that
he can get around quicker and it's clear that
this technology should be rolled out to all of
our slow, shelled friends
https://b3ta.com/links/It_seems_to_adapt_surprisin...
* CONTENT FOR ELECTRICIANS - A short 14 second
video that'll play in your mind for longer than
the 14 seconds it takes to watch it.
https://b3ta.com/links/One_for_any_sparks_on_b3ta
* DRAWING A WANK - A collaborative drawing site
where the novelty is you get to use crayons.
The format means that even the inevitable
horrible bits get diffused by the feeling of
primary school nostalgia.
https://crayon.town
* SCRABBLE TO THE BOTTOM - W****e of the week is
this game in which you must play
Scrabble-for-one and join the top word to the
bottom with the available tiles. Not exactly
difficult, but quite a pleasant way to pass a
minute of your life.
https://bridj.link
* STUPID FUCKING FORMATS - Green Day join the
hipster web by remaking Dookie with dead media.
Seems very MSCHF inspired, but thankfully not as
Nathan Barley as those agencies can sometimes
be. Seems more of a Weezer thing to do, though.
https://dookiedemastered.com
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Meaty puns results
Last week to celebrate Keir Starmer demanding
that
Hamas "release the sausages" B3ta has entirely
pivoted to animal-flesh wordplay and here's our
fabs:
* We had Dick Wonder's take on Status Quo which
wasn't pictures of meatstick men:
https://b3ta.com/board/11411597
* Plankton gave us some supermarket dialogue:
https://b3ta.com/board/11411534
* Monkeon gave us a joke that's probably very
literary and clever:
https://b3ta.com/board/11411600
See them all if you're someone who finds eating
animals a bit weird and funny:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/meatypuns/popular/
And this week we're asking you to make opposite
games. You know, Pong where you're the ball and
you have to avoid the bat or something like that
but funny.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/oppositegames/popular/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
You know the score, sometimes we don't have any
ideas for this, so we'll think up an ideas
generator and see what comes out. So this week
it's going to be "literal games"
* LITERAL PONG - a computer game where you have
to identify the smelly things from the
expressions of the people smelling them.
* LITERAL SPACE INVADERS - a game where you get
points from marching in and peeing in the urinal
right next to where the other dude is pissing.
And for round two you can make people feel very
uncomfortable on public transport.
* LITERAL TEMPEST - ok this is a harder one to
work out, maybe it's a game where you drop
storms on people who are having a good time to
make them miserable? Or it's a game where you
have to learn all the lines to a Shakespeare
play and type them in, and have shoddy 8-bit
characters saying stuff back at you like "that's
not the line dude, ffs"
You can do better than us so try ok?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Jib jab - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "LIFE GOALS" FESSHOLE
"Last year, Sainsbury's awarded me the dubious
honour of being the 6th biggest buyer of Double
Deckers in my town. My main objective this year
isn't career progression or personal happiness,
it's to be in the top 3 buyers of Double Deckers
in my town."
