NEWSLETTER: "FRANKIE SAYS EX-LAX: SHART THE UNEMPLOYED"
This Week:
* ARE HOLIDAYS GOOD? - find out now
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - sitcom monster mashup results
* CONTROL PACMAN - with your own face, at last
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B3ta electro-email 928 - 1st Nov 2024
Read this issue via a new-fangled hyperlink:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue928
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than picking crisps with their toes
* ARE HOLIDAYS ACTUALLY WORTHWHILE? -
jeffriestim writes, "A couple of weeks back you
asked if holidays in general could be rated;
turns out, yes. Since you requested
stats-and-scraping dorks get to it, I present:
ARE HOLIDAYS GOOD? (though I'm a bit worried I
might have accidentally made something a little
bit useful)." We love it when people actually
listen to our suggestions - hooray.
https://public.tableau.com/app/profile/tim.jeffrie...
* B3TAN WRITES A BOOK FOR YOUR KIDS - Mike
Rampton AKA MikeIsBrill writes "I have written
an extremely good children's book, aided by real
impressive grown-up experts from Cambridge
University. It's always nice to work on
something with absolute certainty you"re the
thickest person involved." Basically it's a big
list of questions kids ask, like "How do people
in armour go for a pee?" with answers
fact-checked by people who know stuff instead of
"I reckon".
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/183994739...
* WEEBL BLOKE TEASES NEW ALBUM - Jonti Picking
tells us that it's been "5 years of work, and
100s of demo tracks and I can finally put this
out into the World. My god. I'm tired." Then go
to sleep Jonti.
https://b3ta.com/links/5_years_of_work
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes ok? Specifically jeans.
Right, as an alternative to the normal blurb we
do, we'll search the Fesshole archives for
mentions and we've got: "I bought some Hebtroco
jeans after seeing them advertised on Fesshole,
but have put on so much lockdown weight sitting
on my arse all day for months that my belly now
hangs over them, hiding the exquisite tailoring.
I have to lie down to be able to do up the
buttons, FFS." Well, help is at hand if we link
to Hebtro's sizing guide:
https://hebtro.co/product-category/hebtroco-jeans/...
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: FESSHOLE
Fesses fessed up by fessholians
OK, you know the bullshit, we ask people to
confess, post sixteen a day on social media and
then round up three for the B3ta newsletter at
the end of the week. Here are ones we quite
liked:
* KARMA - "A few years back, I bought a
Breitling watch, which arrived the day I got
back from a trip to Turkey without the wife. I
told her it cost £25 and was a fake. My son then
took it to school and lost it. I couldn't even
get angry with him, as she'd find out I'd
actually spent £8k."
* WEIRD AND SNEAKY - "Wife is a Welsh speaker.
Due to several layers of lies, she doesn't know
I am too. Whenever she wants to keep something
secret she speaks Welsh. Almost been caught out
a few times. The peace I get from feigning
ignorance is worth the pretence."
* HARD TRUTHS - "Being a parent is basically
accepting everytime you fancy something nice you
have to buy it for everyone. "Cheap" takeaway
because I can't be bothered to cook, just cost
me £42.60"
Follow the account that's on BlueSky until the
owners turn it all into a crypto-grift, or
whatever bullshit they'll pull:
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
Come to the shows. London, Wolverhampton,
Preston, Isle Of Wight, and just announced
LEICESTER!
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book which received the following Amazon
review: "If you know B3ta then you know what to
expect - fairly childish, often offensive, and
generally funny."
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your URLS this week to cut out and keep
* EAT GHOSTS WITH YOUR FACE - that bloke who did
the million checkboxes thing has made a Pacman
game which you control by making chomping
motions into your webcam. It's quite ridiculous
and a good reminder that the internet can be
FUN.
https://eieio.games/paccam/
* FIRST RIP - Wikipedia editors race to change
an is to a was when a celebrity pops their
clogs, but this site opens the challenge up to
the horrible bastards on social media by
awarding a medal to the first person to say RIP
to various dead celebs. It's also interesting
to be reminded of those who died recently, as
we'd manage to forget half of them are dead.
https://theripoff.game
* ARE YOU AS FAT AS A CROCODILE? - Stupid
calculators have always been a good idea for a
project if you're wanting a code challenge. This
one takes your BMI and lets you know what animal
matches it. Are you as scrawny as a crab or as
fat as a whale?
https://animalbodyfatmatch.netlify.app
* THIS PUZZLE GAME IS FUN - yes it's on a BBC
Micro but it's an indie thing made in 2023 and
plays in the browser on desktop. Yep, we
actually bothered playing all 31 levels of this,
there's just something about single screen
puzzle games that really work for us.
https://bbcmicro.co.uk/jsbeeb/play.php
* WE TIP THIS 44 Y/O TUNE FOR THE YOUR NEW FAV
SONGS - You probably know that the riff from
Zombie Nation was lifted from the old C64 game
Lazy Jones, but did you know that Lazy Jones was
originally inspired by the chorus on this bit of
extremely obscure synth pop? It's a banger in
it's own right and has a fun one-take video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
The 'Horredy' results are in
Last week we noted that Halloween was
approaching, so asked you to make horror
versions of classic comedies. Only Ghouls and
Corpses, Fiends, Hellfrasier etc.
* We were pleased to see ChristheBarker make an
appearance with his Carry On Snatching mashup.
https://b3ta.com/board/11412135
* Would actually watch this - thanks The Twisted
Omentum.
https://b3ta.com/board/11412315
* And a fond allo allo to Ninj for this small
work of genius.
https://b3ta.com/board/11412164
View all the results of the 'Horredy' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/horredy/popular/
This week: Let's pay tribute to Graham Rawle
with another game of Lost Consonants. Remove a
single letter from anything you like.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/morelostconsonants/popu...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Sorry, it's an Ob3tuaries one this week
* GOODBYE LEGLESS - Sad to share the news that
one-time B3tan Legless has died, well known to
people who read our Question Of The Week back in
the day. People are leaving tributes on this
thread.
https://b3ta.com/links/Goodbye_Legless
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
OK, this week we're going to generate ideas by
thinking up cash-in ZX Spectrum games of 1980s
songs:
* KATE BUSH'S RUNNING UP THAT HILL DECATHLON -
absolutely do not stick in jokes about waggling
joysticks whilst looking at pics of Bush. You're
better than that.
* THE SMITHS' SOME GIRLS ARE BIGGER THAN OTHERS
GUESSOTRON 2000 - Morrisey and Marr challenge
you to estimate the weights of various ladies,
and their mothers.
* THE JESUS AND MARY CHAIN HAPPY WHEN IT RAINS
PLATFORMER - ok, in this you play a plucky
little rain cloud who has to rain on Jim Reid,
to keep him smiling, as he travels East Kilbride
looking for heroin and avoiding Bobby Gillespie
"Can I drum on it Jimmy? Can I?"
Oh god, email us, you can do better than this.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
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Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
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Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
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Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
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Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
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Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
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Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
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Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
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Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
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Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Ok ok ok - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
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NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
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Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
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Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
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Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
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: BONUS "EXECELLENT PARENTING" FESSHOLE
"His confession but my alcoholic Dad would
forget to buy presents for me & my sister. One
Xmas eve, he was leaving for the pub, I said
'Santa's not going to forget us this year?' Next
day, there was a baby goat wearing reindeer
antlers in the kitchen. No idea where Dad got
him."
