NEWSLETTER: "B3TA BOARD APPROVES OFFER TO SELL /TALK TO SOME BLOKE WHO HANGS OUT IN A BIN"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE RESULTS - 'Ronseal pop' turns out good
* GAME - A sort of cryptography thing that's fun
* SGTPEPPER DEATH CLOCK - Ticks closer to midnight
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're sieving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for brown nuggets of
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| pure content... together"
B3ta fax-newsletter 932 - 13th Dec 2024
Read the issue over the dead body of Santa:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue932
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their neighbours phone police
* GUESS THE PHRASE - Csaron92 writes, "I created
a cryptography game that I'd like to have
feedback on. Not sure how this goes, but here we
go. It comes with a daily puzzle. Currently, you
can play it once a day. One type of help is
available. Based on the feedback I'll pimp it
up." Well our feedback is, we enjoyed this and
think the gameplay is sound, keep up the good
work lad.
https://playdecodex.com/
* CHRIS BAKER HAS DONE HIS YEARLY DEATHS
ROUND-UP - all the celebs who've shuffled off
their mortal sausage in the year of our lord
2024. TV PRODUCERS - this would make great
telly, get Chris to make an 6 hour long tribute
to all the deaths, each year, every year.
Ratings gold for depressives.
https://b3ta.com/board/11413624
* SHOPPING LIST GENERATOR - dngdng writes, "I
made a simple generator thing that makes haiku
out of shopping lists for some reason." What
reason do you need? Making stuff is its own
reward.
https://dngdng.itch.io/shopping-list-haiku-generat...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes as gifts this Christmas
Buying presents for men is hard coz they've
already bought themselves all the old N64 games
and modular synths that they could possibly
want. However, they're normally shit at buying
clothes and walk around in jeans that have
fallen apart from crotch sweat. Sort them out
this Christmas with some clothes from our
sponsor Hebtro who absolutely do not write this
copy.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up once again like vomit
Each week you chat shit into a google form and
we publish some of it and have strangers tell us
that we're cancer and have ruined the internet
because of our humble desire to entertain. Some
favs this week includes:
* RELATABLE - "I once went out at 1am to draw
cash out from the local village - I found a
masked gang there working out how to steal the
fucking thing, it was embedded in the wall. I
politely asked one of them if I could draw a
tenner out first, they let me. Next morning it
was gone."
* GOOD PARENTING - "My sons been getting lippy
about how good at FIFA he is, just battered him
8-1. He's gone upstairs crying. That's how you
parent your kids."
* MEAN - "Whenever a mum is rude to me, I just
smile at her child and say, 'Are you having a
lovely day with grandma?'"
Follow the account that one day might have an
impressive amount of followers on BlueSky, but
currently it's more like "quite good, actually"
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
Well we did the London show last week, and it
was lovely coz we had a real show of old B3tans:
Joel Veitch, Dave 'Newsletter' Stevenson, Mike
'QOTW' Trinder, Natt 'Sir Ian Bowler' Tapley and
even Ed Jefferson who wasn't technically a
B3tan, but was part of UsVsTh3m, so it's more
like he was in Wings. Lovely night - we've got
shows coming up in Wolverhampton, Preston,
Leicester and just announced: Tiverton.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the second book which we accidentally
slagged off for lols in the live show, but
really it's not worse than the first book, it
just was more stressful to make as we had to
redesign it at the last minute due to
accidentally printing Hitler on every page.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Links for Elon Musk to suppress
* GOASTSE OF THE WEEK IS BACK - Shazzoir writes,
"This band could have chosen a better logo for
their album cover, but I'm secretly hoping they
are goatse stans. I'm sure it's meant to look
like someone being sucked into a wormhole or
something, but..."
https://i.gyazo.com/581da1206a7cf3a6a7430c5dd34f59...
* SPOTIFY ARE THE BAD GUYS - Generate a snarky
Spotify Wrapped message revealing how little
goes to the artists, whilst continuing to use
their unscrupulous app anyway.
https://www.spotify-unwrapped.com
* HOW FAR CAN YOU SCROLL YOUR MOUSE WHEEL IN
THIRTY SECONDS? The height of a man? A giraffe?
The sort of daft project that was everywhere
before smartphones killed their reach. Thanks
again, Steve Jobs. We got about 5 meters first
go.
https://thegamehosting.site/scroller/
* MAKE YOU FEEL OLD, VERY OLD - If life was a
movie, find out what scene you are on, as you
hurtle towards your driving off a cliff /
punching the air / eating a dog shit finale
(delete as applicable).
https://mementomovi.wackyneighbor.com/
* IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THIS GUY ALREADY - BE
PREPARED TO LOSE HOURS. Us: we don't know why
kids want to stream hours of other kids playing
games. Also us: *watches hours of some dude
playing GeoGuessr*
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Ronseal Pop
Two weeks ago we asked you to make some literal
jokes about pop music. Good challenge actually.
* This one from Monkeon is pure *spang*
https://b3ta.com/board/11413592
* HappyToast has been joking around with the
ex-deputy-editor of Smash Hits and his mate who
he met in a synthesizer shop.
https://b3ta.com/board/11413383
* And 'Kinks' has done a pure text entry based
upon the band that introduced a perky dance beat
to the atomic bombing of Hiroshima.
https://b3ta.com/board/11413396
* See all the other images from the 'Ronseal
Pop' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ronsealpop/popular
>> This week: Animals at Christmas <<
How do our furry, scaled and feathered friends
celebrate Christmas? What gets to play Jesus in
the zoo nativity? Show us! Suggested by Tinglto.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalsatchristmas
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: FOLLOW-UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
What happened next
* READER COMPLAINT - AndrewNumbers writes, "Oh
god! Sweet Fanny Adams was too much. Despite the
warning, given the generally humorous and quirky
nature of the newsletter I was not expecting
anything so dark, graphic, sick and horrifying.
If this sort of thing is going to be shared, I
think it needs a much more specific trigger
warning eg 'small girl being murdered and
gruesomely disemboweled and dismembered' or
something. I don't know, maybe I'm over
sensitive, but I guess others will let you know
if they feel the same." Actually we don't know
why we're shoving this in, as it just draws more
attention to it, which in a microcosm, says
something profound about why the entire internet
has made everything a mess: you can't decry a
bad thing without fundamentally publicising the
bad thing.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea penis
* IS IT A CHRISTMAS MOVIE? - a whole website
that ranks every single movie ever made, using a
'political compass' approach where one axis is
how Christmassy the plot is, and the other axis
is how cosy it makes people feel.
* PROPER BRITISH ADVENT CALENDAR - Behind each
door: raw sewage, wankers banging on about
Whamageddon, your Nan dying of cold.
* THINGS KEMI DESPISES GENERATOR - Apparently
Kemi Badenoch is against sandwiches. We kinda
feel the British public is pretty pro
sandwiches. Maybe tomorrow she can come out
against comfortable shoes and cups of tea.
Although, building this might be giving her too
much attention as she's clearly not going to
hang around long.
Go on, make something and tell us. Your letter
is just the start of it etc.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
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SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
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Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
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Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
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Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
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McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
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Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
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Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
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McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
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Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
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Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
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Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
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Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
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Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
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Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
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Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
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Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
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Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
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Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Your order has left the
warehouse - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
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Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "IT'S GOT POCKETS" FESSHOLE
"Read a fess about getting female attention
wearing tradesmen site trousers. As a 40 year
old bank manager I've started going shopping in
them. Doesn't work but the pocket situation is
amazing. Would recommend."
