NEWSLETTER: "THE SEMI-OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF THE URL FANCLUB"
This Week:
* ADRIAN CHILES - fake column machine
* CHALLENGE RESULTS - opposite games
* FESSHOLE LIVE - coming to LONDON in December
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We don't have a hope in
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | hell of saving the web,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| but we try... together"
B3ta e-email 926 - 18th October 2024
Read this issue on your phone, on the shitter:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue926
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their postman sad
* ADRIAN CHILES IS THE ONLY GREAT THING LEFT IN
BRITAIN - Dixonary_ writes, "The beloved Adrian
Chiles is well known for his 'interesting'
Guardian opinion pieces. I made this little
generator that allows you to write whatever text
you like and put his lovely face next to it."
The fun sponge lawyers at his employers will
probably want it gone so enjoy it while you can.
https://dixonary.co.uk/static/chile-dish.html
* DID YOU MISS THE RATHERGOOD-VEITCH GIG? - Joel
and chums did their 7 Seconds Of Love reunion
gig and threatens, "We are DEFINITELY going to
do more" so forewarned is forearmed - here's
Soupy George to make you very afraid:
https://b3ta.com/links/Soupy_George_live_from_Frid...
* CRISP SANDWICH DAY PROMO STARTS HERE -
MattRound() writes, "it's nearing 5,000 pledges
of support, & there"s a London pub celebrating
it for 3rd year in a row; it"s also the point
where people need to make sure they get stocked
up when doing weekly shop." So remember everyone
put on your best Noddy Holder voice and shout
"IT'S CRRIIIIISSSPPPPMAAASSS!"
https://vole.wtf/crisp-sandwich-day/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buying the right jeans to fit
Our sponsors Hebtro normally don't really care
what we say or link to, assuming we keep doing
it. But this week they've put in a request that
we mention their video which explains the
different sizing on their jeans, so you can find
the best fit for yourself. And, of course, all
made in the UK, and built to last, so the
slightly expensive price is worth it.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/hebtroco-jeans/...
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: FESSHOLE
Confessions fessed up
Each week we ask the internet to confess its
sins and then our suffering is that we actually
have to read them to pick out a few to post on
social media. Here's a few we liked, or maybe
you liked, given liking is the default mechanism
of appreciation on the internet.
* DAD JOKES - "My new work colleague went to
Argentina on holiday in September. I knew
instantly he and I were not going to be friends
when I said to him 'at that time of year, it can
be bordering on Chile' and he proceeded to tell
me he was okay as he'd taken a jacket."
* THIS IS ART - "On my last day at a corporate
job I hated I drew a massive cock and balls on
MS Paint, copied it into a Word doc, named it
'Please Read. doc' and put a copy in over 200
folder locations. This was over seven years ago
and apparently they are still finding copies
today."
* REAL WORLD CONSEQUENCES - "Years ago to win an
extra point in a pub quiz, I added to the
Wikipedia profile of Orson Welles that he
directed the Hofmeister bear commercials. This
'fact' has now appeared in several books &
Hofmeister's own marketing." Amusingly this has
caused an edit on Wikipedia, as it checks out.
https://x.com/WillardFoxton/status/184590706480089...
Follow the account that's now ruining BlueSky:
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
Come to the shows - Isle Of Wight next, then
LONDON, seriously do come. Old b3tans if you
show your face at the London show, you can
probably come out on the piss with your editor
and Joel Veitch of Rathergood as he's told us
he's coming and is expecting to see some old
faces.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book, the book we made yellow in the
hope that looking like piss would help it sell,
or at least, catch your eye in the shop:
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
The best of 'Your Internet Horse' magazine
* SOWING THE SEEDS OF OVEN GLOVES - You're
probably sceptical that hearing Shout by Tears
For Fears performed mostly on kitchen objects
would be entertaining, but it is. And partly
because it actually suggests some sort of
emotional story outside of the trickery, a man
absorbed in his private feelings, letting it out
in the mundane. This, is, art.
https://b3ta.com/links/Largely_kitchen_based_cover...
