NEWSLETTER: "EMAIL NEWSLETTER ENTERS 24TH YEAR OF PUBLISHING ASCII CHARACTERS >=32 <=127"
* CHRISTMAS MOVIE - Tropes exposed
* EGGPOD - In art show shocker
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Worst LP challenge
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're not replacing the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | newsletter with shitty
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| AI coz we're not META"
B3ta's electric-e-mail 934 - 3rd Jan 2025
Read this issue doing a Jimmy Savile impression:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue934
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their spellcheckers choke
* ALL THE CHRISTMAS MOVIE TROPES - Dogfood has
made a supercut of those cheesy Hallmark
Christmas movies to show how formulaic they are.
It's a long video but pretty fascinating if you
can spend 35 mins with it, although to be fair,
5 mins will do too.
https://b3ta.com/links/A_Very_Hallmark_Supercut_Ch...
* EGGPOD ART EXHIBITION - Chris from the Beatles
podcast EggPod has found himself in an
extraordinary position where every episode of
his Get Back pod is being played in an art
gallery in Folkestone, on the corresponding day
in January, along with a different artwork every
day. Your editor is on Day 11 apparently.
https://www.schoolgallery.co.uk/a-day-in-the-life-...
* WATCH A MAN LEARN BLENDER - Ornsack tells us
that he's "Been learning Blender since lockdown
by making a short film. About 2/3rds of the way
through." He's now publishing a development log
on Instagram - we look forward to seeing the
completed work.
https://www.instagram.com/p/DES0JnwuGsc/
* CAN YOU BE ARSED TO MAKE THIS GUY RICH? -
Naeemnur writes, "I built a site which is
inspired by the Million dollar homepage, Stack
Your Project is a fun and simple way to promote
your project, business, or idea. By purchasing a
block, you claim a spot in the stack, showcasing
your project to visitors. Help me get rich,
thanks!" Hmm, we suspect that 'million dollar'
boat has sailed but good luck.
https://mildspring.co/stack-your-project/
* CAT PUZZLE THINGIE - Moth announces, "I
figured that people here might like cats and
puzzles, so I recently made a who did it cat
guessing game that is a mix of knights and
knaves logic problems with inspiration from town
of salem and mafia." Warning: this is tricky.
Trickier than stopping your cat pissing on the
sofa.
https://catdle.net/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
OK, Christmas over, but you still need clothes
So did Santa not bring you anything useful?
Cheer yourself up by buying some sturdy boots or
jeans from B3ta's sponsor Hebtro. Ideal for
sitting around the house or indeed doing some
solid manly stuff outdoors (not shitting).
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
The account that is our own Barlow's large son
Each week we ask you to fess and then then spend
a stupid amount of time reading them all, then
posting some in a big social media queue (approx
10% make it through our rigorous vetting
procedure), before selecting three or four for
this very newsletter:
* COMING PUP - "Bought some shroom chocolate.
Never had it before. Morning dog walk & 1/4 of
the bar. What a massive mistake. As my world
melted, I remembered I would have to go home and
face my wife & grown-up children. Tried to
persuade the dog to do the talking. I'm in my
mid-fifties."
* TRAINING - "Since I'm married now, I'm not
allowed to fart in the bedroom anymore. I have
to leave the room, fart outside, then return to
bed. I noticed our Jack Russell one day copy me.
He trotted out of the room, did what is
unmistakably his fart face, then walked back in
proud of himself."
* SIGN LANGUAGE - "Made eye contact with a guy
across the street on a balcony. He signalled for
my phone number, I signalled it back holding up
fingers. He came over. We shagged. He's coming
over tomorrow again. Not the worst Monday."
Follow the account on BlueSky that has probably
the same amount of followers that posting a
daily photo of dog shit would get.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows: ***
Wolverhampton - Newhampton Arts - 30th January
2025
Leicester - Y Theatre - 7th February 2025
Preston - The Continental - 12th March 2025
Tiverton - Comedy Hall - 5th July 2025
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And fuck it, why not buy the book which received
the review on Goodreads, "Loved it. Hilarious
stuff. 16 more words required. I confess I have
had wine. Seriously 3 more words. Jesus wept."
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
H double-T P S colon double-forwardslash
triple-W
* CAVEMEN GET HANDSY - Use your webcam to make
handprints on the Chauvet Cave wall. Misses a
trick by not randomly having Werner Herzog
comment on your art like he's presenting a
prehistoric Watercolour Challenge.
https://www.joelsimon.net/forgotten-dreams
* SCRABBLE JIGSAW - W****e of the week is this
game presumably made by a Josh Frogment. Can you
fit the shapes in the grid in such a way that
you get a valid Scrabble layout.
https://playfragment.com
* THE CRAP GAMES COMPO NEVER ENDS - New year,
new "hunt down the random location of the Crap
Sinclair Games Competition and the usual faffing
about with a download and an emulator to play
the entries". That fact that it's on Blogspot
this year makes us hope it is an entry for the
Crap 2000s Website Competition and there's some
sort of crap compo Inception going on.
https://csscgc24.blogspot.com
* VAN DAMME IN STAR WARS (AS R2D2) - much
funnier than it has any right to be. Next week,
let's have Stallone playing Dusty Bin.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* HOW MUCH PISS IS THERE IN SPACE? pISSStream is
a menu bar app that shows how full the
International Space Station's urine tank is in
real time. Available for desktop and mobile, if
you're insane, but reading about it is quite
fun.
https://github.com/Jaennaet/pISSStream
* NEW BOBBY FINGERS VS JOE ROGAN - as a very
correct YouTube reply says, "Everything about
this channel is pure art. A breath of fresh air
in a world slowly drowning in AI generated
content. Never stop."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Sesame Street
Here's the best images from last week:
* 'Monkeon' thinks laterally, no, vertically
https://b3ta.com/board/11414123
* 'Captain Howdy' produces an image which could
easily end up being shared for the next 40 years
with increasingly degraded compression
https://b3ta.com/board/11414065
* And 'FrogBeat' shows us the truth behind
Henson and co.
https://b3ta.com/board/11414076
* See all the other images from the 'Sesame
Street' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sesamestreet/popular
>> This week: Band's Worst Album <<
Most bands have a few missteps in their
discography. Show us the truly dreadful albums
that nobody would ever want and could end their
careers for good. Suggested by Atomic.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/bandsworstalbum/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* PUERILE GAMESHOW SUPERCUT - made a video
showcasing every shitty gameshow you can imagine
by shifting some letters about: Cockbusters,
Cuntdown, The Great Smegg Race, It's a Cock Out
& Through the Bumhole.
* MORE BEATLES PODCASTS - A Peter Jackson
podcast where he plays all 100 hours of the
Nagra tapes, and invites informed and funny
guests in to discuss it minute by minute.
* REACTIONS TO REACTION VIDEOS - React to those
people reacting to songs for the first time, and
you going, "Look it's a good song mate, but
you're acting, no one breaks down in tears
hearing Pink Floyd for the first time, unless
they're having a proper episode"
Oh go on, let us know about your projects ok?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (8 out of 10 Twats - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "LAST MENTION OF CHRISTMAS" FESSHOLE
"Wife has always been very sexually reserved.
One day she said she'd like to give me a BJ in a
car park at night for Christmas. Amazed and
excited, I agreed. Drove to what I thought was a
secluded car park. We both got arrested and
she's lost her job. Merry Christmas."