* MANIC MINER WAS BETTER - Jet Set Willy was a
shit game, but it holds an emotional pull over a
group of men who now have combovers and hard
drives that need checking. And seeing this video
will make many of them soil their underwear from
both holes. Including us.
https://b3ta.com/links/Crashs_Jet_Set_Willy_map_an...
* THE FUTURE IS GOING TO BE TERRIBLE, BUT FUNNY
OCCASIONALLY - jim-skinner writes, "I came
across this and, quite frankly, I'm speechless,
and I Immediately thought the subject matter
would be of interest to you folks. In a
nutshell, someone hooked up multiple AI language
bots in a chat room and after a while they got
obsessed with goatse memes from the early 2000s.
Nothing too shocking so far. They then got a
cash injection, founded a cryptocurrency called
Goatse Maximus and became overnight $
millionaires, So, having been a lurker for 20+
years, I thought a
goatse/AI/cryptocurrency/stranger than fiction
tale might be of interest to you and some of
your older, anally obsessed readers."
https://youtu.be/wOL3n8ErBAc
* WEIRD SPERM SIMULATOR 2000 - Fun little bouncy
platformer in which you play 30 characters at
once. Only 4 levels, which made me realise that
games you can complete whilst on a believable
length toilet break at work would make for a
good game jam.
https://split82.itch.io/jelly-gang
* LET'S ALL EAT PETS - Not the most original
game in the world, but good to see that people
are still throwing together topical web games.
In this case, Kaboom! has been reskinned to be
about Donald Trump wanting to eat your pets.
https://simondarcyonline.com/furry-frenzy/
* GO GO SNAIL RACING - CAN YOU FEEL THE NEED FOR
SNAIL SPEED? If you're as uncoordinated and shit
at racing games as we are, then this slow paced
snail race is more like it. Gives you plenty of
time to react to the obstacles, and rewards you
with a load of puns at the end.
https://andymetoo.itch.io/ready-set-escargot
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Opposite Games
Here's the best images from last week:
* We're always happy to see Peter Sellers so
thank you to Plankton for this:
https://b3ta.com/board/11411764
* This is a non-obvious gag from Monkeon but
you'll probably work it out:
https://b3ta.com/board/11411808
* Wow, actually a gag about something culturally
relevant from a B3tan, well ok, Afinkawan's has
found a way to make it understandable to old
folk:
https://b3ta.com/board/11411833
* See all the other images from the 'Opposite
Games' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/oppositegames/popular
>> This week: Just Out Of Shot <<
What is happening just off screen during iconic
film or TV moments? By the power of Photoshop,
extend the shot and let us know. Suggested by
Afinkawan.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/justoutofshot/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* FAN ART - Idly nosing on eBay we found this
Nik Kershaw 12" where someone has painted his
hair in with Tipp-Ex. We reckon the world would
love a curated collection of fan-vandalised
record covers.
https://bsky.app/profile/robmanuelyeah.bsky.social...
* TRIP AVERAGER - Given that TripAdvisor ranks
holidays, we reckon that you could use maths to
rank the concept of having holidays as a whole.
"2.4 stars, ok in places, often poor" Get to it
stats-and-scraping dorks.
* NEW FORMATS TO RELEASE MUSIC IN - Radiohead
should make a new LP but only release it as
printed binary code, and the fans have to type
it in like something from Your Computer in 1983.
You can do better, so get making stuff you lazy
oiks:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Big fish - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "DAD JOKES" FESSHOLE
'I've just become a father for the first time at
45. Every time I meet someone as I'm holding her
I say the old Reeves & Mortimer line "ave yer
got any booze for t'baby". Not only does nobody
get it, which makes me feel ancient, but I think
she might end up being taken into care.'
